Archive for 2011

You Mean, Like, a Gender Reassignment?

Asian 20-something #1: She only dates white guys.
Asian 20-something #2: So?
Asian 20-something #1: They've been together for five years!
Asian 20-something #2: So what? She's ready for a change.

–6 Train


Wednesday One-Liners, High and in School

Teen girl to friends: I'm ready to get drunk and make some mistakes this weekend! What up? High five it!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: ethan

Teen kid to another: I got mad homework… I got my Foot Locker job… I got my girl… Yo, son, you gotta get it done, land that shit in the Hudson, son!

–J Train

Overheard by: Ed O'Neill

Teenage girl: Eww! That's so gross. There's nothing that makes me more uncomfortable than pregnancy, babies, and tourists. Good thing I'm not any one of those!

–1 Train

Teenage boy to friends: You know I've never been grounded? Not even that one time when I hit my dad back.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Evan M

Teen girl to friend: Wait a second… So you can't get pregnant if you're both wearing jeans, right?

–Outside Catholic High School, Queens


Pow, Alice, Right in the Wednesday One-Liners!

Tiny boy to another, pointing at crowd exiting the subway station: Look! It's our audience for the smackdown!

–Carroll St

Overheard by: kdice

20-something girl to another: Have you ever seen my legs? My legs will, like, choke you, forever.

–Prince St.

Overheard by: Roland McFly

Cop: I'm gonna smack somebody!

–Chinatown

Overheard by: chris k.

Angry girl: I didn't give him a hickey, I just bit him!

–Bowery & 3rd St

Street vendor to customer: My big boy, he'll beat you up. But he won't try to hurt you.

–Livingston & Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: KP Whitey

Very persistent girl on cell: Come out with me! Get emancipated! Just doctor a video of your parents beating you and get emancipated, and I'll adopt you, and then we can go out.

–Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway

Overheard by: amalthya


Wednesday Airliners

Mother to young daughter freaking out over some turbulence: Calm down! I'll let you know when it's time to start panicking!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Max

Pilot, making announcement: Thank you for flying American Airlines. It's been a pleasure having your mom with us today.

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Sunny

Flight attendant, giving safety talk: If you are flying with young children, put on your own mask first; if you are flying with two young children, choose the one with the most college potential.

–Baltimore-New York Flight

Overheard by: KingoftheNighttimeSquirrels

Gay guy welcoming passengers on plane: Alright everybody, have a great time, good luck on the bikini contest! (to random woman), Don't worry, I have faith you'll win! (to random man) You can be the judge!

–Delta Airline Leaving LaGuardia

Overheard by: taylor

Woman to friend, after airplane dropped slightly: Whoa, all the blood just like, rushed back into my ovaries!

–Entering LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: taylor

Airplane maintenance worker entering jetway, exasperated and surprised: Woah… Uh, oh, wrong plane.

–Laguardia Airport

Overheard by: Afrocurl


Sparkling Wednesday One-Liners

Gay man: I think my blood type has recently changed from O positive to Cabernet.

–Greenwich Wine Bar

Overheard by: Bri

Woman with too much makeup on cell: What the fuck is a Demi Lovato? Some kinda sweet wine?

–Limelight Market, 20th St. & 6th Ave.

Overheard by: Manhattman

Coworker: Oooh, I can't believe I'm going there. I can't wait to pay $20 for a glass of champagne tonight!

–Office Building, Union Square

Overheard by: cube girl

Guy on cell waiting to cross street: Which kind of art is impressionism? (pause) Oh, yeah, I really like the older stuff. But we should totally go. I bet they'll have free wine.

–23rd and 7th

Suit on cell: I'm not good at saying this because I am such a hollow and disturbed individual, but… I love you… And that's not just the wine talking.

–43rd & 9th

Overheard by: or maybe it is…


Wednesday One-Liner, Where Are You?

British guy: Oh, Toronto. Is that near Japan?

–L Train

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Dad to small children: Look kids, this is Central Park!

–Washington Square Park

Gray-haired suit to colleagues: They're going to Spain, Morocco, and Madrid. (pauses) Madrid is a country, right?

–Uptown A Train

Tourist on the corner of 45th and Broadway, pointing in random direction: Times Square is that way!

–45st & Broadway

Hefty white man in the back of pedicab: Alright, keep going… (long pause, then loudly) But you're wrong!

–44th & 7th

Overheard by: Lisa Mavinelli


The Greatest One-Liner Ever Wednesdayed

Hobo to scantily clad woman: I'm gonna tell Jesus on you.

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: sarah

Man on cell: You can only play the martyr for so long without getting on a cross.

–Park Slope

Enthusiastic nerdy guy to friends: Seriously, man, that thing's the Jesus. That's why I'm the punk rock unicorn.

–34th Street

Small, middle-aged Jewish woman, after tripping through turnstile: Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus Christ! Jesus… Christ… Jesus… Christ… Jesus…

–1 Train

Singer on train, after teens make fun of him: I'm trying to sing my gospel song, to make money to feed my daughter, and people are laughing at me! You might need Jesus and I'm trying to share him with you. So shut the fuck up so I can sing my song. That's how people get killed!

–A train


We Love the Things We Wednesday for What They One-Liner

Meathead to another: I fuckin love cupcakes!

–4th St & st Ave

Guy to another, outside Irish bar: I love tools!

–20th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Andrew

Bag lady on cell: Hey baby, how ya doin? (pause) I love you baby, I love you so much I think about you always, I'm the only one for you, baby. (pause) When you get out of prison you come straight to me, I love you so much. (pause) What? Listen, motherfucker, if you go to that bitch instead of me, I'll cut off your fuckin head and shit down your neck, you fuckin asshole! If you even go near her I'll cut your fuckin brain out!

–107th St

Voluptuous black woman: I love you guys, but I'm done with this fucking field trip.

–Tribeca

Guy to two friends who are not convinced: That's why I love that place! It was awesome! And it would have been better if they would have let us in!

–Centre & Broome


Wednesday One-Liners Don't Even Want to Be “Normal”

3rd grader to another: Smoking is weird, but holding hands is fucking disturbing.

–Courtyard, New School

Hipster on cell: Whenever I play the piano I get this overwhelming feeling to go to sleep. It's weird. Happens most when I play Bach.

–Union Square

Girl to group of friends: Is it weird that I've had so many threesomes that it's normal to me now?

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Gay guy to group of friends at bar: It wasn't the peeing in his mouth, it was only the fact that I had to continue drinking water, and then it felt weird.

–Williamsburg

Long Island bro to others: Would you rather be raped by Count Chocula or the Lucky Charms guy, the leprechaun… I know that's a weird question. (awkward pause). Have you ever been tased?

–LIRR


You're Every Bit As Pretty As Jim Carrey, Sweetie

Girl to friend: God, look at the moon tonight. It's so bright, like even too bright.
Friend: Yeah, it really is.
Girl: I feel like I'm in The Truman Show. Am I Truman? You would tell, me wouldn't you?

–SoHo

Overheard by: Lisa