Archive for 2011

If It Makes You Happy, Wednesday One-Liner Can't Be That Bad.

Perturbed man, angered by phone conversation: Look, I'd just be a lot happier if you'd tell me that next spring, we can go ballooning!

–Flatiron

Teacher, pointing to stick figure on blackboard: This guy over here, is he happy or sad? He's nonexistent, 'cause he's gonna get ripped in half.

–Pratt Institute

20-something guy: If my dick were so big that I couldn't walk, I would be happy.

–Spuyten Duyvil

Bald stocky dude with solid grey helmet head tattoo and massive facial piercings on cell: You know you just have to do what you can to be happy, but I am not going to keep having near-death experiences just to knock my rocks off.

–20th & 7th


Bill & Ted's Excellent Wednesday One-Liner

Teen girl: Philadelphia was the capital of the United States before it moved to New York…

–NJ Transit

Teen student to friend: I am working on an epic poem about George fucking Washington. Okay?

–25th & 6 Ave

Overheard by: Miles

Bimbo: Wait… I thought they didn't have the wheel?

–King Tut Exhibit, Discovery Center

Overheard by: duh, they even had batteries

Guy to friend: I think Gandhi's a dickhead. And wasn't his sister kind of a jerkoff, too?

–L Train


“Will Wednesday One-Liner for Food”

Hobo to arguing couple walking past: Get over it, man! Tell her you love her. Sometime you gotta kiss some ass, you know.

–8th Ave & 58th St

Overheard by: Lindsey

Bag lady with "the aid kills" sign, yelling: Help the homeless, help the homeless! No cure for the aid. No cure for pussy!

–Bryant Park

Hobo to little girl holding candy cigarette: Yooo! Is that a blunt? Gimme some, young lady.

–Herald Square

Overheard by: Alisa

Bitter beggar to passersby: Can you help me out? Assssssholes! Can you help me out, can you help me out? Assssssholes!

–41st & Madison

Overheard by: voidoid

Hobo to another who just folded and threw away cardboard box: That's one of them disposable beds isn't it?

–2nd Ave & 9th St


100% Kosher Wednesday One-Liners

Jewish girl: I'm not a good Jew. I'm like Spock.

–35th & 6th

Overheard by: superjew

Large, loud, middle-aged woman to girlfriends: And the worst part is they found a Jewish guy to play me in the movie!

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: bumblebree

20-something gentile: So what they're saying is, "if you're already Jewish, we can make you more Jewish."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Not Jewish

Boyfriend to girlfriend: Babe, when you grow up in a tight knit Jewish community, you don't notice noses.

–Angelina Cafe, Ave A & 3rd St


As Your Lawyers, We Advise You to Read These Wednesday One-Liners.

Bearded guy on cell, describing himself: Yeah… Scruffy. Like, if I lived in LA, I'd be a hipster, but because I live in New York, I'm just a sell-out lawyer.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: judydarkness

Judge: You are charged with unsafe driving, by pleading guilty you forfeit your right to a trial. Do you understand the charges brought against you? Of course you don't, because you don't speak English. (pause) Where's my damn interpreter?

–Courthouse

Overheard by: Taylor

Black man on cell: It's all because my lawyer is my brotha… We fuckin' break bread together!

–Elizabeth Street Center

Old woman holding broom: So that lawyer took the money? Goodbye! I'm going to kill her now!

–Astoria

Overheard by: Natalie


Actress/Wednesday-One-Liners

Girlfriend to boyfriend, seeing photos of famous 90s models: They looked so much better back then… when they were all anorexic.

–W. Broadway & Spring

30-something suit to friend: I wonder what it would be like to be a blind model.

–12 & C Alphabet City

Overheard by: kat

Manager: We don't let models come here during fashion week. They don't eat! We don't make any money!

–Il Buco, Bond Street

Guy riding bike on crowded sidewalk, screaming into cell: No! No models, and no fashion!

–76th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Harriet Vane


Are You Talking About Blowing My Nose?

Middle-aged husband: My sinuses are killing me.
Middle-aged wife: You really should try using a neti pot.
Middle-aged husband: No! That's disgusting! In one nostril and out the other…
Middle-aged wife: Some people think oral sex is disgusting.

–78th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Harriet Vane


…The “…She Has Scabies” Was Uncalled For, Though.

20-something girl on Saturday night: And when I woke up, they were all gone and I had a note pinned to my dress that said “please do not fuck this girl.” Wasn't that really nice that someone did that? I didn't recognize the handwriting.
20-something friend: Yeah, that was *really* nice.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: Blaiser