Archive for 2011

Mmm, Blueberry Roll…

Guy #1: You smell like blueberries.
Guy #2: Yeah, that's just how I roll.

–Barrow & Bleecker


Wednesday One-Liners for Roy G. Biv

Woman on phone holding baby: You'd better not wear the green shirt. (pause) You are?! Well, I hope you look fucking disgusting in it!

–Astoria

Overheard by: Natalie

Sales associate (to group of black-clad employees): Hey, you guys! There are too many blacks over there!

–Bloomingdales

Hip dreadlocked African American guy buying toothbrush: Uh, do you have another color besides pink? I'm a guy. I mean, I know this is Chelsea and all, but still…

–Korean Deli, Chelsea

JetBlue flight crew: As you prepare to board the aircraft, please have your passport ready. If you do not have a passport, then please present your green card, blue card, red card, yellow card, whatever card you have…

–JFK

20-something: So, have you seen Kim's grandchild? It's really… yellow. (pause) And I don't mean like derogatory Asian yellow. I mean, like… *yellow*. Beyond jaundice yellow… Like *sunflower* yellow.

–Ocean Parkway

Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli


Wednesday Vaginers

Girl on train: You know sometimes when you feel like your vaginal walls are collapsing in on themselves?

–LaGuardia High School

Black man to blacker friend: Damn, I done lost plenty a bruthas to the street. But I ain't never lost none to the pussy.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Missalicious

20-something elegant girl on BlackBerry: No, I *don't* need you in my vagina. But thanks.

–23rd & 8th

Office-clad lady to another: I felt like my vagina ran from my belly button to the base of my spine!

–Ave A & 3rd

Overheard by: While on hold with 311

30-something female to friend: Unless she has a head crowning from her cooch, you shouldn't ask that.

–12th St & Ave A

Woman on cell: Pussy is pussy! It don't matter nigga! (pause] Oh, dammit. Dammit. Oh, dammit. I missed my fucking stop!

–M3 Bus, Upper East Side

Overheard by: Desiree


Wednesday's Got a Pole Up Its One-Liner

30-something on cell: You remember that shitty fedora that Catherine gave me for my birthday? Well, I gave it to some stripper last night, and I think she just walked by me wearing it.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Very small, strange Indian man carrying baby, passing gentleman's club: I was in that club last night!

–Broadway

Guy, slapping fists with hobo: Yo, dude, you my man! So, where are the strip clubs at around here?

–82nd St & 2nd Ave

Guy on phone, loudly: Son, so we out to the strip club tonight. Listen, I'm on the way to get you, man. The sky is the limit tonight, the sky is the limit! (pause) Listen, if we get caught… I won't say nothin'. You won't say nothing too, right? Right? Man, I'm ready to die with and for you. Aight? Lemme know.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Cararay

Cute 20-something to fiance: Okay, okay. All, I am saying is that I would prefer if no one came home from your bachelor party married to a stripper. I would prefer that. Especially you.

–Park Slope


Wednesday One-Liners Have a Sunny Disposition

Conductor: This is Smith 9th Street, and it's a bright sunny day so I trust all you Twilight fans are wearing your sunblock.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jennifer

Suit on cell: It's really gay out there. I'm not talking about the people on the street, I'm talking about the weather. It's really gay weather, it's like god shaking his dick on me.

–The Library, 2nd & Ave A

Overheard by: Andrew

Guy on cell: Yeah, it's like 102 here, and that's not even including the wind chill factor thing.

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Colleen Cody

20-something to friend: I mean, why do they call it The Perfect Storm if they all died?

–Diner, Queens

Drunk guy: It's too nice a day for damn detox!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Michael


Wednesday One-Liners Better Wait to Exhale

Youngish girl to another: Mmm-mmm, everybody got to be on this train like it's the last train to salvation…

–Uptown 6 Train, Rush Hour

Lady on line picking up tickets from box office: The city's so crowded today, and they all look like slobs.

–Merkin Concert Hall, W. 67th St

Overheard by: Frank

Woman after struggling to get on train through crowd: Get off the damn train, people! Don't just stand there in the way, like Fievel from American Tail! Just standing there staring like 'oh, ah!' get off the damn train!

–3 Train

Overheard by: Tiger was my favorite character

Cool-looking guy: Man! Dis some Ellis Island bullshit up in here!

–Megabus

Conductor: Okay, folks, I know you can squeeze one more in here. (door closes) Thank you. (pause) Aren't you glad you used dial this morning? Don't you wish everybody did?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Womanspirit


A Smorgasboard Of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick to another: You and the potato? You're never gonna live that down!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy on cell: You're eating Rice Krispies? Why?!

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Ruth

Girl at Indian food bar: I got samosas! You know who loves samosas? Rory Gilmore.

–Whole Foods

Angry lady with short hair: I want something with crunch. I want to crush and crunch and mangle something. That stuff, like oatmeal, that's like the slop you feed to animals.

–Crosstown 31 Bus

Overheard by: Percival Under Cover

Young hipster to hipster friend: They have the best squirrel tacos in all of lower Manhattan. Well, the best under $10.

–Madison Square Garden