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Wait... Ugly Women with Handsome Men?
Chick: She has low self-esteem.
Dude: She should. She's mad ugly.
Chick: I've known people who are ugly but really beautiful.
Dude: No.
Chick: No, really! I've seen ugly men with beautiful women and ugly women with handsome men.
Dude: I'm dumb-shallow. If you don't look good, you can't be my friend.
Chick: But you're judging people. Like God.
Dude: Fuck that. I pay my own rent. I don't need anybody. I'm straight, but all my guy friends look good. If you're ugly, you can't be my friend. I'm dumb-shallow. [A few minutes later] Yo, if someone says I don't look good, somethin's wrong with them or their eyes, 'cause I look good.
--4 train, rush hour
Overheard by: Veej
Nothing Like Faint Praise from the Unworthy
Outgoing misogynist: See, my friend gives you a nine, but that's because he loves Puerto Rican women. I give you a seven-and-a-half. [Lady nods without looking up from her magazine.] So, what do you think?
Head-in-hands misogynist: I think you just embarrassed me.
Outgoing misogynist: I think you overshot with that nine, that's what I think.
--4 train
Overheard by: Alex
He Was Hiding 35 Bodies in His Car
Girl: I hate clowns.
Clown guy: We hate you too.
--Church Avenue F station
Overheard by: sarah
I'm not looking at you. Your bored son is masturbating.
Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he's dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I'm bored.
Mother: He's always bored. I must've been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father's knee and starts humping.] I'm bored, I'm bored[yawns], I'm bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn't look boring like you.
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: That guy on the F Train
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· "Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?" - Shawn
· "Most Priests Aren't That Exciting" - Brock
· "They Don't Call It the F Train for Nothing" - Sean McGurr
· "This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring" - Sim Etrias
· "Try the Middle Leg....it's Less Boring" - nicky c.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
Guy Did Have a Nice Ass, Though
Man #1: Yo, man! Get your ass out of my face! I ain't no faggot.
Man #2, bent over: I'm sorry.
Man #1: I oughta put my shoe up your ass.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: What, you didn't see me sitting here? I don't want your ass in my face.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: No, you're not.
Man #2: No, I really am sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry [quickly disembarks at next stop].
Man #1: Did you see that? I ain't no fag.
--4 train
I've Been Trying to Help Lucky Get to the Cereal Bowl for Years
Info booth lady: I only have this map -- it's really not very helpful at all.
Tourist: Great! Thank you! This is exactly what I need!
--N train
Look, You Can't Go Around Displaying Enthusiasm -- What Will People Think?
Woman #1: Oooh! Look! A kid's store! It's so cute!
Woman #2: I hate you. I hate you for telling me that.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
It Keeps Things Fresh
Guy #1: So you have a girlfriend?
Guy #2: Yes, but I cheat on her. We have been dating for six years so I feel entitled,
naturally.
--43rd St & 10th Ave
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
The Ivory Tower has Some Cum Stains
Guy #1: Oh my god man! I just saw my ex!
Guy #2: So...fuck her!
Guy #1: Yeah,... fuck that fucking cunt...fucking cunt!
Guy #2: Did she look hot...?
Guy #1: Cunt.
--Pace University
Overheard by: Al Wilner
The Chick in the Leopard-Print Thong Was a Separate Gift from My Dad
Guy #1: Taking family members on a sex safari is not a good idea.
Guy #2: It was hardly a sex safari, idiot. I just took my brother to a massage parlor.
--Broadway & Canal
By and large
Former Columbia student: By and large, Barnard girls are Bi and Large.
-- East Village, private party full of recent Columbia alumni
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So I Put the Old Guy Out of His Misery
Shop guy: Well, I can help you if you want.
Old guy with carton of figs: Don't help me! Do it for me, dammit!
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: punkee
And Inexplicably Looove Titanic
Dude #1: The Japanese can't be that racist!
