Archive for August, 2012

…Like Everybody Else

Well dressed young African American man: Which ones do you like?
Girlfriend: I don't know man, I just want to stand out tonight.

–Topman, Soho

“Will Work for Wednesday One-Liner”

Bag lady asking for change to kind person who gave: Thank you! Can I ask–do these headphones make me look rich? Cause I need my music when I'm out here.

–23rd St & 9th Ave

Aggressive panhandler to passing bald guy: Hey, Kojak! Help me out here! Who loves ya, baby!

–5th Ave & 12th St

Overheard by: Richard Nixon

Drunk hobo arguing with another: I'm done talking to you. I can have a better conversation with the door. It just goes bing-bong.

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: Amanda White

Hobo to suit: Look at you, playing with yourself! That is gross, you are disgusting… You can't fight, you can't dance, and you can't fuck!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: scotty 2

Hobo to college students entering college: Don't go to class! Smoke crack, like me!

–Hunter College Lex Entrance

“I” Before “E,” Except After Wednesday One-Liners

Angry grammarless woman: Tell it on my face!

–Lexington & 65th

Overheard by: Laura

Finnair pilot: Dear passengers, this is your pilot speaking. I want to let you know that we are going to be taking an alternate route today for our direct flight to Finland. We will be flying over central Greenland to avoid the cloud of Icelandic ass.

–Tarmac JFK Airport

Overheard by: Eric Aho

Stegosaurus-haired boy on phone: Yeah it's on, uh, Bowie and Hewston.

–Whole Foods, Bowery

Ditzy bridge-and-tunnel girl picking up another one's trash: I should win the good sumarian award for this.

–Penn Station

Girl on cell: She stupid, I'll just get my GED!

–31st St

Who You Callin' “Wednesday One-Liner”?

Thug to friend: Mr. Bean? Yo, he's my 'nigga!

–Times Square

Guy on cell: You a soup eatin', bowl lovin', country-ass nigga!

–B42 Bus

Overheard by: focused

Thug yelling on cell: Yo nigga, ya don't know what the fuck you talkin' bout. Cain killed Able!

–A Train

White kid in yellow shirt, walking into room with other white guys: What's up, my niggas?
(notices the one black guy on the couch) Oh, shit!

–114th St & Broadway

Don't Step in the Wednesday One-Liners

College dude to friend: And then the shit gets stuck to the head of your penis…

–Brooklyn College

Overheard by: It's Too Early For This

Guy to passive dude handing out postcards: Like I really give a shit 'bout your fucking shit.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Natalie

Female tourist to boyfriend: These sandwiches would be good if they didn't have all this shit on them.

–Pret A Manger Sandwich Shop, Broadway

Asian chick: Same shit, different toilet.

–W 18th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Alex M.

Dude: Trust me, guy, once you shit yourself in front of your girl, the relationship changes.

–F Train

Overheard by: Fact.

Wednesday Even One-Liners While Driving.

Man on cell: I know, dude, I don't know why she's so pissed… I mean, I text her that I love her every once in a while.

–59th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Megs

Guy to another in line for bathroom: I only have two problems in life: delayed text messages and premature ejaculation. But if I call Verizon, they can only fix one of those.

–Phoebe's Bar

Teenage girl to another: I would have spelled out "handjob," but the text would have been too long, so I went with "hj."

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

20-something woman on cell: He texted her "shabbot shalom." So I called Moishe and I told him that he can't be texting a fourteen-year-old girl!

–New York Sports Club, 62nd & Broadway

Woman to another, standing at bathroom sink: He acts really gay, but he sends me really straight text messages.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: He's Gonna Break Your Heart

Lick My Wednesday One-Liner, Bitch!

20-something hot girl to another: Well, if there was Kool-Aid on your butt, wouldn't you lick it?

–42nd & Broadway

Drunk girl: I would totally lick that off the table if I was more drunker.

–71st & 1st

Man on cell: I don't speak fucking German. I put my tongue in butts. I lick fucking clitorises.

–135th & Malcolm X

Mom to misbehaving son: You are not to lick your brother's tongue. You are not to lick your brother's face. I will leave you on the train tracks and you can find your way to the zoo yourself. Now, get it together.

–F Train

Wednesday Vaginers

30-something woman on cell: I think we should definitely start with the fake vagina, then bring in the mysterious element.

–6th Ave & Minetta

Brunette skipping down street: I don't have any twat waffles!

–Broadway 38th & 39th

Dude: To be fair, a small boy anus is almost certainly tighter than Rosie Perez's cooch.


Overheard by: Ladle

Tall woman to friend: It's like a Brita filter for vagina juices.

–Lower East Side

Wednesday XXLiners

20-something metrosexual to another: "Cankles" are calf-ankles and "fankles" are fat ankles. Regardless, you wouldn't want either.

–67th St & Lexington Avenue

Overheard by: E.S.

Girl in hallway: That's the I-look-too-fat-to-wear-anything-else outfit.


Overheard by: Alex

Hipster to friend: I'm resting it on my fat roll!

–Upper East Side

Girl on cell: What I don't understand is: dad is 300 pounds overweight, so why the fuck do we need food stamps?


Just When I Thought History Class Had Gotten Fun!

Boy #1: Since when does LBJ stand for “Lyndon B Johnson”?
Boy #2: (blank expression)
Boy #1: I googled LBJ and the first link was Lyndon B Johnson, and the guy has nothing to do with basketball!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Freedom