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Assholes (Best Of) All Categories > People > Assholes
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Wait... Ugly Women with Handsome Men?
Chick: She has low self-esteem.
Dude: She should. She's mad ugly.
Chick: I've known people who are ugly but really beautiful.
Dude: No.
Chick: No, really! I've seen ugly men with beautiful women and ugly women with handsome men.
Dude: I'm dumb-shallow. If you don't look good, you can't be my friend.
Chick: But you're judging people. Like God.
Dude: Fuck that. I pay my own rent. I don't need anybody. I'm straight, but all my guy friends look good. If you're ugly, you can't be my friend. I'm dumb-shallow. [A few minutes later] Yo, if someone says I don't look good, somethin's wrong with them or their eyes, 'cause I look good.
--4 train, rush hour
Overheard by: Veej
Nothing Like Faint Praise from the Unworthy
Outgoing misogynist: See, my friend gives you a nine, but that's because he loves Puerto Rican women. I give you a seven-and-a-half. [Lady nods without looking up from her magazine.] So, what do you think?
Head-in-hands misogynist: I think you just embarrassed me.
Outgoing misogynist: I think you overshot with that nine, that's what I think.
--4 train
Overheard by: Alex
He Was Hiding 35 Bodies in His Car
Girl: I hate clowns.
Clown guy: We hate you too.
--Church Avenue F station
Overheard by: sarah
I'm not looking at you. Your bored son is masturbating.
Father: Is he asleep over there?
Mother: Yeah, he's dozing. [Looks at other son.] Are you asleep, too?
Son #2: I'm bored.
Mother: He's always bored. I must've been bored when I made him. [Stands up and leans on father's knee and starts humping.] I'm bored, I'm bored[yawns], I'm bored.
Father: That guy is looking at you.
Mother: So? He doesn't look boring like you.
--Queens-bound F train
Overheard by: That guy on the F Train
Headline by: Jason
Runners-Up:
· "Charles and Diana Ride the Subway?" - Shawn
· "Most Priests Aren't That Exciting" - Brock
· "They Don't Call It the F Train for Nothing" - Sean McGurr
· "This Is the Express Train: From Boring to Whoring" - Sim Etrias
· "Try the Middle Leg....it's Less Boring" - nicky c.
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
Guy Did Have a Nice Ass, Though
Man #1: Yo, man! Get your ass out of my face! I ain't no faggot.
Man #2, bent over: I'm sorry.
Man #1: I oughta put my shoe up your ass.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: What, you didn't see me sitting here? I don't want your ass in my face.
Man #2: I'm sorry.
Man #1: No, you're not.
Man #2: No, I really am sorry. I apologize. I'm sorry [quickly disembarks at next stop].
Man #1: Did you see that? I ain't no fag.
--4 train
I've Been Trying to Help Lucky Get to the Cereal Bowl for Years
Info booth lady: I only have this map -- it's really not very helpful at all.
Tourist: Great! Thank you! This is exactly what I need!
--N train
Look, You Can't Go Around Displaying Enthusiasm -- What Will People Think?
Woman #1: Oooh! Look! A kid's store! It's so cute!
Woman #2: I hate you. I hate you for telling me that.
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Hannah
It Keeps Things Fresh
Guy #1: So you have a girlfriend?
Guy #2: Yes, but I cheat on her. We have been dating for six years so I feel entitled,
naturally.
--43rd St & 10th Ave
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
The Ivory Tower has Some Cum Stains
Guy #1: Oh my god man! I just saw my ex!
Guy #2: So...fuck her!
Guy #1: Yeah,... fuck that fucking cunt...fucking cunt!
Guy #2: Did she look hot...?
Guy #1: Cunt.
--Pace University
Overheard by: Al Wilner
The Chick in the Leopard-Print Thong Was a Separate Gift from My Dad
Guy #1: Taking family members on a sex safari is not a good idea.
Guy #2: It was hardly a sex safari, idiot. I just took my brother to a massage parlor.
--Broadway & Canal
By and large
Former Columbia student: By and large, Barnard girls are Bi and Large.
-- East Village, private party full of recent Columbia alumni
Do You Want to Start Learning Things? Do You?!
Little boy, passing gym: Oooh, they're doing exercises in an exercises store!
Little girl: Is that their job?
Mother: I told you to stop asking so many damn questions!
--B51 bus, Brooklyn
If These Balls Could Talk, They'd Say the Same Thing
Angry chick: I am so mad at you right now!
Boyfriend: Sorry, babe. It's not my fault you're still on your period.
Angry chick: I wasn't talking to you, Jake*, I was talking to my ovaries.
--Morton St
Overheard by: these walls are paperthin
Headline by: Damo
Runners-Up:
· "I Apologize for Ovaryacting" - Katherine Duke
· "Quiet! We're Trying to Decide Whether or Not We're Going to Trap You into Marrying Us." - Kara
· "The Whore Moans" - Stephanie L
· "You Could Always Get Rid of Them, and Earn 19 More Cents An Hour" - Kristen
· "You could have prevented this if you stopped wearing that damn condom." - Josh H
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
So I Put the Old Guy Out of His Misery
Shop guy: Well, I can help you if you want.
Old guy with carton of figs: Don't help me! Do it for me, dammit!
--75th & Broadway
Overheard by: punkee
And Inexplicably Looove Titanic
Dude #1: The Japanese can't be that racist!
Dude #2: All I'm saying is, drop another couple of nukes on them and they're still going to hate the blacks.
--Eastchester & Morris Park, Bronx
Which Are just Impossible to Get Clean
Drunk southern sailor: Yo! Where can we get some punani? Dave needs to milk it! I have a girlfriend, and he's got a girlfriend, but I'm throwing that to the wind and getting on it
Sailor #2: No way man, we're in our whites.
--12th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: cp
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
Do the Polite Thing and Just Buy Her a Nose Job For Her 21st Birthday
NYU girl #1: I am so fucking sick of the Jews for Jesus everywhere.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I know, it's really annoying.
NYU girl #1: It's not annoying; it's fucking insulting! What, do I look Jewish to them? I mean, seriously, I don't, do I? You'd tell me if I looked Jewish, right?
--Washington Sq Park
Overheard by: Emily
So Get Off My Foot and Find Things That Actually Deserve to Be Crushed
Angry, sweaty man pushing through crowd: Come on, move in! There's a lot of room in the middle!
Calm man: There's also a lot of dreams in this world.
--2 train, 34th St
Overheard by: mf
Headline by: CVK
Runners-Up:
· "The Buddha Grows Up" - Barry P.
· "Both Require That Someone Else Gives a Fuck" - Rick Felice
· "Crowds to the Left Of Me, Dreamers to the Right, Here I Am" - Golf Widow
· "The Alternative Martin Luther King Speech" - Peter Madsen
· "Well, Get Them the Hell Out Of My Way!" - Jo
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
And I Insist Upon Sharing All the Details of Our Love with You...Son
Thug #1: Your mom is a lady, bro.
Thug #2: I don't want to hear no more of this shit. Go fuck her in the ass. Go fuck her in the ear. I don't want to hear it.
Thug #1: No, dawg. She a WOMAN.
Thug #2: Fuck you, I said stoppit.
Thug #1: I know you smart. I know you smart. But she is a lady.
--61st and CPW
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
Transactional Analysis in the Ghetto
Voice over speaker phone: Bitch, I tol' you stay away! I tol' you back off! Bitch!
Girl, very calmly: That kinda attitude is why your man is eatin' my pussy.
--Washington & Lafayette, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: nmf
Even the Fans Inject
Dad: Ok, ok, it's two outs, we'll go after this batter.
Boy: Dad, I want water!
Dad: You know what I see? An impatient little boy who can't wait five minutes.
Boy: You know what I see? Someone who's gonna have their face broken because they didn't have any water!
--Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Becka Dash
This One's Just Weird
Woman Passenger: How do we get Bowery Street?