Dude #2: All I'm saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they're still going to hate the blacks.
--Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx
Which Are just Impossible to Get Clean
Drunk southern sailor: Yo! Where can we get some punani? Dave needs to milk it! I have a girlfriend, and he's got a girlfriend, but I'm throwing that to the wind and getting on it
Sailor #2: No way man, we're in our whites.
--12th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: cp
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
Do the Polite Thing and Just Buy Her a Nose Job For Her 21st Birthday
NYU girl #1: I am so fucking sick of the Jews for Jesus everywhere.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I know, it's really annoying.
NYU girl #1: It's not annoying; it's fucking insulting! What, do I look Jewish to them? I mean, seriously, I don't, do I? You'd tell me if I looked Jewish, right?
--Washington Sq Park
Overheard by: Emily
So Get Off My Foot and Find Things That Actually Deserve to Be Crushed
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There's a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There's also a lot of dreams in this world.
--2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· "The Buddha Grows Up" - Barry P.
· "Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck" - Rick Felice
· "Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am" - Golf Widow
· "The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech" - Peter Madsen
· "Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!" - Jo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And I Insist Upon Sharing All the Details of Our Love with You...Son
Thug #1: Your mom is a lady, bro.
Thug #2: I don't want to hear no more of this shit. Go fuck her in the ass. Go fuck her in the ear. I don't want to hear it.
Thug #1: No, dawg. She a WOMAN.
Thug #2: Fuck you, I said stoppit.
Thug #1: I know you smart. I know you smart. But she is a lady.
--61st and CPW
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
Transactional Analysis in the Ghetto
Voice over speaker phone: Bitch, I tol' you stay away! I tol' you back off! Bitch!
Girl, very calmly: That kinda attitude is why your man is eatin' my pussy.
--Washington & Lafayette, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: nmf
Even the Fans Inject
Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Becka Dash
This One's Just Weird
Woman Passenger: How do we get Bowery Street?
Passerby: Fuck you, you fucking clit, I love you!
--Bowery
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
She Should Not Have Done a Wheelie on My Foot, Though
Snob chick: So then she was like, "You're only saying that because I'm handicapped!" I hate the fucking handicap excuse.
Reverse-snob chick: But you were only saying that because she was handicapped.
Snob chick: Yeah...
--Washington Square Park
Now Get Your Punk Ass Back to the Playhouse
Man: I'm tellin' you, a perm makes you look good.
Woman: Goddammit, Pee Wee! No it don't! You think you know every mothafuckin' thing!
--Fulton & Putnam, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mira p
His Mom Always Said That, Too, But She Meant the Other Kind of Special
Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.
--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn
I'm More of an 'Assfuck 'em and Leave 'em Crying in a Puddle of their Own Urine' Kind of Girl
Teenage girl #1: Then he was kissing my forehead a lot after we hooked up so I told everyone there he was gay.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, that is really gay.
--Houston St station
It's Called the Constitution. Read It While Parts of It Are Still Valid
Disgruntled man: Fuck that.
Disgruntled woman: I know. You know she a Arabic, so she don't care about us.
Disgruntled man: Why the fuck they let that kind of people work there?
--Elevator, Children's Services, 125th & Lenox
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II
Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but...
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Zoe
Suit: Well, apparently I'm part psychic and part asshole.
--Union Square
Overheard by: quite the combo
Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep...
--1 train, Houston St
Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan
Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can't be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we're friends. Like I need this!
--Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall
Yuppie on cell: I don't give a fuck about them. As long as I'm on their will, I don't really give a shit.
--34th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Gunita
Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.
--Statue of Liberty
Overheard by: SuziQ
Assumptions: They Make an Ass Out of U and Social Workers
Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way...See, we're not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I'm a social worker.
--Brooklyn Heights
First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do
A guy pops his gum.
An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don't hear you? I've asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can't do that in a public place! It's a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?
