Archive for March, 2012

…Bitch.

Guy to another: What's up bitch, Marty, good morning!
Woman: That's not a nice way to say “good morning.”

–54th st & 7th Ave


Wednesday One-Liners Worship Q from Star Trek

Crazy 40-something subway preacher: Okay, listen up, girls. I am an earth angel and I am here to find all the other earth angels on this train so they can come and live with me in heaven. Now, the only people besides me who can be earth angels are beautiful women under the age of 24. I will sing a song to bring the holy spirit into all you angels. (breaks into song) Ohhhh, holy niiiiiight, the staaaars are brightly shiiiiining… (nobody moves) Damn, you girls are some secular angels, aren't you?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Subway platform preacher on box: Your soul is infected with death! Bill Gates's soul isn't infected with death. Just Bill Gates's body is infected with death.

–Fulton St. Station

Overheard by: CRL

Born-again Christian, preaching to entire platform: How do we know god exists? Just look at tornadoes. God created tornadoes because they're natural air conditioners.

–Times Square

Rambling ponytailed man: Boom, boom, boom, boom! The holy spirit! It's the bible! We met in the bible. (breaks into song) I can't help myseeelf, I want the holy ghost and no one eeelse! (back to speaking) How can god go all the way out there and create that? The holy spirit is a baby elephant. A baby female elephant!

–Starbucks, 67th & Columbus

Overheard by: muffin urchin


Wednesday Line-Drivers

Conductor, over PA: This is 173rd, next stop 168th… An, I toll you all tha de Yankees was gonna win! My trusty crystal ball nevah fails me. Now, for tamorrah's lottry numbahs… Woops! My crystal ball just fell an broke.

–A Train

Overheard by: amused subway rider

Doomsday proclaimers carrying signs: Evil is coming to this place. No more Chevrolet and apple pie. No more fuckin' Superbowl, man.

–Delancey & Ludlow

Overheard by: Jana

Teen girl: Is it true that all Jewish guys are Yankees fans and all ginger and Irish guys are Mets fans?

–Bard High School

Overheard by: KB

Teacher to students leaving class: Hey guys, check out my golf swing! (swings an imaginary golf club) I love golf.

–Bard High School Early College

Overheard by: r

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Yankee stadium. Please note, there are more stairs at the end of the platform. Again, if you are a Yankees fan, there are more stairs at the end of the platform, if you are a Red Sox fan, get back on the train I'm taking you home.

–4 Train


Wednesday-One-Linerlicious

Bro: Dude, I don't know what to do about Jersey. They're so out of touch…

–Southbound N Train

Loud coworker: And I was like, "oh my god, don't use lip liner or you'll look like one of those New Jersey bitches!"

–Union Square

Random woman: I don't want my kids to be from Jersey!

–41st & 6th

Overheard by: Fair Enough

Meathead, about Statue of Liberty: That green bitch looks better from Jersey.

–The Jewel Yacht, MC Chris Concert

Overheard by: MCC fan


Have You Heard He Also Masturbates Right Before Dates? Genius!

Queer bartender to queer waiter: Did you give Joe* that shot?
Queer waiter: No, he's too drunk. I'll give it to him later.
Queer customer: It's 10 o'clock!
Queer waiter: He comes in drunk.
Queer customer: Well, that's a real time saver…

–Uncle Charlie's

Overheard by: Scott


Use a Standard Ass Gauge

Student, about project: How big should I make it? I don't feel like making a big ass thing.
Teacher: No, no. I don't want a big ass thing. Just make is a small ass thing or a medium ass thing.

–Frank Sinatra School of the Arts


Hey, I Manscape!

Woman yelling from window to group of teenage skateboarders: Shut the fuck up!
Teen: Bitch, you wanna come down here and get your pussy wet?
Woman: Grow some fucking hair on your balls! Then we'll talk!

–49th St


Historically Why the Option Of Being a Slut Exists.

Private school girl #1: Do they have, like, a lawn sports league?
Private school girl #2: What?
Private school girl #1: We should start one. For girls who want to play sports, but don't want to actually run around.

–M96 Bus

Overheard by: Rory Minelor


…And Could You Deep Fry the Coffee?

Woman #1: Make sure they scoop out the center of my bagel. I'm on a diet, don't need all those carbs.
Woman #2: I didn't know they would do that.
Woman #1: Sure they will, and I want cream cheese and jelly on my bagel… Oh ya, and butter.
Woman #2: Do you want a coffee?
Woman #1: Please, and with three sugars.

–17th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Linda