Archive for April, 2012

God Bless the USA

Nanny to little boy: So Matty, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Little boy: I want to be an astronaut, a pizza man, and sit on a bar stool like my daddy.

–Tin Tin's Laundromat

Typical New York Minute

Creeper to redhaired girl: Excuse me, do you have the time?
Reading redhead: 7:11.
Creeper: Like the store!
Redhead: Exactly.
Creeper: Will you go out with me?
Redhead: Um no, I'm good.
(a moment later)
: I'm sorry, I have a medical condition that causes me to forget things. What time did you say it was?

Redhead. It's now 7:12.
Creeper: 7:12! A minute later. Is a minute still 60 seconds? Are you sure you don't wanna go out with me?
Redhead: No.
Creeper: Typical New Yorker.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Faith

…It's Just That They Look Like Welding Goggles

Girl #1: Are those sunglasses?
Girl #2: It's sunny outside! You can wear sunglasses any time of the year, so long as the sun is out! Especially if you're like me and you have sensitive eyes!
Girl #1: Okay…


Your Editors Are Still Confused

Professor: Do you guys know about the homunculus? I'm getting old school!
Student: Are you talking about the homunculus in your brain?
Professor: No, I'm talking about the homunculus from mythology.
Student: Oh… Nevermind.


At That Point, Bruce Jenner Realized He Was Actually Awake.

Suit: I had a dream last night that I was in prison. And I was in my cell and these two inmates, big hulking inmates, came into my cell and closed the door. They were mad at me. They were going to (pause) mug me.
Attractive brunette: So this was a daydream?
Suit: No. A dream. And did I mention this was a women's prison?

–Gallagher's Bar

Mr. Benson Gave It Serious Consideration

Bag lady: You got 40 cents for a coffee? Come on, 40 cents.
Suit: I just left a bunch of boxes of girl scout cookies in front of the church on 43rd street, go have some.
Bag lady: Fuck you, why don't you go eat them with your nasty dick out!

–45th & 3rd

…I Am So Horny Right Now

Male student with can of ginger ale: Time to crack these nuts open.
(opens can in front of crotch. Foam and bubbles come out)
Male student
: Aww, shit.

–Bard High School Early College Queens

For the Win!

Girl #1: It's a great yoga class. They tell you how to place your hips…
Girl #2: Oh, that sounds nice… I did my studies on yoga in India…
Girl #3: (silence)


Overheard by: kat g