Archive for 2011

…for Dinner.

Teenage girl #1: It's not like I'm a cougar!
Teenage girl #2: You're only fifteen–how could you be a cougar?
Teenage girl #1: I mean, I like older men.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Graceful Space


…The Last One I Paid Attention To, Then

70-something mother: He got his legs blown off and his arm cut off in the war.
30-something son: Which war?
70-something mother: The last one.
30-something son: Mom, he's in his late 60s.
70-something mother: So?

–Crossbay Boulevard & 163rd St


On Weekends, Wednesday One-Liners Ride the Bus

Conductor: This is the one train goin' Express Express Express! From 137th Street to 96th Street. I repeat, Express to 96th Street. If someone next to you is wearin' headphones and they music is blarin' and you think they did not hear this announcement, kindly nudge them on the shoulder and enlighten them. Due to necessary track work, this train is goin' what now? Express! Express! Express! That's right, yeah you heard me. Express to 96th Street. Woo! You ready, my friends?! Here we go! Here we go! Here we goooo! Oh, and stand clear of the closing doors. Come on now, I'm ready to go.

–1 train

Overheard by: enlightened

Conductor: This is 9th Street. Transfer is available for the f train at the front of the platform by taking a ridiculously long staircase.

–9th St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: Marcin W

Conductor, over loudspeaker: Do you guys really have to hum to each other in front of everybody like that?

–Metro North

Overheard by: Tim

Train conductor: Attention passengers! 149th St. & Grand Concourse is the laaaast stop. You heard that? The laaaaaaaaast stop! That's right. Enjoy your Wednesday!

–2 Train

Overheard by: Joseph

Announcement on loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, this is not Times Square.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Dawn Duffey


Walt Whitman's Leaves Of Wednesday One-Liners

Man to woman: I's seen Kansas, man. All it is all sunflowers and sons of bitches.

–Near Delancey & Essex

Park employee, shouting to crowd: The bathrooms are closing in 30 minutes! If you gotta go, go now! (pause) The trees? They stay open all night!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Anne McDermott

Drunk guy: I feel like a million miles of dead roses.

–1 Train

Father to three-year-old son, looking at flowers: Look at all the heroin poppies, Sammy!

–Verdi Square

Mom to baby eating grass: No, sweetie, we don't eat grass. We smoke it.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Natalya & Mickey


Take a Page from Wednesday One-Liners…

Woman on cell phone: Listen. It's a fucking book club. We all read the same goddamn book, and then we discuss it. What don't you get? Are you freakin' stupid? This is supposed to be a nice goddamn thing we can do together!

–E Train

Overheard by: homesick

Middle-aged guy to another: I don't particularly like getting books as gifts, it makes me feel obligated to read them.

–96th Street Crosstown Bus

Guy handing out pamphlets: The passion of Sir Shizzle Manizzle! Come read the passion of sir Shizzle Manizzle! (no one takes the pamphlets)

–13th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fiammetta

20-something hipster, dismissively: Naw, they probably just wanna read books or something.

–Greenpoint Ave & Manhattan Ave


When Wednesday Met One-Liner…

Barnard freshman: My standards for an attractive guy have lowered so much since I got here that I'll now date anyone with a penis-like protrusion.

–Outside Psi U House, 114th & Broadway

Coworker: Relationships are not just rainbows and unicorns and bacon and puppies and sriracha sauce, you know!

–52nd & 6th Ave

Overheard by: simon

Girl to friend: My one and only internet date was a satanist. In the end, it wasn't so much that he was a satanist, as that he always had to be right.

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Girl in bathroom at bar: I hate being in relationships and dating guys! It's so complicated and pointless… Like when I dissected a frog in bio! Oh, wait… I don't think I've ever dissected a frog, shit! I don't know what it's like then, but it sucks!

–Midtown

Ivy league student: No, we have a "grinding is okay" clause in our relationship contract.


–Ave A & 2nd St


Girl to guy: No, you are not going to start swinging tonight. We are on a date!

–Bedford & North 6th

Overheard by: Amanda


The Master Bedroom Of Wednesday One-Liners

Colleague on phone with Health & Racquet Club: Is there a certain time at the gym during the week that is more popular with masturbation enthusiasts?

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER

Guy on cell walking dog: Hey, honey. I wanted to call you to tell you that I just masturbated… And I thought about you the whole time.

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: A-girl

Barnard girl walking by: This dry spell is getting really serious. My hand like, permanently smells like my pussy.

–Broadway & 114th

Overheard by: Rashmi

Man in wheelchair to friends walking: You would think so, but I masturbate with my right hand.

–14th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Staci

Crying girl screaming into cell: Is that the only word you masturbate to?!

–W 4th St & Barrow St

Overheard by: Howard


Wednesdass Hole-Liners

Man, shouting across train platform to women on other side: You on the other train! You going to Woodlawn! Woodlawn's a man's asshole!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Going the other way

Overly loud ghetto thug to 10-year-old white boy staring at him: Nigga, whatchu lookin' up my asshole fo?"

–Bxm10 Express Bus

Overheard by: rectur inspector

Teen girl to friend: I'm not saying she's an asshole, I'm saying her brother's a jackoff.

–Newkirk Ave

Young woman: My son is a lot like me. My daughter is a lot like her father: an asshole. She's an asshole. Does that sound terrible, that I call my two-year-old daughter an asshole?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox


Wednesday Can-Be-Taken-More-Than-One-Way Liners

Woman in the middle of cell phone call, entering crowded elevator: Well, I am leaving work right now, and barring any unforeseen problems, I will be able to take you both ways tonight!

–Elevator, 30 Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Michael

Small child holding on to dad's arm for support on train: I'll just hold on to your meaty pole.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: K

Grandmother to table: I don't care if it's big! I just don't want it shriveled up.

–Buddy's Deli, Glen Oaks

Overheard by: Howie

Teacher, about flash drive: Why do I have to lie on the floor to get this thing in… Can somebody do it for me please?

–Bronx High School of Science, History Class

Overheard by: urbanadventurer

British student taking picture of statue: I'm going to take it from behind.

–The Met


Squeaky-Clean Wednesday One-Liners

Father on cell: When I come home, you're going to be shamwowed.

–4th st & Ave A

7th grade Asian girl: My mom hasn't done laundry in, like, forever. I'm wearing my bathing suit under this.

–Hunter College High School

College girl, out of nowhere: They should really get soap on a rope in prison. I mean, wouldn't that help people if they are always dropping the soap?

–NJ Transit

Woman on phone: Kids have to be in bed by 9:30, but at 9:00 they must be in hot water, bathing and soaking their penises.

–40th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Michelle