Archive for 2011

Hey, Semen and Urine Are Just As Likely As Rain

Woman #1: What is this!? What's falling on us!?
Woman #2: I don't know, we aren't under anything!
Woman #3: Oh my god! Where is this stuff coming from!?
(a minute later)
Woman #1
: Ooooh, it's rain!

Woman #2: Why are we the ones acting strange? We live here!

–Times Square


I'm Thinking Knee Surgery

Scruffy old male patient: I love blondes.
Scruffy old female patient: What are you doing tonight?
Scruffy old male patient: (gets down on one knee and opens arms)

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Another patient


The Hot Parenting Technique Right Now

Little boy, rooted to the spot in toy section, calling out: Mommy? I can't move from here and I don't know where you are!
Mother, calling from next aisle: I'm here!
Little boy, still not moving: I can't see you!
Mother, coming around corner and leading him off: Honey, we really have to go. We're very late.
Little boy, loudly: Fine, mommy, I won't pick out a toy.
Mother, kindly: Do you want a toaster?
Little boy, sulkily: I dunno.
Mother: Because you wanted toast before?
Little boy, agreeably: Okay. Yeah.

–K-Mart


He's Got a Crazy Pit Bull with Lipstick Fetish.

Old white guy #1: So he's just Ayers' boy, you know? I'm telling you, things don't happen for an accident. They happen for a reason.
Old white guy #2: Uh-huh.
Old white guy #1: But that woman, she's something else.
Old white guy #2: Who, Michelle Obama?
Old white guy #1: No, no! The other one. The Alaskan. I'd do anything for her. Anything.

–1 Train


Or A…Fruit?

Guy playing Fruit Ninja on iPhone: Sugar, I just beat my brother's score! 754!
Girl: Nice! Baby, you should be a chef!

–D Train

Overheard by: Adrian P


Translation: He's Not Jewish

20-something girl #1: He certainly doesn't love me, but…
20-something girl #2: There is a connection?
20-something girl #1: There is a connection. There is an unusual amount of attraction, an unusual amount of fascination, and an unusual amount of delight…

–West Broadway


Whew!

Young suit: Does putting my Oxycontin dealer into my new phone before Laura* make me a bad boyfriend?
Female Suit: No… I think that just makes you a drug addict.

–61st St & Park Ave