You Should Swim

Employee #1: So, if a nine-eleven happens, I need to stand across the park?
Employee #2: You gotta get away from tall buildings.
Employee #1: Hell, if a nine-eleven happens, I'm going to Long Island. Nobody cares about Long Island.

--Jamba Juice, 22nd & 5th

More of a Guideline, Really

Man #1: ... And sometimes you want to drink in the office.
Man #2: Yeah, I mean, sometimes -- why not? But that's a slippery slope.
Man #1: Well, the general rule of thumb is don't drink and trade.

--Elevator, World Financial Center

Overheard by: Walter Sobjzcek

Are You on Fire? We May Have a Position for You!

Corporate worker #1: Did you smell the gas leak this morning?
Corporate worker #2: No... Where was it? I didn't smell anything. I wish I was there. I would have lit a match on my clothes so I wouldn't have to quit my job.

--50th & Broadway

Overheard by: criska

Let Me Rephrase That.

Trader #1: Is she ok with that price?
Trader #2: Yeah, we have a great relationship. She'll take it in the end.

--777 3rd Ave

Please Let Go of Your Crotch, Larry

TV: 'It's official -- Hillary Clinton is running for the presidency...'
Secretary #1: You gonna vote for her?
Secretary #2: I don't know... I have to see who else is running.
Service associate: You think a woman can handle these 52 states? This is a big continent -- you think a woman can handle that?

--Montefiore Medical Center



Headline by: Jason

Runners-Up:
· "At least we knew Monica could handle a big load" - Roxi
· "I mean, really, Debbie could only handle Dallas." - Mikie
· "If she can't handle the small "jobs" at home..." - Kenneth
· "Men lying about size? Yeah, a woman can handle that." - bella


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Plus, My AdSense Numbers Are Down

Office diva: You read my blog on lesbian wolf packs?
Office janitrix: Not yet.
Office diva: Gotta check it out. Shit's pretty intense.

--W 25th St

A Statement of Policy

We wanted to point out that we've now enabled comments on our entries. While it's rude to speak in public about something someone else said, here we encourage it.

--The OverheardInNewYork.com Staff, NYC

Take This Package Nowhere in Particular. Immediately!

Bike messenger: Well, the problem with being a bike messenger is that you have to make stops, 'cause if you don't make stops you don't make any money.
Newbie: Yeah.
Bike messenger: But if I find a gig where I don't have to stop and I still made money, man, I'll have it made.

--5th St & Ave A

Or When You Finally Found Your Birth Mom

Intern #1: Yeah, so they finally let me go watch bankruptcy court yesterday.
Intern #2: What was it like?
Intern #1: Everyone was black except me. It kind of felt like when I ride the subway at night.

--Grand Central


Overheard by: James

Today, He is Truly an African-American

Black guy: Good god. I had to actually work today.
Indian chick: By "work" you obviously mean taking credit for the many hours of hard labor endured by my fellow Indian IT brethren who report to you. You exploiting bastard.
Black guy: Ha, ha. Like slavery. But I'm Black.
Indian chick: Oh, the wicked irony.
Black guy: Word.

--Wall Street


Overheard by: drama

You May Think So, but You'll Never Know until You Challenge Yourself

Man: Don't you want to go to the water?
Woman, wiping something off her arm with a napkin: No. I've had enough poop for today.

--Central Park South, between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Victor

I Hear This Is How Tom Paine Got Started

Drunk man: Where are all my taxes going?! To housing for people who can only make over $60,000 a year?! I don't wanna pay for a stadium! Mayor Bloomberg is an asshole! The elections are coming up, people!
Business guy: So why don't you run for office?
Drunk man: I ain't running for office! I want the people to know! The elections are coming up! Bloomberg is an asshole!
Business guy: And who'd you vote for?
Drunk man: I didn't vote! I was on parole!...I ain't on parole anymo'!

--Brooklyn bound J train

Overheard by: Cara

"...and I suspect the squirrels are Jewish."

