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Is France also fictional?
Actor speaking on his cell phone on the subway: "I'm starring in a play called Andorra, about a fictional country in Europe."
He Saw His Reflection in It, and He Has a Zit
Actor #1: Shit! Shit! Fuck! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
Actor #2: He's just mad because Britney shaved her head.
--Ripley-Grier Studios
Overheard by: Cara
He Was Hiding 35 Bodies in His Car
Girl: I hate clowns.
Clown guy: We hate you too.
--Church Avenue F station
Overheard by: sarah
It Wasn't Work, It Was an Audition
Guy #1: You look really familiar to me; what do you do?
Guy #2: I'm an actor, poet, musician...
Guy #1: No...Did you ever work at Bloomingdale's?
Guy #2: ...Yes.
--Astoria
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
Doctor: Looks Like a Bad Case of Oedipus at Colonus
Drama Major: If I have to hear one more thing about Ancient Greek or Roman Drama.
Drama Minor: Oh, I know.
Drama Major: I have Oedipus coming out of my ass!
--Hunter College
Overheard by: Douche
Un Film de Wednesday One-Liners
Russian guy on cell: I went to see Saw III. Best movie ever -- the girl in front of me fainted in the beginning of the movie! Five minutes into the movie she just fainted, and her boyfriend started calling for help. I called an ambulance, they took her away... That movie was awesome!
--Brooklyn-bound Q train
Overenthusiastic male student: Oh! I met Borat! He goes to NYU, right?
--Hunter College
Guy to everyone in theater: Shhh, I'm recording this!
--Movie theater, Court St, Brooklyn
Blonde: Yeah, so I watch Brokeback Mountain like it's my Bible. I hang on every word, 'cause I really want to know how gay people talk.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Stina
Guy on cell: 28 Days was just stupid. Zombies aren't like that. Dawn of the Dead is the most realistic portrayal of zombies I've ever seen!
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Philip Niosi
Chick to hipsters: I did my first autopsy to The Wizard of Oz.
--The Village, near Mulberry
Overheard by: DC Diva
It Was the Giving Birth Kind
Actor #1: It wasn't like sex vagina, it was more like--
Actor #2: --There's more than one kind?
--Epiphany
That's Supposed to Be Foreplay
Woman: I'm such a better clown then they are, and I have the nose to prove it.
Man: They have to be more creative. It can't just be "slip on a banana peel and drop your pants" every time.
--23rd & 9th
Overheard by: lori
This Is the Line for Movin' Out, Right?
Tourist on double-decker bus: What are you guys standing in line for?
Auditioner down below: Cheese!
--Cattle call for Rent
Overheard by: Kelly Mac
Behind the Laughter: Obscenities and Addiction
Balloon-Twisting clown: Ha ha! What are you, some kind of fucking gypsy?
Face painter dressed as gypsy: Do you want a fucking cigarette or what?
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: I quit, but that juggler looks like he could
On the Plus Side, It's Gotten Her Active in the Charity Scene
Middle-aged actress #1: I just spent six thousand dollars on chemotherapy for my 13-year-old cat.
Middle-aged actress #2: Oh, I have a great homeopathic vet. What kind of cancer did she have?
Middle-aged actress #1: Breast cancer. She had a full mastectomy.
--Bank St & 8th Ave
Regular Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: ...Then they gave him enemas until it ran clear. Now he hasn't had a movement in three days. Should I be worried?
--Subway
Suit: Yeah, I just left a floater in the upstairs bathroom.
--44th & 3rd
Ambiguously gay actor: Flowers come out. Girls do not poop, ever. Ever!
--Tisch School of the Arts, NYU
Overheard by: a girl who poops
Freshman chick: I am so not in the mood to take a shit right now.
--Restroom, Hunter College
Cherubic blonde chick to another: You know that 'BM' means poop, right?
--Metropolitan Museum of Art
Suit-in-training: Oh, yeah, I do have to take a shit -- I forgot.
--NYU Stern Building
Guy waiting for stall: Let's go gang, push it out! We gotta go out here!
