Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson

Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other

Employee: Ma’am, can I help you?
Woman: I’d like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3…
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She’ll take 6.

–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse

Only in Microsoft Word

Woman #1, in clown makeup and garb, being filmed: Do you ever feel you're turning into a fairy?
Woman #2, in similar makeup and trapeze garb: Uh… No, not really. (acts intently interested)
Woman #1: I don't know, I guess… It's like that myth, where the man with the mask… He wears it so often, it becomes his face. (pause) That's me, with my character.
Woman #2: You don't have more than one character?

–Ferryboat, Staten Island

Overheard by: eliza ahern

Wednesday Takes It Up the One-Liner

Rotund black woman, to no one in particular: I like a hood nigga,. I like a nigga to dick me in the butt while I’m smoking a blunt.

–West Village

Loud Jamaican man yelling to friend: When I stick my penis up your butt, there ain’t no turnin’ back! You’re gonna have hemorrhoids!

–25th & 7th

Overheard by: Becka

Dude: … And then she wouldn’t even shake my hand. I mean, I’ve had my dick in your ass, and you won’t even shake my hand? What kind of shit is that?

–F train

Tween to friends: I told him, ‘If it don’t fit in my mouth, it won’t fit in my butt.’

–Bx9 bus, Kingsbridge Terrace

Overheard by: Krisztina

Angry student: He fucked me in the ass, okay? In the ass!

–NYU