Archive for 2012

That Just Means You're Drugging Them Too Much

Suit #1: I really enjoy a little something in the morning before I leave for work.
Suit #2: Yeah, but for some reason the the hot chicks don't wake up early.

–6th Ave & 40th St

Overheard by: kevin

Um, Yeah, That's the Very Definition Of “Ballin'”

Stranger #1: Ooh, your daughter is so cute!
Proud mother: Thank you, she just got her very first cup of hot chocolate.
Stranger #1: Oh my gosh, that's a big deal! Do you like it honey?
Little girl: Mmm-hmm! (sips hot chocolate)
Stranger #2, at a different table: So you know you're ballin' when your first cup of hot chocolate is in the East Village at a hipster cafe where even the napkins are organic.

–East Village Cafe

…Upside Down.

Hipster girl on cell loudly: Courtney! I have to pee so bad! I'm going to wet my pants!
Hipster dude, walking by: You're wearing a dress, sweetie.

–Bedford & N. 6th St.

I've Always Said New York Was a City Of Assholes

Husband: You fuckin crazy? I wouldn't even buy bottled water in New York. Plain fucking dirty!
Wife: Yeah. I bet you washed your funky ass this morning.
Husband: So what! Apparently everyone else smells the same.

–Times Square

And You Thought Lady Macbeth Was Obsessed with a Spot…

Plump gay guy #1, walking with overloaded bags of groceries, sweating: Hey, there's a space right there!
Plump gay guy #2, walking beside him with equally overloaded bags of groceries, sweating: Where?
Plump gay guy #1: Right there! (tries to lift bag of groceries to point across street at the same time)
Plump gay guy #2: (starts running across street towards empty parking space)
Plump gay guy #1, yelling: What the hell are you doing, dumbshit?!
Pump gay guy #2, defensively: I'm going to reserve the spot!
Plump gay guy #1, loudly: No!! Go get the car!!
(plump gay guy #2 changes direction and starts running up the street with overloaded bags of groceries, breathing heavily)
Plump gay guy #1
: I swear, you're dumber than a box of rocks!

–Upper West Side

Reminds Me Of Parliament

English tourist #1: Oh, shall we go into the creepy dead animal store?
English tourist #2, very seriously: Definitely.

–Outside Evolution Store, Spring St., Soho

Overheard by: Just Derek

Plus, It Upsets the Other People I Sleep With

Attractive 20-something #1: I guess some people want to keep a picture of their boyfriend on their bedside table.
Attractive 20-something #2: Not me!
Attractive 20-something #1: I know, right? It seems creepy. Like he's watching you sleep or something.

–Uptown 1 Train

Um, We Live in the Same House.

Five-year-old boy: And then we learned that on Christmas Jesus died-ed, I think. Jesus likes trees and sparkly lights.
Little sister, with mouth open in shock: You have the same Christmas I do!

–Q Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny

What a Coincidence– I Was in the Homegirl Scouts!

Clean-cut black guy: If she messes with me I'm going to put her in a ditch.
Big-boned mixed chick: No, you're not! You're too nice for that.
Clean-cut black guy: Don't you know? I was in the thug scouts as a kid!
Big-boned mixed chick, snickering: Oh, yeah?
Clean-cut black guy, thinking wistfully: Absolutely! Our motto was “yay, yay, bitch”! My first merit badge was for being gangsta! I believe it said “I will cut you, fool” on it…

–Cambria Heights, Queens

Isn't That a Little Gay?

Teen #1 shopping in supermarket, to friends: I'm just saying fuck that fucking ass-cock!
Teen #2: Yo, son! Chill with all that loud ass cursing.
Teen #1: Nigga, I don't give a fuck; bitch, fuck, titties, cock, ass, bitch, motherfucker! Fuck pussy ass bitches that don't respect this lil ganster-nigga here! You feel me?!
Teen #2: Okay.
Teen #1 to supermarket worker: Get back to work, nigga, or I'll slap you with my dick and piss on your carrots!

–Pioneer Supermarket, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ricanvelli