Passerby: Fuck you, you fucking clit, I love you!
--Bowery
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
She Should Not Have Done a Wheelie on My Foot, Though
Snob chick: So then she was like, "You're only saying that because I'm handicapped!" I hate the fucking handicap excuse.
Reverse-snob chick: But you were only saying that because she was handicapped.
Snob chick: Yeah...
--Washington Square Park
Now Get Your Punk Ass Back to the Playhouse
Man: I'm tellin' you, a perm makes you look good.
Woman: Goddammit, Pee Wee! No it don't! You think you know every mothafuckin' thing!
--Fulton & Putnam, Brooklyn
Overheard by: mira p
His Mom Always Said That, Too, But She Meant the Other Kind of Special
Girl: I accidentally got on at the wrong station and my card says "just used." Could you let me through?
MTA employee: You broke the rules. Do you think it's okay to break the rules where you work?
Girl: I'm sorry?
MTA employee: Oh, you must think you're special. Guess what? You're not.
Girl: My mom says I'm special.
--Bergen St. subway, Brooklyn
I'm More of an 'Assfuck 'em and Leave 'em Crying in a Puddle of their Own Urine' Kind of Girl
Teenage girl #1: Then he was kissing my forehead a lot after we hooked up so I told everyone there he was gay.
Teenage girl #2: Yeah, that is really gay.
--Houston St station
It's Called the Constitution. Read It While Parts of It Are Still Valid
Disgruntled man: Fuck that.
Disgruntled woman: I know. You know she a Arabic, so she don't care about us.
Disgruntled man: Why the fuck they let that kind of people work there?
--Elevator, Children's Services, 125th & Lenox
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
Wednesday-One-Liners Prep for Their Roles in Mean Girls II
Woman on cell: I feel bad about ripping the kid off, but...
--Fort Greene Park
Overheard by: Zoe
Suit: Well, apparently I'm part psychic and part asshole.
--Union Square
Overheard by: quite the combo
Blue collar guy: I stopped giving to panhandlers 10 years ago. This guy hit me up every day at my stop and one day I gave him a sandwich and some cigarettes. I watched him and he threw the sandwich away. I went over to him and worked him over pretty bad. I dumped the trash can and took out the sandwich and then took the cigarettes away from him. Then I knocked him down again and took all the money out of his pockets. I was really mad when he threw that sandwich away. Now I never give anything to those guys.
Suit: Yep...
--1 train, Houston St
Overheard by: Amused Minnesotan
Woman on cell: You see, this is why you just can't be nice to people. I was nice to her once, once! And now she thinks we're friends. Like I need this!
--Bus stop near Radio City Music Hall
Yuppie on cell: I don't give a fuck about them. As long as I'm on their will, I don't really give a shit.
--34th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Gunita
Girl: So my grandma died last week and it sucked so bad, I had to drive all the way to Hartford on Saturday and I totally missed the huge sale at H&M.
--Statue of Liberty
Overheard by: SuziQ
Assumptions: They Make an Ass Out of U and Social Workers
Lady: Hey, how do I get to Court Street?
Hobo: Two blocks that way...See, we're not all that bad. You got any change?
Lady: No, I know. Shut up. I'm a social worker.
--Brooklyn Heights
First the Gum Snaps, Then the New Yorkers Do
A guy pops his gum.
An older woman stands up and yells: Do you think I don't hear you? I've asked several times, who is popping their gum, and everyone looks around, and it was you! You can't do that in a public place! It's a violent sound! Now, will you be able to control yourself, or will I have to run away from you?
--Penn Station
Self-Loathing Tourists Are the Worst Kind
Tourist chick: Know what would be awesome? If we could manage to not sound like assholes for like 10 minutes.
Tourist guy: We're from Ohio.
--PATH train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a History of Violence
Guy, to girl: If I wanted to be angry, I would have punched you in the face a long time ago.
--34th & 7th
Woman on cell: Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
--33rd St & 31st Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Wade
Woman: It's not like someone put a gun to your head and told you to fuck her!
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Cha
Guy on cell: Yes, I'm interested in your sparring class...No, you see I want to hit somebody.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: Braincurve
Thug, to his girlfriend: Yo, I don't care if you a girl or not. I will bust you in the head with a rock.
--Central Park
At the Free Will Special Olympics
Man: I'm just going to break into the apartment, okay?
Woman: You can't break into the apartment! It's not even your apartment!
Man: I can do whatever I want! Not you or anybody else is going to tell me what I can and cannot do!
--E 4th St & Ave A
Overheard by: martin
Wait for It...Wait for It...
Girl #1: I like to surround myself with ugly people because it makes me look prettier by comparison.
Girl #2: I know what you mean.
--F train
Overheard by: Daile
Talk About Bumping Uglies
Man #1: I dated my girlfriend for 3 years and never hit her once.
Man #2: Really, never?
Man #1: Well, once with the car.
--Coney Island beach
Don't Be Mad at Him; Be Mad at Newton
A man is stumbling down the street. He trips, falls hard and hits his head on the ground.
Guy: Sir, excuse me, are you okay? You just fell really hard.
Man: ...Fuck you.
--14th & 6th
Overheard by: The L0rdz
And the Special Olympics Runners Totally Remove That Extra Chromosome before Every Track Meet
Chick #1 overlooking the Women's Wheelchair finals: Are they over there playing tennis in wheelchairs?
Chick #2: Yeah, I think they are.
Chick #1: Oh, please, you know they're pushing those chairs with their feet.
--US Open, Queens
Overheard by: Working on my backhand
John Bolton Seems to Have Lost His Bearings
Tourist guy: Yo, where's the main road around here?
NY guy: Huh? Main road?
Tourist guy: Yeah, you know, the main drag. I don't know where the fuck I am, so I figure I'll find the main road and go from there.
NY guy: Well, where are you trying to go?
Tourist guy: Just the main fucking road, man. Where's that?
NY guy: This is New York. They're pretty much all main roads. I mean, look at the traffic.
Tourist guy: They can't all be main roads.
NY guy: OK. What about Broadway?
Tourist guy: I was just on Broadway. There's nothing there. Where's Times Square?
NY guy: It's right on Broadway.
Tourist guy: No, it's not, dude! I was just there and there's nothing there!
NY guy: OK, look. You wanna get to Times Square?
Tourist guy: At least that would be something.
NY guy: Fine. Turn around and walk back to Broadway--
Tourist guy: I don't want to go on Broadway! What's over there?
NY guy: The East River. The U.N.
Tourist guy: Fuck that.
--38th & 5th
Readers: Suggest a Snappy Comeback
Male employee: Thank you, and have a nice day!
Female employee: It's night time, you say have a good night. See the dark outside?
--McDonald's, Saint Mark's Place
So You're Saying You Won't Give Me a Blowjob?
Man: So, you think I can't understand because I don't have a vagina?
Lesbo: Don't sit like that!
Man: What do you mean?
Lesbo: You're crossing your legs so condescendingly!
--Tea Lounge, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lemma
Headline by: Manbo
Runners-Up:
· "Almost Enough to Make Up for You Lack Of Vagina" - John Gray
· "I'm Just Jealous Because Mine Are Too Fat to Cross That Perfectly" - shenanigans
· "I'm Just Protecting My Tool Of Oppression." - robs
· "Well You're Waving Your Vagina Condescendingly" - burnt toast
· "Worst Yoga Class Ever" - benji
· "Yeah, Well Tell Your Nipples to Quit Pointing at Me" - pw
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
When You're in Her, You're Family
Girl: What about that one ugly girl?
Guy: Man, she is so ugly. I would not touch that shit.
Girl: But you already fucked her!
Guy: Yeah, but it was only once. And I used a rubber.
Guy: You're an ugly cheating cocksucking whore; you're a fucking ugly slut. But you know why I stay with you? We have compatible personalities.
Guy: I hate that bitch. I want to fuck her in the ass.
