Archive for May, 2012

Wait a Minute– I'm 20!

Mother to daughter: I haven't had sex since 1988!
Daughter, without pause or hesitation: Wow! Really, didn't need to know that, mom.
Waiter, walking by: Bwahaha!

–El Ay Si Restaurant, Long Island Coty


The Pope Has an Excellent Alibi

Teacher: Does anyone know what happened at Pentecost?
Kid: Yeah, it's when the Nazis killed the…
Teacher, very quickly: That was actually the Holocaust.

–Confirmation Class, Elmhurst


Twelve-Year-Olds Think They Know Everything

Middle aged lady #1: Who are you talkin about? That boy Michael?
middle aged lady #2 Yeah.
Middle aged lady #1
: He gives his kids liquor?

Middle aged lady #2: Yeah! And you can't say nothin bout it either, cuz if you do (puts her hand up in the air in exasperation) …you wrong!

–2 Train

Overheard by: Veronica


I May Be Too Focused on the Hole

Guy #1: Bagels, they can't last more than two days.
Guy #2: That's one more day than most of my relationships!

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Not-Susan


So Not First-Date Appropriate

Drunk white girl coming home from the bar: He pooped?
Drunk Asian girl: Yeah, he pooped… in his pants!
Drunk white girl: Why?
Drunk Asian girl: Because he's a weirdo.

–114th St & Broadway


…To Each Other…For My Pleasure…That's Feminism, Right?

Beatnik dude #1: You know what the those b, d, f, m trains stand for? It's “bondage,” “domination,” “feminism,” “masochism.”
Beatnik dude #2: “Feminism”?
Beatnik dude #1: Yeah, because I imagine it's all women doing it.

–1 Train


So It's, Like, the Internet?

Girl #1: What's Girls?
Girl #2: A terrible tv show on HBO.
Girl #1: Oh, it's bad?
Girl #2: I never saw it, but some of my friends have. They say it's just about a bunch of ugly girls having sex.

–Eugene O'Neill Theater

Overheard by: T


Some Tasteful and Understated Wednesday One-Liners.

Teenage girl: I taste like fish.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Murphy

Pants-less girl: I miss having taste buds.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Victoria

Young girl to young man: Have you ever tasted ass?

–42nd St & Vanderbilt Ave

Overheard by: mon

Guy: I don't have to taste it, I know it's gonna be bad! And I know that because you never ask me to taste anything good.

–St. Mark's Place


Wednesday One-Liners *Hic*

College girl to another: I knew you were drunk because every time you opened a beer can you said a Snapple fact.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Nicole

Mom with stroller to another: Am I the only one who thinks being a stay-at-home mom makes you a raging alcoholic? I mean… What else are you supposed to do with your time?

–Astoria

Overheard by: kfowler

White suit to black suit: So we're getting drunk at the wake, or what?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Old polish guy to another: You know what's good for you? If you drink vodka, but you don't drink it straight early in the morning. . .

–Greenpoint

Girl: I didn't know if we had the vibe, and I was too drunk…

–Broadway & 8th

Overheard by: non-gay NYU guy

Edison contractor to coworker: Johnny with the MTA? That fuck is drunk every night–and he works on the third rail!

–Jones & Bleecker

Overheard by: Sasha