Archive for 2011

The National Pastime Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor over PA: Willets Point, Citi Field: Home of that other team!

–7 Train

Thug, tossing baseball to friend: I would play for the baseball team, but ya gotta buy a glove! They cost like two pair of shoes and an outfit, son!

–31st St

Conductor to fans waiting on platform: Yankee fans only on this train, Yankee fans only!

–B Train

Guy to other guys: We had one tv! It was like, "yeah, you can watch the Mets game if you rub my bunion." For nine innings!

–Carmine St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Laura

One Man's Liner Is Another Man's Wednesday

Five-year-old girl on train, about brother: But he's being bad! Throw him away!

–Amtrak, Penn Station

Middle aged hick lady throwing Snickers wrapper in the water: I just want to get to space, you know? I just want to put all my trash out there!


Overheard by: raych

Teenage girl to another: She threw it away–she threw the baby away!


Tourist chick on cell, dragging rolling suitcase: No, there's actually nothing interesting to see around here. Just trash.

–8th Ave & 41st St

Ugly, Uglier, Wednesday-One-Liniest

Petite teen girl to friend: If I was gargantuan and ugly I might have morals too!

–St. John's University

Guy, ranting: No matter what a woman is wearing, no matter what she's done to her hair, no matter her make up, no matter what she's got on, no matter how nice her body is… If she's ugly, she's ugly.

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: shiver

Teenage girl: If Oprah didn't have so much money she would be the ugliest woman in the world.

–170th St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Emm

Ugly Staten Island girl: I can't go back in there! Everyone is so ugly!

–Ave B & 4th St

Overheard by: Yes You Are

Work Day One-Liners

Flabbergasted college girl to friend: I didn't get home until 6 am. There were people dressed up and on their way to work! Did you know there are people who start their day that early?

–Union Square

Champion for the homeless, speaking loudly inside crowded train: By a show of hands, does anyone on this train like their job? (pause) Only one person?

–F Train

Douchey hipster guy to girls: If you work– which I don't…

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Ten-year-old boy: Mommy! I have a job! I am not having a nervous breakdown! Fuck you!

–114th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Erik

Woman holding baby to friend: The only reason why I haven't ripped my husband's head off for not helping me around the house is because he worked 70 hours this week.


Overheard by: Michael

Wednesday One-Liners for Meredith Brooks

Girl to boyfriend: So I told that bitch if she's going to be saying shit pertaining to my little brother, I will tear her fucking wig off.

–D Train

Recent college grad to friends: That girl has a fetish. She dresses like herself and acts like a bitch!

–21st & 3rd

Overheard by: Brad

Woman exiting doors holding many plastic bags, to nobody in particular: New York Penn station bitch! Shut the fuck yo ugly ass up…

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Michael Morgenstern

Woman on phone walking dogs: She is some bitch with an '80s hairdo and all she does is sit in her office making flyers for her heavy metal band. Plus, she's a lesbo…

–Central Park

Overheard by: chocolate happy

Guy on cell: And if I ever fucking see that fucking bitch ass motherfucker again… Hang on, I've got a call on the other line. (pause) Yes, this is Christopher. Oh, hello! It's so nice to hear from you. How have you been?

–1st & 1st

Wednesday Six-Feet-Under Liners

Stringy-haired girl to dad: You know, if I die on the streets no one would know where I live. That's why I need a learner's permit!

–W. Broadway & Reade St.

Raspy-voiced lady to friends: If he lives, it's "attempted murder", if he dies it's "murder."


Overheard by: Chris K.

Guy on cell: It wasn't the fall that killed him, it was that sudden stop.

–6th Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: laughingacademy

Agitated seven-year-old girl to herself: You know what else is good for your body? Not getting killed!

–Sunset Park

Conductor: People, let these passengers out. People, step aside! These passengers have been stuck underground for 30 minutes, and they will kill you. I repeat, they will kill you.

–4 Train

Etiquette Lessons?

Woman to friend: Where are all the Jews?
Conservative Jewish boy in front of her, turning around: Hi, is there anything you need?

–42nd & Park

Overheard by: Kaye

…And I'm the Smart One

Girl #1: I don't know why everyone always tells me I look like my sister.
Girl #2: You do!
Girl #1: I mean, I know we look the same but our personalities are completely different.

–LaGuardia Airport

Are All Men Brothers? Discuss.

Hyper redhead: I came here on a date with a guy and within the first ten minutes he was telling me about a dream where he was having anal sex with his brother.
Thoroughly friend-zoned dude: (brief, inaudible response)
Hyper redhead: I know. It's like, why would you bring that up?

–20th St & Park Ave