Archive for 2011

Now I Hate You

Pretty brunette #1: My parents hate me.
Pretty brunette #2: What do you mean?
Pretty brunette #1: They told me I have to pay for my own gas and insurance! Plus, I already have to pay for my ice skating lessons and my trip to France.
Pretty brunette #2: Didn't they pay for us to see this show tonight?
Pretty brunette #1: Yeah, but that's not what I mean!

–Majestic Theatre


Hot Tranny Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: Hey! You boy! You don't work that pole!

–L Train

Overheard by: Sanam

Tranny, wailing to nobody in particular: Women! You don't have any vagina muscles! You can't please the men!

–Amsterdam & 96th St

Tall black man: Can you believe that that bitch called me a faggot? A faggot is a little boy, I am a grown ass drag queen. I will put on a wig and some heels and rip that bitch's throat out!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Jade

20-something white girl on phone: Oh my god, guess where I went today… Target! (pause)
It's in Spanish Harlem. (pause) Yes, I went with someone, I went with this gay guy who acted more of a girl than I did!

–Penn Station

30-something suit on cell: But you know what? (audible snap!) That's just a good lesson for the trannies!

–A Train

Overheard by: willbnyc


Wednesday One-Liners, Now in 3D!

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, here is today's trivia question: in the movie The Wizard of Oz, what was the name of Dorothy's uncle? If you know the answer please tell the conductor. It's driving him nuts.

–F Train

Overheard by: Nick Mavro

Man on cell: Are you on 17th or 18? Okay, we'll meet in the middle. Like Benjamin Button.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Megan

Coed to friend: Girl, don't even question how many times I've seen Maid in Manhattan.

–86th & Lexington

Overheard by: Lix

Old gayguy sagely talking to really old gay guy on stoop: When A Clockwork Orange was made it was a fable. Now it's a documentary.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Beethoven

Hobo pushing office chair down street to students waiting in long line: What is this line for? This better be for a damn good movie, with lots of sex and violence! What is this shit? Chucky gets married or something?!

–University & 8th


Wednesday One-Liners Should Be Treated with Kid Gloves

Dad to screaming toddler he's hanging upside down: Shhh! Shh… Sweetie, it's just like yoga… Now deep breathe… Now… Practice your chakras…

–1st Ave & 1st St

Young father to toddler: Hey man, it's not cool to scratch your butt in public! I know you have an itchy, but the chicks don't dig that.

–Prospect Park West

Overheard by: Marina

Dad with European accent to young boy slowly riding bike with training wheels: Do you know what we call this in English? (pause) "Pathetic."

–Park Slope

Overheard by: baconista

Father to toddler, after she picked up pacifier from pavement: The five-second rule does not apply in New York City!

–M&M Store

Dad, walking 7-year-old son to school: You gotta remember. Everything I know, I know from comic books.

–91st St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Moses


Wednesday One-Liners See the Big Picture

Usher to couple taking pictures: Excuse me, please. If you love Jesus, you'll stop taking pictures of the chandelier.

–Broadway Theater

Guy on cell: And the Jackie Onassis picture had laser beams for eyes!

–Central Park Reservoir

Hobo, screaming at young female tourist attempting to photograph him: Go ahead, take a picture, bitch! I'll break that shit. (looks at her companion) That yo man? I'll break him too!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Mark P

Holidaying mum to teenager: Why do you have to do that? You ruin every freaking picture! Take a nice picture!

–6 Train

Overheard by: katherine Wallace

Teen on cell: I'm gonna take a big dump, send you a picture of it, then you can call me back.

–Bushwick


Jesus Was Crucified Between a Bad Wednesday and a Good One-Liner

20-something girl to friend: It was really awkward talking to him while holding the baklava I was stealing.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: Elizabeth

Girl: No! I am not trying to rob a bank.

–Times Square

Woman, shouting to herself in bathroom: Patrick Swayze's in the bathroom, tryin' to tell everyone to get out or they're gonna get robbed!

–Women's Room, Penn Station

Overheard by: Katie

Enormously fat woman, with great pride: I could leave my uncle alone in my house for hours, and he will not steal from me.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Paul

Middle-aged businesswoman in slow drugstore checkout line: I work upstairs, and I can't tell you the number of times I've been here to pick something up, and just walked right out without paying for it because they took so long.

–Duane Reade

Overheard by: slurpeefiend


Wednesday One-Liners Get Ready to Rummmmmble!

Skinny white lady: I don't know if they're gang members, but they're, like, tough people, and we got in a fight…

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jon A.

Rotund black mama: I could drop kick a negro!

–36th & 9th

Husky Woody Allen-voiced gent: Melinda pinches me. Really hard. I get black and blue.

–Church St

Overheard by: Justin Severed

Girl on cell: I want to slap you in your face! (pause) Yes, I'm causing a scene! People are staring at me!

–Mercer & 3rd Ave

Ironically ghetto finance dude: Dude, if I had the power, I'd smite the mighty fuck out of you.

–Pace University

Overheard by: JFelt


Every Real Housewives Of… Franchise: In a Nutshell.

Girl #1 to girl #2: My friend is crazy, literally crazy, like you wouldn't believe. But she's got a good heart, most people who meet her turn away, but you just gotta get to know her. And she's engaged to a gazillionaire, who's married but getting a divorce. He lives with her in a condo he got. We useta have fun, but now that she's preggers and I'm in debt we can't. Oh, but I finally paid off my Balenciaga bag!
Girl #2: Didn't you guy that bag like five years ago?

–Starbucks