Archive for November, 2012

Wednesday Shoplifters

Hipster to friend: I'm sorry hon, we can't lift at Shoprite tonight. I just heard that Robbie got caught stealing candles at a cracker barrel.

–Staten Island Ferry

Yelling hobo, to nobody in particular: If you want to get robbed, go to Macy's. Have your credit cards ready, they'll swipe you!

–F Train

Overheard by: Ken

Angry gap-toothed man waiting for light to change, to no one in particular: Maybe you motherfuckers will learn when we start robbing you!

–8th Ave & 26th St

Overheard by: Graceful Space

20-something woman on phone: What! They stole your vibrator. What the fuck are they going to do with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Hal

Wednesdays Take the Escalator to the One-Liner Department

Panicking tourist: Where are the stores?

–8th Ave & 34th St

Angry black woman on cell outside bodega: I'mma 'bout to get all ugly up in this fuckin' store.

–St. Nicholas Ave, Harlem

Overheard by: Joe

Guy arguing with girlfriend: I'm telling you, there's only one reason people go to pet stores!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Tiny old white lady dressed in full-on wool stockings, long knit skirt, long sleeved button down shirt, and sweater in 90 degrees weather, looking at two young black girls next to her wearing super tight tube tops and hoochie shorts: Oh I see we shop at the same store.

–Broadway & 12th St

Overheard by: cate

Wednesday One-Liners Play Well with Others.

Hipster to friend: Bagel just texted me. He wants to know if he can play ukulele on your roof.

–10th St & Ave B

Train conductor: Oh, hell no. I know you're not gonna get on my train and start playing those instruments. Those aren't even instruments. What is that, a bucket? If you start playing that, I will kick you off my train. Did you get that? I'd better not hear you making any noise. (pause) Good. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–2 Train

Crazy old man wearing chucks and drinking a Pepsi: Can't play no flute, can't play no fife, can't play no saxophone, can't play no violin… Jesus died for our sins. Did you do that? Do you understand me or am I speaking Chinese?

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Wigger guy on Bluetooth: I shouldn't have said "pianist," man, it sounded like "penis."

–1 Train

Overheard by: Adam

The Wednesday One-Liner Will See You Now

Hobo: Now nobody ever heard of a person, animal, fish, or even an insect die from dope. Here's a piece of advice–you find a doctor who prescribes you marijuana and that's the doctor you keep for the rest of your life.

–4 Train

Overheard by: Confused Girl

Suit on cell: Just because he is a doctor and she is his patient, doesn't mean he can be arrested for sexual harassment.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: A.J. F.

Child who just got hit on the head by a wiffleball bat: Oww! I need a CAT scan! I need a CAT scan!

–Central Park

Slovenly dude: "Medical environment," my ass! Anus is anus!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

It's Like Puerto Rico All Up in Here!

Conversation in spanish:
Mexican #1: I have been working so hard.

Mexican #2: Yes me too, I'm so tired.
Mexican #1: I think I'm moving back home, this city is full of weirdos and it sucks!
Mexican #2: Really? Wow I think me too.
I'm mexican and this really made me laugh : P the exodus back home is starting soon just like that movie "a day without a mexican"

–at the 2 train going uptown from the Fulton st station

Overheard by: Jenny Arredondo

What Cougars Eat: Explained

Two late #30s early #40s women:
Woman #1: You should really get another cell phone to give out to men you meet at the bar, that way you can keep them all in one place and can name them "guy with the blue shirt" "good dancer"…

Woman #2: Yeah, I use my cell phone for work calls too so I always have to answer random numbers.
Woman #1: Then this way, you can just weed out the normal ones and anyone you are still talking to after a couple months you can just tell them you got a new cell phone number. You really need to check out tmobile. Conversation drags on, ten minutes later…
Woman #2: I don't know, young guys these days just want to make out.
Woman #1: How young are you talking?… I dated a 25 year old when I was 33.
Woman #2: How did that work out?
Woman #1: Well, I'm not married to him… Ha! No really, I dated a lot of young guys, all personal trainers.
Woman #2: Really?
Woman #1: Yeah, their so hot.

–Bryant Park

Probably Shouldn't Send Her Pictures Of My Girlfriend

person 1 "I don't let anybody bring down my day."
person 2. "u crazy. Yeah man. I see all these women walking around with sad faces. Hope their men are treating them right. But then again, it could be their kids driving them crazy. U treat your woman right? I hope u do. But your divorced, so I don't know."

–140th St & Willis Ave

Overheard by: Danny

…Did You See Her Shoes?!

sat next to a table where there is a husband and wife having drinks and a very beautiful woman walks by.
Husband said
: "holy crap honey, I am going to look at this woman… She looks like a model, please don't be mad!"

Wife said: "don't worry … I am looking too!"

–Local Bar -11 E. 36th St

“Settling:” Defined

Man: Look honey, our first date! *points to china chalet*.
Woman: Ugh, should've been the last.

–Broadway and Morris St.

Overheard by: Stephanie

Talk About Slippery Slope Arguments

spoken as man is doing up his pants in the middle of the street. "yeah I ate her pussy while she was on her period, but it was the last day."
"dude, she's your second cousin."
"yeah but she's hot. You'd fuck your first cousin if she was hot, but your cousin isn't hot."

–Bleecker Street & Thompson Street

Overheard by: Tamara