Girl: But baby, you like to fuck me in the ass.
Guy: Yeah baby, but you like it when I fuck you in the ass.
Girl: Yeah, it doesn't hurt so bad when you remember to breathe.
Girl: So when we get married are you gonna stop fucking my sister?
Guy: But I've been fucking her for a while now...It's like a habit.
--Olive Garden, Times Square
Overheard by: helen r.
...Of Peace on Earth...
Guy: He's the biggest fucking asshole I ever met.
Chick: Yeah.
Guy: No, I'm serious. He's the biggest fucking asshole in existence. The biggest--
Chick: --fucking asshole--
Guy: --I ever seen. Biggest. Biggest fucking--
Chick: --asshole. I got it.
Guy: And I gave that fucker $500 to make payments on his debt, and he doesn't listen to word I say. And I gave his daughter something--
Chick: Herpes?
Guy: Shut the fuck up. Besides that. I gave his daughter...Hey, you gonna drink that? You throwin' that away? You don't throw away beer!
Chick: It's all backwash.
Guy: Give it to me.
Chick: You're disgusting.
Guy: Don't fucking talk to me like that.
Chick: Or you'll give me herpes?
Guy: Not yet. But just wait.
Chick: Don't you dare even try to touch me. Let's go get some smoothies.
Guy: I could use a fucking smoothie.
Chick: You're paying.
Guy: Shut the fuck up, you fucking bitch.
--Original California Taqueria, Cobble Hill
Woman #1: He stepped on my foot!...He stepped on my foot!...Excuse me, you stepped on my foot.
Guy: Yeah, I know I did. You dropped that bottle on my foot.
Woman #2: It was an accident...
Woman #1: Don't you see that my bag had a hole in it? It was an accident.
Guy: No, it wasn't.
Woman #1: Oh yes, I did it deliberately.
Guy: That's right you did.
Woman #1: Oh I'm so sorry I woke you from your precious sleep
Guy: Yeah, that's right.
--B train
A suit on his cell accidentally bumps into a drunk girl on the LIRR platform.
Drunk girl: Why don't you say "excuse me!" What the fuck? Just say "excuse me!".
He ignores her and continues to talk on his cell. The drunk girl dumps a cup of water on his crotch. He doesn't flinch.
Drunk girl: Yeah, bitch! Next time say "excuse me", and maybe your crotch won't be wet!
He finishes his conversation and gets on the train.
--Penn Station
Mixed guy: Getchoo elbow out my chest, man!
White man: Eh, I'm just holding onto the rail; it's a packed train.
Mixed guy: Yeah, but why you got to be all up in my chest like that? Got you elbow in my chest!
White man: Well, does it even hurt?
Mixed guy: Yes. Why else would I even mention it? Respect my chest. Faggoty ass motherfucker. I gonna get the police all up in this shit, you motherfucking...respect my chest.
Irish guy: Shut up, yeh prick!
--1 train
Overheard by: Marguerite Carter
New York's Funniest: Unsung Heroes
Two cop cars are after someone, heading downtown on Fourth Avenue, sirens going. One cop brakes abruptly and throws it into reverse and makes a backward left turn onto 86th Street, where a civilian is sitting in his car, waiting for the light to change. The cop car smashes into the front of the civilian's car, and the cop announces on
his megaphone: Wake up, dildo!
--Bay Ridge
She Got Thrown Out Soon After (For Serious)
Girl: Why are you making fun of people? Someone as fat as you shouldn't be runnin' your mouth to nobody!
Drunk guy: OK, I may be fat but can lose weight. You'll always be a nigger.
Girl: Ooh, so now you're stupid and fat? Look drunk-ass, I'm not Black, I'm Dominican!
Drunk guy: Oh my bad, you're a Spanish-speaking nigger.
--Croxley Ale House, Avenue B
Plenty of Tricks Don't Require Pants
Hobo: Do you have a dollar?
Suit: Yes.
Hobo: May I have it?
Suit: Shouldn't you do a trick first?
Hobo: Fucker, I don't even own pants! You want me to dance for that shit?
--49th Street station
Overheard by: dank
Did I Mention That the Blind Man Had a Pistol?
Blind man: Anyone wanna give up a seat for a blind man? Any seats for a blind man on the subway?
A woman gives up her seat.
Suit: Man, I have got to try that one.
--2 train
Overheard by: Julia Giolzetti
Because Mr. Cruise is Clearly Well Balanced
L. Ron Hubtard: Do you have stress?
Man: I live in New York, what the fuck do you think? "Do I have stress?" Fuck you.
--Times Square station
Overheard by: ichi gami
I Wonder Who He Voted For?
A driver almost runs over a kid.
Driver: Look at the light! Look at the light!
Kid: Look at the street!
Driver: Go back to Russia, you fuck!
--Bensonhurst
You Said the Back Of Your Throat Itched!
Guy #1: Dude. Don't hold my hand; that is so gay.
Guy #2: Ok, so I can suck your dick, but not hold your hand?
--Outside Down The Hatch, 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Romany
A Quick Superiority Dance, Then Back to the Port Authority Bus Terminal
Tourist #1: What park is this? Where am I?
Tourist #2: It's Tompkins Square Park.
Tourist #1: Well, I am clearly too good for this park.
Tourist #2: What?
Tourist #1: Seriously, look at these people. I am way too good for this park and these people.
--7th and Ave A
Overheard by: Miss Parker
No, That's Why She Got Hep C
Woman: That's enough pushing, people. I'm pregnant and I'm nice and tight up in here.
Guy: That's why you got pregnant!
--6 train
Overheard by: john chianese
Nine Months is Not Nearly Enough Notice
Guy: What would you do if you had plans and then your sister had a baby?
Friend: Ummm... I'd go be with my sister.
Guy: Well, I wouldn't.
--N train
Overheard by: Katie
Just be sure you don't give her The Baby
Irish Guy #1: Did you see Peaches last week?
Irish Guy #2: Yeah.
Irish Guy #1: Mank. But I'd still give her the fuck.
Headline by: International Man of Leisure
Runners-Up:
· "'tis the fuck o' the Irish" - brian brinegar
· "And also, presumably, the cream" - lauren
· "May the bitch rise up to meet your cock" - Drewster
· "Mick Wanker Dicks Mank Yank Skank" - Rod W
· "Yeah, I'd hit the pit!" - janine
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I've Sucked Those Toes, So I Know!
Chick: Look, I didn't paint my toenails red after you made that comment.
Guy: Good, because the only girls who do that are selling their ass on the street.
--14th St & 7th Ave
Poe Write a Story About This Once
Store lady: What is your name sir?
Man: Bill [N-y-b-a-k-k-e-n.]
Store lady: Well, who is William?
Man: Bill is short for William.
Store lady: Bill is short for William, sure...
Manager guy: Yes, yes it is.
Store lady: Have a nice day.
Man: Unfuckingbelievable!
--Verizon, Wall Street
Behind the Laughter: Obscenities and Addiction
Balloon-Twisting clown: Ha ha! What are you, some kind of fucking gypsy?
Face painter dressed as gypsy: Do you want a fucking cigarette or what?
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: I quit, but that juggler looks like he could
She Should Not Have Asked to Watch
Boyfriend: Oooh, you look pretty in that dress.
Girlfriend: You're revolting. Don't touch me.
Queer buddy: Jeremy, this is your stop. Penn Station. Get out.
Boyfriend: No it isn't. This is 96th Street.
Girlfriend: Do you have any idea how much I hate you? Stop touching me.
--Downtown A train
Overheard by: Shane
Damnit, the GHB Should Be Working By Now!
Girl: Oh, and in French, they say-
Guy: -I don't care.
Girl: This date has been awful.
Guy: Shut up!
--78th & Broadway
That's Mistress Mayhem to You
Guy: Thanks, ma'am.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "ma'am?"? Do I look like a ma'am? I don't look that old, do I?
