You Should Swim

Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.

--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th

More of a Guideline, Really

Man #1: ... And sometimes you want to drink in the office.
Man #2: Yeah, I mean, sometimes -- why not? But that's a slippery slope.
Man #1: Well, the general rule of thumb is don't drink and trade.

--Elevator, World Financial Center

Overheard by: Walter Sobjzcek

Are You on Fire? We May Have a Position for You!

Corporate worker #1: Did you smell the gas leak this morning?
Corporate worker #2: No... Where was it? I didn't smell anything. I wish I was there. I would have lit a match on my clothes so I wouldn't have to quit my job.

--50th & Broadway

Overheard by: criska

Let Me Rephrase That.

Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.

--777 3rd Ave

Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry

TV: 'It's official -- Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency...'
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don't know... I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent -- you think a woman can handle that?

--Montefiore Medical Center



Headline by: Jason

Runners-Up:
· "At least we knew Monica could handle a big load" - Roxi
· "I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas." - Mikie
· "If she can't handle the small "jobs" at home..." - Kenneth
· "Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that." - bella


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Plus, My AdSense Numbers Are Down

Office diva: You read my blog on lesbian wolf packs?
Office janitrix: Not yet.
Office diva: Gotta check it out. Shit's pretty intense.

--W 25th St

A Statement of Policy

We wanted to point out that we've now enabled comments on our entries. While it's rude to speak in public about something someone else said, here we encourage it.

--The OverheardInNewYork.com Staff, NYC

Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!

Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, 'cause if you don't make stops you don't make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don't have to stop and I still made money, man, I'll have it made.

--5th St & Ave A

Or When You Finally Found Your Birth Mom

Intern #1: Yeah, so they finally let me go watch bankruptcy court yesterday.
Intern #2: What was it like?
Intern #1: Everyone was black except me. It kind of felt like when I ride the subway at night.

--Grand Central


Overheard by: James

Today, He is Truly an African-American

Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.

--Wall Street


Overheard by: drama

You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself

Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.

--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Victor

I Hear This Is How Tom Paine Got Started

Drunk man: Where are all my taxes going?! To housing for people who can only make over $60,000 a year?! I don't wanna pay for a stadium! Mayor Bloomberg is an asshole! The elections are coming up, people!
Business guy: So why don't you run for office?
Drunk man: I ain't running for office! I want the people to know! The elections are coming up! Bloomberg is an asshole!
Business guy: And who'd you vote for?
Drunk man: I didn't vote! I was on parole!...I ain't on parole anymo'!

--Brooklyn bound J train

Overheard by: Cara

"...and I suspect the squirrels are Jewish."

Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.

--Madison Square Park

YOUR HEADLINE HERE, RELOADED

Put away your skewer jokes -- we've posted a new contest! Click here to read the entry and submit your headline. The winner of Monday's contest will be posted this coming Monday.

Winners of this and future contests will get a copy of the book Overheard in New York, signed by Morgan Friedman (until we run out).

Another Brilliant Brian Kinney Campaign

Ad guy #1: "Up Your Budget"? I don't get it.
Ad guy #2: It's for the rental car company.
Ad guy #1: But it makes you think of Up Your Butt. Is that the point? Budget wants people to think about stuffing things in their ass?
Ad guy #2: I don't know.
Ad guy #1: "Look at me, I'm stuffing things in my ass!" "We try harder, we're number two. We're stuffing things in our ass!"...Hertz!

--Madison & 50th


Overheard by: Kevin

Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table

Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain't gonna to be late for work -- I'm at work.

--2 train

Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!

--Prince St

Overheard by: 3 musketeers

Lady suit: We can't bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn't work.

--45th & Lex

Barista: Yo, I like my schedule -- work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep... You can't do that shit on a temp schedule.

--Starbucks

Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room... and your job.

--Rockefeller Center

He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park

Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!

--Electra Building

Stop Licking Him -- You Don't Know Where He's Been!

Six-year-old to guy stranger while hiding behind mother on cell: Hi.
20-something guy: Hello...
Six-year-old, grabbing guy's hand: Hi.
20 something guy, confused: Hello...
Six-year-old to mom: I picked one!
Mom: You picked what? No! I told you that you could pick out the stamps, not a person! Put him back!

