Archive for 2012

Pretendsday One-Liners

I felt like I slept with Godzilla or fucking King Kong, I'm not dealing with this laid shit very well, huh?

–Hell's Kitchen

Guy yelling, wearing dress shirt and slacks: I'm looking to kill about 14 or 15 vampires today. If anyone could help me out and point me in the direction of a vampire lair, I could probably kill 8 or 9 there. Thank you.

–8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jon

Boy to friend: Gandalf is kind of a pussy.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Crazy woman: New York City is full of witchcraft. There are witches and warlocks among us. Thank the lord I have been saved.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sonia

Hobo, to himself: It's not a good time to be a witch. No, not a good time to be a witch.

–1 Train


Wednesday One-Liners Sunburn in Lamplight

Black girl, discussing first date with friend: He was so funny! Like, you know, white people, they don't be funny, but he was so funny!

–F Train, Queens

Crazy black guy to pretty blonde tourist: Marry me! I like white people too!

–Times Square

Girl outside liquor store: I'ma get white-girl drunk tonight.

–106th & 2nd

Overheard by: steph

Black woman to half-black, half-Asian baby: You're going to get hit on by so many white guys!

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Fact!

Black guy getting off train to black girl: Watch out for the white people.

–4 Train

Overheard by: White Girl


I Dream Of Wednesday One-Liner

College girl eying set of six multicolored vibrators: Man, I wish I had six friends to give this to!

–Sex Shop, SoHo

Overheard by: It's not what you think!

Older female suit on cell: Wish in one hand and piss in the other and see which hand fills up first!

–45th St & Lexington

Overheard by: isonomist

Obese black woman: I wish I had a British accent.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon A.

Black teenage girl to her friend: I wish I were Indian or Spanish or something! Or you know, like Italian…

–92nd St & 59th Ave

Loud older white lady: Tina, I just found out today: I have to get two rounds of chemo. I can't believe this … I wish I was dead. I have nothing in this life. Nothing! The way people have treated me, especially people in Soho, not coming to me for readings. The only person who I love is little Sylvan. She's the only one. I could be with her 24 hours a day. That's how much I love her. But I just wish I was dead! Dead! Okay, well, Tina, call me back.

–M21 Bus

Overheard by: Stephie


How Is a Wednesday One-Liner Like a Doorstop, Alex?

Conductor of very crowded train: If you stand between the doors, next to the signs that say "do not block the doors," you're probably stupid. Sir! You! You in the white shirt! Get out of the doors!

–Metro-North Rail

Overheard by: in my seat

Subway conductor, over PA, in thick Brooklyn accent: Get off the doors! What do you want, a death wish?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Sophia

MTA conductor, frustrated by passengers preventing doors from closing: Let the doors close, I don't tell you when to flip the burgers.

–Times Square Shuttle

Conductor, over the PA, exasperated: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a *train.* That means there are four doors per car and ten cars in all. That makes forty doors through which you can enter and exit the train. This isn't a bus with only one door. In order to keep the trains running in a timely fashion, please use all available doors. Thank you for your cooperation.

–Downtown F Train

Overheard by: Rose

Train conductor, over PA: Hey, kemosabe, quit holding the doors open! We got places to go.
(a few seconds later) Let me know where you work, so I can hold open your doors!

–Downtown A Express Train

Overheard by: faith


Jesus Was a Wednesday One-Liner, Y'know

Construction worker to another: You're already a pain in my balls! Imagine if you were foreman!

–Carmine St

Overheard by: Laura

Construction worker to another: So I chased it around, but then I got tired, so I just squished it.

–72nd & 3rd Ave

Construction worker catcalling tall blonde Barnard student: Hey nice girl! Hey! Hey nice girl!

–116th & Brodway

Construction worker, singing loudly: Oh, come all ye faithf… (notices girl with cigarette) Oh, yeah baby, smoke it! Smoke it like a chimney!

–Manhattan Bridge

Overheard by: fetishgirl


Run for the Light, Wednesday One-Liners!

Old woman at diner: I told you how I want to die, right? At 90, in childbirth.

–Broadway & 14th, Astoria

Overheard by: Matt

Guy on bus: Mr Strauss, I'm sorry I can't make it in today, I have a family emergency, my wife's sister was murdered yesterday.

–M16 Bus

Film student: If you're gonna work in film, if you're gonna think about my mother dying, my grandmother in hospital, my father dying, no, fuck all that shit. You gotta focus, say this is all that matters right now.

–NY Film Academy Cafe

Overheard by: Katherine

Man on phone: Sometimes you just have to kill everyone and start over. (pause) Do it and call me back.

–28th Ave & Steinway St


Wednesday One-Liners for David Hasselhoff

20-something guy: I've been drinking for, what, seven hours now? (mumbles) Fuck this shit. Fuck that shit. Fuck the French consulate!

–F Train

Overheard by: Amy

Drunk 20-something on cell, after boyfriend steps away: He went for more beer.
3 16-ounce beers and a pretzel so far. Yeah, I have a buzz, ohmigod, it's way hot. Yes, he is… You know how I get with a beer buzz. Yes, I hope we leave soon. (pause) His place.
I hope he makes a pretzel out of me!

–Yankee Stadium

Very drunk woman slurring to red-headed guy and Indian guy she just met: Ginger and Indian! Ginger and Indian, come here!

–L Train

Overheard by: Alison R

Drunk guy walking into store to cashier: Excuse me ma'am, where is the duck tape? I have a bit of a situation…

–Home Store, Brooklyn


Waifsday One-Liners

Hot girl on cell: So she was all, "are there calories in conditioner? Cause, there's gotta be fat, right?" And I was all, "duh! That's why it says to leave it on for three minutes! So not too many calories sink into your head!"

–13th & 2nd

Girl drinking coke: No, starches is what makes you gain weight.

–B38 Bus

Ditzy girl to another: Oh my god, this always happens to me! I don't eat for a long time and then I get *really* hungry!

–Pizza Place

Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen! I'm very hungry! I haven't eaten in 15 days! (pause) Just kidding!

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: EVan Gardner

20-something skinny girl: I'm on a diet. I had a breath of fresh air this morning. Now I'm full.

–48th St & 9th Ave


Wednesday One-Liners Run Into Carmen Sandiego

Tourist to wife: I just don't understand! Where are we?!

–Times Square

Panicking tourist to security guard: Where's Rockefeller Center? We're looking for Rockefeller Center.

–Lobby of One Rockefeller Plaza

Overheard by: Cung

20-something girl to friend: We should learn to read maps. We live in New York City. It's so simple. We should learn to read maps.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Katherine

Man to woman, walking: It's Broadway and 6th, but I don't know where that is.

–Broadway & 6th