Dude: Does the Parks Commission feed squirrels and pigeons?
Parks guy: No.
Dude: Why not?
Parks guy: Listen, I saw a pigeon drinking a Heineken the other day. I got no respect for pigeons.

--Madison Square Park

YOUR HEADLINE HERE, RELOADED

Put away your skewer jokes -- we've posted a new contest! Click here to read the entry and submit your headline. The winner of Monday's contest will be posted this coming Monday.

Winners of this and future contests will get a copy of the book Overheard in New York, signed by Morgan Friedman (until we run out).

Another Brilliant Brian Kinney Campaign

Ad guy #1: "Up Your Budget"? I don't get it.
Ad guy #2: It's for the rental car company.
Ad guy #1: But it makes you think of Up Your Butt. Is that the point? Budget wants people to think about stuffing things in their ass?
Ad guy #2: I don't know.
Ad guy #1: "Look at me, I'm stuffing things in my ass!" "We try harder, we're number two. We're stuffing things in our ass!"...Hertz!

--Madison & 50th


Overheard by: Kevin

Wednesday One-Liners Gotta Put Food on the Table

Conductor: Look, people, stop leaning against the doors. It only makes you late to work. I ain't gonna to be late for work -- I'm at work.

--2 train

Dude to buddies: Shit, yeah, first we get the job, then we get the cayenne, then we get the girls!

--Prince St

Overheard by: 3 musketeers

Lady suit: We can't bring in an asshole. We tried that last year and it didn't work.

--45th & Lex

Barista: Yo, I like my schedule -- work, sleep, sleep at work, go home and smoke some blunts, some weed, sleep... You can't do that shit on a temp schedule.

--Starbucks

Conductor: This is 47th Street, Rockefeller Center. Home of Top of the Rock, the Rainbow Room... and your job.

--Rockefeller Center

He and the Mattress Giant are Getting Married in Central Park

Male worker: He isn't here today.
Woman worker: But I need him!
Man worker: But Mr. Clean ain't here today!
Woman worker whining: When?
Man worker: Not today!

--Electra Building

Stop Licking Him -- You Don't Know Where He's Been!

Six-year-old to guy stranger while hiding behind mother on cell: Hi.
20-something guy: Hello...
Six-year-old, grabbing guy's hand: Hi.
20 something guy, confused: Hello...
Six-year-old to mom: I picked one!
Mom: You picked what? No! I told you that you could pick out the stamps, not a person! Put him back!

--Post office

Overheard by: Put back

Yeah But She Can Only Give You an I or a Y

Employee #1: Hey, look at this picture.
Employee #2: Yeah, she never would have made cheerleader if she had two legs.


Headline by: azione
Runners-Up:
· "Amputation is the New Anorexia" - Amanda
· "And they want to take away affirmative action?" - Holly G
· "But I'd Still TOTALLY Bang Her" - Jason
· "But her talent is obvious..." - fuel
· "Come on, Eileen" - Parker
· "Four legs good, two legs bad!" - Zomzom
· "From the McCartney - Mills Divorce Files" - Gimpy La Rue
· "How to lose those extra pounds to make the squad: amputation" - Sean McGurr
· "Kids will do anything to make the team" - Spin
· "Or a head." - Jeremiah Lewis
· "Playing the amputee card" - Mandaliet
· "She'd still be a virgin now too" - Sarah
· "Title IX didn't say they had to actually do the routines." - CityGirl
· "Tryouts were tough for the Special Olympics cheer squad." - John
· "We call her Tripod Betty" - Wendy
· "When Affirmative action goes too far" - Marv in DC
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Pencil Envy

A boss approaches his employee, holding up two pieces of lead for a retractable pencil.

Boss: I don't ask you to do much, but can you tell me which one of these is bigger?

--UES


Overheard by: Mindi Laine

Someone Set Up a Livejournal Feed for Us

To subscribe, click here.

Pledge Drive

Greetings, friends. Do you enjoy the fine, free quality programming here at Overheard in New York? Then you owe it to yourself to contribute whatever you happen to overhear. Together, we can continue bringing you the meta-humor we all know and love.

