Archive for 2011

Thought I Was the Only One It Gave Such Good Service To

Lobby guard to suit #1: This way, sir, I have an elevator waiting right here for you.
Suit #2, already in elevator: What a disappointment. I thought I was the only one he gave such good service to.
Suit #1: Life is just a series of small disappointments punctuated by the occasional crushing disappointment.
Suit #2: Oh, there are occasional high points.
Suit #1: Do you remember your last one?
Suit #2, getting off at his floor: Thanks for the uplift.
Suit #1: Don't thank me for that, thank the elevator.

–15 Maiden Lane

Overheard by: Big Larry


…With Baby Rape at a Close Second.

Loud, 30-something morning female commuter: Oh my god! It's worse than cancer!
Even louder 30-something morning female commuter: I know! Getting old sucks! It's the worst thing!

–N Train

Overheard by: Courtwick


Robert Pattinson Is One Fine Drink Of Water.

20-something woman to another, holding large ceramic mug with Twilight characters on it: That is a pretty great mug.
20-something woman #2, nodding: Yeah.
20-something woman #1: That might be the best mug ever.

–Downtown 4 Train


I Reiterate My Question.

Boy #1: Man, I am hungry! Let's get off here and get some pizza.
Boy #2: Nah, man. You don't want to do that. Round here there's only kosher shit.
Boy #1: What's wrong with kosher shit?
Boy #2: Cheese tastes like pussy!

–B6 Bus


Bitch, Say My Order! Say It!

Guy at Starbucks: You know just how I like it, right?
Barista: No, I really have no idea.

–West 4th & Washington Square East

Overheard by: Sahar


Stuff It in Your Chalupa, Sir

Restaurant patron, on Cinco de Mayo: Can I hit the piñata?
Waiter: Sir, their is nothing inside the piñata.
Restaurant patron: Yes, but there's rage inside me!

–Fonda Mexicana

Overheard by: A – This Girl Knows What I'm Talkin' About


We Were Told There'd Be No Math on These Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to date: I was like "what does "less than three" mean"?

–Dumont Burger

Teenage boy with rainbow hat: I wanted to show her my orgasmic calculus book!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Crackhead, shouting at hobo: No, man, I'm not giving you a penny! Ya know why? I save my pennies! Ya know why? Cause if you save one penny every day for a year, that's three hundred and sixty five dollars. After five years, that's three thousand dollars. And after ten years…

–Spring & Layfayette

Elderly Chinese professor to panel of lawyers: I'm not sure, but if you look in the NASA phonebook, over half of the names are Chinese! Over half! (pause) I'm not sure, but can you imagine? This is because Americans are not good at math, that's a fact.

–St. John's University, Jamaica, Queens

Overheard by: Wayne B.

Man on phone: Dude, like, she was sucking harder than motherfucking trigonometry.

–Times Square

Overheard by: gwen


Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz a Wednesday One-Liner…

Dad to kids: Polar bears are actually quite dangerous… Yeah, they're like the leading cause of death in Alaska.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Amy

Girl at equipment desk to male coworker: Yeah, I get it… You don't want to get into it. It's like sticking your dick in a bear trap!

–Palladium Gym

Tourist, watching Tennessee old time string band: It reminds me of Disney Land… Where the bears are. Let's go.

–Union Square

Drunk college kid to friend: Dude! I feel like a polar bear who just realized that his life is meaningless!

–C Train

Overheard by: smorell93


“Pretty Wednesday One-Liner, Walkin' Down the Street…”

Girl screaming into cell: Listen, I don't care if he broke your heart, ate half of it, and then burned the other half as you lay there dying! He's beautiful and I'm going to sleep with him!

–Park Slope

Guy: I find Eileen so much more attractive when she sits down.

–Central Park

Man, shouting at passing woman: You are as beautiful as the weather, you … Princess … Queen … Lord of lords.

–1st Ave & 2nd St

Little girl, watching strip club ad on taxi: Mommy, that lady is really pretty!

–86th St


…Hence My High Heels and No Pants

Black guy #1: I ate two of them weed brownies and I was all normal except for seein' all of them cartoon hallucinations. Donald duck, mickey mouse–they was all there in front of me!
Black guy #2: Man, I'm gonna stay away from that shit. I'm paranoid enough already.

–L Train

Overheard by: Not a cartoon