Guy: No, no; "ma'am" is a sign of respect, not age.
Teenage cashier: Okay, then.
Guy: Uh, thanks, hot mama.
Teenage cashier: Did he just call me "hot mama"?
--Gourmet Garage, Broadway
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Scenes from the Free Concerts
Man: Of course you have to pick the row with the cripple. I can't get up now because I'll feel bad that she has to use her cane every time!
Woman: Frankly, I didn't even notice.
Man: Yeah, till you kicked her cane!
--Prospect Park Bandshell
Girl: Excuse me!...Would you guys keep it down? I am trying to listen to the band!
Guy: Oh, I am sorry...Would you mind crossing your legs? I am trying to enjoy the outdoors.
--Prospect Park Bandshell
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
I'm Pretty Sure Africa Has Extradition Now
Guy #1: I'd rape her. I mean, if I were in Africa I'd rape her.
Guy #2: She has a cameraman that knows kung fu, you foul Negro!
Guy #1: After I shoot him in the head, all that kung fu knowledge bleeds out.
--Katra, Bowery & Rivington
Overheard by: Michael Winfield
I'll Bring the XXX Jug
Girl: So, I was thinking we could have a hick themed Thanksgiving.
Guy: What does that even mean?
Girl: You know, we could drink bad beer, and eat gross deep-fried food, and, like, rent hick movies and stuff.
Guy: "Hick movies"?
Girl: You know, like that Nicolas Cage movie where he lives in a trailer park, or that Hilary Swank movie where she's, like, a lesbian and stuff. Those are pretty hick.
Guy: That movie is about rape, and discrimination.
Girl: It'll be really fun.
--A train
I Wonder If She'd Be Soft to Sit On
Rider #1: Damn, this bike seat is uncomfortable.
Rider #2: Damn, that VS model is hot.
Rider #1: Shit, my yoddle feels like it's skewered like a lamb chop.
Rider #2: I wonder if she'll agree to be my next wife...
--42nd & 6th
She's Always Hiding the Head Inside Her
Girl: Mom, how long do you think the turtle will live?
Mother: What do I look like, a fucking turtle connoisseur?
--Canal & West Broadway
Overheard by: David Kopach
Grand Slam Wednesday One-Liners
Man selling CDs: If you like the Mets, you will love my album!
--8th & Broadway
Overheard by: nicole
Mets fan: I don't care if I have one lung, or only have half a pancreas, or if I lose a leg falling in front of the train. As long as the Mets win, I'm good to go.
--7 train
Asshole, pointing to guy with Red Sox bumper sticker on his wheelchair: He's a Boston fan; let's kick his ass! Oh wait, looks like God beat us to it.
--126th & St Nick
Conductor, on PA: That Johnny Damon. He sure looks like Jesus. But he sure throws like my little sister.
--Amtrak train out of Penn Station
Overheard by: Lisita
MTA worker: All people for the Mets game, go to your right. All people for the US Open, if any, go to your left.
--Willets Point-Shea Stadium subway station
Overheard by: Emily
Thugette: Yo, when I make it in show business, I will not speak to Ben Affleck. When I found out he's a Red Sox fan, I decided then and there.
--Q65 bus
Overheard by: A White Bear
Conductor: 161st Street, Yankee Stadium. Let Big Papi know who the real MVP is.
--D train
Overheard by: Lindsay J.
But Then We'd Be Stuck with Cheney
Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.
--Actors' Equity building
Overheard by: Cat
iDiot
Girl #1: Um, excuse me? Excuse me?...Excuse me, I need to get out here...Excuse me, I need to get out here.
Girl #2: Don't fucking push me!
Girl #1: I said "excuse me," you stupid fucking bitch! And by the way, your music sucks!
--L train
Overheard by: Lilit
She'll Never Make it to Banana Republic
Woman: Are these shirts still buy one, get one free?
Cashier lady: Um, I have no idea. Let me check.
She goes check signs and asks managers.
Cashier lady: No, they're not. I'm not sure they ever were buy one, get one free.
Woman: Oh, I was just kidding. I wanted to see what you would say. I figured it was worth a shot.
Cashier lady: Oh, well thanks for making me walk all over the store for no reason.
Woman: That's how you get success, honey.
--The Gap, 18th & 5th
His Medusa Cock Will Turn You to Stone
A bunch of people walk by a guy peeing.
Guy: Don't fucking look at my penis!
--St. Marks
Confirmed: Biological Terrorism Hits New York
My guy friend and I stopped on the sidewalk to finish up a conversation and say goodbye. A man walks by and gave a hard shoulder nudge to my friend and kept walking.
Guy friend: Yeah, excuse me!
Man: You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. You can't stop in the middle of the sidewalk; people need to get by.
An argument ensues, then the man walks away. He changes his mind, walks back and gets within inches of my friend's face.
Man: I have a cold and I'm going to talk right in your face!
--Broadway & Fulton
Overheard by: Jessie
You Can't Make This Crap Up
An activist interrupts a group of yuppie chicks having a discussion.
Activist: Do you have a minute for gay rights?
Chick #1: Sorry.
Activist: Have a good day.
He leaves them to their conversation.
Chick #1: Then he's been getting after me about how I'm selfish, and about how selfish I am.
--Union Square
He is the Goddamn Stool Maker...Big Stool
Guy #1: Holy friggin' crap dude, do you see the size of that guy over there?
Guy #2: Yeah. You see what he's eating?
Guy #1: What is that, a salad?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well hats off to him for at least trying to eat like a normal person.
Guy #2: Are you kidding? Hats off to the goddamn stoolmaker.
--Village Lantern, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: Douglas
Most Polarizing Overheard Ever
Fratboy #1: Can she bring some of her friends?
Fratboy #2: You don't want to meet her friends.
Fratboy #1: Why?
Fratboy #2: I don't know, they're...
Fratboy #1: They're fat, right?
Fratboy #2: Yeah.
--1 Train
Overheard by: Josh Caldwell
A UN for Assholes
Jerk: I love making fun of the German. I love making fun of the French, too. I'm an equal opportunity destroyer.
--D Train
Here Come 1800 Nickels
Hobo: You man, got a dollar?
Suit: Yeah, got change for a hundred?
--Water & Wall
Trains and Trannies
Chick #1: What an asshole. Do I look like a transvestite?
Chick #2: No.
Chick #1: Sometimes when a woman is tall and she's dressed like a woman, she really is a woman.
Chick #2: Unless you're in Chelsea.
--1 Train
He's Got a Point
Girl: Hey honey, slow down. My feet hurt and I'm cold.
Guy: Why don't you shut the fuck up and walk? I want to go the fuck home, bitch.
--Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: BabyGirl
King Howard, '04
Blowhard: America, like any country, is full of fucking idiots. I hate democracy because I hate these fucking people. Fuck democracy. I believe in fucking monarchy.
--Belly Bar
Pregnant Romanian Acrobat?
Doorman #1: What if she was a Chinese woman, would you help her?
Doorman #2: Oh, hell no.
--W 77th St
Overheard by: Cole Goadbog
Wednesday One-Liners Rent Bronx Butt-Sluts
Hipster: And I was like, 'Okay, well, here's some advice for you, then: Why don't you peel a banana and shove it up your ass?'
--Bedford Ave
Sassy black girl: Man, I love anal sex! That shit puts me to sleep!
--Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Auston McLain
Girl to guy: I am not shoving anything in your hole!
--LIRR
Overheard by: mish
Middle-aged man: Now I want you to take your dick out and fuck him in the ass.
--5th Ave & Union
Overheard by: Stephen
Woman on cell: You tell him he better pay for it. I better get his money. He needs a dick up the ass, that's what he needs. A fucking dick up the ass. 'Cause I got it. I got it all. So he better fucking pay for it.
--Restroom, JFK
Overheard by: colette
Angry man to friend: Well, fuck you up the ass! You just don't understand religion!
