Archive for 2011

The Episode Of The Office You Never Saw

Middle aged daughter in build-it-yourself furniture aisle: Why don't you get Stanley* to put that together for you?”
Elderly mother: Stanley*? Stanley*? Do you know how long it would take him to put that together? He couldn't even finish painting my cabinet. He'd arrive at 11 and leave at 2. Had to go get his crack. That fool could never build that for me!

–Target, Atlantic Centre, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tigertail


At Least Their Bodies Are Fit.

Brunette ditz to friends: Oh my god, I just had the most awful experience. I jumped the turnstile on the subway, you know my thing with the MTA, right?
Blond ditz: Uh-huh.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, yeah.
Brunette ditz: Whenever they double charge me, I jump the turnstile. You know, when it says swipe again, it always does this! (pause) So this bitch yelled at me and told me that I was responsible for making her fares go up, and I was stealing!
Blond ditz: What?! That is totally not like stealing a loaf of bread or something.
Black-haired ditz: Yeah, and it's not like the MTA watches and raises prices every time you jump the turnstile.
Brunette ditz: I know. It's ridiculous! And I had to sit there listening to her for like a whole minute. I should just get an unlimited, you guys.
Blond ditz: I get weeklies in case I lose the monthly one. It only comes out to $5 more.
Black-haired ditz: Oh, that's a good idea…
Blond ditz: Because like, the monthly is $104. And how many weeks are in a month?
Black-haired ditz: Ummmmmm…
Brunette ditz: Ummmmmmmm….

–Crunch, Union Square


Wednesday One-Liners: Kid Tested, Mother Approved.

Elementary school girl to father: You know I was so popular in first grade that I used Pamela's technique from kindergarten and had different people sit with me on different days of week.

–B67 Bus

Overheard by: never had this problem

8-year-old boy sitting on coin-operated kiddie horse ride: If this was El Toro, my wiener would really hurt!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Rachel

Young child in public restroom, watching mother dry hands under electric dryer: Mommy, do we have to pay for air?

–5th Ave & 23rd St

Overheard by: Jenica

Little girl with blank stare to no one in particular: Don't push me, you bastard!

–PATH Station

Overheard by: AdHoculi

Four-year-old girl: Mary had a little lamb… but I ate it!

–Penn Station


Wifesday One-Liners

Girl checking cell: Sharon just texted me telling me she's engorged. (phone beeps) Oh, she meant "engaged." Either way, good for her.

–NYU Bobst Library

Overheard by: Lotte

60-year-old woman, on Chelsea Clinton wedding: She's not that attractive; they were lucky to marry her off.

–79th St & 1st

Young woman: She can't get deported, she is my hair stylist. I need to find a man to marry her!

–D Train

Overheard by: Emm

Hobo, eavesdropping on two female suits talking about relationships: He don't wanna marry you? Hit him over the head with a shovel!

–Financial District


Wednesday Eight-Sided-Dice Liners

Bearded nerd walking into comic book store: Don't even start arguing with me about Star Wars, man. You're not gonna win.

–Forbidden Planet, Union Square

Comic-Con goer: I don't think I could eat a pikachu.

–Jacob K. Javits Center, Midtown

Nerdy girl on cell: I don't care how good you are at black ops! I'm screwing a dungeon master, that gives me twice as much nerd cred as you!

–Grand Central

Nerd guy: My type is basically anyone who is flirting with me.

–Park Ave & 26th St

Overheard by: Ted


Wednesday Womb-Liners

Middle-aged woman: I've had three pregnancies so far this year!

–Union Square

Classy gal to friend: I said, "listen bitch, I would beat you up, but you're fucking pregnant!"

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: astoria mets fan

Ghetto girl to another: I don't know how it happened! He pulls out all the time!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Chris Harmison

Overweight girl: I wish I was pregnant again. They treat you special when you're pregnant.

–W 39th St


Macy's Got TARP Money?

Shoe store clerk to old man: Can I get you anything?
Old man: A million bucks!

–Macy's Herald Square

Overheard by: Sarah Chalek


Larry Craig's Pick-Up Lingo Gets More Cryptic Every Year

Drunk in bathroom to guys at urinals: You have any gum?
(one by one, everyone at each respective urinal says no)
Drunk, yelling in disappointment
: Man! This is a gumless place! (walks out)


–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Walter macIndoe