Archive for August, 2012

Wednesday Even One-Liners While Driving.

Man on cell: I know, dude, I don't know why she's so pissed… I mean, I text her that I love her every once in a while. –59th St & Madison Ave Overheard by: Megs Guy to another in line for bathroom: I only have two problems in life: delayed text messages and premature ejaculation. But if I call Verizon, they can only fix one of those. –Phoebe's Bar Teenage girl to another: I would have spelled out "handjob," but the text would have been too long, so I went with "hj." –Park Slope, Brooklyn 20-something woman on cell: He texted her "shabbot shalom." So I called Moishe and I told him that he can't be texting a fourteen-year-old girl! –New York Sports Club, 62nd & Broadway Woman to another, standing at bathroom sink: He acts really gay, but he sends me really straight text messages. –Columbia University Overheard by: He's Gonna Break Your Heart

Lick My Wednesday One-Liner, Bitch!

20-something hot girl to another: Well, if there was Kool-Aid on your butt, wouldn't you lick it? –42nd & Broadway Drunk girl: I would totally lick that off the table if I was more drunker. –71st & 1st Man on cell: I don't speak fucking German. I put my tongue in butts. I lick fucking clitorises. –135th & Malcolm X Mom to misbehaving son: You are not to lick your brother's tongue. You are not to lick your brother's face. I will leave you on the train tracks and you can find your way to the zoo yourself. Now, get it together. –F Train

Wednesday Vaginers

30-something woman on cell: I think we should definitely start with the fake vagina, then bring in the mysterious element. –6th Ave & Minetta Brunette skipping down street: I don't have any twat waffles! –Broadway 38th & 39th Dude: To be fair, a small boy anus is almost certainly tighter than Rosie Perez's cooch. –Brooklyn Overheard by: Ladle Tall woman to friend: It's like a Brita filter for vagina juices. –Lower East Side

Wednesday XXLiners

20-something metrosexual to another: "Cankles" are calf-ankles and "fankles" are fat ankles. Regardless, you wouldn't want either. –67th St & Lexington Avenue Overheard by: E.S. Girl in hallway: That's the I-look-too-fat-to-wear-anything-else outfit. –NYU Overheard by: Alex Hipster to friend: I'm resting it on my fat roll! –Upper East Side Girl on cell: What I don't understand is: dad is 300 pounds overweight, so why the fuck do we need food stamps? –Chinatown

Just When I Thought History Class Had Gotten Fun!

Boy #1: Since when does LBJ stand for “Lyndon B Johnson”?
Boy #2: (blank expression)
Boy #1: I googled LBJ and the first link was Lyndon B Johnson, and the guy has nothing to do with basketball! –Union Square Overheard by: Freedom

Aww, That's So Sweet!

Gay dude #1: I think if someone writes “nice guy here” in the “about me” section of his profile it really means “will rape and cut you up in bits”. I could be wrong.
Gay dude #2: Yeah, I can't prove it scientifically but that has been my experience. Every time I've been raped and cut up it was by a “nice guy”. –East 6th & 3rd Ave

Too Soon? (Answer: YES.)

Suit #1: Have you seen The Dark Knight Rises yet?
Suit #2: No. It's too early to see it. It's too damn crowded right now.
Suit #1: Dude, you have got to see it!
Suit #2: I will see it. I'm just waiting for the crowds to die down–then I'll give it a shot.
Suit #1: You'd better shut up dude, you might get arrested! –Water St Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer