You Can See Wednesday's One-Liners from the Back

Girl on phone with mom: It was the worst day of my life! Ducky and Phil were both in the car smoking, thinking they were above the law and shit. And I know the cops were just questioning me because I had big boobs.

–1 Train

Girl: Hold on, you're garotting your boob.

–170th St & Audubon Ave

Large black woman on cell phone: It doesn't my fault he was sucking on my titties in the club…

–Penn Station

Gay design student to female friend: You'll get to meet Ryan, the guy I have a crush on. He's doing the costume designs, so he's gonna touch your boobs and stuff. Get excited.

–Union Square

Skinny black dude on cell entering office tower: Yes, youse is fat… But you got big soft titties.

–54th & 6th

Overheard by: Gregorian Chant

Isn’t It Time You Talked to Your Kids About Wednesday One-Liners?

Creepster: Hey there… do you like drugs? … How about Gandhi?

–Chambers &and West Broadway

Girl on cell: So I opened the envelope on the train… Yeah it was heroin.

–W 46th Ave

Bum: Excuse me! Hey, hey! Excuse me! Check it out! I am going to smoke crack all fucking night, and there isn’t anything anyone can do about it, because that’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to smoke so much crack!

–West 4th at Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Cory

Guy to hungover girl: Everyday you look more and more like you do heroin.

–Relish Bar & Grill

Preppy dude: I like doing drugs too much to be a Buddhist.

–Arlene’s Grocery

Mom to ten-year-old son: … But that’s like saying heroin is the only drug to try!

–14th St & 9th Ave

I Got 99 Problems (But a Wednesday One-Liner Ain’t One)

Guy on phone: Listen, dude. Whenever you hang out with me again, don’t bring your wife. She’s a bitch.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Maria

Homeless man on cell: The brother needs to know when to wear a rubber, man. That’s some easy pussy. The bitch just needs a crib to bang in.

–Lafayette & Broadway

Queer: That bitch called me and was like, ‘I swallowed a bunch of pills.’ And I’m like, ‘Obviously that shit didn’t work, now did it — if your ass is calling me? You need to get yourself into the Drano. I’ll wait on the line while you do.’

–W 4th & 6th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Gangster girl to gangster boyfriend: I hope I don’t have to fight nobody on this train or else I’ll go Jet Li on this bitch.

–D Train

Overheard by: Kate

Woman: Stand clear of the closing doors. Please don’t hold the doors unless you wanna get bitch-slapped.

–A Train

Overheard by: Josh H

Black man on cell: Alright, you go take a shower and wash that kitty cat real good. [Hangs up] Right, that bitch never fuckin’ do nothin’.

–Metro North train to Grand Central

Overheard by: pepepepepe!

Eight-year-old girl trying to catch up to group of girls her age: Wait up, bitches! Wait up, you bitches! [Girls don’t wait for her] Beeyotches!

–91st & 2nd

…And She Just Got Out Of Rehab Again

Black father, explaining white Cabbage Patch kid to young daughter: This is Karen Whitey. She has a trust fund.
Mom, looking at box: Her name's Katrina.

–Target, Atlantic Avenue