Archive for October, 2012

Next Time I'll Just Jack One

Five-year-old girl #1: Did I tell you that it took forever for me to find parking?
Five-year-old girl #2: No, really?
Five-year-old girl #1: Yes, there was a big truck in my way and I had to drive around forever, but I am here now. (girls go back to running through the fountain)

–Playground, Long Island City

Eh, I'll Settle for YouTube Notoriety

Random girl #1: What kind of movie is filmed at Jake's Dilemma?
Random girl #2: A movie that won't ever make it to the theaters.

–Amsterdam & 81st St

What With the Mysophobia

Construction worker #1: Oh, my god. Is that him?
Construction worker #2: I don't think so.
Construction worker #1, excited: I think it is! I think it is!
Construction worker #2: No way.
Construction worker #1, yelling: Yo, Howie! (to his buddy) Did he look?
Construction worker #2: Dude, Howie Mandel is not going to be walking around midtown Manhattan.

–Carnegie Hall

…First Time I've Heard That, Hon

Waitress, pouring beer to guy: Is that too much head for you, sir?
Guy, grinning lecherously: No, I can never get enough!
Waitress: Oh my.

–Diner, Midtown

Wednesday One-Liners Get Lost in Translation

30-something suit on cell: Uh-uh… see, I'm gonna sue his ass for defecation of character. That's defecation of character right there.

–Flatbush & Dekalb Ave

Overheard by: Elisse

Thug on cell: I'm mean, it was all of that, depending on how you, um, ya know, use these English words. (pause) I mean, shit…

–17th & 2nd

Overheard by: rick

Kid to friends, seeing Mercedes roadster: Man, look at its exhaustion pipes!

–Jewel Ave & Main St

Overheard by: BobsBigBoys

Thugette on cell: I'm sorry. If I'da knowed, you'da wanna went. I'da seed you'da gotta get to go.

–Off-Track Betting

Overheard by: johnny

Man to another in the park: You got a memory like a… fuhgetaboutit.

–Greenmarket, Union Square

Overheard by: Eric Arevalo

Wednesday's One-Liners Refuse to Heal

Thug tween in pj pants: My wound isn't open. I checked in the bathroom.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: This Is Our Youth

Eccentric man, offering crusty napkin to sneezing female suit: Here, it's barely used.

–Crosstown Bus

Stoner to female friend: Before you clip your fingernails, make sure your nose is clear of boogers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Patrick

Rich lady to rich friend: But then I checked, and it wasn't oozing, and so I figured what the hell, you know?

–31st & 3rd

Overheard by: Perversely curious

A Wednesday One-Liner Is Not Your Fault

Blonde teen: I hope he gets abducted by General Date Rape!

–Central Park

Girl to guy: Well, you did roofie me…

–Washington Square

Overheard by: boast no pills?

Guy to another: You know, you are just like a rape victim. You are in complete denial.

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: stephanie

Woman, staring at cell: This is the pervert who raped me!

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: ARob

Middle aged guy in red velvet suit, yelling at cell: You black and crispy, and you got raped!

–1 Train

If You Prick a Wednesday, Does He Not One-Liner?

Flamboyant male receptionist on front-desk phone: You can drink my blood, but don't you drink anybody's spit!

–W 40th St

NYPD officer to drunk: Sir, the more you move, the more you are going to bleed, and to the more you are going to want to pass out.

–62nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Andrew Bennett

Suit to hobo: I'm sorry but I can't share a cab with you. Your eyes are bleeding.

–Spring St & Greene

Overheard by: hngryDavy

Vendor to another: I've only washed blood off money once. And I was on so many drugs, and in such a rush…

–Greenmarket, Union Square

Overheard by: Peter Kaufman

Wednesday, the Northernmost One-Liner

40-something UWS mom to six-year-old girl: C'mon, honey, we have to get off here… or else we'll end up in The Bronx. (quietly)I hate it when that happens.

–3 Train

Overheard by: Mader

30-something hipster to another: You know what I love about The Bronx? 18-year-old MILFs.

–Union Square

Thug to friend: The army is like The Bronx of the military, and the marines are like Manhattan.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Vas

Mom carrying lots of bags, with four year old in tow, looking exasperated: Jayden, it's too cold out to carry a turtle from Manhattan to The Bronx!

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Meredith