Wednesday One-Liners (And That's No Joke.)

Exasperated girl: You can't even joke about jumping anymore!

–NYU Palladium Residence Hall

Overheard by: Mickey

Teen girl about friend with butter-phobia: And then we got some on a spoon and started trying to touch her with it and she started screaming! Shit, it was so funny! It sounded like she was getting raped.

–Bx16 Bus

Overheard by: Lillian

Thug on cell: Yo, someone just fell down the subway! I know, right, that shit's funny.

–A Train

Man in hat to friends: Yo, I got a headache… I been laughing at people too hard, man.

–1 Train

Overheard by: usually laughs softly


It’s Like Jersey Got Rich and Took a Bath

Suit: It’s up in Connecticut, right over the river in Norwalk, I think.
Lady suit: Oh, I don’t that Connecticut, I only know Danbury.
Suit: Isn’t that in Connecticut?
Lady suit: I told you, I don’t know Connecticut. –Maiden Lane & South Street Yuppie guy: I don’t know, man. I’m still on Connecticut time. –W. 56th between 5th & 6th

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap.

–Metro-North Line

Overheard by: Jess

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

–Penn Station

Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan.

–D Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here!

–14th Street Station

MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out!

–MetroNorth Train

Overheard by: Kellin

Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day.

–A Train

Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times

Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can’t refill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!

–CVS/pharmacy

Overheard by: Amused customer in line