Archive for 2012

With Angel Dust, but Still

Mom: How was your afternoon?
Little girl: We got wings and pixie dust all over ourselves! It was so fun!
Random hobo: I did that too!

–7th Ave & W 4th

There's a 20% Probability I'll Let You Do That.

Cashier: This coupon gives you 20% off your entire purchase.
Customer: That's not what I want! I want 20% off each item!
Cashier: I think that's the same thing, ma'am.
Customer: You think you're smart. I want to talk to a manager.

–Bed Bath & Beyond, Brooklyn

…Got Two Friends?

Student #1: Did you know that Gene Simmons has had sex with like, 4,600 women?
Student #2: Wow… That's like three more than me!

–Marymount Manhattan College, Java City

Overheard by: Fairymount Manheaven

But We're Jewish, Ephraim!

Ditzy 20-something to boyfriend: Is Easter on Sunday? Because my sister said it is. (several moments go by) I think I'll google it…
Boyfriend: That's pathetic.

–W Train

Overheard by: the girl sitting next to you who facepalmed

Okay Then– Same Time Tomorrow?

Gold tooth guy: Excuse me, you speak English?
Suit, walking dog: Yes. (laughing)
Gold tooth guy: Okay, I mean you look somebody who don't speak English.
Suit: Right, I understand.
Gold tooth guy: Hey, you know anybody need some names and social security numbers?
Suit: No.
Gold tooth guy: Cause I got like 530 of them.
Suit: Okay.
Gold tooth guy: You a cop.
Suit, laughing: No.
Gold tooth guy: I'm just saying, cause…
Suit: I know, a white guy in this neighborhood… a lot of people ask me.
Gold tooth guy, stepping closer and looking at dog: He don't bite, do he?
Suit: No man, you're good.
Gold tooth guy: You need a phone. (produces phone)
Suit: No.
Gold tooth guy: Not this one, you know.
Suit: Right.
Gold tooth guy: No problem. (pause) Look, you got some change?
Suit: No, man. Sorry.


Is Anyone Else Secretly Disappointed They Never Did a Second Season Of Amish in the City?

Manager to checkout ladies, who are all together up front and fighting: Please, people are around, for god's sakes… Listen, I'm speaking now. Please.
(checkout ladies continue to argue in foreign language and fighting goes on, while in the background playing softly is the Debbie Boone hit “You Light Up My Life.”)

–Amish Market, Midtown

Overheard by: Mark

Little René Descartes Realized He Was On to Something

Woman showing pictures to child: This is Sammy… And this is Abe when he was four. He looks like an alien with those sunglasses.
Child: What's an alien?
Woman: It's like… like someone who lives on the moon or something. But aliens aren't real. They don't exist.
Child: But Abe exists!

–Kid-friendly Diner, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny

The Best Part Is, It Wasn't Halloween.

(guy gets on train wearing a suit with a giant AIG name tag and carrying a stuffed garbage bag marked with $$ signs)
Guy sitting by door
: Hey, man, is that your Halloween costume or did you just get off work?

AIG guy: Nah man, I'm just coming from work. Wanted to bring home a little of my cash, you know, in case I wanted to buy something tonight.

–Downtown 6 Train

No Wonder I'm Getting Hungary.

Child, reading overhead sign: R train local to Austria.
Mom: That says “Astoria,” son.

–R Train

Overheard by: Acacia