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Wednesday One-Liners Have Gender Trouble
Old Jewess on cell: Carla is going to be there, too...You've met Carla...You met her the other week. She was the one with the penis.
--77th & 2nd
Overheard by: Joseph
Considerate guy: Hey, man, don't burst his bubble. If it ain't a man, it ain't a man.
--Outside 10th Precinct, W 20th St
Voice on intercom: Sir, that's the women's restroom. Sir...Sir...Stop!
--Times Square
Drunk guy: Well, it was either a real ugly woman or a guy with man-boobs.
--F train
Drunk dude to girl: Wow, you're the prettiest man I've ever seen.
--Women's bathroom, Saloon, 83rd & York
Overheard by: Aaron
Little girl, staring at the Statue of Liberty: Who's he supposed to be?
--Circle Line
Overheard by: emily
Young guy: ...so, technically, I'm lactating. Technically.
--Central Park
In the Winter She Smells Like Yellow Snow
Little kid to mom: You smell!
Mom: Yeah, that's New York in the summer.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cody
This Was at the Heart of the Dispute Between Edison and Tesla
Queer #1: Ann and Leslie are here.
Queer #2: Shit, are they lesbians?
Queer #1: Yeah.
Queer #2: Uh, I'm a D.C. gay. I don't hang out with lesbians.
--3rd & B
Wednesday One-Liners Burn, Baby, Burn
Queer: Hanging out with him is like doing charity work.
--Christopher & Bleecker
Overheard by: J. Ann
Ghetto girl to thug: You can't touch this. Keep reminiscin', mothafucka.
--106th & Columbus
Overheard by: Shmoop
Guy on cell: I'll be real with you, man. I know more than you. I know a lot more than you.
--17th & 5th
Altruist: He's really nice so I just fake it sometimes.
--Elevator, 120 Wall St
Overheard by: Aubrie
Teen girl: She did what? Oh my God, she is, like, so off my top 8.
--1 train
Queer: Well, I do like the person you want to be.
--Washington & Charles
Loud chick: Who knows how he lucked out into marrying her? I'm just always thinking, lady, you are hot, and yet you married an Ewok.
--Starbucks, 71st & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
A Bird in Hand is Worth Two in the Bush
Paparazzo: So you two are really pretty, have you ever done any modeling?
Dutch girl #1: Ha ha ha, not me, maybe her.
Dutch girl #2: No, I am studying history at home.
Paparazzo: You really should consider it, there is great money in it and I would love to help you get started.
Dutch girl #2: Sounds interesting...what type of modeling?
Paparazzo: Well, nude sells the best. We can go over to my place and discuss it.
Dutch girl #1: Great!
Dutch girl #2: Maybe you can take some of us together.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stephanie Nally
And Their Sideways Pussies
Mother: See, it says these are endangered deer from China.
Tween daughter: I guess they are from China. Look at their slanty eyes!
--Bronx Zoo
Overheard by: Nina Drummond
So You Can't Even Tell Them From Americans Anymore
Teenage girl: I really admire immigrants...even though most of them are criminals.
--Times Square
Overheard by: intern
Fun with the Homeless
New York's Friendliest Hobo: Your hair looks nice. MISS! YOUR HAIR LOOKS GOOD!
--Midtown
Overheard by: Megan Buckley
Wednesday One-Liners Still Can't Get Over Joey Picking Pacey (That Dumb Bitch)
Girl on cell: We got Chinese cable because it was cheaper than the cheap cable...Yeah, it's all in Chinese...Whatever. As long as I watch things that I've already seen, I don't need to actually know what they're saying.
--N train, Astoria
Queer, on cell: Have you seen Victoria's boyfriend lately? He looks great. She's better than Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
--Eckerd, Astoria
Mother, to kids: Sorry we just missed the fireworks, guys. It's okay, though. I TiVoed it at home just in case.
