Archive for 2011

Thought I Was the Only One It Gave Such Good Service To

Lobby guard to suit #1: This way, sir, I have an elevator waiting right here for you.
Suit #2, already in elevator: What a disappointment. I thought I was the only one he gave such good service to.
Suit #1: Life is just a series of small disappointments punctuated by the occasional crushing disappointment.
Suit #2: Oh, there are occasional high points.
Suit #1: Do you remember your last one?
Suit #2, getting off at his floor: Thanks for the uplift.
Suit #1: Don't thank me for that, thank the elevator.

–15 Maiden Lane

Overheard by: Big Larry

…With Baby Rape at a Close Second.

Loud, 30-something morning female commuter: Oh my god! It's worse than cancer!
Even louder 30-something morning female commuter: I know! Getting old sucks! It's the worst thing!

–N Train

Overheard by: Courtwick

Robert Pattinson Is One Fine Drink Of Water.

20-something woman to another, holding large ceramic mug with Twilight characters on it: That is a pretty great mug.
20-something woman #2, nodding: Yeah.
20-something woman #1: That might be the best mug ever.

–Downtown 4 Train

I Reiterate My Question.

Boy #1: Man, I am hungry! Let's get off here and get some pizza.
Boy #2: Nah, man. You don't want to do that. Round here there's only kosher shit.
Boy #1: What's wrong with kosher shit?
Boy #2: Cheese tastes like pussy!

–B6 Bus

Bitch, Say My Order! Say It!

Guy at Starbucks: You know just how I like it, right?
Barista: No, I really have no idea.

–West 4th & Washington Square East

Overheard by: Sahar

Stuff It in Your Chalupa, Sir

Restaurant patron, on Cinco de Mayo: Can I hit the piñata?
Waiter: Sir, their is nothing inside the piñata.
Restaurant patron: Yes, but there's rage inside me!

–Fonda Mexicana

Overheard by: A – This Girl Knows What I'm Talkin' About

We Were Told There'd Be No Math on These Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to date: I was like "what does "less than three" mean"?

–Dumont Burger

Teenage boy with rainbow hat: I wanted to show her my orgasmic calculus book!

–Borders, Time Warner Center

Crackhead, shouting at hobo: No, man, I'm not giving you a penny! Ya know why? I save my pennies! Ya know why? Cause if you save one penny every day for a year, that's three hundred and sixty five dollars. After five years, that's three thousand dollars. And after ten years…

–Spring & Layfayette

Elderly Chinese professor to panel of lawyers: I'm not sure, but if you look in the NASA phonebook, over half of the names are Chinese! Over half! (pause) I'm not sure, but can you imagine? This is because Americans are not good at math, that's a fact.

–St. John's University, Jamaica, Queens

Overheard by: Wayne B.

Man on phone: Dude, like, she was sucking harder than motherfucking trigonometry.

–Times Square

Overheard by: gwen

Put This in Your Wednesday One-Liner and Smoke It!

High school kid in line at Whole Foods: I read this scary article about how doing acid can permanently mess with your serotonin levels and make you depressed and shit… I guess I should do shrooms instead.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Middle-aged gangster on phone: You high for nothin'… High for nothin'!… Man, nobody tryin' to threaten you!

–Ave C & E 14th st

Guy on cell: I failed my drug test and everything. I've done drank the juice, I've drunk mad water, I pissed my life away, that shit didn't clear nuthin'. Dude said I had like five mammograms in my system.

–Atlantic Terminal

Overheard by: Jess

Grungy man on bike: Books! Sushi! And last but not least… druuuuugs!

–14th St & Union Square East

Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuz a Wednesday One-Liner…

Dad to kids: Polar bears are actually quite dangerous… Yeah, they're like the leading cause of death in Alaska.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Amy

Girl at equipment desk to male coworker: Yeah, I get it… You don't want to get into it. It's like sticking your dick in a bear trap!

–Palladium Gym

Tourist, watching Tennessee old time string band: It reminds me of Disney Land… Where the bears are. Let's go.

–Union Square

Drunk college kid to friend: Dude! I feel like a polar bear who just realized that his life is meaningless!

–C Train

Overheard by: smorell93

“Pretty Wednesday One-Liner, Walkin' Down the Street…”

Girl screaming into cell: Listen, I don't care if he broke your heart, ate half of it, and then burned the other half as you lay there dying! He's beautiful and I'm going to sleep with him!

–Park Slope

Guy: I find Eileen so much more attractive when she sits down.

–Central Park

Man, shouting at passing woman: You are as beautiful as the weather, you … Princess … Queen … Lord of lords.

–1st Ave & 2nd St

Little girl, watching strip club ad on taxi: Mommy, that lady is really pretty!

–86th St