Archive for November, 2012

Just Wait 'til They Discuss Periods.

Woman: My friend does a colon cleanse once a month, it's really good for you. Cleans out all the toxins.
Man: Colon? Isn't colon a kind of cancer?
Woman: No, fool, it's a part of your body.
Man: What part?
Woman: I dunno, somewhere… Here… (waves her hand around her chest and midsection).

–4 train

Overheard by: Jej


That's Their Slogan

outside of david barton gym.
Lady #1
: Ooh I love this store!

Lady #2: What do they sell? I can't see!
Lady #1: Like skulls and stuff.
Lady #2: There's not very much stuff in there…

–Lafayette and Astor Pl.

Overheard by: Bruce Lee


Annoying Tourists Are My Toilet.

while waiting for hot dogs at a street vendor…
Middle aged southern woman #1
: "how come new yorkers are so rude?"

Middle aged southern woman #2: "because most of them don't love jesus."
Middle aged southern woman #1: <directed at the street vendor>: "what do y'all do when you have to go to the bathroom?"
Vendor: (no response).

–14th & Broadway (Union Square)

Overheard by: Eric


Wednesday One-Liners Need Spell Check

#20, just past quittin' time, venting to a friend:
She want a fyi? I got a fyi. I'ma cc her ass!


–21st and 7th

In new york there are only 25 letters in the alphabet. … You remove the letter "r".

–Port Authority loud homeless woman

Overheard by: Eally? Is it tue?

"fog… You know fag except o instead of a"

–71st Continental Ave and Queens Blvd

Overheard by: Hungry Runner

Mother to kid at a parent teacher conference: "son, when the teacher tells you to be quiet, you shut your mouth! S-h-o-u-t! Shut!"

–High School in the Bronx

Overheard by: Faith


You Dirty Wednesday One-Liner!

Ghetto black woman, refusing to follow ghetto black man down stairs: I ain't goin' down there and gettin' my ass eatin' by some New York City rats… Lawd no!

–R Train

MTA construction worker to two small children pointing at rats: That's good food!

–Columbus Circle

Mother to young son in stroller: Baby boy, this is New York. Theys got rats jumpin' outta garbage cans and gonna eat us. (child screams in terror)

–Eastern Pkwy & Bedford Ave

Suit to teen girl: There was a guy living in a house with 2,000 rats. They were his pets. Living in his walls, nesting under his tub. If you ever feel like your life is really shitty, watch an episode of Hoarders.

–F Train


Big Yellow Wednesday One-Liner

Cab driver to guy getting in front seat and putting on seatbelt: What's da matter? You scared or something?!

–23rd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Murray

Moroccan taxi driver: Always watch out for Chinese and New Jersey licence plates, they are the worst drivers in the world.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ana

Cab driver, shouting at passersby in crosswalk: Need some rain out here, Lord! Get 'em in my cab!

–24th & 6th

Overheard by: Oh NYC-you amuse me so

Ambulance driver, over loudspeaker, stuck behind cab refusing to pull over despite lights and sirens: It's pretty clear why you drive a fucking cab for a living.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: trafficjunky


Wednesday One-Liners Would Do This Job for Free

Conductor to passengers, as he concludes announcement of delay in service: We apologize for your appreciation.

–R Train

Overheard by: Peter

Emphatic conductor: Please do not stand in the closing doors. This is not your private dancer.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Tycho Anomaly

Conductor: This is the station formally known as Prince!

–N Train

Overheard by: Jesus Jon

Conductor: To everyone in the last car: this is not a bus. A bus has one door; we are a train, we have four doors per car. There are eight cars. That's 32 doors per train. Please use all of them.

–R Train

Conductor, upon attempting multiple times to close doors: People, listen up. The train doors close at different times. See me? Where I stand, from me on down, the doors close first. For the rest of the train, they close after the first doors close. That's right, watch yourself. Don't try to get in them other doors if those first doors are closed. Cuz they bout to close right now!

–4 Train

Conductor: This is a Coney Island-bound f train, next stop is Bergen. If you're in the mood for an adventure tonight, go across the platform and take the a train out to East New York, tell your mama you won't be coming home tonight.

–F Train

Overheard by: jj


Wednesday One-Liners for Jesus

Docent: So they brought in this group from Wisconsin, and Barb called me to meet them out front, and she said "Now I want you to know that they're kind of rough and young", but I thought she'd said "rough nuns", so I said, "Rough nuns? In this day and age?"

–Carnegie Hall

Overheard by: Katarina

Art student: They were handing out free bibles, and the pages make great rolling paper!

–Astor place

Gay guy: I mean, I don't even believe in gay marriage. It's too steeped in religious tradition. We should make up something better and we can call it, like, super… Rainbow… Awesome hookup… Or something. Lesbians get a marriage pass, though. They're like already married in their heads when they meet, buying diapers and shit.

–R Train

Overheard by: jules

Big Latino thug: That's why I can't be religious! I see all these asses and… (gestures helplessly)

–35th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Courtwick