Archive for May, 2012

Now Where Do Crackheads Figure Into This Schema?

Girl: I think I'm going to be a lumberjack tomorrow.
Friend: But then how will we tell you apart from the hipsters? I mean really, what's the difference between a lumberjack and a hipster?
Girl: One of them has a job.

–Citi Field


Or, You Know, Wherever

Guy, watching the Discovery shuttle making final flight: What's that? Two planes together?
Friend: The top one is the Challenger that went to the moon.

–Queens


Sorry– I'll Switch to Decaf

Employee #1: Allllllll niiiiiiiight loooooong. I'm gonna give it to ya, give it to ya, give it to ya, give it to ya…
Employee #2: Yo, shut up. This ain't no Puerto Rican idol.

–Starbucks


Hef's Parents Had a Similar Issue with Him.

Mother: Get your butt over here!
Little girl on leash: I am looking for the bunnies! (looks over a pile of large garbage bags)
Mother: You are fucking gettin' on my nerves!
Little girl on leash: (starts to rip open garbage on street)
Mother: (tugs leash and slaps daughter's hand and then begins pulling her daughter down the street)
Little girl on leash: Mom! I want to pet the bunnies!
Mother: I fucking told you already many times they bite and you will get diseases and rabies! You are so stuu-pidd.

–115th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Michael Bastianelli


Tonight on Iron Chef

Girl #1 to host: Can you change the tv to MSG?
Girl #2: MSG? Is that a channel?
Girl #3: Isn't that in Chinese food?

–51st & 2nd


Wednesday One-Liner Pong

Inebriated frat guy to another: No, you drunk asshole, it's the Mongolian bakery!

–Columbus & W 70th

Overheard by: JKK

Frat boy: I'm Brad Pitt's brother! Who do you think you're cutting corners with?

–Union Square

Bro, loudly: Beer pong is about drinking and winning.

–13th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Basket

Pre-teen to another: I was breastfed by a fat boy!

–Union Square


Wednesday One-Liners Are So Hot Right Now.

20-something guy to 20-something girl next to him on subway: Excuse me, but I just had to tell you that you're the hottest chick I've seen all day. No, actually week. Maybe even month. No, wait, there was that blonde at Equinox. Yeah, you're the hottest this week.

–C Train

Overheard by: Grace Gold

Girl on cell: He just was like "lara blah blah blah, you're hot!" and I'm like "shut the fuck up!"

–84th & 2nd

Suit, loudly into cell: Karen, this is the story of my life. I give a hot offer and I get a ho-hum response.

–Behind Barnard College, Claremont Ave

Cute 20-something on phone: No! I only fuck him because he's here and you're in fucking California. If you were in the city I'd be fucking you and not him! (pause) No! I don't care that he's your best friend! He's hot!

–East Village


Big, Wet, Open-Mouthed Wednesday One-Liners

Hot girl to male friend: If I have free time, I'm going to spend it with my daughter or my friends, who I already know, already trust and already made out with.

–7th St & 2nd Ave

Girl: I got Sweeney Todd! I feel like making out with some guy right now! I don't even care who he is!

–41st & 7th

Overheard by: Jon Clarke

Teen girl to another in nail salon: He knows me so well… He stayed at my house all week. We almost hooked up!

–E 79th St

Overheard by: Carrie

Freshman girl, trying to impress older, more cultured girl: I'm very multicultural when it comes to hooking up with people. I mean, I like to try different things, and everyone has something different to offer.

–Brooklyn College

Guy, as his face hovers an inch away from girl's: There's something about the arts–makes me wanna make out.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rachel