--Penn Station
Self-Loathing Tourists Are the Worst Kind
Tourist chick: Know what would be awesome? If we could manage to not sound like assholes for like 10 minutes.
Tourist guy: We're from Ohio.
--PATH train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence
Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.
--34th & 7th
Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
--33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Wade
Woman: It's not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cha
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm interested in your sparring class...No, you see I want to hit somebody.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Braincurve
Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don't care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.
--Central Park
At the Free Will Special Olympics
Man: I'm just going to break into the apartment, okay?
Woman: You can't break into the apartment! It's not even your apartment!
Man: I can do whatever I want! Not you or anybody else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do!
--E 4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: martin
Wait for It...Wait for It...
Girl #1: I like to surround myself with ugly people because it makes me look prettier by comparison.
Girl #2: I know what you mean.
--F train
Overheard by: Daile
Talk About Bumping Uglies
Man #1: I dated my girlfriend for 3 years and never hit her once.
Man #2: Really, never?
Man #1: Well, once with the car.
--Coney Island beach
Don't Be Mad at Him; Be Mad at Newton
A man is stumbling down the street. He trips, falls hard and hits his head on the ground.
Guy: Sir, excuse me, are you okay? You just fell really hard.
Man: ...Fuck you.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: The L0rdz
And the Special Olympics Runners Totally Remove That Extra Chromosome before Every Track Meet
Chick #1 overlooking the Women's Wheelchair finals: Are they over there playing tennis in wheelchairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they're pushing those chairs with their feet.
--US Open, Queens
Overheard by: Working on my backhand
John Bolton Seems to Have Lost His Bearings
Tourist guy: Yo, where's the main road around here?
NY guy: Huh? Main road?
Tourist guy: Yeah, you know, the main drag. I don't know where the fuck I am, so I figure I'll find the main road and go from there.
NY guy: Well, where are you trying to go?
Tourist guy: Just the main fucking road, man. Where's that?
NY guy: This is New York. They're pretty much all main roads. I mean, look at the traffic.
Tourist guy: They can't all be main roads.
NY guy: OK. What about Broadway?
Tourist guy: I was just on Broadway. There's nothing there. Where's Times Square?
NY guy: It's right on Broadway.
Tourist guy: No, it's not, dude! I was just there and there's nothing there!
NY guy: OK, look. You wanna get to Times Square?
Tourist guy: At least that would be something.
NY guy: Fine. Turn around and walk back to Broadway--
Tourist guy: I don't want to go on Broadway! What's over there?
NY guy: The East River. The U.N.
Tourist guy: Fuck that.
--38th & 5th
Readers: Suggest a Snappy Comeback
Male employee: Thank you, and have a nice day!
Female employee: It's night time, you say have a good night. See the dark outside?
--McDonald's, Saint Mark's Place
So You're Saying You Won't Give Me a Blowjob?
Man: So, you think I can't understand because I don't have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don't sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You're crossing your legs so condescendingly!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lemma
Headline by: Manbo
Runners-Up:
· "Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina" - John Gray
· "I'm Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly" - shenanigans
· "I'm Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression." - robs
· "Well You're Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly" - burnt toast
· "Worst Yoga Class Ever" - benji
· "Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me" - pw
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When You're in Her, You're Family
Girl: What about that one ugly girl?
Guy: Man, she is so ugly. I would not touch that shit.
Girl: But you already fucked her!
Guy: Yeah, but it was only once. And I used a rubber.
Guy: You're an ugly cheating cocksucking whore; you're a fucking ugly slut. But you know why I stay with you? We have compatible personalities.
Guy: I hate that bitch. I want to fuck her in the ass.
Girl: But baby, you like to fuck me in the ass.
Guy: Yeah baby, but you like it when I fuck you in the ass.
Girl: Yeah, it doesn't hurt so bad when you remember to breathe.
Girl: So when we get married are you gonna stop fucking my sister?
Guy: But I've been fucking her for a while now...It's like a habit.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: helen r.