--79th St entrance, FDR
Tourist, after eagerly struggling for camera air-time: You know what, Ma, I don't think we're gonna be able to watch this -- it only airs today.
--Taping of the Today Show, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Stephen and Allison
Girl: Well, today they had a woman who was born a man who married a man who was born a woman, so don't shit on Maury Povich!
--New York Public Library
Overheard by: Actually READING at the Library
Guy: Sweet Sixteen? That show makes me understand terrorism.
--114th & Broadway
Or Worse, in the Next Book
Girl: We had this huge fight. It was awful. All the screaming and stuff and public.
Guy: Really? In the street and stuff?
Girl: Yeah. It's so embarassing.
Guy: Wow. You'll probably end up on that Overheard site.
--Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Waiting in Line
Yes, Jessica, the Ones From the Sea
Girl #1: That falafel was super good! What's it made out of?
Girl #2: Chickpeas.
Girl #1: Oh. You mean, like, from chickens?
--East Village
Overheard by: S.
... Mom
Lady: You're making me wet... I SAID you're making me wet.
Man: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.
Lady: With your umbrella.
Man: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.
--1 train
Overheard by: Sloane
Wednesday One-Liners Are a Good Source of Protein
Little boy, to passerby: That's why I ejaculated in your mom's nose!
--Prospect Park, Brooklyn
Chick: See, I don't like the idea of drinking semen not directly from the cock.
--Harlem
Overheard by: McN
Because They Chose to Go to Boston
Tourist girl #1: Stop acting like a tourist!
Tourist girl #2: But I am a tourist!
Tourist girl #1: But it's embarrassing.
Tourist girl #2: If you're embarrassed over what a ton of people you've never seen before and never will see again think, you're never going to have any fun. Tourists are allowed to act like dorks.
Tourist girl #1: Then why do you make fun of tourists in Boston?
--Doubletree Metropolitan Hotel, Lexington Avenue
Kinda Leaves a Bad Taste in Your Mouth, Though
Man: You finally made it.
Woman: Yeah... by the time I wake up, get ready, drive to the train station, take the train, then take the subway to get here all for a ten-minute interview... it's, like, a total rim job.
Man: Ummm... at least you made it.
--50th & 7th
Whatever Happened to Debbie Gibson?
Middle aged guy: So she makes six figures, she's 40, and she lives at home with her mother?
Middle aged woman: Can you believe it? She has a son, too, but he lives on his own. Can you fucking believe that?
Middle aged guy: Jesus!
--2 train
Overheard by: Mike Sidoti
Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Fries With That
Very large man, pointing at a McDonald's: Where were you last night at 3 a.m. when I was craving you?
--49th & 9th
Man wearing an "I Heart My Heart" shirt, to guy eating fast food: You're just aching for that heart attack, aren't you?
--46th & Broadway
Angry burger flipper: Making Big Macs is complex. It's 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun...And then it gets even more confusing, 'cause people all have their special requests, like no special sauce. And that just throws shit off. The Whopper is so easy. It don't have shit on us.
--M11 bus
Asian girl, screaming into cell: I said, "Quiero Taco Bell!"
--33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Kelsey
Foreign tourist to cabbie: How much to go to K...F...C?
--Broadway between 38th & 39th
Overheard by: Gregorio
Wasn't This an Eddie Murphy Skit?
Hobo: You're all a bunch of cheap people!
Conductor: This is Myrtle Avenue, Wyckoff Avenue. All the cheap people are getting off here.
--M train
Overheard by: Cait O'Connor
Nor Should You Have Confirmed It For Us Publicly
Chick #1: So was he cute?
Chick #2: He was cute enough.
Chick #1: What does that mean?
Chick #2: I mean, like, I wouldn't lick his butt or anything.
Chick #1: Ew!
Chick #2: Oh, like you never licked a guy's butt!