--Post office

Overheard by: Put back

Yeah But She Can Only Give You an I or a Y

Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.


Headline by: azione
Runners-Up:
· "Amputation is the New Anorexia" - Amanda
· "And they want to take away affirmative action?" - Holly G
· "But I'd Still TOTALLY Bang Her" - Jason
· "But her talent is obvious..." - fuel
· "Come on, Eileen" - Parker
· "Four legs good, two legs bad!" - Zomzom
· "From the McCartney - Mills Divorce Files" - Gimpy La Rue
· "How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation" - Sean McGurr
· "Kids will do anything to make the team" - Spin
· "Or a head." - Jeremiah Lewis
· "Playing the amputee card" - Mandaliet
· "She'd still be a virgin now too" - Sarah
· "Title IX didn't say they had to actually do the routines." - CityGirl
· "Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad." - John
· "We call her Tripod Betty" - Wendy
· "When Affirmative action goes too far" - Marv in DC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Pencil Envy

A boss approaches his employee, holding up two pieces of lead for a retractable pencil.

Boss: I don't ask you to do much, but can you tell me which one of these is bigger?

--UES


Overheard by: Mindi Laine

Someone Set Up a Livejournal Feed for Us

To subscribe, click here.

Pledge Drive

Greetings, friends. Do you enjoy the fine, free quality programming here at Overheard in New York? Then you owe it to yourself to contribute whatever you happen to overhear. Together, we can continue bringing you the meta-humor we all know and love.

Thanks

The Staff

Overheard Everywhere

Occasionally, we leave New York and also overhear great quotes that we'd like to use on the site, which we haven't done when they're not in an Office or Beach. To encourage our eavesdropping, we've launched Overheard Everywhere - The Voice of the Rest (of the world outside of New York).

This site is a bit different than our others because, in addition to posting what we overhear ourselves and what our spies tell us, we will also link to the Best Of the other overheards on the Internet, on the hundreds of imitation overheard sites that have popped up -- so, if you or a friend of yours runs your own overheard site, tell us about it, and we'll read it daily and post and link to our favorites on your site, too.

Let us know what you think at hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com

Team Overheard

Celebrity Wit

After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com

Team Overheard

Yes, But Thoughts Are Usually A Penny

Street Vendor: Hey, hey, hey man, jewelry blow out special. Everything a dollar. Buy something nice for your wife for the holidays. One dollar!
Businessman: A dollar? I'm not gonna buy my wife jewelry for a dollar.
Street Vendor: It's the thought that counts.

--57th and 8th


Overheard by: Josh Caldwell

Paging Def Leppard

Male Employee: No, that's hemophilia. Hypoglycemia is, like, when your
body produces more sugar than your system can handle.
Female Employee: Yeah! That's me!

--Lord & Taylor


Overheard by: Megan Buckley

Notice He Didn't Say Williamsburg

Art store guy #1: No, I don't know where it is...Hey, does anyone know where there's an art show this weekend? This guy on the phone wants to know.
Art store guy #2: Tell him SoHo and hang up.

--Utrecht, 4th Avenue


Overheard by: Jason

Readers: Answer This Gauche Question

Office worker #1: Fred Wertheimer? He's the husband of the fabulous Linda Wertheimer...
Office worker #2: Who is that?
Office worker #1: She is a really famous radio person on NPR.
Office worker #2: What is NPR?

--Midtown office

No Pun Intended

Attorney: Wow, it's really bad outside!
Front Desk Lady: I hope it's not like that when it's time to go home.
Attorney: Hey, don't you live in Staten Island?
Front Desk Lady: No I don't. And even if you buy me a $4 million house there, I still wouldn't live in that dump.

--Midtown office


Overheard by: Felson

He Dresses as a Postal Employee for Halloween

Little boy: Look, Mommy, that man is dressed up as the UPS man for Halloween!
UPS man: No, this is my life.

--Rockefeller Center Concourse

Overheard by: Micaela

Enought to Fill That Lithium Prescription?

Guy #1: I hate my job, my boss is a dick, and if he does not get off my back, I swear I'll blow that motherfucker up!
Guy #2: Quit
Guy #1: Oh yeah, man quess what? I just got a kick ass raise the other week.

