Archive for 2011

I Won't Be There

Suit: When I get you pregnant, I don't think you'll gain a lot of weight.
Girlfriend: Oh, yes I will. The moment I get knocked up I'm going to gain like fifty pounds.
Suit: Please do!

–3rd Ave & 14th St


Was Jesus Even Missing?

Guy: Yeah, he like found Jesus.
Friend: Oh, no.
Guy: So he's the type of guy that everything is excellent for him all the time, and I'm just not like that.

–Bowery & 2nd


Wednesday One-Liners Still Wonder What “Casual Dining Establishment” Really Means.

40-something tourist to friend: I wonder if there is a Panda Express around here…

–Chinatown

Husband to wife: That place has really good burgers, but there are a lot of gays.

–The Village

Overheard by: NY Homo

Enraged suit on cell: Virgil's Barbecue? Virgil's Barbecue?! Where the hell is that? How the fuck am I supposed to find a place called Virgil's Barbecue in the middle of the night?! I don't even know if that shit exists!

–Outside Virgil's BBQ, W. 44th

Overheard by: Lynne

Tourist on cell: Yeah I'm hungry, I'm tryin' to find an In-N-Out but I can't. (pause) Wait, what? (pause) You're kidding me. Are you serious? (raising voice) How could they not have one here? (screaming) Not even a Sonic? And this is supposed to be a world class city!

–Times Square

Teenage girl on phone with boyfriend: You know you shouldn't eat at White Castle so much because that kind of food can give you all kinds of diabetes: Like sugar diabetes, salt diabetes… You know, all the kinds.

–Penn Station


Wednesdildo One-Liners

Guy to woman on park bench: So then I was like, "Okay, it's vibrating. It's your turn."

–108 & Broadway

Overheard by: carol

Guy to date: Anal beads!

–Auction House Bar, Upper East Side

Overheard by: JT

Brother: Hey, sis, fuck any guys in the ass with a dildo lately?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ry

Guy to friend: Hey man, I always wanted to own a sex shop, spend all day talkin' to bitches 'bout dill-doez.

–Bushwick

Guy, screaming into cell: You don't have a job, Rita*… you're sitting at home sucking and fucking a dildo! At least I am out here handing out flyer's for a living!

–8th & 39th

Overheard by: Becki M


Wednesday Gets More One-Liner Than a Toilet Seat.

Woman: I may be looking for one bed partner, but until I find him I'll settle for many.

–Williamsburg

Woman on phone: Shaquanda's a hoe. You can't turn a ho into a housewife.

–St. George Ferry Terminal

Overheard by: John

Sorority suit to group of frat boy suits: I was in AOPi. They used to call us "AO cream pie."

–53rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: tommya

Guy to friend: I ran into this girl the other day and she said "you don't remember me? You fucked me like last week!" so I said "girl, youse a hoe!"

–1 Train

Not-ugly Columbia undergrad outside Pi Kappa frat house: Come on, let me in, I'm a pike slut. Just let me in and I'll fuck you.

–114th St & Broadway

Bitchy coworker: She was sleeping with so many people that, statistically, someone had to die.

–52nd & 6th

Overheard by: simonfknyc


WASPday One-Liners

Professor: Wake your honky ass up and listen to me! Yes, I just said "honky." Out loud.

–Tisch School of the Arts

Drug dealer to another: Why you sell to black people? Sell to white people–that's where the money's at.

–Prospect Park

Black dude to white girlfriend: If you think you're setting one foot on that boardwalk without putting on this SPF 45, surely you are out of your damn mind.

–F Train

Overheard by: EmLo

Crazy black lady to white lady: This is a white man's world! I oughta shoot you in the face!

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: rudy STANTZ

Youngster, after being shown trailer for John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy: Yo–that's like a white people version of the Biggie Smalls movie.

–AMC Loews Theater, Kips Bay


I Love My Wednesday, but Oh You One-Liner!

Young black guy on cell: Okay, okay, okay… What if I told you I have another girlfriend… On the side?

–New Museum

Angry girl on cell: And my other boyfriend is cheating on me with his wife again!

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Joseph O'Connell

Angry woman trying to yell at her husband and not be overheard: You stretched her ass and licked it… Just like you did to me!

–Washington Square Park

Loud guy on phone: I have a very serious question, and I expect a very serious answer. Did you fuck my girlfriend last night?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Mimi

50-something guy to another: That's why I never cheat on my wife, because I know I'd get caught. I just wish she wasn't getting so fat.

–Outside Essex House

Overheard by: NewNewYorker


The Little Wednesday One-Liner That Could

Conductor: For reasons known only to the sadists who run the MTA, this downtown d train will be making all local stops to 59th Street.

–D Train

Conductor: 125th Street, next stop is 116, stand clear of the closing doors. (more quietly) You know, I'm kinda thirsty.

–Downtown C Train

MTA employee: This is the last stop on the q train. Please take all of your personal belongings… and don't forget your children.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Victoria

Train driver, announcing last stop: This is it. There is no more… Nothing else.

–Times Square Subway Station

Overheard by: NYCQ


Wednesday One-Liners Will Cut a Bitch.

Middle schooler on field trip: Oh my god, we're gonna get knifed.

–Times Square

Woman on cell: Do you have any chainsaws I can borrow?

–38th & 2nd

Harley Davidson dude to another: So I stabbed that guy, and that guy, and then that guy.

–7th St & Bedford Ave

Overheard by: NYCQ

Woman on cell: Today is not the day. I can't come to 14th Street or I'll stab you.

–42nd St & Ave of the Americas

Overheard by: Matthew

The Child Is the Father Of the Wednesday One-Liner

Flamboyant hipster Latino to straight-looking Latino boyfriend: Someday he'll call you daddy, and then all hell is gonna break loose.

–Ave C & 16th St

Lady to nine-year-old boy: I hate to tell you, but your dad is in jail. He owes me a lot of money!

–R Train

Guy on cell: Yeah, look, I told you. Your bail was set at $18,000. The bail bondsman wants 10%. Where the fuck am I supposed to get $1,800 to bail your sorry ass out of jail? (pause) Yeah, I love you too, dad.

–33rd St b/w 7th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

FedEx delivery guy on cell: How the hell did Halle Berry get pregnant without me being the father?

–Spruce St

Overheard by: janine