Thanks

The Staff

Overheard Everywhere

Celebrity Wit

After four years of documenting the insights of the Unknown Man in the Street,
we're branching out and documenting the insights of the Celebrity, too. Let
us know what you think of our new site, Celebrity Wit, by e-mailing us at
hatemail@overheardinnewyork.com or lovemail@overheardinnewyork.com

Team Overheard

Yes, But Thoughts Are Usually A Penny

Street Vendor: Hey, hey, hey man, jewelry blow out special. Everything a dollar. Buy something nice for your wife for the holidays. One dollar!
Businessman: A dollar? I'm not gonna buy my wife jewelry for a dollar.
Street Vendor: It's the thought that counts.

--57th and 8th


Overheard by: Josh Caldwell

Paging Def Leppard

Male Employee: No, that's hemophilia. Hypoglycemia is, like, when your
body produces more sugar than your system can handle.
Female Employee: Yeah! That's me!

--Lord & Taylor


Overheard by: Megan Buckley

Notice He Didn't Say Williamsburg

Art store guy #1: No, I don't know where it is...Hey, does anyone know where there's an art show this weekend? This guy on the phone wants to know.
Art store guy #2: Tell him SoHo and hang up.

--Utrecht, 4th Avenue


Overheard by: Jason

Readers: Answer This Gauche Question

Office worker #1: Fred Wertheimer? He's the husband of the fabulous Linda Wertheimer...
Office worker #2: Who is that?
Office worker #1: She is a really famous radio person on NPR.
Office worker #2: What is NPR?

--Midtown office

No Pun Intended

Attorney: Wow, it's really bad outside!
Front Desk Lady: I hope it's not like that when it's time to go home.
Attorney: Hey, don't you live in Staten Island?
Front Desk Lady: No I don't. And even if you buy me a $4 million house there, I still wouldn't live in that dump.

--Midtown office


Overheard by: Felson

He Dresses as a Postal Employee for Halloween

Little boy: Look, Mommy, that man is dressed up as the UPS man for Halloween!
UPS man: No, this is my life.

--Rockefeller Center Concourse

Overheard by: Micaela

Enought to Fill That Lithium Prescription?

Guy #1: I hate my job, my boss is a dick, and if he does not get off my back, I swear I'll blow that motherfucker up!
Guy #2: Quit
Guy #1: Oh yeah, man quess what? I just got a kick ass raise the other week.

--33rd & Lex

Something Bloody Something

Businessman: There was a flatbed truck on 5th Ave. There were all these musicians in it with their guitars, and everyone was chanting Bone-o!.
Woman: That's U2.
Businessman: Oh, OK. I wanted to say, "Which one's Bone-o?"
Woman: Which one's Bozo, you should have said.
Businessman: The little guy; is he Spanish?
Woman: No.
Businessman: He said, "Buenos dias." I wanted to know if that was him.

--Burger Heaven, 49th St.

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST

Copy boy: Mr. Murdoch on the line.

The news editor on duty picks up the phone.

News editor: Right. Right. OK...Source? No source...Right...It's Gephardt. OK.

--NY Post Offices

And When Did Rue McClanahan First Outsexy Her?

Girl #1: Today is Madonna's birthday!
Girl #2: 60th?

--Office, 47th & 5th

Thanks, I Used Manic Panic

Businesswoman #1: How are you doing?
Businesswoman #2: Crazy. How are you?
Businesswoman #1: Not as crazy as you, I guess. Your hair looks good today.

--Midotwn office

That Means He Knows How to Get Women

Boss guy: I'll meet you at Seebo at 5:30.
Design guy: Um...I think it's pronounced "Chee-bo." C-I-B-O. It's Italian.
Boss guy: What do I know? I'm a Viking.

--Office, Hanover Square


Overheard by: R.S.

The Etymology of the Absurd

Fax Guy: I never made that bet with you. We didn't shake on it.
Fax Girl: You can't do that. We had a bet. You believe this shit? He's trying to renig on the bet.
Tech Guy: Um, isn't the term renege? Like, short for renegotiate.
Tech Girl: Not with this nigger it's not.

