Archive for October, 2012

What With the Mysophobia

Construction worker #1: Oh, my god. Is that him?
Construction worker #2: I don't think so.
Construction worker #1, excited: I think it is! I think it is!
Construction worker #2: No way.
Construction worker #1, yelling: Yo, Howie! (to his buddy) Did he look?
Construction worker #2: Dude, Howie Mandel is not going to be walking around midtown Manhattan.

–Carnegie Hall


…First Time I've Heard That, Hon

Waitress, pouring beer to guy: Is that too much head for you, sir?
Guy, grinning lecherously: No, I can never get enough!
Waitress: Oh my.

–Diner, Midtown


Wednesday One-Liners Get Lost in Translation

30-something suit on cell: Uh-uh… see, I'm gonna sue his ass for defecation of character. That's defecation of character right there.

–Flatbush & Dekalb Ave

Overheard by: Elisse

Thug on cell: I'm mean, it was all of that, depending on how you, um, ya know, use these English words. (pause) I mean, shit…

–17th & 2nd

Overheard by: rick

Kid to friends, seeing Mercedes roadster: Man, look at its exhaustion pipes!

–Jewel Ave & Main St

Overheard by: BobsBigBoys

Thugette on cell: I'm sorry. If I'da knowed, you'da wanna went. I'da seed you'da gotta get to go.

–Off-Track Betting

Overheard by: johnny

Man to another in the park: You got a memory like a… fuhgetaboutit.

–Greenmarket, Union Square

Overheard by: Eric Arevalo


Wednesday's One-Liners Refuse to Heal

Thug tween in pj pants: My wound isn't open. I checked in the bathroom.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: This Is Our Youth

Eccentric man, offering crusty napkin to sneezing female suit: Here, it's barely used.

–Crosstown Bus

Stoner to female friend: Before you clip your fingernails, make sure your nose is clear of boogers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Patrick

Rich lady to rich friend: But then I checked, and it wasn't oozing, and so I figured what the hell, you know?

–31st & 3rd

Overheard by: Perversely curious


If You Prick a Wednesday, Does He Not One-Liner?

Flamboyant male receptionist on front-desk phone: You can drink my blood, but don't you drink anybody's spit!

–W 40th St

NYPD officer to drunk: Sir, the more you move, the more you are going to bleed, and to the more you are going to want to pass out.

–62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Andrew Bennett

Suit to hobo: I'm sorry but I can't share a cab with you. Your eyes are bleeding.

–Spring St & Greene

Overheard by: hngryDavy

Vendor to another: I've only washed blood off money once. And I was on so many drugs, and in such a rush…

–Greenmarket, Union Square

Overheard by: Peter Kaufman


Wednesday, the Northernmost One-Liner

40-something UWS mom to six-year-old girl: C'mon, honey, we have to get off here… or else we'll end up in The Bronx. (quietly)I hate it when that happens.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Mader

30-something hipster to another: You know what I love about The Bronx? 18-year-old MILFs.

–Union Square

Thug to friend: The army is like The Bronx of the military, and the marines are like Manhattan.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Vas

Mom carrying lots of bags, with four year old in tow, looking exasperated: Jayden, it's too cold out to carry a turtle from Manhattan to The Bronx!

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Meredith


All Hail Wednesday One-Liners.

Guy on cell: 150 cabs wouldn't start this morning. They all had bananas stuck in the back of 'em!

–Cooper Square

Overheard by: Kay

Tourist woman trying to hail a cab: Excuse me. I was here first, and have been trying to get a cab for at least ten minutes. Please go somewhere else. It's only polite.

–Broadway & Houston

Overheard by: office peon

Lady on phone: So there we were in the cab when she just vomited all over the place. I mean it was all over the door, all over the seat, all over everything. So the cabbie, he slams on the brakes and he gets right out. And I'm thinking okay, he's gonna put us out. I don't know where in the hell we are and its four in the morning… And Krystal, she just says to him, after vomiting all over the back of his cab, "I told you to get us there fast!"

–Bolt Bus

Middle aged woman to cabbie who just bumped her with the car: You should not hit people.

–34th & 5th

Overheard by: Duh


Wednesday One-Liners Are Huge in Japan.

Old man: My wife is 389 pounds. And that's on the weekend. This woman tried to eat 37 hamburgers and a Diet Coke.

–A Train

Overheard by: CAC Baby from the Glebe

Guy to friends, watching half-dressed chubby girl walk by: I like my brown sugar oatmeal lumpy… Like that… Dammmmmn!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Charlotte

Mother to teen daughter: I was surprised that there were not more overweight people at the chocolate show.

–50th St

College girl to another: That was the first time I slept with a 300 lb Russian man.

–7th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Jake Fogelnest

Cashier to another: Naw, girl, not fat Rochelle… fat *Tiffany*!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle


“Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall, Who's the Wednesday One-Linerest Of Them All?”

Woman to man behind deli counter: And please don't make my sandwich skinny. As you can see, I'm a voluptuous woman.

–Deli, East Flatbush

Overheard by: Just on my lunch break…

Tall, skinny employee to gaggle of tall, skinny coworkers: Yeah, whenever I'm feeling bad about myself, I like to go to Las Vegas. When I'm there, I'm like, "I'm the prettiest, skinniest girl here!" (pause) There are, like, all these fat women in tights walking around…

–Spring & Crosby

Woman to friend: She's legitimaly anorexic.

–Spring St

Overheard by: francyne pelchar

Typical smiling NYU female to girl, loudly in crowded area: Hi, sweetie, you look great! The swelling has all gone down… Almost…

–NYU Campus

Overheard by: Olivia Joy


Bringing Up Wednesday One-Liner

Woman to young crying son: Come here, man. Come over here. Come on! (to passing woman) Excuse me, miss, do you want that baby over there?

–103rd St & Amsterdam Ave

Teen to others: In honor of black history month, I'm getting all black girls pregnant.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Saurabh

Woman on cell: No, well, his babymom–one of his babymoms, he got 10 kids, you know–well anyway, they're living together now. (pause) No, but they ain't together like that! You don't understand. It's that she's got a heart condition. She's not doing well, so he moved in 'cause the baby only like two or three years old. He's going to be like a helping hand if she goes into the hospital permanently. Yeah, yeah… I know, it's too bad, 'cause I really had feelings for him, but everything happens for a reason, you know?

–188th St & Arthur Ave

Six-year-old boy: Whose baby is this? She's ruining our foundation!

–Sunnyside Gardens Park