--Empire State Building, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: Wendy Booz
NewsFlash: Asshole Hangs Out at Sports Bar, Film at 11
Man #1: There are no cute chicks here.
Man #2: Yeah.
Man #1: Let's go some place else -- my wife is working overnight at the hospital.
--ESPN Zone Sports Bar, Times Square
Then You Should Stop Doing It...
Bully: What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? Why are you jacking me?
Scared Russian teen: I don't know what that means!
--D Train
Wednesday One-Liners Have a Permit for That
Woman: So he wakes up trippin' in the middle of the night, telling me to go get him a gun.
--Queens Blvd & 82nd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Conductor: This is an express train. Express. Express. Express. No Fordham, no Bronx. Express, express, express. Well...I wanna shoot myself!
--Metro North train
Overheard by: Jeff
Man: Hey baby, nice body ... Get fat and I'll shoot ya.
--Classon Ave & Lafayette Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: sheila
Hobo: My grandma isn't here anymore to send me to the store to buy her a Colt 45, but I can still love Jesus!
--Uptown 3 train
Overheard by: jane shields
Ghetto guy: Man, my boy just got shot!
--Stanton St & Orchard St
Overheard by: Kris
Thug: A gun? You gotta shoot that bitch with a crossbow.
--L train, Lorimer Ave
Traditionally the 10th is Kicks
Guy #1: Tomorrow is my 10th wedding anniversary.
Guy #2: Oh yeah, what are you going to do?
Guy #1: I'm going to buy a new belt and beat my wife with it.
--Office, 28th & Park
I'm Pretty Sure Vixen is Actually Lipstick
Guy: Hey look, it's fucking Rudolph. You gonna gimme a ride, Rudolph? You faggot.
Little girl: Yeah, all reindeers are faggots. All reindeers are faggots, you faggot reindeer.
--46th & Broadway
The Bedwetting She's Made Her Peace With
Woman: ...I am just trying to figure out why you thought it was okay for you to pack for a weekend at my parents' home, in a backpack.
Man: What's wrong with my backpack? You know I don't own an overnight bag.
Woman: How can your only alternative be a fucking backpack? You can't understand how that would be embarrassing for me? Jesus, Adrian, you're 37 years old and you're still traveling with a backpack?
--70th & 3rd
Overheard by: K. Bumsted
Zines: They're the Blogs You Can Never Delete
Guy: Dude! It's the guy who took over Factsheet 5!
Girl: Who?
Guy: Factsheet 5! It was a zine about zines.
Girl: Who?
Guy: Stop saying "who"! Factsheet 5 is not a person!
Girl: What?
--Park Slope
Surely She Doesn't Mean Ronald reggiN?
Woman: ...you know, he was much darker than the other kids who were really white, so he was called a nigger. He was dyslexic.
Man: Wha?
Woman: But he was a strong boy. One time when he was bitten by a dog, I came in to his room and he was lying there with blood on him. He didn't scream or say a word...a very strong boy.
Man: What are you talking about?
--Times Square
Blondie is a Group
The bartender is wearing a Blondie shirt.
Guy: Do you even know who Blondie is? Do you know who JFK is?
Bartender: Were you even alive when JFK was alive?
Guy: I'll bet you were born in 1982.
Bartender: Did anyone ever tell you how charming you are?
Guy: No!
--The Library, Avenue A
They Already Have a Boyfriend Anyway
Jock #1: ...Yeah, but I heard she was dating someone.
Jock #2: She can date...my balls.
Jock #1: Classy, man. Classy.
--Modell's, E. 86th Street
Depends on How Much Axle Grease You Put on It
Conductor: Good news for riders going local. This train is not going express, as previously announced, but going local, like normal. If there's such a thing as normal...Questions? Comments? Suggestions? See your conductor, located in the center of the train. Don't just walk around confused. Ask me! I know! Usually...Just a reminder to turn those frowns upside-down. Smiling burns more calories!
Guy: Giving the finger to the conductor burns calories, too.
--R train
Overheard by: Dawn
Some New Yorkers Aren't in Favor of Appeasement
Guy #1: What the fuck is it, walk slow day?
Woman: Yes, it's walk slow day, I'm from New Yo--
Guy #2: Shut the fuck up. I'm from 106 and Lex. I'll cut you...See, that's how you gotta do it. The second some crabby lady starts, you just say, "shut the fuck up." Escalate immediately.
--Spring & Broadway
We Also Carry Real New York Beatings
Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I'm having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from...Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can't even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don't have it, I'm gonna fucking...I don't know!...I'll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it's not me!...Ha, ha, ha!
5 minutes later.
Woman #2: That's her! That's her! That's the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It's like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can't wait to tell everyone a real New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It's awesome!
--Sephora, Broadway between 43rd & 44th
Overheard by: Non-Bitchy New Yorker
He Also Envies Civility and Decency
Guy #1: Oh my god, I know. I heard Versace is having a huge sale!
Man: Shut up, you damn queer!
Guy #2: He's just mad because he can't even spell Versace.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Nikki Starr
I Hate It When Mom and Dad Fight
Guy: Hey, if you're gonna pee you could at least find someone to clean it up. Did you hear me? If you're gonna urinate on the street, you could at least find someone to clean up after you!
Hobo: How about you go fuck yourself, motherfucker? How about that?
--Murray & West Broadway
Overheard by: Cait
Those Dishes Aren't Going to Wash Themselves
Man #1: Look at that bum. It's 2 in the afternoon, and he's just sleeping in a doorway.
Man #2: He's homeless. What the fuck else is he supposed to do?
--Charlton & Hudson
Believe Me, You're Better Off Not Knowing
Girl: You know what I really hate?
Guy: What?
Girl: Gays, queers. You know, that kind of stuff.
Guy: Ah...but you watch yaoi.
Girl: So?
--Odessa, Avenue A
Overheard by: allison
Usury It's With Very Great Interest
Old woman: You know I love them Jews.
Guy: How do you know I'm a Jew?
Old woman: You took the seat like a Jew.
Guy: How does a Jew take a seat?
--1 train
Overheard by: Max Ravyn
Hatred Against the Polish Are Stupid
White guy: I'm a pretty liberal-minded guy. I don't consider myself prejudiced or anything...
White girl: But..?
White guy: But I really don't like Polish people. I mean, I can't help it, I just don't.
--Union Square
Overheard by: Kristen
Overheard on Father's Day
Doctor (on cell): Hello Doctor...Just tell her to take more anti-depressants for God's sake. I don't know, tell her to take three. I'm with my kids for Father's Day, OK?
--33rd Street and 6th Avenue
Overheard by: Christopher
Welcome to the Jungle
Black girl: I didn't want to say this in there, but have you noticed how all Mexican men working in bars and restaurants look the same?
White girl #1: Well I bet they all think that white women look the same.
White girl #2: Well all elephants probably look the same to gorillas.
--West 3rd Street & 6th Avenue
The Scent of a Dwarf's Dick, Sevenfold
Guy: Your breath stinks, get away from me!
Girl: I just woke up. Imagine if the Prince had said that to Snow White? You think her breath smelled so great?
--98th & Columbus
Overheard by: Danielle Harris
Piss Off
Man Urinating Publicly: What do I care? I'm a convict!
--Waverly Place
Overheard by: Todd Seavey
I've Had About Enough of Her
Man: I can't believe how many immigrants there are.
Woman: Send 'em all back, what do I care.
Man: Isn't, like, your mom an immigrant? We all came from immigrants, you know.
Woman: Wah wah, send 'em back.
--D train, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Lauren Michelle
When Assholes Share, It Tends to Get Dirty
Guy #1: Hey man, you got an extra cigarette?
Guy #2: This is my last one.
Guy #1: Then why can I see the pack sitting in your pocket? Fucking asshole! Fucking dirty selfish asshole.
--38th & 7th
Overheard by: Andrew Wilbur
She's Bulimic, Not Sarcastic
Chick on cell: Fuck! I thought I told you not to touch that, asshole!