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: KeeZ
Ju Calling
Eliza Dushku: How much for these two?
Jewelry guy: $15.
Eliza Dushku: Can I get them for ten?
--14th & 7th
Overheard by: Lily
Malice Goes to Style Court
Bored Guest: When are we going to get out of here? Don't tell me in two hours. I'd rather get out of here in three hours than in two hours. If I have to go over that bridge during rush hour, I'll shoot myself and then jump. I'll be falling with a gun to my head.
--Style Court Plaintiff Room
Of Course, If He'd Said That about Clue I'd Have to Club Him
Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn't feel any need to see it again?
Tim Curry: I'd say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.
--Actor's Fund event, 52nd & Broadway
Overheard by: Big Larry
Wednesday One-liners Rx
Santa: Hey, can you reach into my backpack and hand my my wig and the Zoloft?
--52nd & 5th
Overheard by: gear baachz
It Did Almost Get Away From Us There
Actor guy #1: Are you from the South?
Actor guy #2: The South of this country?
--Lehman College
Overheard by: BriGuy Ferrari
Bet He Can't Make a Zucchini
Kid : What kind of things do you make?
Balloon-twisting clown: Animals, minerals, vegetables. That kind of thing.
--Gramercy Street Fair, 3rd Ave
Sin City II: Three Men and a Big Lady
Geek #1: I mean, who knew that Mickey Rourke could act?
Geek #2: Dude, yeah! I mean, he's no Steve Guttenberg.
--Forbidden Planet, 13th Street
Guess Whose Girlfriend Is Pregnant
Man #1: What, you don't like kids?
Man #2: Dude, I make it policy to never hang out with anyone under 20.
Man #1: Why?
Man #2: Teenagers are dangerous savages and anyone younger than that is just loud and expensive.
--V train, 53rd & Lex
Harlot, 1995-2000: I Was a Team Player Skilled in Oral Communication with Customers
Acting student, performing a scene: You cheated on me! You harlot!
Acting professor: No, no! Now would you say 'harlot?' If someone called me a harlot I'd say 'Oh thank you so much!' You'd say you mother-fucking bitch, you whore, you slut! 'Harlot' sounds beautiful, I'd put it on my resume!
--Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: team jeffrey
The Efficacy of Abstinence-Only Sex Ed, Encapsulated
Clown: Chastity.
Three-year-old boy: Hahahaha!
--W 86th & West End
Overheard by: Emily B.
Wasn't This an In Living Color Skit?
Black Santa takes off his beard, puts a cigarette in his mouth and starts to adjust his crotch.
Little girl in stroller: Daddy, why is Santa smoking?
Daddy: Well, obviously it's a fake Santa...
Other passersby, scolding: Santa!
Black Santa: What? Santa's gotta friggin' fix himself sometimes, don't he?
--Rockefeller Christmas tree
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
She Had a Featured Solo in Backside Story
Man, during intermission of Chicago: Did you see the chorus girl with the long auburn hair?
Woman: Yeah?
Man: I'm pretty sure I've seen her in porn on the internet.
Woman, annoyed: Well, when we get home maybe you can find out for sure.
Man: I'm not saying she can't sing!
--Ambassador Theatre, W 49th
Overheard by: Big Larry
But Who Cares about the Golden Globes?
Buddy #1: Did you see Forest Whitaker's speech at the Golden Globes? He won Best Actor. I'm almost positive he was on crystal meth. He was, like, stuttering and his eyes were tearing up.
Buddy #2: Maybe he was emotional 'cause he won the award.
Buddy #1: [Long, reflective pause] Yeah... Maybe that, too.
--40th & 5th
Overheard by: Wubba
I Didn't Know There Would Be a Quiz
Teen girl: Hey, I'm a Scientologist.
Tom Cruise: Oh, really? What echelon are you in?
Teen girl: [awkwardly quiet] Uh... number three?
Tom Cruise: Exactly.
--Mission: Impossible III gala premiere, TriBeCa Film Festival, BMCC
Overheard by: mademoiselle schaeffer
