Archive for 2011

America's Netherlands

Overly friendly drunk girl: Is that a Heineken?
Unimpressed guy, in monotone: Yes.
Overly friendly drunk girl: Oh my god! That's my favorite beer.
Unimpressed guy, in monotone: Heineken?
Overly friendly drunk girl: Yeah. Did you know it's made in Wisconsin?
Unimpressed guy, in monotone: I always thought it was from Holland.
Overly friendly drunk girl: Nope. Wisconsin.

–Butterfield 8


What, You've Never Seen Schindler's Litter?

Girl, showing picture of her cat on iPhone: Isn't he so cute and fluffy? I couldn't resist.
Guy #1: Wow, he is really cute. Look at those eyes!
Guy #2: Yeah, he's really photogenic.
Guy #1: Where did you get him?
Girl: The SPCA. And his brothers were there with him. They were already spoken for, just waiting to be picked up, but they weren't as cute. I was like, “what the hell? Why doesn't anyone want him? He's the cutest one!” and the lady working there said (whispers) “well, he's sort of anti-social.”
Guy #3: Oh, I definitely thought you were about to say “anti-semitic.”

–Stuy Town


Do I Want to Know Why You're Asking?

Student #1: How do snakes have sex?
Student #2: I think they're like plants. You know, they just get pregnant. Like from the pole-in… Or… Pollen or whatever.

–Downtown 2 Train

Overheard by: Ambika


For Anyone Who's Ever Wondered What That Blondie Song Was Really About

Latina lady, on Ash Wednesday: You can call me. If my husband picks up, you just tell him you're my cousin. He doesn't get suspicious as long as it's family.
Young black man: Okay.
Latina lady: I can't believe I smoke and drank so much last night, and I still gotta get to church.
(trains doors open, Latina lady gets off)
Latina lady, looking back
: Don't you forget to call me.

Young black man: Okay.

–1 Train

Overheard by: dentalstudent


…I'm a Huge John McCain Fan!

Professor: So we'll have to end class early today, there was a scheduling mix-up… Apparently there's going to be a 'dine-ologue' going on in here.
Student, laughing: I thought you were gonna say 'dinosaur'!
Professor, straight-faced: If there was gonna be a dinosaur in here, we would definitely not be leaving.

–Gallatin Building, Washington Place

Overheard by: Scott


Will You Have My Baby, Sir?

Activist: Sir, do you have a minute for women's rights?
Man: What rights don't you have?
Activist: The right to an abortion.
Man: I don't have that right either. There. We're equal.

–10th St & University Pl


Don't Engage With the Insane, Guys

Strange lady: You're always on my mind.
Teenage guy #1: I don't know.
Strange lady: Elvis Presley! Can you sing?
Teenage guy #1: Not really…
(guy's friend comes out of a store)
Teenage guy #1
: He can.

Strange lady: You're always on my mind. Always on my mind.
Teenage guy #2: What?
Strange lady: Always on my mind. Sing Elvis Presley!
Teenage guy #2: No, he lied to you; I can't sing.
Strange lady: Always on my mind!
Teenage guys: (stunned silence)
Strange lady: Always on my mind…

–5th Ave


…Your Hair Covers Your Horns Beautifully.

Southern tourist woman, drawling heavily: 'Scuse me, so to get to ground zero, I just stay on this train the whole way, right?
JAP: Yes, just go all the way to the end.
Southern tourist woman: Thank you!
JAP: Where are you two from?
Southern tourist man: We're from Mississippi.
JAP: Oh, wow! Have you been here before? Do you like it?
Southern tourist woman: It's great! We've had a lot of fun. I'm a little surprised the city isn't overrun with Jews the way we'd heard it was. We haven't run into any yet, thankfully.
JAP, taken aback: Oh… Uhm, well, I am Jewish.
Southern tourist woman, almost consoling: Oh, well… That's okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Jewish person


I Mean, That's a Lot Of Fucking Streets

20-something girl to boyfriend, on slightly seedy block at dusk: This is East 187th Street!
Boyfriend: I have no idea what that means.

–187th St & Crescent Ave.


Mel Gibson: ” *sigh Of Relief* “

Woman on cell walking into deli: I'ma spoon her eyes out, like Charlie Sheen.
Man coming out of deli: Charlie Sheen!
Man standing waiting outside deli: Charlie Sheen, Charlie Sheen!

–40th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Unclaimed