Chick #2: Watch your mouth, please. Not all of us want to hear that.
Chick on cell: Hey, I've got a ham hock and a cheesecake in my purse. I'll give it to you if you mind your own business. Fair enough?
--F train
Less of a Vibe and More of a Wave
Teen girl #1: She just has this sexual vibe about her--
Teen girl #2: No, she doesn't. She's fat!
--Park Slope
Overheard by: brownthomas
That's More of a Reflection on You
Head waiter: I'm sorry sir, but you can't smoke in here.
Cigarette guy: I can't smoke in here? Next thing you'll tell me I can't fuck in the bathroom.
--Cipriani's, 42nd Street
Overheard by: trey constant
Yet It Would Befit the Chairman's Agenda
Girl: If your cat has kittens, can I name one of them Chairman Meow?
Guy: If my cat has kittens, I'm going to put them in a plastic garbage bag and fling them into the river.
Girl: That's not very gentlemanly.
--9 train
Overheard by: djlindee
In Manhattan, Polite and Rude Can Be Hard to Distinguish
Guy #1: You should say excuse me!
Guy #2: I did say excuse me!
Guy #1: Oh...
Guy #2: What I should have said is 'Don't stand in front of the fucking doors!"
--Uptown 4 Train
Warm Weather, Cold Hearts
Hobo: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! How are you all today? My name is Sonny Payne--
Teen girl: And you're just a Payne in the ass!
--F train
Overheard by: Nicole A.
Hobo: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen--
Woman: Ah God, I can't take it this early.
--9 train
Coffins Now 10% Off with Student ID!
Employee: Can I leave at 5?
Boss: Why?
Employee: I cannot work here for more than 5 hours day, for medical reasons.
Boss: What reason?
Employee: Well, this work is so dull and unsatisfying that if I work more than 5 hours a day I could jump out the window?
Boss: Wait, did you say you go to NYU?
--22nd Street office
Bystander guy #1: Congratulations!
Bystander guy #2: One sixteenth of you are gonna make it!
--NYU Graduation Ceremony, Washington Square Park
Overheard re: New Jersey
Schlub: ...yeah, it's the nicest place--
Loudmouth: Yeah, but it's fuckin' in New Jersey!
Schlub: Yeah...Jersey...fuckin' Jersey.
--Murray Hill deli
Overheard by: Neelam S.
The Adolescent Female Hybrids Are Strangely Weepy
Husband: The male hybrids seem to want to breed but the females aren't interested, they just sit there and make no attempt to communicate with their peer group.
Wife: Are you being condescending? I sometimes think....I feel you're being condescending, especially when you talk about the hybrids....
Daughter starts to cry.
Husband: This is never constructive. We'll continue this later.
--7th Ave & 9th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: I really hope they're gardeners
Another Outburst and I'll Clear the Powder Room
Security guy: Ma'am, please step into the back of the store.
Chick: But why?
Security guy: Don't make this harder on yourself.
Chick: But why?
Shopgirl: They do make it harder on themselves, don't they?
Chick: Fuck you!
--Sephora, Spring & Broadway
The Terry Schiavo Comparison Didn't Go Over Either
Guy: Yo...you are a walking Katrina.
Girl: What?
Guy: You're a walking disaster area.
Girl: Whoa...too early...
--13th between A and B
Overheard by: Leah Beirne
OMG, It's Steve Martin!
Charity mugger: Excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about Children International?
Guy: Yeah...right.
Charity mugger: You don't have to be such a jerk about it.
Guy: Actually I do. You see, that's sort of my thing.
--Union Square South
Overheard by: stu-ee
Travis Learns He's Not Attractive Enough to Talk to Beautiful Strangers
Preppy guy waiting for walk signal: Hi there.
Hot girl: Um, do I know you?
Preppy guy: No, I was just being friendly...
Hot girl: Oh, yeah? Well then why don't you say hi to her, too? [Points to fat chick nearby.]
Preppy guy, to himself: God, I hate New Yorkers...
--Central Park
Overheard by: well I LOVE New Yorkers
Tough Love From His Straight Guy Support Group Sponsor
Latino guy on cell: Oh, she's "tearing your heart out"? You're a fucking faggot.
--Metropolitan & Union
Overheard by: Outmacked
The Maids Ain't Milking Anymore
Businessman: Yeah, I had to fire like 8 people one Christmas eve.
Businesslady: Oh! Ha, ha, ha, ha.
--Liberty & Nassau
Overheard by: Erika
He Means a Very Upset Infant
Guy: ...And she had the nerve; she didn't even ask me to be her friend. She just sent me her profile!
Chick: Omigod, you should so send her a frowny.
--Columbia University
Overheard by: djlindee
Looks Like the Bug-eyed Bronxite is Toast
Howard Dean: ...I think Ferrer can win--
Man: Mr. Dean! I would have voted for you, man!
Howard Dean: ...Thanks...
Man: I would have voted for you if you remove all the poison in your
body!...I would have voted for you if you loved America! You would have been a great president, but only if you weren't so poisonous!
Howard Dean: ...Thanks...
--20th & Park
Overheard by: Steve Gartland
She Didn't Implement Her Plan Very Well
Hipster girl: I want him to think I'm clever, not some desperate a-hole.
Hipster guy: Good luck!
--Central Park
Guy: Is that your boyfriend? I saw you guys making out at the bar.
Drunk girl: He's just a friend. He's whatever. I'll probably be making out with you tomorrow.
Guy: That's great.
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Spooner
Too Bad They Don't Give You Poison, Too
Human Leech: Oh, what you have to do is calculate your monthly income--and make sure you include in that the amount of money that your parents give you every month.
--Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg
Dreaming of a White Christmas
Girl: Yep. That's a big ass tree all right.
Guy: Mm-hmm.
Girl: Yeah, okay, great, big ass tree. I'm freezing, can we go to Starbucks now?
--Rockefeller Center
Maybe If You Shaved Your Balls?
Crazy woman: Get out of my way Andrea!
Guy: Wow, I didn't know my name was Andrea; maybe I should grow my hair out so I at least look the part.
--Fairway, 74th & Broadway
Wednesday One-liners Get Around New York
Suit: I mean, I felt like a complete idiot. I had no idea. You go to the Met and they'll just give you a wheelchair. All this time I've been walking around the damn place! You don't even have to have a note saying you're handicapped or something.
--2nd Avenue & 13th Street
Readers: Answer This Overheard Question
Activist: Hey, fur bimbo! How'd you get the blood off your hands?
--St. Mark's Place
Scenes from the Scene
Dude: Shit in the pussy!
Wolf Parade singer: ...Did someone just say "shit in the pussy"?
--Bowery Ballroom, Delancey Street
Overheard by: claudia gallego
Suit: Hey asshole standing up, sit the fuck down!
Hipster guy: Hey asshole sitting down, stand the fuck up!
Suit: I didnt pay $800 to look at the back of your head!
Hipster guy: Come down here and try something and i'll sue your ass! Nice suit, fag!
--Cream Concert, Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: zetasmack
Girl: Hey, you guys were great. If you're not doing anything after, call my number, I wrote it next to the monument [on this dollar].
Jurassic 5 singer: Wow..uh, great. Take care, now.
Girl: Yeah, see you later.
Jurassic 5 singer: ...Dude, she just gave me her phone number. You take it.
Guy: Yeah? Wow, thanks!
Jurassic 5 singer: Yeah, but buddy, you make sure you tap that shit, now, y'hear? A'right.
--70th & Broadway
Overheard by: Sharon B
Pat O'Brien: Um, excuse me...
Bouncer: Oh shit, that's Pat O'Brien, that's my peoples.
Guy: ...Aw, come on, we've been waiting out here for an hour and Pat O'Brien gets in?
Bouncer: Yo, don't step, Pat O'Brien is good peoples.
