Male cashier: You comin' this weekend?
Female cashier: Nooo! I can't cuz I gotta go with my girlfriend downtown, she's makin' me go with her to get her thingies pierced… You know, her ta tas.

–Key Food, Broadway & 187th St

Overheard by: Tom Collins

Preppy guy: How are you feeling now?
Preppy girl, with head in hands: Sigh. My right nostril is stuffed now. Can you help me?
Preppy guy, balling his hand into a fist and playfully punching girl's nose: Kapaiyow! Bing, bang, boom, biff, pow! (pause) Reaganomics!
(preppy girl looks up, her face beaming)

–Carmine & Bleeker

Man on cell: No, dude, girls who are on the pill have the best asses. I shit you not. I read it in some science article. It has to do with hormones or something.

–Mercer & W 4th

Cop to another: Imagine that, the captain accused of gravity!

–Bloomingdale's

Overheard by: Anne Sager

Professor: You don't actually have super-strong steel. It wasn't bit by a radioactive spider. Your calculation is wrong.

–Pratt Institute

Catholic high school girl to girlfriends: And on her bio essay she wrote, "water molecules are always breaking up and getting back together, like the guys on the Jersey Shore."

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: E.S.

Hipster: You just can't pretend you're asleep when someone sits on your dick.

–110th & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: Alvionne

Guy: Dude, I think I have mono… I slept like thirteen hours last night.

–Columbia

Man to two children he's leading by their hands: You went to bed late last night, so that's why the bogeyman gave your mother a black eye.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

40-something on cell: So I've been having a problem recently. I use my phone as my alarm clock and every single morning when it goes off I look at my phone and it says "snooze" or "dismiss," but because I'm half asleep I always think "snooze" is "snooki" and I get really confused. So every morning I stare at my phone, and I'm barely awake, and I think, "how are my options snooki or dismiss?" What's going on? And sometimes I actually hit dismiss because I figure "snooki" can't possibly be the right answer. I don't know what's going on with me, but I blame it entirely on you.

–Court & Street, Brooklyn

Female suit: I don't care how nice it glistens in the light, there's no way you're showing me your bodily secretions!

–Franklin St

Goth high schooler: I never spit on you like that.

–Outside Natural History Museum

Man on line, to no one in particular: It's so cold out, my nose is forming snotsicles.

–Starbucks, Park Ave & 29th St

Overheard by: Paula

40-something woman to another: I know he's not the most handsome man to come down the pike, but every time I see his dick my ass starts to water…

–Union Square

I felt like I slept with Godzilla or fucking King Kong, I'm not dealing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hell's Kitchen

Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I'm looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gandalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witchcraft. There are witches and warlocks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sonia

Hobo, to himself: It's not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train

Black girl, discussing first date with friend: He was so funny! Like, you know, white people, they don't be funny, but he was so funny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pretty blonde tourist: Marry me! I like white people too!

–Times Square

Girl outside liquor store: I'ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Overheard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian baby: You're going to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Fact!

Black guy getting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white people.

–4 Train

Overheard by: White Girl

College girl eying set of six multicolored vibrators: Man, I wish I had six friends to give this to!

–Sex Shop, SoHo

Overheard by: It's not what you think!

Older female suit on cell: Wish in one hand and piss in the other and see which hand fills up first!

–45th St & Lexington

Overheard by: isonomist

Obese black woman: I wish I had a British accent.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Black teenage girl to her friend: I wish I were Indian or Spanish or something! Or you know, like Italian…

–92nd St & 59th Ave

Loud older white lady: Tina, I just found out today: I have to get two rounds of chemo. I can't believe this … I wish I was dead. I have nothing in this life. Nothing! The way people have treated me, especially people in Soho, not coming to me for readings. The only person who I love is little Sylvan. She's the only one. I could be with her 24 hours a day. That's how much I love her. But I just wish I was dead! Dead! Okay, well, Tina, call me back.

–M21 Bus

Overheard by: Stephie

Conductor of very crowded train: If you stand between the doors, next to the signs that say "do not block the doors," you're probably stupid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: in my seat

Subway conductor, over PA, in thick Brooklyn accent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Sophia

MTA conductor, frustrated by passengers preventing doors from closing: Let the doors close, I don't tell you when to flip the burgers.

–Times Square Shuttle

Conductor, over the PA, exasperated: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can enter and exit the train. This isn't a bus with only one door. In order to keep the trains running in a timely fashion, please use all available doors. Thank you for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Train conductor, over PA: Hey, kemosabe, quit holding the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few seconds later) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!

–Downtown A Express Train

Overheard by: faith

Construction worker to another: You're already a pain in my balls! Imagine if you were foreman!

–Carmine St

Overheard by: Laura

Construction worker to another: So I chased it around, but then I got tired, so I just squished it.

–72nd & 3rd Ave

Construction worker catcalling tall blonde Barnard student: Hey nice girl! Hey! Hey nice girl!

–116th & Brodway

Construction worker, singing loudly: Oh, come all ye faithf… (notices girl with cigarette) Oh, yeah baby, smoke it! Smoke it like a chimney!

–Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: fetishgirl