Archive for 2011

…I Should Probably Go Get That Checked Out.

Vendor #1, loudly: Do you have Munchhausen's syndrome?
Vendor #2: Which one is that?
Vendor #1: It's the one where you're obsessed with going to the hospital.
Vendor #2: Oh, yeah. Probably.

–Flea Market, Brooklyn

Overheard by: A


“Break Wednesday in Case Of One-Liner”

40-something suit: He said he was an anarchist. He refused to pull over for emergency vehicles.

–45th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Katy

Police officer on megaphone: People, you are in the middle of a road and are blocking traffic. If there is an emergency, nooooboddddy is going to save you.

–57th & 11th

Elevator operator: Man, if I had an emergency chute, I would use that shit today.

–168th St Train Station

Guy rushing out of off-track betting: Hi, Sharon? I'm sorry I didn't call you. I had an emergency this morning. I'm in the hospital. I'll call you right back.

–5th Ave, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: b_clothman


Reduce, Reuse, Wednesday One-Liner

Male student to female student: I went over to her apartment, and she has all reusable, eco-friendly cups… So there I am, drinking out of what seems like a plastic cup, but with permanent lipstick stains! "No," I said to myself, "No, I am not doing this!"

–St. Mark's & 4th St

Greenpeace guy: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you like nature? Where 10 is, like, you wanna live in a tree house, and 1 is like, you want to punch a panda bear in the face?

–Bleecker & Prince

Overheard by: Panda Bear Hater

Teen thug on cell: Yo man, I told you, I don't fucking litter! I care about the motherfucking environment!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: hell's kitchenette

Tourist woman: Honey, this plaque talks about global warming as if it's a fact!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Tim


Wednesday Faces Up to Its One-Liners

Well-dressed black man in glasses to pretty black woman in sleek dress: Put your face in it! No, no… Put your face in it! No. Your face in it!

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: face the corner

Young guy to female friend: I'm gonna falafel her face.

–L Train

Overheard by: dutchess

Latina on phone: Girl, you gotta just tell him it's not okay for him to cum on your face, especially while Craig is in the room.

–32nd & 7th

Bimbette on cell: I have a habit of putting things close to my face that shouldn't be there.

–3rd & 41st

20-something white guy on cell: For this relationship to work we cannot have any face time.

–Thompson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Jessica


“He Who Wednesday One-Linered It, Dealt It.”

Guy to girl: I'm going to go home and just, like, fart in a shoebox.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: You do what you need to do

Man to woman at group lunch: That's because you sweat like a man. Seriously, she does! You sweat like a man. You fart like a man. You sweat and fart like a man!

–TGI Friday's

Woman to friend: You got to ride through dat bitch like a fart. One sniff and ya' gone.

–122nd St & Amsterdam

Father, wearily to little boy: For the last time, you can't get sick from a fart!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Hunt-ner

Father to three-year-old daughter: You have to be careful with farts, sweetie, because sometimes they become shit.

–18th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: m


What a Mongolian Cluster Wednesday-One-Liner

Man on cell: Every time I loan you money, you mooch it! (pause) No, that time was different! (pause) Fuck you! I'm coming over right now, I'll be there in twenty minutes, asshole! (hangs up) Fuck everything!

–40th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Ally

Young female suit shouting into cell: Well, that's just the icing on the fuck-cake, isn't it?

–42nd & 5th

50-something woman wearing baseball cap: He fucked me for nine years!

–Central Park

Guy looking at an ad for the King Tut exhibit: King Tut! Fuck you!

–23rd St & Park Ave


Got to Get You Into My Wednesday One-Liner

Boy: I need a black Jew in my life.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Guy about to get on train during morning rush hour, in a defeated tone: This is going to be my life? I hate the fucking subway.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Brizzle

20-something girl: I mean, let's be honest, my biggest accomplishment in the past few weeks is making a profile on Jdate. How do you really think my life is going?

–Westway Diner, 43rd & 9th

Girl on cell: Fine, mom! Then I'll just become a stripper. (pause) No, I won't get into drugs. (pause) I know, this is what it feels like when life kicks you in the teeth.

–West 4th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Lezbotron


These Wednesday One-Liners Are Totally Staged!!

Girl to friend: Yeah, I'm auditioning for a national tour of A Chorus Line in two weeks. I guess I better learn to sing.

–72nd St & Broadway

Guy with map to blonde tourist friend: And all the shows that are "on Broadway" are actually located on a street called "Broadway." I just learned that.

–M60 Bus

Overheard by: KB

Director to actor: If you miss that entrance again I am going to shit a brick on the stage and throw it at you.

–Piper Theater, Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Kid in line for Shakespeare in the Park tickets: So is this all, like, gonna be in that Shakespeare language?


–Central Park, Delacorte Theatre


Overheard by: Megan


Your Editors Plan to Give Kids' TV a Second Look

Hot girl: I've never seen Josh like this before in my life! I'm about to deck this bitch. I don't even care if she's in fucking Ecuador or wherever the fuck she's from.
Hot ghetto chick: Dora the fuckin Explorer better take backpack and Mr Map and head for the fuckin hills, cuz we goin in!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Monique