--Downtown Office

Rush Hour: No Longer Just a Movie

Commuter: Are there delays?
Token booth collector: No ma'am, there are no delays at this station.
Commuter: Then why are there more people than trains?

--Fulton Street station

That's Public Service for You

One postal agent to other, speaking of the UPS agent nearby: Tell him to pick up all the heavy boxes, especially for the walk-ups.

--Bleecker street


Overheard by: Disco Lama

The Elves Call Her "Iron Claus"

Girl #1: What do you mean she fired you?
Girl #2: The bitch fired me.
Girl #1: You should write a story about her; she's fucked up and now you can show her.
Girl #2: I've been writing a book about her since last Christmas.
Girl #1: Oh?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm pissed I'm going to lose material filler now.

--Times Square

Another Wonderfully Thinning Feature for Smokers

Girl #1: I wish I still smoked so I would have a reason to go outside every 20 minutes.
Girl #2: But then you'd have cancer.

--Chelsea elevator

That's More Like a Rodin

Tour guide: Now what does it look like to you? Does it look very European, very Greek?
Woman: It looks like a poo.

--Aztec exhibit, Guggenheim Museum

Sassy is the New Black

Waitress: Hey, would you mind taking that table for me?
Waiter: How come?
Waitress: That guy's just a little too sassy for me.

--Chat n' Chew, E. 16th Street


Overheard by: Gus Colletti

Her Days Interning at the Klan Were Not Happy Ones

Businesswoman: You know, I used to get worked up over that too, but it's not my career. I don't care anymore. Just pay me and don't disrespect me, slap my ass, or call me "nigger", and we're cool.

--Quizno's, 14th & 6th

Grr Power

Businesschick: Can we have a male do this job?
Businesswoman: Who are you going to find?
Businesschick: You throw another female in the mix, we're going to go off the deep end.

--Midtown office

I'm Michael Malice, and I Overheard This Message

Strand Guy: Hey, John! How are you?
John: Seven days, man. Seven days.
Strand Guy: Hopefully the world will be safe for democracy.
John: I dunno. Halliburton has some no bid contracts.
Strand Guy: You believe that?!
John: Yeah.

--Strand Basement

Overheard on the Radio

The creators of this site were just on The Brian Lehrer Show (listen here).

As the producer explained to the host who we were and what we're about, she handed him some printouts of site quotes and ended with: ...and don't say fucktard, obviously.

--Centre Street office

A+

Teacher: What country do we live in?
First graders: New York!

--Blessed Sacrament School, 70th St

Overheard by: Fishy Ellie

Like Twix, It's Two for Me, None for You

Tourist woman #1: I'd like to speak to a nun.
Receptionist lady: The nuns don't talk to the public. You can meet with a priest. He'll be available in an hour. Is anything wrong?
Tourist woman #1: We were going up for communion and the minister asked my friend if she was Catholic.
Receptionist lady: Is she Catholic?
Tourist woman #2: I'm Methodist. We take communion too.

-- St. Patrick's Cathedral Rectory


Overheard by: Traveler Bill

Better Make It Decaf, Then

Guy, 40s: I don't take medication. I don't need it. I need drawing. I need peace and tranquility. I need coffee!

--The Strand

Just Say Non!

Businesschick: You have to learn to say no to those aggressive French men!
Businessman: Do I really?
Businesschick: No, I'm just kidding.

--Midtown Office

This week's Headline Contest

This week's Headline Contest: Here

Be Paranoid; OverheardInNewYork is Listening...

Woman: So it's top secret. I think I'm going to quit in January.

--500 Madison Avenue

Depends on What Your Definition of "Invented" Is

Businesswoman: It was almost like something I invented, although the restaurant did have that dish. But other restaurants didn't have it!

--Midtown office

Correct -- the Man Wins a Free Cavity Search!

TSA officer: You will be going through a metal detector. The key words here are 'metal' and 'detector.' Now, let's play a game called 'What Is My Metal Belt Buckle Made Of?' What is my belt buckle made of?
Male on line: Metal?!

