Archive for September, 2012

Wednesday One-Liners Are Much Ado About Nuttin'

High school kid: So wait, his balls had asthma?

–Downtown B Train

Man on cell: I know what your life's like now. Out in the world. On tour. You got life by the balls.

–Pommes Frites

Guy in front of bar: I taped this joint to my balls; who wants a toke?

–MacDougal & 8th

20-something classy girl to friend: Well, he was leaning over me, teasing me with his balls… So… I just flicked them! He got so mad!

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Tall Mocha Frap


A Wednesday One-Liner a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Guy on cell: So she doesn't have a urinary tract infection? Fantastic.

–JFK Airport

Woman to elderly man she's been following: Why did you cough at me when you walked by? Why? Why? Why you do that to me? Why did you cough at me when you walked by? Tell me why? Why?! I should have You Tubed it! Smh!

–Flushing

Overheard by: Maria

Guy in line on cell: Yeah, I'm comin back from the doctor's office, I may have to get surgery, they are still trying to figure out if I have cancer in my nuts.

–Deli near Park & 28th

Tranny on cell: Yeah, my hormones make my stomach hurt.

–Woodside, Queens

Coffee cart guy, arguing with female customer: You can't do four sugars! Four sugars is diabetes!

–Union Square

Overheard by: No sugar


These Days He Sells Mortgage-Backed Securities

Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Do you know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, I bought heroin from him once a long time ago.
Well-dressed middle aged woman #1: Oh, so you do know him?
Well-dressed middle aged woman #2: Yeah, but I don't think he likes me; I didnt have enough money for it so I just gave him what I had, and never called again.

–1st '& 1st


…By Show Of Hands?

Woman begging: Spare some change? Anyone spare some change? Can I have the rest of your drink?
Woman sitting on platform bench: I'm not giving you my fucking drink!
Woman begging: Eat me!
Woman sitting on platform bench: Who the fuck would want to eat your pussy?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Scott


Some Couples Should Fly Separately

Wife, in worried tone: What's wrong? What are you doing?
Husband, rooting through bag: Relax, I'm looking for change, I want a bag of chips.
Wife: Oh, I want chips, I'll go with you and pick them out. I want to stare at the wall of snacks.
Husband: There is no wall of snacks, only a vending machine. I'll get you chips.
Wife: Okay, and maybe a brownie.
Husband: I don't have enough, I'm getting a drink, chips are salty.
Wife: You can eat chips, then the brownie, no more thirst!
Husband: What do you want to drink?
Wife: Actually, I want ice cream.
Husband: There is no ice cream, only overpriced gelatto.

–JFK Terminal

Overheard by: rick


Kid Must Not Be from New Jersey

Conductor to young boy knocking on bathroom door: If it's locked, it means someone's in there and if no one's in there, it's probably better not to go in.
Fellow passenger: Yeah, mucho stinko!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Jarett


Why Is That Your Default Answer to Everything?

Girl: No, you cannot watch me practice.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: Because I'll be miserable and hate everything.
Guy: But what if I get pleasure from that?
Girl: Then I sock you in the eye.
Guy: And what if I get pleasure from that?
Girl: Then I get out my bitch boots, you get out your gimp mask, someone gets a camera rolling and things get sexy.

–Silver Center, NYU

Overheard by: they must have quite a sex life


I Assumed It Was Just a Pet Name for His Penis?

Girl to boyfriend, both watching laptop: Why did he call himself Heisenberg again?
Boyfriend: The uncertainty principle?
Girlfriend, hesitant: Oh. Wait… what?
Boyfriend: (silence)

–JFK Terminal

Overheard by: rick