Archive for May, 2012

Wednesday One-Liners Write Off Anal-Bleaching As a Work Expense

Blonde girl to guy friend: I've never done real porn before. What's it like?

–Fordham University Lincoln Center

Loud, long-haired, seemingly-straight white guy: So I wanna do a promo for the "hard-on" part!

–15th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Flyin' Thing

Sorostitute at nearby table: So I said, 'if there's gonna be sex, take out the camera.'

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Man, coming out of Peep World: Blu-Ray would of course make the money shot better… Not that I would know.

–33rd St

Overheard by: Deep Tech


Wednesday One-Liners Are Drawn Together

Girl walking out of tattoo parlor: So… Now I have a shamrock on my vagina.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Alex S.

Man to friend by Rockefeller Christmas tree: I wanted to cover up the Marilyn Monroe tattoo with a tree, but now I'm against trees.

–Rockefeller Center

Blonde on phone: Okay so this guy showed me this dog standing up on his chest… It was a tattoo… But it was only half its body and he asked if I wanted to see its tail wag and I was like "no." (pause) Judy, if the man has a tail I don't wanna see it, especially since a tail is above the butt, and people shouldn't have tails!

–Times Square

Teenage girl to another: I can't decide, Starbucks or a tattoo.

–E 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Yelena


Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for School

English teacher, seeing colleague with baseball bat over shoulder: It's time for corporal punishment!

–English Class, Bronx HS of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

History teacher: Sometimes this class just makes me want a cigarette and a stiff drink. Too bad I don't smoke anymore. Well, cigarettes, at least.

–Hunter College High School

History teacher: Zinn's lens is very very dark… Much like Nicole Richie's sunglasses.

–Millennium High School

English teacher: There's a very thin line between orgasms and spiritual revelation.

–Hunter College High School

Teacher: Any more questions? (pause) Let's talk about terrorists.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: urbanadventurer


Wednesday One-Liners Are Kind Of a Big Deal.

Hot 20-something girl on cell: Does it mean that I'm less of a person because I have a smaller crotch?

–Starbucks

Woman at coat check in hair salon: Do you have another hanger? I don't like this one, it's too big.

–49th St & Madison Ave

Drunk guy: Next stop, Mineola. All large and regularly sized olas, please get off at mineola.

–LIRR

Overheard by: VV

Crazy Jamaican guy, shouting: Everywhere I go, I see big men. Big men, wearing big suits. Big men, big suits. What do they know? They don't know god!

–District Court, Hempstead

Overheard by: Big Larry


Wednesday One-Liners Are Kind Of a Big Deal.

Hot 20-something girl on cell: Does it mean that I'm less of a person because I have a smaller crotch?

–Starbucks

Woman at coat check in hair salon: Do you have another hanger? I don't like this one, it's too big.

–49th St & Madison Ave

Drunk guy: Next stop, Mineola. All large and regularly sized olas, please get off at mineola.

–LIRR

Overheard by: VV

Crazy Jamaican guy, shouting: Everywhere I go, I see big men. Big men, wearing big suits. Big men, big suits. What do they know? They don't know god!

–District Court, Hempstead

Overheard by: Big Larry


Chili's Wednesday One-Linerback Ribs

Loud black lady on cell: How bout that time I drive by your house, call you up and ask where you at? You say you in a cab, I see you sitting there with your baby's mama, what up with that!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Julie Paulie

Comedy show flyer guy: No I am not Puerto Rican! I am not wearing a flag or a baby!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Amused Passer-by

Drunk white chick: But I don't want my eggs to be babies. I want ten I be experimented on!

–Midtown Bar

Black woman to another: Cause you know: there's always that one black baby in like every ten black babies that just looks like an alien, like 'what happened to you?'

–25th & 7th

Overheard by: Andrea


Eat. Pray. Wednesday-One-Liner.

Burly black man: I'm just not a flirty person.

–10th St & 4th Ave

Odd woman consoling her friend: You see, he could be a diamond, but he chooses to be coal! And here you are, sparkling!

–6 Train

Woman on cell: So I says to him, 'that Sue* is a good woman! You want to make her your shorty? You better get your shit together and approach her the right way!'

–14th & 7th

Straight white male on cell: I want to punish her for making me feel insecure.

–8th Ave & 19th St

Overheard by: Lisa Levy


Wednesday Weight-Losers

Girlfriend to boyfriend: If we got married, do you think everyone in our lives would loose weight for the wedding?

–4 Train

Teen girl to friend: It's like anorexia but… spiritual.

–34th & 7th

Girl to friend: I'm paying you to tell me to gain weight so you can suck it out of me?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Fat Boy Slim

8-year-old boy: Mom, can I take off this coat? It makes me look fat.

–120th st & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: Carol


Wednesday One-Liners Bring Back the Side Pony

Blond-haired, blue-eyed six-year-old girl with mom to rasta: Are those ponytails in your hair?

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Casey

Guy with enormous ginger afro: The hair thing is very weird; I feel like everyone is staring at me…

–Bowery & 4th St

Overheard by: RED

Girl on cell, probably speaking to another girl: And she wants straight bangs, like the ones I've had for years, and she thinks it'll look good on her?

–14th & 4th Ave

Overheard by: Boblrider

Boy at bar watching Patriots Game: I love Tom Brady. His hair makes me want to be a better man.

–Brass Monkey

Overheard by: Miss Marisol


Wednesday One-Liners for Keanu Reeves

Older man to wife, in front of freezer: "Slow churned" What does that mean? They could put anything in there–how do you know he's really churning it slow?

–Key Foods, Whitestone

Man with Russian accent: You are slow like turtle… but in the head.

–95th & 3rd

Overheard by: tom

Four-year-old boy, throwing tantrum while getting onto train: But I wanna take the r train! I wanna take the r train! The q is too slow! I don't like getting off at 7th Avenue! I wanna take the r train!

–B Train

Overheard by: I don't like the B and the Q either

Pilot, as plane is about to take off: Hold on everyone, I'm about to go reallllly fast!

–Plane Leaving JFK