--JFK Airport

Overheard by: Philly Blunt

We Love It When Our Friends Become Successful

For those of you into voyeurism and candor, the website Double Agent is based on the premise of "women spying on women for men." We asked the guys over there for some recommendations of their work, and these fly-on-the-wall video clips are what they came up with: 1, 2, 3, 4. Enjoy!

This Doesn't Sound Right...

Businessman: Maria, Maria, Maria. I eat like 5 times a day.
Maria: So how do you stay looking so good?
Businessman: I'm a vegetarian, so I have to eat all the time.

--Midtown office

I've Got to Go Whack Off

Coworker #1: I just found out what 'queef' means.
Coworker #2: You're on speakerphone.
Coworker #1: Queef, queef, queef, queef.

--Midtown office

Overheard by: Ruth

Do As I Say, Not As It's Possible to Do

President: ...and drop it off on the Upper West Side at 77th and 2nd.
Assistant chick: But that's the East Side, you mean--
President: No, the West side at seventy-seventh and 2nd!

--E. 33rd Street office

She Makes Her Own Milk, Too

Man: I thought you were the type who made coffee at home.
Woman: I can easily make coffee at home. I'm having tea.

--Starbucks, 81st & Columbus

Non-sequitur theater

Businessman: It wasn't the Buddhist philosophy that I objected to. I objected to the fact that they wanted my therapist's signature.

--Flatiron district

Wednesday One-liners Heart Tracey Gold

Office girl: I'm going to finish the rest of these balls then throw up.

--Office, Madison & 48th

Some Comebacks Can't Be Improved Upon

Hipster: C'mon, there's another train, quit holding the doors. God.
Man squeezing past doors: Oh, shut the fuck up. I'm late for work. What are you late for? The vintage stores aren't even open yet.

--Uptown N train, Union Square

Now He Has 75 Comp Tickets For The Lake House

Guy: Yeah, they said that they didn't have a paycheck for me this week, but they could pay me in cheese.

--44th & 9th

Overheard by: Melanie

Overheard in the Bookstore

January 31st sees the release of Overheard in New York, the book. There are apparently people out there who have lives and don't read websites; now they can see for themselves what this site we all love so much is all about.

The book is perfect subway reading, and makes a great gift for Chicks, Dudes, Old ladies, Tourist moms and Crazy guys. And unlike
almost every other website turned into a book, we weren't censored. You get the best of the best--and the worst of the worst!--as well as a bunch of quotes we saved especially for the print edition.

We're very excited and hope to make this an annual tradition. It'll be
like Zagat's, but with hobos. You can order it here.

--Morgan & Michael (and 4 pages of contributors!)

Heard in New York

Our beloved editor will give a talk 8pm this Wednesday, 12/8, about working with Harvey Pekar on Our Movie Year. It's in the basement of Lolita, corner of Broome and Allen on the LES. Our beloved publisher will be there as well; come by and say hi to the Overheard staff!

One Year Later

This past week the first anniversary of this site went quietly by. Wow, has it really been a year already? Yes, it has. We just said so. Please pay attention. We hope that the site has made you laugh, or caused you to look over your shoulder before speaking.

We wanted to take this moment to thank our readers, especially those who contribute, and our non-readers, especially those who provide our fodder. This site wouldn't be here without the help of friendly ears. If you heard anything, do take the time to send it in.

We also wanted to announce that due to the great influx of submissions, starting tomorrow we're going to be posting twice daily for as long as possible. Onward and upward, as we once overheard someone say.

--The Overheard In New York Staff, NYC

So Now She's Skinnier Than Me!

Tiny gym bunny: I've had a really hard past couple of years...
Gym guy: Really?
Tiny gym bunny: Yeah, last year my mom got breast cancer...
Gym guy: Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Tiny gym bunny: Yeah, and to top it off, I got fat!
Gym guy: Pardon?

--Crunch Gym, 13th & Broadway

Until My Message Is Heard

Assistant: Probably not, I don't see them as Miracle Whip people.
Boss: How many times do you have to tell that story?