Chick #1: I should never have told you that.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Overheard by: Manhattman
Wednesday One-Liners Ride a Vespa
Hipster on cell: I'm not even buying anything. I'm just here to be seen.
--Trader Joe's
Hipster boy: I loves me some master race!
--Lobby, the Met
Overheard by: Shayna
Tipsy hipster girl: Wine is so, like, the blood of the gods!
--W 4th & Christopher St
Hipster guy: I think the most truly good person who's ever been on this earth was Gandhi. Or maybe Martin Luther King, Junior... But he was black.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Ghandi was Indian..
Drunk chick: What kind of hipsters are you that you won't fuck a girl just because she wants to wear a Sailor Moon costume?
--St. Mark's Pl
Go There and See
Dad: Do you guys want Turkish food for dinner?
Teen girl: Yeah, I'm down.
Dad: ...Is that good...or bad?
--83rd & Columbus
Overheard by: Sydney
You're a Real New Yorker When You Don't
Girl #1: I haven't seen our homeless guy lately.
Girl #2: We have a homeless guy?
Girl #1: Yeah, the guy who lives on that mattress under our building.
Girl #2: Oh yeah...I hope he's okay, I haven't seen him all week.
Girl #1: You know you're a New Yorker when you worry about where your homeless guy is.
--27th between 5th & Madison
Overheard by: Lauren Lerner
We Can Get Those Two Chicks. They Seemed Interested in Some Hot Dogs and Beer.
Bus driver stops in the middle of the street, opens the door, and yells out: Hey! I called you last night, why you didn't answer? Yeah, I'm working now...What you doing this weekend? Wanna go fishing? Let's do barbeque. What? Yeah, yeah, man, let's get some barbeque going. Okay, I have to work now. I'll call you later tonight.
--Bell Boulevard, Queens
Wednesday One-Liners Think 'Un' Is Also a Kind of Faithful
Ghetto guy: She know she got a man, but she'll still gimme some. She know that!
--7 train
Young woman, screaming at young man: I dare you to fuck someone else again! I dare you!... You better not fuck anyone else! You better not!
--Hoyt-Schermerhorn station, Brooklyn
Queer on cell: Since when has your gaping hole decided to be faithful to your boyfriend?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Keith
Walking VD: When I first met you seven months ago I was kinda in another relationship. But now that that's over, wanna get back in bed?
--32nd & 7th
Cop: So I'm fucking his wife for 6 years, and now he complains!
--238th & Broadway
Overheard by: Miriam
Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other
Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse
Ditto
Guy #1: Okay...Wow...This one time in Madison I was so drunk...I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That's all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison--I pulled my groin muscle there--then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn't walk.
Guy #2: What...the fuck...?
--B1 bus
Overheard by: Justin Fores
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
But We Could Have a Threesome
Guy: I'm in love!
Girl: Awwww.
Guy: With marijuana.
Girl: Oh.
--18th & 10th
Overheard by: John K
Eternal Silence is Eternal Consent
Chick: Are you saying you would have anal sex with my lifeless body?
Guy: No. No, I'm not. I'm insinuating it.
--111th & Broadway
Overheard by: djlindee
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
It's a Great Way to Pick Up the Mothers of My Future Fetuses
Ghetto Girl: I wonder how come you don't see more men here...
Gangsta #1: Shit, 'cause they ain't got patience for this shit. I been here for four hours!
Gangsta #2: Yo nigga, that's why I go shopping.
--Planned Parenthood waiting room, Bleecker St
Ran Out of Cheeks to Turn
God Squad man: Jesus saves! Books $1 only.
Guy: Fuck Jesus.
God Squad man: Fuck your mother...and your father. Jesus saves people. Books, $1.
