Archive for 2012

Poor, Poor Camille Grammer.

Drunk middle aged woman coming home from St. Patty's parade: Stay away from ma man! I told her to stay away from ma man.
Drunk middle aged man: Mmm-hmm.
Drunk woman, slurring: I told her to not touch ma man. She thinks she's all cute and shit. But she not cute, she looks like a 10 dolla hooka.
Drunk middle aged man, in agreement: Uh-huh.
Drunk woman, slurring and stumbling: Not even, a two dolla hooka. Go on, you slut! Keep walking!

–Staten Island Ferry


Undead-Americans Are Understandably Prickly

Older guy: Well, do you want to get something to eat?
Younger guy: Sure, but I'm not really familiar with the area. Do you know any local haunts?
Older guy: Yes, but I don't call them “haunts”.

–La MaMa Theatre, E 4th St

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster


Chinese Guy: Look, an Exotic White Couple!

Tweedledum: Wait, are we in Chinatown now?
Tweedledee: No, what are you talking about?
Tweedledum: Oh, I just thought, because I mean I just saw an Asian.

–5th Ave, outside Bergdorf's

Overheard by: Selena


Lines Gary Busey Has Never Uttered.

Guy on train on cell: Yeah, man, I'm not sure if I can go out tonight. (pause) I know there's going to be a shit-ton of booze, but I think I'm staying in. I'll go next time. (pause) I'm just saying, I have no idea what I'm on right now, but I don't think I should mix it with alcohol.

–7 Train


…I've Met Him 'Fore.

Grandfather: You remember my cousin, Arthur?
Little boy: Who?
Grandfather: You remember him, he was at your bris.
Little boy: Oh, right, right. (nods)

–76th & Amsterdam


Mom Chanted the Times Tables All During Her Pregnancy

Ghetto mother: How much is one times one?
Five-year-old son: Uh … four?
Ghetto mother: What? Boy, are you serious? Yo… I don't know what to do with you anymore. You're ignorant. (gets up and walks to bathroom)
Five-year-old son, to people sitting around: I'm not ignorant.

–Staten Island Ferry


And I've Only Been to a 7-11 Twice!

Sober girl: Well, is he cute.
Drunk girl: Yeah, he's really cute… but he's Indian.
Sober girl: You're racist!
Drunk girl: Yeah… dude, I don't read the Qur'an.

–30th & 3rd


New York City Is a Rich Cultural Tapestry.

Drunk black girl #1: Ew!Those plaid pants are fuckin ugly.
Drunk black girl #2: (laughs)
Queer non-athlete: Excuse me!
Drunk black girl #1: Yes?
Queer: My pants are not ugly and they are not plaid! Get it right, it's madras!
Drunk black girl #1: Right… and madras is a form of plaid!
Drunk black girl #2: Haha! Dumbass.
Queer: Yeah, well you bitches are just racist!
Drunk black girl #2: What the hell does race have to do with this? You're pants are ugly. Face facts.
Queer: Cause if I was black you wouldn't have said anything!
Drunk black girls, simultaneously: If you were black you wouldn't be wearing those ugly ass pants!
(queer stomps down train car, finds a seat and sulks. Drunk white girl approaches black girls)
Drunk white girl
: Hey, guys.

Drunk black girl #1: Sup?
Drunk white girl: I feel bad, that was my friend, you know.
Drunk black girl #2: Oh. Well, you should be a good friend and tell him not to come out dressed like that.

–Crowded L Trian

Overheard by: Drunk and Laughing Friend who totally agrees