Archive for 2012

But Thanks, God-Haunted Stranger!

Crazy dude to girl #1: How long have you known the lord Jesus?
(no reply)
Crazy dude to girl #2
: Are you an actress?

Girl #2, laughing: No.
Crazy dude: A dancer?
Girl #2, laughing: No.
Crazy dude: Did you pledge a sorority?
Girl #2, not laughing anymore: Uh… no.
Crazy dude to girl #1, as she's walking off the train: God bless you, dear.
Girl #1: Shut up.

–C Train

Overheard by: Petey Mills


Gym Girls Will Get All Jersey Shore on Your Ass

Terrifying gym girl #1: That's it–we're excluding her from fun time.
Terrifying gym girl #2: I think she knows that.
Terrifying gym girl #1: She does not know! She does not fucking know!

–Equinox Gym, Union Square

Overheard by: Ladle


Ah, the Sounds Of Summer!

Skinny bike-riding hipster, after getting hit by a car at 3 am: Hey! What the fuck, man!?
Polish muscle jock looking out window: What?!
Skinny bike-riding hipster: You hit me, asshole!
Polish muscle jock: You in way and crossed road on light!
Skinny bike-riding hipster: I can't understand you!
Polish muscle jock: Fuck you, skinny hipster boy fag!
Skinny bike-riding hipster: Whatever, small dick Pollack! Get the fuck out of my country!
Polish muscle jock: You get out of my country!
Skinny bike-riding hipster: What!? (laughs)
Polish muscle jock, stepping out of car: You want to see my big dick!?
(skinny bike-riding hipster throws bike at car hood. Polish muscle jock steps back into car and begins to drive toward skinny bike-riding hipster)
Skinny bike-riding hipster, dodging attack and screaming
: Fuck you, pussy Pollack!

(Polish muscle jock drives away)

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn


Dorothy Was Kind Of a Bitch

Boy #1: She tells me I'm the scarecrow; like, I ain't gotta brain and shit.
Boy #2: That's cold right there, yo. Her speaking the truth and all.

–4 Train


How Much More Fucking Super Can He Get

Guy during date: Did you see the trailer for the new Superman movie?
Girl: They're making another one?
Guy: (silence)
Girl: What? Is it the same Superman?
Guy: (silence, followed by flabbergasted look on his face)

–Shake-Shack


Nobody's More Antisemitic Than Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: Most people don't realize that Jews are everywhere.

–Tribeca

Overheard by: Nina

Old lady, approaching two people with Michael's Craft store bags: You better not be a Jew, it's the Sabbath. Yeah, you shopped at Michael's, that's why you're so fat.

–97 & Columbus

20-something girl, seeing Hasidic guy get off the train: I bet that guy was dreaming about matzoh.

–L Train

Homeless man to group of girls: Anybody need a husband to take home for the night? I like to cuddle! (quietly) And I'm kosher.

–79th & Broadway

Overheard by: Overheard in UWS


Mama Told Me Not to Come to This Wednesday One-Liner

Man on cell: So… I left my backpack at the private secret robot party last night… Can you pick it up for me?

–Bowery & Spring

Overheard by: Annie

MILF wannabe on cell: On the Hamptons–it has the sexiest parties I've ever been to in the United States: men come up to you! And dance… with you!

–Gansevort Rooftop

Guy on cell: So you know how I wasn't going to the Christmas party? So somebody drags me anyway, and I walk in, and those three girls–all the ones I did it with? Are together at the same table. And I'm like, "shit, man!" So I left.

–Astor Place

30-something girl: Me and my girlfriend went to the bar for an anti-valentines day party last night. You bring a picture of your ex, they rip it up, and give you a free drink!

–7th Ave & 39th

Overheard by: Carolyn


Your Wednesday One-Liners Are Sagging

Man on phone: If I took off my pants and a duck flew out still no one would give a fuck about me.

–W 4th & Mercer

Overheard by: Emlay

Girl on cell: Mom! You don't need pants to get a job!

–72nd & Columbus

Woman on cell: So she's standing in the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton without any pants on!

–8th Ave

White girl: I realized I was the only white person there so I put my pants on and left.

–83rd & 2nd


Wednesdanimal One-Liners

Suit on cell: Most people want their pets painted.

–Prince & Broadway

Drunk guy yelling at busker while being dragged away by police: You see those pigeons? All those pigeons are my lovers!

–Verdi Square

Cop to crazy dude feeding birds: You feed the birds, I'll put you in the zoo!

–Union Square Park

Bratty eight-year-old girl: Aren't there any live animals here?

–Museum of Natural History