Wednesdays Are One-Lineier Than Justin Bieber

NYU girl: If he were cute, then he would be really cute.

–Washington Square Park

Overweight girl on cell: You gotta have cute friends if you're cute. (pause) No, all my friends were cute in college. (long pause) Oh yeah, that's right, I forgot about that. (pause) Well, that was college. Besides, he was gay.

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: rick

Girl, after seeing Sondheim on Sondheim: I didn't like him before, but now I want Stephen Joshua Sondheim, to like, be my grandfather. He's so cute! I want him to sit in my living room and play the piano.

–Grove St.

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Girl on cell: It was such a cute town and I couldn't think of anything better than getting arrested in it!

–Central Park


Wednesday One-Liners Invest in the Biotech Industry

Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.

–FAO Schwartz

40-ish man on cell: I bought this bitch sneakers and Tims, and I ain’t even seen no pussy!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Mary D

Old man: That’s when I knew that bitch was the bitch for me.

–84th & 1st

Overheard by: Mikey

Pretentious professor with ponytail: Bitch could convey everything with an ellipsis…

–69th & Columbus

Won’t You Please Donate to Help These Poor Victims of Time Travel?

Shirtless old guy, walking over to a group of friends: Looks like you got a nice circle there, mind if I join you guys?
Stranger: No, I think we’re good…
Shirtless old guy: Well, I’ll be back…[looks up at the trees.] Do you see the pterodactyls? …up there, the dinosaurs? [Wakes up a hobo on the benches.] Sir, you see them, don’t you? …pterodactyls…pkawww pkawww [flaps his arms.]
[back to the group of friends]
I’ll be back. pkawww!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Arvind Chandra

I Think She Just Came Out…

Rashad: That’s not the new Rashad. That’s the old Rashad. I don’t do that anymore! I wouldn’t date the old Rashad. I wouldn’t date me at all. I’m dating you!
Girlfriend: Then what am I doing with you?
Rashad: Come on, like you would date you?
Girlfriend: Yes! –72nd & 2nd

Wednesday One-liners Are in the Wrong Line of Work

Jamaican lady: You fucker! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them dealers because they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your employee? Fuck you, brush your teeth! –F train Overheard by: z0mb13 Guy on cell: I’m off today. I ran over one of the kids with the bus. –72nd & 1st Overheard by: Todd Horan Trader: I’m almost wishing to come back in my next life as the Jewish wife of a Jewish husband. –Madison Avenue office Man on cell: She’s got a summer job editing Harlequin romance novels. Yeah, which goes so well with…you know…her divinity degree. –118th & Broadway Security guard: One of my feet has five fingers less than the other one, but I don’t claim disability. I work three jobs: model, actor and security guard, I’m not stopping until I make fifty-two million. –F train Overheard by: Nico Westerdale Store chick: I’m just sampling the food so I can explain to customers why it’s so expensive. –Whole Foods, Union Square Overheard by: jexe

Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.

–Broadway & Houston

Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.

–80th St & 34th Ave

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.

–83rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: new girl in town

Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?

–7 Train

Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.

–125th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Stephen