Archive for 2012

An Island Long Enough So That the Lines Never Bunch?

Woman #1: Ma'am, you need to move. We're trying to get by here.
Woman #2, trying to squeeze into line of people to get out of the way: You'll have to wait a second…
Woman #1: You selfish, nasty witch! What are you, from the suburbs?

–Laura Pels Theatre


Later I'll Teach You How to Fake Orgasm

Tourist mom after buying a Chinatown purse: See sweetie, now we've had a real New York experience!
Tourist teenage daughter: Yeah mom, about as real as these bags.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Knock-off New Yorker


Then What Are Eggs, Smartypants?

Normal-looking guy: It's eating a baby.
Girl, after long awkward pause: Okay… (pauses again) Uh… Is that a good thing?
Normal-looking guy: Yeah, I mean, they give you a burrito, but it's a baby.
Girl: (looks very confused and starts to get alarmed)
Normal-looking guy: It's huge–it's as big as a baby–it's like eating a baby.
Girl: Ohhh, that's what you meant…
Normal-looking guy: Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna go kill a baby and eat it.
Girl, after sigh of relief: Yeah. Good.

–8th Ave, Midtown

Overheard by: Aliza


With Angel Dust, but Still

Mom: How was your afternoon?
Little girl: We got wings and pixie dust all over ourselves! It was so fun!
Random hobo: I did that too!

–7th Ave & W 4th


There's a 20% Probability I'll Let You Do That.

Cashier: This coupon gives you 20% off your entire purchase.
Customer: That's not what I want! I want 20% off each item!
Cashier: I think that's the same thing, ma'am.
Customer: You think you're smart. I want to talk to a manager.

–Bed Bath & Beyond, Brooklyn


…Got Two Friends?

Student #1: Did you know that Gene Simmons has had sex with like, 4,600 women?
Student #2: Wow… That's like three more than me!

–Marymount Manhattan College, Java City

Overheard by: Fairymount Manheaven


But We're Jewish, Ephraim!

Ditzy 20-something to boyfriend: Is Easter on Sunday? Because my sister said it is. (several moments go by) I think I'll google it…
Boyfriend: That's pathetic.

–W Train

Overheard by: the girl sitting next to you who facepalmed


Okay Then– Same Time Tomorrow?

Gold tooth guy: Excuse me, you speak English?
Suit, walking dog: Yes. (laughing)
Gold tooth guy: Okay, I mean you look somebody who don't speak English.
Suit: Right, I understand.
Gold tooth guy: Hey, you know anybody need some names and social security numbers?
Suit: No.
Gold tooth guy: Cause I got like 530 of them.
Suit: Okay.
Gold tooth guy: You a cop.
Suit, laughing: No.
Gold tooth guy: I'm just saying, cause…
Suit: I know, a white guy in this neighborhood… a lot of people ask me.
Gold tooth guy, stepping closer and looking at dog: He don't bite, do he?
Suit: No man, you're good.
Gold tooth guy: You need a phone. (produces phone)
Suit: No.
Gold tooth guy: Not this one, you know.
Suit: Right.
Gold tooth guy: No problem. (pause) Look, you got some change?
Suit: No, man. Sorry.

–Brooklyn


Is Anyone Else Secretly Disappointed They Never Did a Second Season Of Amish in the City?

Manager to checkout ladies, who are all together up front and fighting: Please, people are around, for god's sakes… Listen, I'm speaking now. Please.
(checkout ladies continue to argue in foreign language and fighting goes on, while in the background playing softly is the Debbie Boone hit “You Light Up My Life.”)

–Amish Market, Midtown

Overheard by: Mark