Archive for September, 2012

Wednesday One-Liners Are Much Ado About Nuttin'

High school kid: So wait, his balls had asthma?

–Downtown B Train

Man on cell: I know what your life's like now. Out in the world. On tour. You got life by the balls.

–Pommes Frites

Guy in front of bar: I taped this joint to my balls; who wants a toke?

–MacDougal & 8th

20-something classy girl to friend: Well, he was leaning over me, teasing me with his balls… So… I just flicked them! He got so mad!

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Tall Mocha Frap

These Days He Sells Mortgage-Backed Securities

Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Do you know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, I bought heroin from him once a long time ago.
Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Oh, so you do know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, but I don't think he likes me; I didnt have enough money for it so I just gave him what I had, and never called again.

–1st '& 1st

…By Show Of Hands?

Woman begging: Spare some change? Anyone spare some change? Can I have the rest of your drink?
Woman sitting on platform bench: I'm not giving you my fucking drink!
Woman begging: Eat me!
Woman sitting on platform bench: Who the fuck would want to eat your pussy?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Scott

Some Couples Should Fly Separately

Wife, in worried tone: What's wrong? What are you doing?
Husband, rooting through bag: Relax, I'm looking for change, I want a bag of chips.
Wife: Oh, I want chips, I'll go with you and pick them out. I want to stare at the wall of snacks.
Husband: There is no wall of snacks, only a vending machine. I'll get you chips.
Wife: Okay, and maybe a brownie.
Husband: I don't have enough, I'm getting a drink, chips are salty.
Wife: You can eat chips, then the brownie, no more thirst!
Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: Actually, I want ice cream.
Husband: There is no ice cream, only overpriced gelatto.

–JFK Terminal

Overheard by: rick

Kid Must Not Be from New Jersey

Conductor to young boy knocking on bathroom door: If it's locked, it means someone's in there and if no one's in there, it's probably better not to go in.
Fellow passenger: Yeah, mucho stinko!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Jarett

I Assumed It Was Just a Pet Name for His Penis?

Girl to boyfriend, both watching laptop: Why did he call himself Heisenberg again?
Boyfriend: The uncertainty principle?
Girlfriend, hesitant: Oh. Wait… what?
Boyfriend: (silence)

–JFK Terminal

Overheard by: rick

Hey, She Loved That Stupid Movie

Teen Girl #1: I just hate how this book is so cliche.
Teen Girl #2: Yeah, I know what you mean.
Teen Girl #1: Hey, Chloe might like this. Do you think she'd read it?

–Battery Park City

Overheard by: Lala

…I'm Not Homeless!

Drunk, upset girl to ambulance crew: A homeless man bit me.
Drunk boy passing by: What the fuck?

–113th & Broadway