Archive for May, 2012

Tonight on Iron Chef

Girl #1 to host: Can you change the tv to MSG?
Girl #2: MSG? Is that a channel?
Girl #3: Isn't that in Chinese food?

–51st & 2nd


Hence the Zagreb Sauce

Man: So did you like your lobster?
Woman: Yeah. It was like eating a really big shrimp.
Man: Mmm-hmm.
Woman: I mean, they're basically the same animal, a lobster and a shrimp.
Man: Well, yeah. A shrimp, a lobster, a crab– they're the same family. Croatians.

–Chelsea Market

Overheard by: R.B.


Wednesday One-Liner Pong

Inebriated frat guy to another: No, you drunk asshole, it's the Mongolian bakery!

–Columbus & W 70th

Overheard by: JKK

Frat boy: I'm Brad Pitt's brother! Who do you think you're cutting corners with?

–Union Square

Bro, loudly: Beer pong is about drinking and winning.

–13th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Basket

Pre-teen to another: I was breastfed by a fat boy!

–Union Square


Wednesday One-Liners Are So Hot Right Now.

20-something guy to 20-something girl next to him on subway: Excuse me, but I just had to tell you that you're the hottest chick I've seen all day. No, actually week. Maybe even month. No, wait, there was that blonde at Equinox. Yeah, you're the hottest this week.

–C Train

Overheard by: Grace Gold

Girl on cell: He just was like "lara blah blah blah, you're hot!" and I'm like "shut the fuck up!"

–84th & 2nd

Suit, loudly into cell: Karen, this is the story of my life. I give a hot offer and I get a ho-hum response.

–Behind Barnard College, Claremont Ave

Cute 20-something on phone: No! I only fuck him because he's here and you're in fucking California. If you were in the city I'd be fucking you and not him! (pause) No! I don't care that he's your best friend! He's hot!

–East Village


Big, Wet, Open-Mouthed Wednesday One-Liners

Hot girl to male friend: If I have free time, I'm going to spend it with my daughter or my friends, who I already know, already trust and already made out with.

–7th St & 2nd Ave

Girl: I got Sweeney Todd! I feel like making out with some guy right now! I don't even care who he is!

–41st & 7th

Overheard by: Jon Clarke

Teen girl to another in nail salon: He knows me so well… He stayed at my house all week. We almost hooked up!

–E 79th St

Overheard by: Carrie

Freshman girl, trying to impress older, more cultured girl: I'm very multicultural when it comes to hooking up with people. I mean, I like to try different things, and everyone has something different to offer.

–Brooklyn College

Guy, as his face hovers an inch away from girl's: There's something about the arts–makes me wanna make out.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Rachel


Wednesday One-Liners Write Off Anal-Bleaching As a Work Expense

Blonde girl to guy friend: I've never done real porn before. What's it like?

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Loud, long-haired, seemingly-straight white guy: So I wanna do a promo for the "hard-on" part!

–15th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Flyin' Thing

Sorostitute at nearby table: So I said, 'if there's gonna be sex, take out the camera.'

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Man, coming out of Peep World: Blu-Ray would of course make the money shot better… Not that I would know.

–33rd St

Overheard by: Deep Tech


Wednesday One-Liners Are Drawn Together

Girl walking out of tattoo parlor: So… Now I have a shamrock on my vagina.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Alex S.

Man to friend by Rockefeller Christmas tree: I wanted to cover up the Marilyn Monroe tattoo with a tree, but now I'm against trees.

–Rockefeller Center

Blonde on phone: Okay so this guy showed me this dog standing up on his chest… It was a tattoo… But it was only half its body and he asked if I wanted to see its tail wag and I was like "no." (pause) Judy, if the man has a tail I don't wanna see it, especially since a tail is above the butt, and people shouldn't have tails!

–Times Square

Teenage girl to another: I can't decide, Starbucks or a tattoo.

–E 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Yelena


Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for School

English teacher, seeing colleague with baseball bat over shoulder: It's time for corporal punishment!

–English Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

History teacher: Sometimes this class just makes me want a cigarette and a stiff drink. Too bad I don't smoke anymore. Well, cigarettes, at least.

–Hunter College High School

History teacher: Zinn's lens is very very dark… Much like Nicole Richie's sunglasses.

–Millennium High School

English teacher: There's a very thin line between orgasms and spiritual revelation.

–Hunter College High School

Teacher: Any more questions? (pause) Let's talk about terrorists.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer