I Told You Hobos Can’t Close

Homeless man: Can anyone spare some change for a homeless man? Can anyone spare a penny, nickel, or dime? Penny, nickel, or dime? Subway doors close. Homeless man: Oh, shit, wait, I got to get off this train! Get out of my way! Subway rider: You’re not going to get much with that sales pitch. –N train, Queensborough Plaza Overheard by: Josh Shurtleff

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Clerk: Man, people stink. That’s why I’m saying, ‘You want a friend, get a dog. Name it Chico. Only thing Chico won’t do for you is open his own can of dog food.’

–Duane Reade

Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin’ with those extreme titties!

–Bar, 5th Ave, Park Slope

Happy hobo: I’m in Manhattan! I’m walkin’ down Prince Street! Hey, now I’m crossin’ Sullivan! Uh-oh, time to make a sound like a dog — woof! Woof! Woof!

–Soho

White girl on cell: DMX got in trouble for fighting dogs too? No, of course I didn’t know that. Where the fuck would you get the idea that I know what DMX does with his spare time?

–114th & Broadway

JAP: I never told her the dog licked her vibrator.

–Coffee shop, Union Square