Archive for 2011

Black Republicans Can Be Awfully Selfish

Conductor: We have been advised that the 2 train will not be stopping at 125th Street due to the President of the United States in Harlem.
Ghetto chick: Yo, why Obama gotta be fuckin up my commute, though… Like muthafucka gonna ride the 2 train.

–Times Square


Jewish Comedians: Gold!

Teenage girl #1: Hey do you know where the Coconut Mountains are?
Teenage girl #2: I don't know… Hawaii, maybe.
Barista: There are no Coconut Mountains.
Girl #1: Yes, there is. I heard about them in geography! The coco-notes.
Barista: Do you mean the Poconos?
Girl #1: No!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Cassie


The Supersizing Of Wednesday One-Liners

Obese woman to another (each wearing skin tight leggings and tank tops): Gurrrll, you know you wrong! You not fat. Don'tcha know that the mirror makes you look heavier?

–Inwood, 207th St

Overheard by: cat the great

Woman on cell: She looks awful. Why is she so fat?

–Tompkins Square Dog Park

Overheard by: dogsitting

Large man outside hotel to bus driver: I'm big, but I'm lazy. If you're big and you lazy, you're just lazy.

–8th Ave & 50th St

Overheard by: Nicole

Obese woman: I just want a cheeseburger the size of my ass right now.

–Q Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Over-sunscreened man, crossing street: I'm getting fat! I'm eating too much and I don't like it!

–72nd & Amsterdam


Wednesdays Find One-Liners on Craigslist

Woman with backpack on cell: Don't ask me why I fell in love with a heroin addict who fucks prostitutes on the side!

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Alpha

Man waiting for prescription in pharmacy, answering cell: Mike's house of sin. No, sorry she isn't available tonight. I can get you another girl, but it will cost you more.

–Forest Hills, New York

Gay man on cell: I'm sweating like a Vietnamese prostitute with a meth addiction!

–West Village, Gay Pride Parade

Overheard by: Pretty hot and sweaty too.

Guy on phone: But if you think about it, all women are prostitutes in a way. I mean, if I'm paying for the red lobster, I should at least get a blowjob at the end of the date.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Taylan

Rocker girl: He went from herpes to a hooker, which is better, but still not good. Tard.

–JFK

Overheard by: I suppose so


Does Everybody in New York See a Wednesday One-Liner?

Young boy, angrily to father: He's my therapist, not my dad!

–Upper West Side

Patron to friend: She needs Jesus and a therapist.

–McDonald's

Overheard by: KP Whitey

Bubble salesman: Cheaper than Prozac, it's bubble therapy!

–48th St & 7th

Guido chick to laughing friends: I was diagnosed as bipolar. Don't fuck with me, I have ADHD!

–PATH Train

Young woman on cell: Even my therapist is working against me!

–43rd & Lexington


Wednesday One-Liners Throw a Fit

Gay guy to another: Does working out your ass muscles make your ass bigger?

–Astoria, Queens

50-something on phone: You know, not all people who do yoga are like that! You know darn well that Jason is catholic and he does yoga!

–4th Ave & 13th St

Man to another: Doing yoga feels so much better than having sex. Like whenever I feel like having sex, I do yoga.

–Union Square

Yoga instructor: This next position is probably ill-conceived, much like the time I was talked into doing a cartwheel at a wedding.

–Crunch

Meathead to girl he just picked up: No, no, church is cool, I don't mind if you go to church or whatever. But I have football, that's my religion. 17 Sundays, and nobody misses that. People plan their weddings around football, I'm serious. And I have to go to the gym, that's my other religious experience.

–LIRR

Overheard by: rick


Wednesday One-Liners Are Going through a Blue Period.

30-something woman painting by the lake: Dudes, you're crowding my painting! (they don't move) Fuck this shit! Stop looking at my art!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: taylor

Girl, about art piece: Guess what that one's called! "Untitled"!

–Arario Gallery

Artist's muse: I've left New York before. There's nothing out there. It's a goddamn wasteland. I mean, I went to a waffle house; it was fucking absurdist. I mean, some of the most creative people have come from nowhere. Like, Andy Warhol. Yeah, he was famous, but he came from Buttfuck, Pennsylvania. I've never really cared for Warhol. I mean, I like his style and all, but I wouldn't make him my Facebook friend.

–Spice Cove, E 6th St

Overheard by: Chris F.

Suit on cell: It's like Michelangelo in my mouth…

–37th & 8th


Drunksday One-Liners

Kid to friend: My grandpa and his twin brother get these crazy deals at this discount veterans' liquor store in Ohio. It's pretty much the happiest and saddest place on earth at the same time.

–Huckleberry Bar, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Shannon

Girl on cell: I had the worst diarrhea yesterday from drinking bourbon all night. (pause) I know, it gives me the bum-wees too!

–NYU

Overheard by: What-the?!

Wandering elderly man, loudly to himself: Let's have a shot of whiskey and get this relationship ova with!

–W 62 & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Assistant To The Locksmythe

Mother, very nonchalantly, to child: Let's go get mommy a beer.

–Prospect Park Bandshell, The Swell Season Concert

Overheard by: Mat the Oz


Wednesdays Want You to Move to the Back Of the One-Liner

Bus driver: I'll make a deal with you: exit through the rear door and I'll take you to Treasure Island!

–M60 Bus

Bus driver: We are all in this together. Smoosh up, and hold on for your life.

–M104 Bus

Bus driver, on PA: I hope everyone enjoyed your day and has learned to enjoy all of your days. This is Coney Island, so you might get shot and not be here tomorrow.

–B74 Bus

Bus driver: Now, I'm not naming names, but to the person who had to search through your five dead MetroCards to find the one that worked, you hold us all up. And then, I saw you put the MetroCard that worked… Back in your purse, with non-working ones. Here's a suggestion: get a plastic box from the 99 cent store, put it on your tv. Put the dead cards in the box. Who knows? Maybe it will grow some money.

–Bx7 Bus


Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

Irate mother: I don't care if she doesn't like that she has a new number! She don't pay the bills! She don't like it, she don't have to use the phone! She wants to get a phone herself? She can't get a phone herself, she can't walk up in a store and get one 'cause she doesn't have id! She doesn't even exist!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Young thugette to young thug: Well, I guess you're gonna have to fuck me, because I can't give you my number. You don't even understand.

–14th & Ave B

Gay guy, frantically searching his pockets: Oh my god! (pause) Shit! (pause) Shawn, this is totally serious! I can't find my phone! Oh my god! Ohhhh, yeah!

–Lower East Side

Guy walking down street: I told you… I'm a homeless person with a cell phone.

–W 22nd & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Jessica

Conductor: We are now arriving at Penn Station. Please watch the gap as you step onto the platform; and will the young man in the last car who is talking very loudly on his cell phone please use his inside voice? I repeat, please remember to use your inside voice.

–Penn Station