--Canal Room, West Broadway
Drag queen: Madonna should die! She sucks! She's a rapist, not an artist!...Madonna should die! I'll kill her!
Guy: Get a vagina, bitch!
--The Roxy, West 18th Street
Overheard by: G-Lock
One Doesn't "Pass" an IQ Test, Uncle Irony
After the woman sent them to the wrong place twice, my uncle went back to the information desk.
Uncle: Excuse me, but did you have to pass an IQ test to get this job?
Information lady: I'm wearing my eyeglasses.
--JFK
Love Would Have Warranted a Trip to Guantanamo
Middle-aged woman: Whatever happened to that guy you were in love with?
Young woman: We weren't in love, just seriously in like.
Middle-aged woman: So, what happened to him?
Young woman: I had him deported.
--64th & Broadway
It's Not Feigning If You Cop to It!
Guy #1: Whatever, you could feign interest in this conversation.
Guy #2: I am.
--Broadway & 44th
Overheard by: Matt Kuzelka
Easter Isn't Just About Cadbury Creme Eggs
Dealer: I got ecstacy, I got crystal meth, I got hydro...OK, y'all have a nice holiday.
--Washington Square park
Overheard by: Mark Asch
Street Preacher: Have you found Jesus?!
Guy #1: Why? Did you lose him?
Street Preacher: Have you found your Lord, our Savior, Jesus Christ?
Guy #2: Next time, try using better fucking nails!
--42nd & 8th
Overheard by: eb
Guy: I think her Easter eggs say "Satan" on them.
--27th Street office
Wednesday One-liners Need an MRI
Man on cell: Hello?...Yeah, I'm at the movies...Yeah, I know...I'm in the fucking theater!...I don't care if she needs brain surgery, I'm at the movies!
--Loews 19th Street East
"This train will be going express to Christopher St."
Woman: C'mon, please move into the train.
Guy: Would you like to crawl into my asshole?
--1 train, 34th Street station
Just Practicing for a Future Prison Sentence
Meathead #1: Dude, you saw Mitzo was found "Not Guilty" of child molestation, right?
Meathead #2: Yeah I did. Have you talked to him?
Meathead #1: Yeah, we were doing high-fives over some little girl's back while we sodomized her.
--Victor's Gym, Sherman Avenue
Overheard by: jermaine propane
The Bitch is From the Dad's Side, Oddly
Chick: You think I won't step up and kick some nigga's ass just because I'm a bitch? I'm bisexual. Yeah, I'm bisexual: I'm half bitch, half nigga.
--Q train
Overheard by: Reb Stu
Wednesday One-liners Are a Dumb Idea
Suit on cell: Yeah, but none of us respect Alex...Why? Because he's a retard!
--53rd & 5th
Overheard by: Sara B.
The Most Horrifying Sound in the Universe
Bike guy: Well why don't you shut up, bitch?
Woman: Whatever.
Bike guy: I'll break my dick off in your mouth.
--Spring between Broadway & Crosby
"If I was you, I'd give me a dollar."
Hobo: Please man, can I have 25 cents? It's to eat, ya know...
Man: Here you go. But if I was you, I'd eat something else.
--Hylan Boulevard, Staten Island
Overheard by: Helniev
Creepiest Pickup Line Ever
Guy: Can you get your backpack out of my back?
Boy: There's nowhere to put it.
Guy: Why don't you put it in your ass?
--M86 bus
She Should Have Dropped "Y'know What I'm Sayin'?"
Asian girl #1: Who's that guy that's not Steve Harvey?
Asian girl #2: Cedric the Entertainer.
Asian girl #1: Yeah, he might have been in The Cookout.
Asian girl #2: Oh my God, that's so racist. "Who's that guy that's not Steve Harvey?"
Asian girl #1: Well, you knew who I was talking about!
--McDonald's, 85th & 3rd
Overheard by: Aisha Moore
Oh, and Speaking of Assholes ...
Guy #1: Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted.
Guy #2: I am. My life is so weird right now.
Guy #1: Still working on the divorce?
Guy #2: That's pretty much finalized, actually. It's this girl I started seeing last week.
Guy #1: Wait, you're dating that hot Russian chick?
Guy #2: Yeah, Svetlana*. She's a total nympho -- I haven't slept in days. She won't leave my crotch alone. Plus, whenever we're going at it she keeps calling me 'Master.' It's fucked up.
Guy #1: You just lost any chance at sympathy, asshole.
--D train
I Too Thought They Were Some Sort of Reptile
Hobo: Hi, My name is Sonny Page, I'm homeless and I'm hungry. If you don't have it I understand 'cause I don't have it. But if you could spare some money, food, a sandwich, I would really appreciate it.
Guy: Aw. Fuck, didn't I give you change this morning? You're still hungry?
--F train
Sorry, All Sold Out
Old guy: I'd like two tickets to Times Square please.
Booth lady: What?
Old guy: Two for Times Square please!
--Whitehall Street station
Oooh, and Asparagus
Angry guy: Fuck her and fuck her wedding. I piss on her nuptials. I shit on her nuptials.
Angry wife: I know. I know. But we still have to send a gift.
Angry guy: A gift? I should shit in a box! Tomorrow you get a box from Tiffany's. Today I eat walnuts!
--Trader Joe's, 14th St
Her Ears Must Be Huge
Chick #1: Where's [Suzy]?
Chick #2: She's in Vegas.
Chick #1: She is? How'd she get there so fast?
Chick #2: I dunno. She's fat. She can fly.
--Starbucks, 53rd & Park
If He Stabbed Her That Would Be the Perfect Punchline
Black girl: Did you put butter on that bagel?...That's too damn fast to be any good. Hey, hey, don't use that knife, it has egg on it and I do not eat eggs!
Deli guy: This is not eggs. This is cheese.
Black girl: And so what is your point?
--LA cafe, 23rd & 5th
Fun at the SI Ferry (It Is Possible)
A businesswoman throws up over the edge of the ferry. A chick walks up to help her, and then admonishes the ignoring crowd standing around her: You should all be ashamed of yourselves for not helping this poor woman!
Headphones Guy: Fuck you!
Chick: What if it was you getting sick over the rail?
Headphones Guy: Fuck you! I don't get sick!
--Staten Island Ferry
Guy #1: Don't you think that makes sense?
Guy #2: No, it doesn't make sense, which is why I think we're going to fucking get arrested!
--Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: David Lock
My Kid Will Be Twice the Asshole I Am
Lady holding child's hand: If one more person bumps into me today I am going to fucking kill them.
Passerby: Good, lady, teach your child to be an asshole just like you.
Kid: Fuck you, asshole!
Passerby: See!
--Subway, 86th St
No Matter How Worthless You Are, There's This Girl
Girl #1: I wouldn't get married in New York, no way.
Girl #2. Me neither.
Girl #1: Out of town somewhere, New Haven, Scarsdale: way better. It'd be ridiculous here. Can you imagine?
Girl #3: Yup, right.
Girl #1: Only if I married for money. If he has money, then it's a different story. Let's say, 250k a year. Stockbroker, mortgage investment banker, lawyer surgeon, you know. At least 250 grand, or it might as well be in Boston. And I have to have an au pair, later.
--Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Christopher Lee
Readers: Answer This Overheard Question Without Using the Word "Bitch"
Irate man: ...so what?! Does she want me to buy her another dog?!
--Perry & Hudson
Actually She Gave Me Some Good Chick Advice
Literary Agent: I'm full of shit. I can't help it!
--36th Street
It's a Nice Haircut, Too
Chick: Good-bye [departs train].
Guy #1: Good-bye.
Guy #2: Eddie*, your sister is really pretty.
Guy #3: Don't call her that -- 'pretty' is something you say about nice girls, not whores like that.
Eddie: What are you talking about?
Guy #3: Ed, don't take it out on me, but at Dave's birthday party your sister was in the bedroom working for 10 dollars.
Eddie: ... I'm gonna kill Dave. Why didn't you tell me about this?!