--34th Street B/D/F/V/N/Q/R/W station
Overheard by: j-mo
Congrats, You're Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry
British bitch on cell: I'm surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can't even read. They haven't had a Latin education and they probably can't even speak another language...I didn't want to get a limo to take to the fuckin' ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn't want to take a cab because these uneducated people don't understand directions. I didn't want to spend $30 and not get to the right place...Please make sure my car gets fixed. I've been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I'm dressed like a commoner. I didn't want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn't been cleaned...She's letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can't afford to be there, they obviously don't deserve to come.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Christine
How T-Shirt Magazine Was Born
Clerk #1: I've always wanted to start my own magazine.
Clerk #2: Yeah, but there are so many magazines out!
Clerk #3: I've always wanted to start my own T-shirt company.
--American Apparel, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by:
Your Mobile Is Kind of Crappy
Girl in stall: Oh, shit, I dropped my phone in the toilet!
The phone rings.
Girl in stall: And how the hell am I supposed to answer that now?!
--2nd Ave Deli bathroom
Overheard by: Rue Silver
Oh, He's a Member All Right
Girl: You staring at me?
Guy: Yeah, but only 'cause you look so fine.
Girl: True. But you can stop checking me out now. These aren't public titties, they're private titties. For select audiences only, and you're not a member.
--A train
Kids Say the Stupidest Things
Two boys were playing on a fire escape.
Boy #1: Okay. Now I'll be the policeman, and you be the fireworks on Coney Island.
--Windsor Terrace
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Wednesday One-Liners Mention the Unmentionables
Man, pointing at window display: That'll make a nice gift for the wife: a pair of underwear that say "SALE" across the ass. Classy.
--Outside Victoria's Secret, Herald Square
Overheard by: sean
Hipster chick: Quite frankly I'd rather wash all my bras tonight.
--F train
Overheard by: braincurve
Woman to five elderly ladies: All right, ladies, put your underwear on and let's go.
--L&B Spumoni Gardens, 86th St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Chick on cell: So how long did it take the four of you to find your bra the next morning?
--Harlem
Overheard by: Jess is hot.
Girl on cell: I am so not letting my underwear go on a date with his underwear.
--Prince & Broadway
He Totally Got the Vanilla
Fratboy: This one is awesome. Chicks love it....or, um, dudes, if you're into that kind of thing.
Suit: I am, thank you.
Fratboy: Awesome. Good save, huh?
Suit: Yeah. Thanks for the recommendation.
Fratboy: Anytime.
--Vintage New York, 93rd & Broadway
Please God, Let Her Have Been Speaking Literally
Lesbian #1: Do you think she's a trannie?
Lesbian #2: I don't know. Would you still do her if she was?
Lesbian #1: She's so hot that it wouldn't even matter.
Lesbian #2: Then can you let me off the hook for sleeping with that
hermaphrodite?
--Long Island City
Those Are Totally Knockoffs
Bags woman: Ladies...Gucci, Prada, Louis! Ladies...
Hot dog guy: Ladies, get your Gucci hot dogs here...Prada hot dogs!
--Canal & Broadway
Overheard by: Lori
The Flaming Idiocy Surely Contributed
Woman: You know, on 9/11 I was the only person in lower Manhattan who wasn't coughing and tearing up. My husband, he had a handkerchief over his mouth and all the visine and shit and I was like, "Bring it on! This tastes good!" You know why? 'Cause I'm a smoker.
--MSG elevator
If It's Invisible, Might As Well Make It a Cell
A hobo is talking into his hand as if it were a phone.
Hobo: Fuck that shit. I'm going dancing!
He hangs up his imaginary phone.
Hobo: Damn, that bitch talks too much.
--Staten Island ferry
Julie London?
Tween girl: It so smells like London out today.
Hippie chick: What does London smell like?
Tween girl: Really damp.
--10th St & Greenwich
Overheard by: Intimidated by children
There's Just No Pleasing a Woman
Chick #1: Look, this one lights up and oh, there's a bunny on the
end.
Chick #2: In case the orgasm wasn't enough?
--Toys in Babeland, Mercer Street
Posted 2006-02-06 |