Archive for 2012

…About Me

Man: I'm really liking the bible right now.
Woman: Oh yeah? Which part?
Man: Just the stuff Jesus said.

–Metropolitan Museum


…For Instance, “Soy Estúpida”

Young woman #1: Have you eaten there before? (points to restaurant across the street)
Young woman #2: Yeah, it's pretty good. And it's all organic.
Young woman #1: That's cool.
Young woman #2: Yeah, I eat a lot of soy, and most organic stuff is made of soy.

–74th & Amsterdam Ave


Fucking Economy

Comedy ticket seller to girl in suit: Hey! Have you ever dated a communist?
Girl in suit: (ignores him)
Comedy ticket seller, louder: Hey! Have you ever dated a communist!?
Girl in suit: (ignores him)
Comedy ticket seller, muttering to himself: Damn it, another hot chick that doesn't speak English.
Girl in suit: Actually, I do, but I've been in heels for over ten hours and don't understand why dating a communist has anything to do with your attempt at comedy. (walks away)
Comedy ticket seller, muttering to himself: You might be right.

–Times Square


Walt Whitman Certainly Would Have Approved

Man #1, watching squirrel carrying a bone: What happened, Mr. Squirrel? Where's that nut you used to eat?
Man #2: He don't like nuts no more.
(they laugh)
Man #1
: He done graduated to fried chicken. Ain't no vegetarian no more.

(they laugh)
Man #1
: He spent a couple nights in the projects. Walked in with a nut, walked out with a bone.

(more laughs)

–N. Portland & Myrtle Ave., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Gregory Smith


“Nude Descending a Wednesday One-Liner”

Man to date, seriously, looking at service door next to Jackson Pollock's painting: It looks like a door or something.

–MoMA, 4th Floor

Overheard by: Eric Arévalo

Man to girlfriend: We have a lot of differences! When I say "Rubens" you think of the painter, and I think of a sandwich!

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: Greer Feick

Man to security guard: Excuse me, could you tell me where I can find the Mona Lisa?

–The Metropolitan Museum of Art

Asian tween gal, in breathless monologue to boy pal: So you know I want to be an anime artist. But maybe I'll have to study cartooning. Which isn't anime, but anyway. Maybe I'll have to go to art school. Because you know what they say about anime, it comes from, you know, art…

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman to boyfriend, in reference to Willem de Kooning's "Woman, I": It's like neon PMS.

–MoMA, 4th Floor

Overheard by: Eric Arevalo


Wednesday One-Liners Say “Fuck Seatbelts!”

Bus driver: You and your family have a blessed weekend. And remember, you are going to drink, drink a lot.

–Downtown Alliance Shuttle Bus

Overheard by: dara

Bus driver: Step to the back of the bus, please! We have coffee and jelly donuts in the back. We also have gin and tonic, only for the intelligent people who move to the back of the bus!

–M96 Crosstown Bus

Overheard by: BananaBerger

Shuttle bus driver, opening doors: Come, my people!

–Ocean Ave & Newkirk

Overheard by: Jon A.

Bus driver to friend, at intersection, in the pouring rain and bad driving conditions: This is where I got into a huge fender bender, right here in this intersection!

–S53 Bus

Overheard by: ALerns

MTA bus driver: Okay, it looks like we're going the wrong way. We'll have to get back on the BQE. This is the scenic route.

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: woow


Wednesday One-Liners Are As American As Apple Pie

Chick walking briskly with male companion: I'd rather have a male, you know? They're like, "oh, it's a delicate flower!" whereas a female is like, "oh, I have that, too" and they just stick their arm in there and go to town…

–107th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Gay guy to friends: The vagina is not pretty.

–50th St

Overheard by: erkala

Hipster to friend: Her pussy hair was blonde… I've never seen that before.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lindsey

Thug on cell: It's six days into the new year, and I haven't got no pussy yet!

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: Nathan Quattrinni

Man to woman: Engineers don't chase pussy!

–Brooklyn


Is It Just Us, or Are These Wednesday One-Liners Kinda Flaming?

Brunette with heavy Brooklyn accent: Ever since my hair caught on fire last year, Easter makes me nervous.

–St. Nicholas Greek Orthodox Church, 65th St

Young woman on cell: Great! If the car is on fire above ground, you should be totally fine!

–Think Coffee, Bowery & Bleecker

Man: Yo, you gotta match? Gotta match? Give you a dolla for a match. No match? This used to be fucking Bay Ridge. What the fuck.

–Bay Ridge Ave

Guy to another: You know, man, when I was a kid I always wondered why firemen had axes. I was like, you can't chop down a fire right?

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wes

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, due to signal problems, a sick passenger, a track fire, and the weather, we are experiencing delays.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Which came first?


Wednesday Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-Liiiiiners!

Crazy man in top hat and scarf, singing: It's gonna be the best, best, best, best, best day ever!

–8th Ave

Overheard by: Lauren

Delivery guy pushing trolley, singing to self: Push it, push it real good.

–4th St & Lafayette

Guy trying to pass out his demo CD, singing: Swinger / song-biter!

–Soho

Homeless singer, curtailing lyrics to his mostly Hispanic audience: You might wake up in the morning… And find a chupacabra sittin' on yo' heh eh ead! (now speaking) Anybody got a dollar?

–A Train

Well-dressed black guy, singing up and down train crowded with hipsters: Ain't no such thing as stress when your parents are paying your rent! It's hard work looking so cool, but it don't matter 'cause daddy done paid for school. Ain't no such thing as stress! Don't worry about your rent! Drinking PBR, working on your art, talking 'bout resent. If don't matter if daddy's paying the rent!

–L Train