Archive for February, 2012

…”Bitch” It Is, Then.

Hipster baristo: What's your name? (takes out pen to write on cup)
Hipster customer: Mi-kay-ell-ay.
Hipster baristo: (stares)
Hipster customer: You're not going to try?
Hipster baristo: No.
Hipster customer: Michelle.
Hipster baristo: Oh.

–Coffee Shop, Metropolitan Avenue

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Tonight's Movie: The Island Of Dr. Moron

Israeli tourist, in Hebrew: Where's the Israeli street in Brooklyn?
Boss: I'm sorry, I don't know Brooklyn, I know Manhattan.
Israeli tourist, to friend: Do you wanna try going to Manhattan?

–23rd & 6th

Is This What's Known As Hitting the Books?

Lanky guy to dude dressed as Waldo: Hah, I found you!
Waldo guy: I found you.
(waldo guy pummels lanky guy with striped pillow)

–International Pillow Fight, Union Square

It's Almost Like Visitors to New York Don't Automatically Have a Photographic Memory Of the Map!

Woman #1: Wait, we're in Manhattan now?
Woman #2: Yes, we crossed the Harlem river.
Woman #1: But… We were in the Bronx. I didn't know Manhattan went up that far.
Woman #2: We were in the part of the Bronx that's next to Manhattan, not the part that's north of it.
Woman #1: So Harlem isn't in the Bronx?
Woman #2: That is correct. In fact, there are signs all over Harlem saying “Harlem: we're not in the Bronx.”
Woman #1: Really?
Woman #2: No. Most of us managed to figure it out for ourselves.

–207th St

Overheard by: Rose Fox

A Wednesday One-Liner Can Also Be Used As a Letter Opener

Man: So I'm not going to be like, "pens!" (in falsetto) "Yeah!". I'm going to be like, "pens!" (in operatic baritone) "Yeah!"

–96th & Broadway

Guy on phone: Just hit her on the head with, like, a spatula… or a frying pan.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jarred

Man standing on the street, mumbling: Dammit, spoon in your ass! (shouting) I was born with a spoon in my ass!

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Nora

Woman: All of these improvements are bad!

–Bowery Kitchen Supply, Chelsea Market

Pow, Alice, Right to the Wednesday One-Liners!

Guy on cell: Also, it's not for nothing, but I wouldn't hesitate to slap the shit out of her.

–28th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Nathan

Well-fed black women to boyfriend: I will smack the color right off your face!

–Carmine & Bedford

Mother to screaming children: My hand is itching for a date with your face!

–50th & Park Ave

Wannabe thug, to wannabe thug friend: I'll let you punch me in the stomach ten times if you let me punch you in the face once.

–48th & 9th

Overheard by: Didn't know there was an exchange rate…

Designer Wednesday One-Liners

Yuppie mom to daughter trying to pet duck: Melissa! The ducks don't want you touching their heads. Actually, as a rule of thumb, don't touch bird's heads, any heads… I don't want to get a complaint that you've been patting someone's head!

–Pond, Prospect Park

Yuppie clad in yoga outfit: Yeah, but here's the thing: I actually think coconut water tastes like shit.

–25th & Lexington

Overheard by: (me too, but I've never admitted it)

Yuppie girl: And I said to her, 'I'm not racist. My best friend is black.'

–110th & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: ROTIROLL

Yuppie guy: So I went back, but all there was was a door labeled "wc," and I assumed that meant women and children…

–Carmine St

Overheard by: Rose Fox