Archive for 2012

…Upside Down.

Hipster girl on cell loudly: Courtney! I have to pee so bad! I'm going to wet my pants!
Hipster dude, walking by: You're wearing a dress, sweetie.

–Bedford & N. 6th St.


I've Always Said New York Was a City Of Assholes

Husband: You fuckin crazy? I wouldn't even buy bottled water in New York. Plain fucking dirty!
Wife: Yeah. I bet you washed your funky ass this morning.
Husband: So what! Apparently everyone else smells the same.

–Times Square


And You Thought Lady Macbeth Was Obsessed with a Spot…

Plump gay guy #1, walking with overloaded bags of groceries, sweating: Hey, there's a space right there!
Plump gay guy #2, walking beside him with equally overloaded bags of groceries, sweating: Where?
Plump gay guy #1: Right there! (tries to lift bag of groceries to point across street at the same time)
Plump gay guy #2: (starts running across street towards empty parking space)
Plump gay guy #1, yelling: What the hell are you doing, dumbshit?!
Pump gay guy #2, defensively: I'm going to reserve the spot!
Plump gay guy #1, loudly: No!! Go get the car!!
(plump gay guy #2 changes direction and starts running up the street with overloaded bags of groceries, breathing heavily)
Plump gay guy #1
: I swear, you're dumber than a box of rocks!


–Upper West Side


Reminds Me Of Parliament

English tourist #1: Oh, shall we go into the creepy dead animal store?
English tourist #2, very seriously: Definitely.

–Outside Evolution Store, Spring St., Soho

Overheard by: Just Derek


Plus, It Upsets the Other People I Sleep With

Attractive 20-something #1: I guess some people want to keep a picture of their boyfriend on their bedside table.
Attractive 20-something #2: Not me!
Attractive 20-something #1: I know, right? It seems creepy. Like he's watching you sleep or something.

–Uptown 1 Train


Um, We Live in the Same House.

Five-year-old boy: And then we learned that on Christmas Jesus died-ed, I think. Jesus likes trees and sparkly lights.
Little sister, with mouth open in shock: You have the same Christmas I do!

–Q Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: ABrooklynBaby'sNanny


What a Coincidence– I Was in the Homegirl Scouts!

Clean-cut black guy: If she messes with me I'm going to put her in a ditch.
Big-boned mixed chick: No, you're not! You're too nice for that.
Clean-cut black guy: Don't you know? I was in the thug scouts as a kid!
Big-boned mixed chick, snickering: Oh, yeah?
Clean-cut black guy, thinking wistfully: Absolutely! Our motto was “yay, yay, bitch”! My first merit badge was for being gangsta! I believe it said “I will cut you, fool” on it…

–Cambria Heights, Queens


Isn't That a Little Gay?

Teen #1 shopping in supermarket, to friends: I'm just saying fuck that fucking ass-cock!
Teen #2: Yo, son! Chill with all that loud ass cursing.
Teen #1: Nigga, I don't give a fuck; bitch, fuck, titties, cock, ass, bitch, motherfucker! Fuck pussy ass bitches that don't respect this lil ganster-nigga here! You feel me?!
Teen #2: Okay.
Teen #1 to supermarket worker: Get back to work, nigga, or I'll slap you with my dick and piss on your carrots!

–Pioneer Supermarket, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ricanvelli


…About Me

Man: I'm really liking the bible right now.
Woman: Oh yeah? Which part?
Man: Just the stuff Jesus said.

–Metropolitan Museum


Hipsters Have Jobs?

Subway preacher: When you get home tonight, stay off of Facebook and open up this book (holds up enormous bible). This brother here may be shaking his head, but get to know Jesus Christ while there's still time.
Black hipster: It's too early for this white Jesus shit, man. Don't even start with that. I need a job, man. Not Jesus. A job. Is Jesus gonna give me a job?

–Uptown A Train

Overheard by: Special K