Archive for March, 2012

Pretendsday One-Liners

I felt like I slept with Godzilla or fucking King Kong, I'm not dealing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hell's Kitchen

Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I'm looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gandalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witchcraft. There are witches and warlocks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sonia

Hobo, to himself: It's not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train


Wednesday One-Liners Sunburn in Lamplight

Black girl, discussing first date with friend: He was so funny! Like, you know, white people, they don't be funny, but he was so funny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pretty blonde tourist: Marry me! I like white people too!

–Times Square

Girl outside liquor store: I'ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Overheard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian baby: You're going to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Fact!

Black guy getting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white people.

–4 Train

Overheard by: White Girl


How Is a Wednesday One-Liner Like a Doorstop, Alex?

Conductor of very crowded train: If you stand between the doors, next to the signs that say "do not block the doors," you're probably stupid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: in my seat

Subway conductor, over PA, in thick Brooklyn accent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Sophia

MTA conductor, frustrated by passengers preventing doors from closing: Let the doors close, I don't tell you when to flip the burgers.

–Times Square Shuttle

Conductor, over the PA, exasperated: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can enter and exit the train. This isn't a bus with only one door. In order to keep the trains running in a timely fashion, please use all available doors. Thank you for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Train conductor, over PA: Hey, kemosabe, quit holding the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few seconds later) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!

–Downtown A Express Train

Overheard by: faith


Run for the Light, Wednesday One-Liners!

Old woman at diner: I told you how I want to die, right? At 90, in childbirth.

–Broadway & 14th, Astoria

Overheard by: Matt

Guy on bus: Mr Strauss, I'm sorry I can't make it in today, I have a family emergency, my wife's sister was murdered yesterday.

–M16 Bus

Film student: If you're gonna work in film, if you're gonna think about my mother dying, my grandmother in hospital, my father dying, no, fuck all that shit. You gotta focus, say this is all that matters right now.

–NY Film Academy Cafe

Overheard by: Katherine

Man on phone: Sometimes you just have to kill everyone and start over. (pause) Do it and call me back.

–28th Ave & Steinway St


Wednesday One-Liners for David Hasselhoff

20-something guy: I've been drinking for, what, seven hours now? (mumbles) Fuck this shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck the French consulate!

–F Train

Overheard by: Amy

Drunk 20-something on cell, after boyfriend steps away: He went for more beer.
3 16-ounce beers and a pretzel so far. Yeah, I have a buzz, ohmigod, it's way hot. Yes, he is… You know how I get with a beer buzz. Yes, I hope we leave soon. (pause) His place.
I hope he makes a pretzel out of me!

–Yankee Stadium

Very drunk woman slurring to red-headed guy and Indian guy she just met: Ginger and Indian! Ginger and Indian, come here!

–L Train

Overheard by: Alison R

Drunk guy walking into store to cashier: Excuse me ma'am, where is the duck tape? I have a bit of a situation…

–Home Store, Brooklyn


Waifsday One-Liners

Hot girl on cell: So she was all, "are there calories in conditioner? Cause, there's gotta be fat, right?" And I was all, "duh! That's why it says to leave it on for three minutes! So not too many calories sink into your head!"

–13th & 2nd

Girl drinking coke: No, starches is what makes you gain weight.

–B38 Bus

Ditzy girl to another: Oh my god, this always happens to me! I don't eat for a long time and then I get *really* hungry!

–Pizza Place

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I'm very hungry! I haven't eaten in 15 days! (pause) Just kidding!

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: EVan Gardner

20-something skinny girl: I'm on a diet. I had a breath of fresh air this morning. Now I'm full.

–48th St & 9th Ave


He's Back from Amsterdam?

Hip Asian NYU girl #1: This is like totally hitting my spot.
Hip Asian NYU girl #2: Oh my god, yeah!

–West Village Chipotle


In a Kids R' Us.

Conductor: Herald Square, the r train is across the platform.
Four-year-old-in-stroller: The r train!
Mom: Yep.
Four-year-old: The r train. The r train! We can take the r train to Kendall's house.
Mom: No, honey.
Four-year-old: Oh.
Mom: How do we get to Kendall's house?
Four-year-old: Oh. We take a taxi.
Mom: Yep.
Four-year-old: We take a taxi… Then an airplane.
Mom: Yep. Kendall lives in Austin, Texas.

–Q-train, 34th Street

Overheard by: Sarah Hammond


Psych!

Little brother: Look! There's the Empire State Building!
Older brother: And there's a Dunkin' Donuts!
Little brother: Ooohh! Where?

–M103 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha