Archive for 2011

Your Editors Are Sheepishly Raising Our Hands

NYU student #1: The fire alarm went off in the building at, like, 1 am last night. It was semi-terrifying. I was so mad.
NYU student #2: Who set it off?
NYU student #1: I don't know, I think someone burned toast in their room.
NYU student #2: Who makes toast at 1am?
NYU student #1: I know, right! Last time it went off, it was from a deep frying pan at, like, 9pm. Who deep-fries at 9pm?

–NYU


Wednesday One-Liner Talk With Linda Richman

Woman on cell: I can't find you. What are you near? (pause) You're near a Starbucks?

–Herald Square, Corner of Starbucks & Starbucks

Overheard by: Eve

Southern male tourist, very excited: I found a Starbucks, honey!

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Charley

Flamboyant black man with coffee, pushing his way through crowd, loudly: I got coffee and I'm not saying "excuse me." I'm not sick in the head.

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: erkala

Pudgy Southern tourist woman to pudgy southern tourist man: Look, honey, there's Starbucks! Oh! Oh! Look, there's Starbucks!

–Washington & Albany

30-something woman to ex: The answer is no. And if I change my mind, I'm not going to let my ego get in the way of calling you, but no fucking way. A whiskey? Sure. Sex? Maybe. But there is no fucking way I am getting coffee with you.

–Bar, Lower East Side

Overheard by: Evan


“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Wednesday One-Liners…”

Chic blonde girl to chic blonde friend: I was like "I don't really know what's going on mentally, but your hair looks really good."

–Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Rose

Loud mixed race Jamaican woman to blonde woman asking her to be quiet: You think you so great? You got blonde hair… I got blonde hair!

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: Fred

Cat fight spectator: Oh, shit… She ripped out her track… Shit, there's mad weaves on the floor!

–Curtis High School, Staten Island

Overheard by: love my school

Young man in elevator to friend: He's taller than me with my hair gelled.

–Long Island City

Overheard by: Jim N

Man to wife, during intermission: I don't think anyone gets killed, I think someone gets a haircut.

Marriage of Figaro,Metropolitan Opera

Overheard by: Cheryl


What's Wednesday and One-Liner and Red All Over?

Gay guy to friend: I was like "bitch, either you got regular flow or heavy flow, which one is it?"

–14th St & Broadway

Blonde on cell: Okay, so when does your period start? (pause) Monday? Okay, that's great!

–High Line

30-something on cell: Ugh. Now my periods are like miscarriages.

–Bleecker & Bowery

Woman to cashier: You guys don't got no air on in here? Mmm-mmmmm. Y'all got menopausal women comin' up in here? Uh-uh.

–Omega Gourmet Deli, 125th St

Overheard by: Alex G.

Brunette to stranger: Don't stand too close to me, I'm on my period. And it's the second day, so it's a really heavy flow. (guy makes disgusted face) Just kidding, I'm pregnant!

–116 St & Broadway

Overheard by: Natalie


A Wednesday One-Liner a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Furious teenage girl to boyfriend: Who's the cantaloupe now, motherfucker?

–Long Island City

Overheard by: Sunny

Man to bodega vendor: What would you get a girl for two dollars? I think I'll go with the grapefruit.

–Bleecker St

Guy eating watermelon: Fucking seedless, my ass!

–Central Park

Female suit: She was flying down the stairs with her dress up, no panties, half of her ass hanging out, and a banana in her mouth.

–57th St &7th Ave

Overheard by: varumarke

20-something, cheerfully: We make the goo! It's fresh goo, and the strawberries are real!

–Carroll St & Kingston Ave

Overheard by: Scared of the goo!


Psh, You Still Read Wednesday One-Liners?

Hipster guy, rejecting hip-hop CD offered by street vendor: I would buy it if it was like, alternative folk… Or, like, alternative hip-hop… Really, I'd buy it if it just had the word "alternative" in it.

–West Village

Hipster girl to friend: Don't worry, we'll find a time to watch socialist movies together soon!

–Eugene Lang College

Hipster girl staring at Pabst beer: I can't believe we're drinking hipster beer!

–Bogart & Varet, Brooklyn

Hipster girl to hipster boyfriend, after PA announced that a crowded subway is no excuse for inappropriate touching: I like to be touched inappropriately.

–B Train

Overheard by: Rich Weksberg

Hipster boy: The first time I got gay-raped I was like, "oh yeah, I might like this."

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Lesbian Unicorn

Hipster guy to hipster girlfriend: Getting a job is not selling out; it's just getting a job.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Bearded Wonder


Wednesday One-LinE.R.s

Gay guy to hag: My wrist hurts. I think it's from all the Britney.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: canyouvoguetoBritney?

Middle aged woman in full snow-Armageddon regalia to MTA worker: You've got to call in that machine over there. It's holding onto credit cards with a death grip. Worse than my aunt. She nearly broke my wrist when she passed last week, god rest. Debit cards aren't safe over there, either.

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Kurt Lindsey

Newyorican woman to friends: And that was the second time he got hit by a train…

–Loisaida

Overheard by: LES

Man with cane trying to exit crowded grocery to woman: Hello! Hello! You like fucking with cripples? Hello!

–57th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Robert

Hobo to chick with right arm in sling: Don't tell me. I know what did that to you… Rough sex.

–Broadway & 4th St

Woman: It was a work-related injury; she twisted her ankle while skipping.

–Maiden Lane & William St.

Overheard by: Theodore Miller


Bottoms Up, Wednesday One-Liners!

College guy to girl: I hope you don't mind; I traded your vodka for butt sex.

–Columbia University

Guy on cell: I'm sorry, man! I would have called you, but I figured you were busy… Like, in someone's ass.

–Westside Market

Young woman working behind bar: I totally love to give head and get fucked in the ass at the same time.

–Crown Heights

Overheard by: montana

Black man on bike, yelling into phone: I don't care! Butt sex is part of life for a nigga, dude!

–30th Ave & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Russell in Astoria

Black suit to vendor, cheerfully: Gimme your girlfriend, I'll fuck her in the ass!

–Broadway & 32nd

Overheard by: erkala


Shit.

Young woman leaving Macy's employee entrance: Fuck, will you people just fucking walk!?
Little boy: Mommy, why is the elf in different clothes? And why is she saying bad words?
Random passerby: It's because she's a New York elf.
Little boy: Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh.
Mom: Shit!
Little boy: You could be a New York elf!!!!!!

–35th & 7th