Archive for March, 2012

Wednesday One-Liners for David Hasselhoff

20-something guy: I've been drinking for, what, seven hours now? (mumbles) Fuck this shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck the French consulate!

–F Train

Overheard by: Amy

Drunk 20-something on cell, after boyfriend steps away: He went for more beer.
3 16-ounce beers and a pretzel so far. Yeah, I have a buzz, ohmigod, it's way hot. Yes, he is… You know how I get with a beer buzz. Yes, I hope we leave soon. (pause) His place.
I hope he makes a pretzel out of me!

–Yankee Stadium

Very drunk woman slurring to red-headed guy and Indian guy she just met: Ginger and Indian! Ginger and Indian, come here!

–L Train

Overheard by: Alison R

Drunk guy walking into store to cashier: Excuse me ma'am, where is the duck tape? I have a bit of a situation…

–Home Store, Brooklyn


Waifsday One-Liners

Hot girl on cell: So she was all, "are there calories in conditioner? Cause, there's gotta be fat, right?" And I was all, "duh! That's why it says to leave it on for three minutes! So not too many calories sink into your head!"

–13th & 2nd

Girl drinking coke: No, starches is what makes you gain weight.

–B38 Bus

Ditzy girl to another: Oh my god, this always happens to me! I don't eat for a long time and then I get *really* hungry!

–Pizza Place

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I'm very hungry! I haven't eaten in 15 days! (pause) Just kidding!

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: EVan Gardner

20-something skinny girl: I'm on a diet. I had a breath of fresh air this morning. Now I'm full.

–48th St & 9th Ave


Wednesday One-Liners Run Into Carmen Sandiego

Tourist to wife: I just don't understand! Where are we?!

–Times Square

Panicking tourist to security guard: Where's Rockefeller Center? We're looking for Rockefeller Center.

–Lobby of One Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Cung

20-something girl to friend: We should learn to read maps. We live in New York City. It's so simple. We should learn to read maps.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Katherine

Man to woman, walking: It's Broadway and 6th, but I don't know where that is.

–Broadway & 6th


He's Back from Amsterdam?

Hip Asian NYU girl #1: This is like totally hitting my spot.
Hip Asian NYU girl #2: Oh my god, yeah!

–West Village Chipotle


In a Kids R' Us.

Conductor: Herald Square, the r train is across the platform.
Four-year-old-in-stroller: The r train!
Mom: Yep.
Four-year-old: The r train. The r train! We can take the r train to Kendall's house.
Mom: No, honey.
Four-year-old: Oh.
Mom: How do we get to Kendall's house?
Four-year-old: Oh. We take a taxi.
Mom: Yep.
Four-year-old: We take a taxi… Then an airplane.
Mom: Yep. Kendall lives in Austin, Texas.

–Q-train, 34th Street

Overheard by: Sarah Hammond


Psych!

Little brother: Look! There's the Empire State Building!
Older brother: And there's a Dunkin' Donuts!
Little brother: Ooohh! Where?

–M103 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha


Coincidence?

Teenager getting on b44: Look, there's another bus coming!
Older male relative: That's the q35!
Teenager: You're 35!

–Nostrand Ave.

Overheard by: Someone eating slim jims


The Unkindest Cutlet Of All

Dude trying to buy a deli sandwich: Yo, that chicken cutlet… Is that chicken or fish?
Deli guy: It's beef.
(really long pause)
Dude
: Is it chicken or fish?

Deli guy: What are smoking, man? What kind of question is that? It's a chicken cutlet.
(another long pause)
Dude
: Nah, for real. Is it chicken?

Deli guy: Yeah! It's chicken!
Dude: So, how come it looks like fish?
Deli guy: Because chickens lay eggs… And fish also lay eggs.
Dude: Alright.
(long pause, then dude looks for someone else in the back)
Dude
: What happened to my friend who works here?


–Broadway & 204th St