Archive for April, 2012

Your Editors Are Still Confused

Professor: Do you guys know about the homunculus? I'm getting old school!
Student: Are you talking about the homunculus in your brain?
Professor: No, I'm talking about the homunculus from mythology.
Student: Oh… Nevermind.


At That Point, Bruce Jenner Realized He Was Actually Awake.

Suit: I had a dream last night that I was in prison. And I was in my cell and these two inmates, big hulking inmates, came into my cell and closed the door. They were mad at me. They were going to (pause) mug me.
Attractive brunette: So this was a daydream?
Suit: No. A dream. And did I mention this was a women's prison?

–Gallagher's Bar

Mr. Benson Gave It Serious Consideration

Bag lady: You got 40 cents for a coffee? Come on, 40 cents.
Suit: I just left a bunch of boxes of girl scout cookies in front of the church on 43rd street, go have some.
Bag lady: Fuck you, why don't you go eat them with your nasty dick out!

–45th & 3rd


Little black boy, very definitively: Mommy, I like girls!
Mom: Girls? You're too young to like girls!
Little black boy: Well, I like them!
Mom: What kind of girls do you like?
Little black boy, without any hesitation: Oriental. Yellow girls.

–116th & 7th Ave

…I Am So Horny Right Now

Male student with can of ginger ale: Time to crack these nuts open.
(opens can in front of crotch. Foam and bubbles come out)
Male student
: Aww, shit.

–Bard High School Early College Queens

For the Win!

Girl #1: It's a great yoga class. They tell you how to place your hips…
Girl #2: Oh, that sounds nice… I did my studies on yoga in India…
Girl #3: (silence)


Overheard by: kat g

The Typical Teenage Dystopian Future

Youth #1: We should see Hunger Games!
Youth #2: Is it scary? I don't like scary.
Youth #1: No, it's about the the future.
Youth #2: Like 1984?
Youth #1: Yeah, but, like, in the future.

–Holland Tunnel

Overheard by: lolyutes

Remember Kathy Bates in About Schmidt?

Female partygoer: She had a lisp, she was fugly, she had a voice like a man, and she thought she was hot.
Male partygoer: That last part was strange.

–York Ave & 75th St

Overheard by: Bryan

When Thong Underwear Is Too Tight

Teen girl #1: Your IQ is like a… a… ten!
Teen girl #2, angrily: It's 150, you ass-cracker!

–Q Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle