Archive for November, 2012

Annoying Tourists Are My Toilet.

while waiting for hot dogs at a street vendor…
Middle aged southern woman #1
: "how come new yorkers are so rude?"

Middle aged southern woman #2: "because most of them don't love jesus."
Middle aged southern woman #1: <directed at the street vendor>: "what do y'all do when you have to go to the bathroom?"
Vendor: (no response).

–14th & Broadway (Union Square)

Overheard by: Eric

Wednesday One-Liners Need Spell Check

#20, just past quittin' time, venting to a friend:
She want a fyi? I got a fyi. I'ma cc her ass!

–21st and 7th

In new york there are only 25 letters in the alphabet. … You remove the letter "r".

–Port Authority loud homeless woman

Overheard by: Eally? Is it tue?

"fog… You know fag except o instead of a"

–71st Continental Ave and Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Hungry Runner

Mother to kid at a parent teacher conference: "son, when the teacher tells you to be quiet, you shut your mouth! S-h-o-u-t! Shut!"

–High School in the Bronx

Overheard by: Faith

You Dirty Wednesday One-Liner!

Ghetto black woman, refusing to follow ghetto black man down stairs: I ain't goin' down there and gettin' my ass eatin' by some New York City rats… Lawd no!

–R Train

MTA construction worker to two small children pointing at rats: That's good food!

–Columbus Circle

Mother to young son in stroller: Baby boy, this is New York. Theys got rats jumpin' outta garbage cans and gonna eat us. (child screams in terror)

–Eastern Pkwy & Bedford Ave

Suit to teen girl: There was a guy living in a house with 2,000 rats. They were his pets. Living in his walls, nesting under his tub. If you ever feel like your life is really shitty, watch an episode of Hoarders.

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Going Once…Going Twice…Sold!

Bro, out of SUV window: I sold my ass on Craigslist and I'm proud of it!

–5th Ave & Union St, Brooklyn

Store clerk: Everyone, listen up. Do not let your children wander around the store. Any unattended children will be sold to Nike.

–Costume Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: hatalie

Thug on subway: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. I'm here sellin' candy cause it's better than sellin' drugs. I got snickers, M&Ms…

–L Train

Overheard by: I'll take the M&M's

Hipster to friend: Wait, so the guy who used to sell him blow is now a character witness in his rape case?

–Throop Ave & Ellery

Wednesday Shoplifters

Hipster to friend: I'm sorry hon, we can't lift at Shoprite tonight. I just heard that Robbie got caught stealing candles at a cracker barrel.

–Staten Island Ferry

Yelling hobo, to nobody in particular: If you want to get robbed, go to Macy's. Have your credit cards ready, they'll swipe you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Ken

Angry gap-toothed man waiting for light to change, to no one in particular: Maybe you motherfuckers will learn when we start robbing you!

–8th Ave & 26th St

Overheard by: Graceful Space

20-something woman on phone: What! They stole your vibrator. What the fuck are they going to do with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Hal

Wednesdays Take the Escalator to the One-Liner Department

Panicking tourist: Where are the stores?

–8th Ave & 34th St

Angry black woman on cell outside bodega: I'mma 'bout to get all ugly up in this fuckin' store.

–St. Nicholas Ave, Harlem

Overheard by: Joe

Guy arguing with girlfriend: I'm telling you, there's only one reason people go to pet stores!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Tiny old white lady dressed in full-on wool stockings, long knit skirt, long sleeved button down shirt, and sweater in 90 degrees weather, looking at two young black girls next to her wearing super tight tube tops and hoochie shorts: Oh I see we shop at the same store.

–Broadway & 12th St

Overheard by: cate

Wednesday One-Liners Play Well with Others.

Hipster to friend: Bagel just texted me. He wants to know if he can play ukulele on your roof.

–10th St & Ave B

Train conductor: Oh, hell no. I know you're not gonna get on my train and start playing those instruments. Those aren't even instruments. What is that, a bucket? If you start playing that, I will kick you off my train. Did you get that? I'd better not hear you making any noise. (pause) Good. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–2 Train

Crazy old man wearing chucks and drinking a Pepsi: Can't play no flute, can't play no fife, can't play no saxophone, can't play no violin… Jesus died for our sins. Did you do that? Do you understand me or am I speaking Chinese?

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Wigger guy on Bluetooth: I shouldn't have said "pianist," man, it sounded like "penis."

–1 Train

Overheard by: Adam

The Wednesday One-Liner Will See You Now

Hobo: Now nobody ever heard of a person, animal, fish, or even an insect die from dope. Here's a piece of advice–you find a doctor who prescribes you marijuana and that's the doctor you keep for the rest of your life.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Confused Girl

Suit on cell: Just because he is a doctor and she is his patient, doesn't mean he can be arrested for sexual harassment.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: A.J. F.

Child who just got hit on the head by a wiffleball bat: Oww! I need a CAT scan! I need a CAT scan!

–Central Park

Slovenly dude: "Medical environment," my ass! Anus is anus!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

It's Like Puerto Rico All Up in Here!

Conversation in spanish:
Mexican #1: I have been working so hard.

Mexican #2: Yes me too, I'm so tired.
Mexican #1: I think I'm moving back home, this city is full of weirdos and it sucks!
Mexican #2: Really? Wow I think me too.
I'm mexican and this really made me laugh : P the exodus back home is starting soon just like that movie "a day without a mexican"

–at the 2 train going uptown from the Fulton st station

Overheard by: Jenny Arredondo