Archive for 2012

Mama Told Me Not to Come to This Wednesday One-Liner

Man on cell: So… I left my backpack at the private secret robot party last night… Can you pick it up for me?

–Bowery & Spring

Overheard by: Annie

MILF wannabe on cell: On the Hamptons–it has the sexiest parties I've ever been to in the United States: men come up to you! And dance… with you!

–Gansevort Rooftop

Guy on cell: So you know how I wasn't going to the Christmas party? So somebody drags me anyway, and I walk in, and those three girls–all the ones I did it with? Are together at the same table. And I'm like, "shit, man!" So I left.

–Astor Place

30-something girl: Me and my girlfriend went to the bar for an anti-valentines day party last night. You bring a picture of your ex, they rip it up, and give you a free drink!

–7th Ave & 39th

Overheard by: Carolyn


Your Wednesday One-Liners Are Sagging

Man on phone: If I took off my pants and a duck flew out still no one would give a fuck about me.

–W 4th & Mercer

Overheard by: Emlay

Girl on cell: Mom! You don't need pants to get a job!

–72nd & Columbus

Woman on cell: So she's standing in the lobby of the Ritz-Carlton without any pants on!

–8th Ave

White girl: I realized I was the only white person there so I put my pants on and left.

–83rd & 2nd


Wednesdanimal One-Liners

Suit on cell: Most people want their pets painted.

–Prince & Broadway

Drunk guy yelling at busker while being dragged away by police: You see those pigeons? All those pigeons are my lovers!

–Verdi Square

Cop to crazy dude feeding birds: You feed the birds, I'll put you in the zoo!

–Union Square Park

Bratty eight-year-old girl: Aren't there any live animals here?

–Museum of Natural History


Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor in robotic voice: Once again, humans, this is your digital conductor speaking. Step in and do not block the doorways.

–F Train

Train conductor: The next stop on this train will be the next.

–A Train

Conductor: The next station is Manhasset. Please ignore the computer man.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor, after train sputtered: Due to signal problems, we'll be going in a start and stop fashion. (pause) And heeere we go, ready? Ready? Aaand, there we are… (repeats several times) And next week this train will be in Great Adventure, but for now, exchange place!

–PATH Train

Overheard by: Mickey


Snoop Wednesday-One-Linergg

Girl outside of bar, to another: If I was a dog and you walked me, I would want you to put a sweater on me.

–85th St & 2nd

Overheard by: Bunni

Girl on phone, getting into taxi outside ferry: No, I don't think he's a serial killer… He adopted a dog from the animal shelter.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: V

Woman, about neighbor's noisy dog: One day I'm just going to throw poison meat over that fence.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: John

Woman to man, about dog: Didn't he poop out a mitten once? Am I remembering that story correctly?

–85th & 2nd


The Wind in the Wednesday One-Liners

Guy in bar to friend: You know what really sucks about the breakup? It took me two years to be able to fart in front of my girlfriend, and now I have to start all over again, holding them in.

–Bar, Times Square

Really drunk guy to herd of other really drunk guys: I was covered in the snow. Pooping and farting.

–13th & 3rd

Overheard by: Jenna

Suit to another: By the way, her farts are terrible.

–Central Park Boathouse

Crazy man to himself: I farted. It's New Year's Eve and I farted.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Max


Wednesday One-Liners With Blue Hair

NYU young lady on cell, stopping dead in her tracks: Wait a minute. You mean grandma… Isn't really grandma?

–Broadway & Waverly

Overheard by: T. Myers

Tall black man in short shorts, on cell, walking two dalmatians: And I'll never forget what my grandma said to me. She said, "you can't just do that to the dog!"

–9th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Grant

Thug to another: I spent six months in there and I was goin' out of my mind. Niggaz is shittin' in the hallway, and I'm all like, "I'm gonna bring my grandmother up in here?"

–112th & Lexington

Tween boy flirting with girl: So… your great-grandmother is old, huh?

–Atlantic & Fulton

Overheard by: Cat Von D