Archive for 2012

He Has a Vested Interest!

Customer: This vest is so poetic, it just has so much depth and feeling. (customer exits).
Store clerk #1: Depth and feeling? You're 22 years old and you're wearing an ascot. (pause) You're an idiot.
Store clerk #2: Right?!

–Greenwhich & 11th St

This PSA for the Use Of Condiments Never Quite Took Off

Crazy toothless woman taking packets of salt and pepper from bins: What, ya'll ain't never seen people taking teeth and pills from restaurants before? Ya'll don't know my name is Harwas and I'm anti-semetic. I hex all of ya'll. May it grow this way.
Teen: Yo, mama, you forgot the ketchup.
Crazy toothless woman: I'm just stepping through nicely.

–McDonald's, 34th & 8th

Poor, Poor Camille Grammer.

Drunk middle aged woman coming home from St. Patty's parade: Stay away from ma man! I told her to stay away from ma man.
Drunk middle aged man: Mmm-hmm.
Drunk woman, slurring: I told her to not touch ma man. She thinks she's all cute and shit. But she not cute, she looks like a 10 dolla hooka.
Drunk middle aged man, in agreement: Uh-huh.
Drunk woman, slurring and stumbling: Not even, a two dolla hooka. Go on, you slut! Keep walking!

–Staten Island Ferry

Undead-Americans Are Understandably Prickly

Older guy: Well, do you want to get something to eat?
Younger guy: Sure, but I'm not really familiar with the area. Do you know any local haunts?
Older guy: Yes, but I don't call them “haunts”.

–La MaMa Theatre, E 4th St

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Chinese Guy: Look, an Exotic White Couple!

Tweedledum: Wait, are we in Chinatown now?
Tweedledee: No, what are you talking about?
Tweedledum: Oh, I just thought, because I mean I just saw an Asian.

–5th Ave, outside Bergdorf's

Overheard by: Selena

Lines Gary Busey Has Never Uttered.

Guy on train on cell: Yeah, man, I'm not sure if I can go out tonight. (pause) I know there's going to be a shit-ton of booze, but I think I'm staying in. I'll go next time. (pause) I'm just saying, I have no idea what I'm on right now, but I don't think I should mix it with alcohol.

–7 Train

…I've Met Him 'Fore.

Grandfather: You remember my cousin, Arthur?
Little boy: Who?
Grandfather: You remember him, he was at your bris.
Little boy: Oh, right, right. (nods)

–76th & Amsterdam

Mom Chanted the Times Tables All During Her Pregnancy

Ghetto mother: How much is one times one?
Five-year-old son: Uh … four?
Ghetto mother: What? Boy, are you serious? Yo… I don't know what to do with you anymore. You're ignorant. (gets up and walks to bathroom)
Five-year-old son, to people sitting around: I'm not ignorant.

–Staten Island Ferry