Archive for 2011

I'm the Top

Gay guy #1, ready with camera: Look, spring blossoms! Be a spring blossom!
Gay guy #2, suddenly stopping his leaping under a newly flowered tree: I am not a spring blossom, asshole.

–3rd Ave & St. Mark's


That About Wraps It Up

Tourist lady at night: Look at all the lights! There's just something magical about New York.
(steps off curb, looks down) Oh my god! It's a condom!
Random suit behind her
: Magical!


–53rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Butch Manowski


A Crazy Little Thing Called Wednesday One-Liners

Toddler walking with mom: I can't drink any more iced tea. Cause when I drink iced tea, I get crazy.

–1st Ave & 12th St

Overheard by: leshka

Man, yelling: I am not crazy! Do I look crazy? I am not crazy! You don't know me! Where you going? I'm not finished!

–125th & 5th

Middle-aged Hispanic woman to cute younger girl: On a scale of 1 to crazy, he goes all the way over the limit, girl. Trust and believe!

–Houston St

Girl on phone: Dude, that bitch is crazy! What did I tell you about shitting where you eat?
(pause) Well I'm sure she's fine now, but what about when she tries to push someone else into traffic?

–23 & 6th


Wednesday One-Law & Order

Guy at bar: The only times I deserved to get arrested were this time and the second time. The first and third times were bullshit.

–31st & Broadway, Astoria

Junkie: Man, I was almost gay. In jail, I was in the most dangerous corner. Everyone was suckin' our dicks.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: rpk

Drunk hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I just got out of prison. If you could spare some change, I would appreciate it.

–Uptown 6 Train

40-something mom to husband: I mean it's one thing for a teacher to do that to a child, but to be arrested on her last day is almost more of a crime!

–Church Ave & Beverly

Overheard by: taylor


Wednesdino One-Liners

Megan: So I was all like "wooo, Megan! Right now, you're high and you're alone. You finally have the chance to sit down and think about cool things like time travel and dinosaurs."

–NYU

Guy to friend: Is it bad that I have a legitimate fear of raptors? Like, I have a real fear of velociraptors.

–FIT Dorm, 31st St & 9th Ave

20-something hipster girl: I like it! People throw away dinosaurs, but they actually, like, existed!

–176th St

Overheard by: emily darwin

Dad to kids: And this room shows what the dinosaurs evolved into… Like horses and deer.

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Ellen


Warsday One-Liners

Middle aged lady on cell: I don't care if he brings you flowers every day, you just need to remember what those bastards did to us during the war!

–Post Office

30-something drunk man: Need a seat here! Any of you non-veterans want to give me a seat? I've got 300 confirmed kills at over 1,000 yards. (pause). Well, over 1,000 feet anyway.

–Uptown A Train

Short Jewish lady: Things were much better when there were harems full of women, and the men went off. To war! I think that was a much better system.

–6th St & Christopher

Overheard by: Hunter Freyer

Street vendor selling knock-off handbags and sunglasses: Yeah, but in the military you can survive for weeks in Alaska… Naked!

–56th St & 3rd Ave


You Can Get Anywhere in New York by Wednesday One-Liner

Man playing guitar, as train approaches: Traaaain solo! Performed for you by the MTA mechanical device.

–L Train

Overheard by: Marni

2-year-old girl, repeated once for each cycle of the subway car's information strips: 96th Street! 96th Street! 96th Street!

–2 Train

Tough guy to skinny yuppie guy inside train: Yo, you better hold on to something, or else you might fall. And if you fall on me, I am gonna fuck you up.

–1 Train

Suit to another: I don't know why the trains can't be on time. Now I know why people throw themselves in front of trains. They want to end their life but also fuck over NJ Transit.

–Commuter Rail

Overheard by: lee

Scruffy man in the back of the train, as most people exit it: Now everyone, get out of my car!

–A Train


I'm Married to a Red Hooker

Middle-aged intoxicated white male #1: You've heard of Canal Street, but have you ever heard of Gowanus Canal Street?
Middle-aged intoxicated white male #2: Duh, I've lived here twenty years.

–Atlantic Ave & Smith St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mary


What She Did Was Clay Modeling

20-something guy to friend: You're girlfriend's a model? Nice! (pause) My girlfriend did modeling once.
20-something friend: Yeah?
20-something guy: Yeah. She was too short, though.

–Prince St, Soho

Overheard by: Katherine