Archive for November, 2012

Just Wait 'til They Discuss Periods.

Woman: My friend does a colon cleanse once a month, it's really good for you. Cleans out all the toxins.
Man: Colon? Isn't colon a kind of cancer?
Woman: No, fool, it's a part of your body.
Man: What part?
Woman: I dunno, somewhere… Here… (waves her hand around her chest and midsection).

–4 train

Overheard by: Jej

That's Their Slogan

outside of david barton gym.
Lady #1
: Ooh I love this store!

Lady #2: What do they sell? I can't see!
Lady #1: Like skulls and stuff.
Lady #2: There's not very much stuff in there…

–Lafayette and Astor Pl.

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Annoying Tourists Are My Toilet.

while waiting for hot dogs at a street vendor…
Middle aged southern woman #1
: "how come new yorkers are so rude?"

Middle aged southern woman #2: "because most of them don't love jesus."
Middle aged southern woman #1: <directed at the street vendor>: "what do y'all do when you have to go to the bathroom?"
Vendor: (no response).

–14th & Broadway (Union Square)

Overheard by: Eric

Wednesday One-Liners Need Spell Check

#20, just past quittin' time, venting to a friend:
She want a fyi? I got a fyi. I'ma cc her ass!

–21st and 7th

In new york there are only 25 letters in the alphabet. … You remove the letter "r".

–Port Authority loud homeless woman

Overheard by: Eally? Is it tue?

"fog… You know fag except o instead of a"

–71st Continental Ave and Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Hungry Runner

Mother to kid at a parent teacher conference: "son, when the teacher tells you to be quiet, you shut your mouth! S-h-o-u-t! Shut!"

–High School in the Bronx

Overheard by: Faith

You Dirty Wednesday One-Liner!

Ghetto black woman, refusing to follow ghetto black man down stairs: I ain't goin' down there and gettin' my ass eatin' by some New York City rats… Lawd no!

–R Train

MTA construction worker to two small children pointing at rats: That's good food!

–Columbus Circle

Mother to young son in stroller: Baby boy, this is New York. Theys got rats jumpin' outta garbage cans and gonna eat us. (child screams in terror)

–Eastern Pkwy & Bedford Ave

Suit to teen girl: There was a guy living in a house with 2,000 rats. They were his pets. Living in his walls, nesting under his tub. If you ever feel like your life is really shitty, watch an episode of Hoarders.

–F Train

Wednesday 9-to-5ers

Woman on cell: What? You quit your job because you got an income tax refund?

–1st & 69th

20-something hot girl to friend: I just want him to go into stand-up comedy so I can stop working.

–207th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Stefanie Petersen

Woman on cell: I could go on a job interview right now, that's how sober I am!

–12th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: maianess

Woman to man online at the DMV discussing piercings and tattoos: I don't want to get no more piercings because it don't look good when I go to court… And for jobs.

–Harlem DMV

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Once…Going Twice…Sold!

Bro, out of SUV window: I sold my ass on Craigslist and I'm proud of it!

–5th Ave & Union St, Brooklyn

Store clerk: Everyone, listen up. Do not let your children wander around the store. Any unattended children will be sold to Nike.

–Costume Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: hatalie

Thug on subway: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm here sellin' candy cause it's better than sellin' drugs. I got snickers, M&Ms…

–L Train

Overheard by: I'll take the M&M's

Hipster to friend: Wait, so the guy who used to sell him blow is now a character witness in his rape case?

–Throop Ave & Ellery

Wednesday Shoplifters

Hipster to friend: I'm sorry hon, we can't lift at Shoprite tonight. I just heard that Robbie got caught stealing candles at a cracker barrel.

–Staten Island Ferry

Yelling hobo, to nobody in particular: If you want to get robbed, go to Macy's. Have your credit cards ready, they'll swipe you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Ken

Angry gap-toothed man waiting for light to change, to no one in particular: Maybe you motherfuckers will learn when we start robbing you!

–8th Ave & 26th St

Overheard by: Graceful Space

20-something woman on phone: What! They stole your vibrator. What the fuck are they going to do with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Hal