--33rd & Lex

Something Bloody Something

Businessman: There was a flatbed truck on 5th Ave. There were all these musicians in it with their guitars, and everyone was chanting Bone-o!.
Woman: That's U2.
Businessman: Oh, OK. I wanted to say, "Which one's Bone-o?"
Woman: Which one's Bozo, you should have said.
Businessman: The little guy; is he Spanish?
Woman: No.
Businessman: He said, "Buenos dias." I wanted to know if that was him.

--Burger Heaven, 49th St.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

Copy boy: Mr. Murdoch on the line.

The news editor on duty picks up the phone.

News editor: Right. Right. OK...Source? No source...Right...It's Gephardt. OK.

--NY Post Offices

And When Did Rue McClanahan First Outsexy Her?

Girl #1: Today is Madonna's birthday!
Girl #2: 60th?

--Office, 47th & 5th

Thanks, I Used Manic Panic

Businesswoman #1: How are you doing?
Businesswoman #2: Crazy. How are you?
Businesswoman #1: Not as crazy as you, I guess. Your hair looks good today.

--Midotwn office

That Means He Knows How to Get Women

Boss guy: I'll meet you at Seebo at 5:30.
Design guy: Um...I think it's pronounced "Chee-bo." C-I-B-O. It's Italian.
Boss guy: What do I know? I'm a Viking.

--Office, Hanover Square


Overheard by: R.S.

The Etymology of the Absurd

Fax Guy: I never made that bet with you. We didn't shake on it.
Fax Girl: You can't do that. We had a bet. You believe this shit? He's trying to renig on the bet.
Tech Guy: Um, isn't the term renege? Like, short for renegotiate.
Tech Girl: Not with this nigger it's not.

--Downtown Office

Rush Hour: No Longer Just a Movie

Commuter: Are there delays?
Token booth collector: No ma'am, there are no delays at this station.
Commuter: Then why are there more people than trains?

--Fulton Street station

That's Public Service for You

One postal agent to other, speaking of the UPS agent nearby: Tell him to pick up all the heavy boxes, especially for the walk-ups.

--Bleecker street


Overheard by: Disco Lama

The Elves Call Her "Iron Claus"

Girl #1: What do you mean she fired you?
Girl #2: The bitch fired me.
Girl #1: You should write a story about her; she's fucked up and now you can show her.
Girl #2: I've been writing a book about her since last Christmas.
Girl #1: Oh?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm pissed I'm going to lose material filler now.

--Times Square

Another Wonderfully Thinning Feature for Smokers

Girl #1: I wish I still smoked so I would have a reason to go outside every 20 minutes.
Girl #2: But then you'd have cancer.

--Chelsea elevator

That's More Like a Rodin

Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.

--Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum

Sassy is the New Black

Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy's just a little too sassy for me.

--Chat n' Chew, E. 16th Street


Overheard by: Gus Colletti

Her Days Interning at the Klan Were Not Happy Ones

Businesswoman: You know, I used to get worked up over that too, but it's not my career. I don't care anymore. Just pay me and don't disrespect me, slap my ass, or call me "nigger", and we're cool.

--Quizno's, 14th & 6th

Grr Power

Businesschick: Can we have a male do this job?
Businesswoman: Who are you going to find?
Businesschick: You throw another female in the mix, we're going to go off the deep end.

--Midtown office

I'm Michael Malice, and I Overheard This Message

Strand Guy: Hey, John! How are you?
John: Seven days, man. Seven days.
Strand Guy: Hopefully the world will be safe for democracy.
John: I dunno. Halliburton has some no bid contracts.
Strand Guy: You believe that?!
John: Yeah.

--Strand Basement

Overheard on the Radio

The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).

As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.

--Centre Street office

A+

Teacher: What country do we live in?
First graders: New York!

--Blessed Sacrament School, 70th St

Overheard by: Fishy Ellie

Like Twix, It's Two for Me, None for You

Tourist woman #1: I'd like to speak to a nun.
Receptionist lady: The nuns don't talk to the public. You can meet with a priest. He'll be available in an hour. Is anything wrong?
Tourist woman #1: We were going up for communion and the minister asked my friend if she was Catholic.
Receptionist lady: Is she Catholic?
Tourist woman #2: I'm Methodist. We take communion too.

-- St. Patrick's Cathedral Rectory


Overheard by: Traveler Bill