--23rd & 6th


Overheard by: Dave

Wednesday One-liners Do It 9 to 5

Naked suit: You know, if you're a terrorist and you wanna get into a building, you should just say you're from Price Waterhouse or Ernst & Young. Nobody asks any questions.

--Vanderbilt YMCA, East 47th Street


Overheard by: Palaverist

Wait. Who Drives in New York?

Woman: I just felt it when I ran it over.
Coworker: Wait. An arm?
Woman: Yeah... I think maybe I moved into the wrong neighborhood.
Coworker: You ran over an arm?
Woman: Yup. It was severed just above the elbow.

--Office building elevator, 770 Broadway

Two Kamikaze Shots and a Marlboro Light

Male coworker #1: ... So she made 25 thousand dollars just for showing her tits.
Flashy blonde coworker pointing to her chest: Hey, for 25 thousand dollars they can have these tits.
Male coworker #2: How much just to look at 'em?

--Smith & Wollensky's restaurant

Overheard by: Big Larry

I'm Thankful for My Alcoholism

Businesschick: Are you still with that girl?
Businessguy: No. She kept trying to get me to go to AA. One night out with me and you'll see..!
Businesschick: Oh, I've seen the aftermath. The stitches, the blood.

--Midtown Office

It's an Old David Copperfield Trick

Two 12 year olds knock into a business woman.

Woman: Don't you say excuse me?
12 year old #1: Shut the fuck up, bitch, 'cause I got my balls in your mouth.
Woman: But... but...
12 year old #2: Aww, bitch, you better shut up, 'cause he's got his balls in your mouth.

--uptown 4 train

Overheard by: DVI

Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins

Fashionista: I'm not ready for a rich man.

--East Village


Woman: Yeah, he's got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!

--Uptown 6 train


3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.

--Playground, DUMBO

Overheard by: grimrosary


Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, "That's what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants."

--Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: LSB


Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what's fiscally feasible for me...and by "me", I mean my parents.

--D train

Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies...


Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?

--19th & 6th

Overheard by: Hobo Hank


Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

--Goodwill

That's Code for, "I'm Lost, Too"

Man: Excuse me, could you tell me where--
Biotech, interrupting: --Look, I don't have time to make up fake directions.

--W Broadway

Headline by: Trey Jackson

Runners-Up:
· "And This Rudeness Is Two Seconds Of My Life I'll Never Get Back" - Markle
· "And, Being a New Yorker, I Certainly Won't Give You Real Ones" - Yana
· "Mapquest's Employee Of the Month" - Claire
· "Or The Knowledge for Real Ones" - DIck
· "So Take a Left Over There" - emily bess
· "Take a Cab. Be Sure You Tell the Driver You're from Out Of Town." - jnr


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

I Heard about Those During One of My Free Hours in the Exercise Yard

College guy: So, what's the thing you like least about working here?
Brainwashed programmer: Geez, that's a hard one. I like just about everything here!
College guy: I see... Have you ever seen the movie Office Space?
Brainwashed programmer: No, I've never heard of it. Is that one of those YouTube things?

--Goldman Sachs recruitment lunch, Financial District

Not Any More

Employee pointing to wall: See the fire damage?
Tourist mom: Is this where you stash your weed?

--Cathedral of St. John the Divine

Overheard by: amused priest

But I'm Really Just a Figurehead

Working man #1: You know, I don't like the refill scheme here.
Working man #2: You know, I'm the king of not giving a shit.

--39th & 8th

Mickey Told Me the First One Was Free

Intern: Have you ever been to Disney World?
Employee: Yes, when I was 8. It was when I had my first cigarette.

--3rd Ave

"No, I'm 5 years old."

A record company assistant is flirting with an older music executive. She asks: Do you have a girlfriend?

He responds by holding out his hand with fingers extended to show his wedding band.

Assistant: You have five girlfriends?

--Joe's Pub

~YOUR HEADLINE HERE~

Starting today, Overheard in New York will be running regular headline contests. What you do: Click on the link at the top left of the site, read the headless entry, and let your brilliance unfold. What you get: Headline credit when the entry is posted, props from friends and coworkers, and a link to your blog (at our discretion).