Guy #3: Because she was right there! [Silence, then Eddie departs.]
Guy #2: 10 dollars? What's her phone number? I've got 10 dollars.
Guy #3: I know, best 10 bucks I ever spent.
--D train
You Sure Can Catch Boogers
Guy: Can I help you?
Woman: You got boogers.
Guy: What?
Woman: You got boogers on your hand. I don't want it.
Guy: I got allergies.
Woman: Well, whatever it is, I don't want it!
Guy: You can't catch allergies...
--Times Square station
Overheard by: Anton I
Those Sorority Chicks Are Real Skeletons
Girl: I haven't talked to her since she left for college. How is she?
Guy: I don't know, man...I haven't heard from her either, so I guess she's just, like, decaying or whatever.
--80th & East End
Overheard by: Anne O.
Falling and Chipping Your Dentures Isn't a "New Trick"
Girl #1: Jeez, that old woman just standing in the middle of the sidewalk, I wanted to push her.
Girl #2: You're never too old to learn a lesson.
--Balthazar, Spring Street
Overheard by: zrd
The Secret is Putting Marshmallow Bits in the Vials
Fat guy #1: So I go in and he's like, "This definitely isn't a fun job or anything. It's not an exciting job. This isn't one of those jobs where you going to be happy about coming into the office in the morning. This job isn't, you know, you're not going to learn anything at this job. But you'll make a lot of money."
Fat guy #2: Cool.
Fat guy #1: Yeah, so I can sell my soul, y'know? I'm like, "I'll sell crack to kids if I could make a lot of money."
--E train
NY v. NJ Explained in One Scene
NJ driver: Hey! Red means Don't Walk!
Girl: It's blinking!
NJ driver: That's the same thing!
Girl: No it's not, dumbass!
--74th & Broadway
That's Public Service for You
One postal agent to other, speaking of the UPS agent nearby: Tell him to pick up all the heavy boxes, especially for the walk-ups.
--Bleecker street
Overheard by: Disco Lama
Even Worse, it Was on His Mom's Side
College kid #1: God, that girl over there's hot!
College kid #2: Dude, you need to stop being so obsessed with chicks with tattoos. I fucked a girl with a tattoo, and it was pretty unpleasant.
College kid #1: That's because she was 48 years old and a grandmother...[To entire train] Did everyone hear that? A grandmother!
--L train
Overheard by: Zak Santucci
But Since She Is, I'll Ask Her to Do It
20-something girl with mom, hands full: Could you hit One for me?
Man, pushing button: You're welcome.
20-something girl: Oh! Thank you.
Man: Learn some manners.
20-something girl: Man, I'd tell you to fuck yourself if my mom wasn't with me.
--20th St & 1st Ave
Someone Needs to Go to the Learning Annex
Man: Watch where you're going.
Woman: Why don't you get out of the way?
Man: Fuck you, lady.
Woman: You come from the land of yonder where animals exist!
--23rd Street F station
Overheard by: jill Bee
That's Where Everyone's is Located
Lady: Excuse me, where is Nathan's?
Guy: It's around the corner, asshole.
--South Street Seaport
Why Is She Asking Him?
Hobo: Can you spare some change?
White girl: What? Why don't you ask anyone else around here? What is this, "Ask the White Girl Day"?
--Bushwick
Something's Not Kosher
Boyfriend: Fucking tourists!
Girlfriend: Seriously!
Boyfriend: Let's go to J&R.
Girlfriend: It's Saturday.
Boyfriend: Fucking Orthodox!
--Century 21, Cortlandt Street
Overheard by: Joe Baranello
My Thinking is Crippled
Pedestrian #1: I'm fucking handicapped. I can park anywhere I want to.
Pedestrian #2: If you're handicapped, how come you're walking?
Pedestrian #1: It ain't my legs that's handicapped.
--3rd between A & B
Overheard by: Abby
Half-woman Picks Up Half the Bill
Guy #1: It's a lunch date.
Guy #2: It's lunch, but it's not a date. Man, she's a midget!
--Union Square
What A Charming Young Gentleman
Urban Youth: Fuck you, you fat fucking fucks! Motherfucking cops. Suck a fucking dick! All society. They show no respect, then they get mad when we don't show any. Say we're mad animals. Try to shut the door on purpose when they see me coming. Suck mad cocks!
--D Train
Spheres of Influence
Woman: I'm sorry, I know this is probably a lot to ask for, so I apologize, but do you think that you could maybe close your legs a little bit, please?
Suit, with his legs still spread wide: No. My balls are too big.
--7 train
Overheard by: cowering in corner
He Got the Idea from Dr. Phil
Guy #1: Yeah, she wouldn't shut up so I peed on her.
Guy #2: Just what I would have done, bro.
--Central Park
Those Poor Crabs Are Now in Detox
Old junkie guy #1: ...So the bitch is fucking bitching about wearin' a condom. She won't let me bust my nut in her 'til I slap one on. So I do! And the bitch gives me crabs!
Old junkie guy #2: What a ho.
--Bx15 bus
Orthodox Mormons Have All the Fun
Guy on cell: Hello?...What do you mean you have bad news?...You're pregnant? How could you be pregnant?...I thought you were on the Pill? How did this happen?!...I just got engaged to your sister on the 4th of July...This is really bad news...How long have you known?...A week?! Why did you wait a week to tell me?...Your sister is going to go through the roof...No, she doesn't come back until Monday...So, I'll see you tonight?...I told you, I just got engaged to your sister. You can't be pregnant...Okay, have a good afternoon.
He makes another call.
Guy on cell: Hey...You know Claire*?...Yeah, Lauren's* sister...Yeah, the hot one...Well, she's pregnant...Me!
--46th between 5th & 6th
Wednesday One-liners for the Holidays
Guy: If I ever beat my kids during Christmas, this is the song I'd play.
--Ulysses, Pearl Street
Overheard by: Dennis Sugrue
Mocking Sarah Jessica is So Two Hours Ago
Guy #1: How long have we been coming here and how long has that waitress been working here?
Guy #2: She's been here for at least 2 years.
Guy #3: She must be the worst actress in all of New York City.
--Brother Jimmy's, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Fritz Chestnut
At the Very Least That Dog's Pretty Smart
A blind woman and her dog are making their way into a Duane Reade through the "Out" door, with difficulty to keep the door open. Behind them is a WASP lady, waiting to get in.
Blind woman: Good, good, now make a hard left, to the counter, to the counter.
WASP lady: Idiots.
--74th & 3rd
You Two Are Both...Oh, Wait
Girl: Does your tan go away quicker when it's cold out?
Guy #1: Yeah, it's like why water turns white when it freezes.
Guy #2: You two are both idiots!
--58th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jester
Looks Like A Hack Just Got One Year Older
Guy: Happy Birthday!
Woman in Bday hat: Happy Birthday? I'm old enough to be your fucking mother. Wait, how the fuck old are you?
Guy: 30.
Woman: OK, maybe not, but old enough to be your father's younger sister's kid's mother.
--outside Comic Strip Live, UES
Got a Match?
Cop #1 to kid holding paper towels to his bleeding head: Lemme see your head, man. [Kid shows him the gash.] Holy shit!
Kid: What the fuck, man?! Aren't you supposed to be comforting me or some shit?!
Cop #1: Sorry! Well, at least you're coherent.
Cop #2: At this point, with that gash, you could light up a joint and I wouldn't tell.
--9th St, between Ave A & B
Overheard by: rpk
Also Dead People
Guy #1: I love making fun of the Amish online.
Guy #2: Why?
Guy #1: Because they'll never know.
--25th & 3rd
Overheard by: Keegan
I Don't Need to Take This from a Pregnant Stripper
Angry girl: What do you mean you didn't fuck up?
Boyfriend: I didn't fuck up!
Angry girl: You got a stripper pregnant! You fucked up!
--Sandwich shop, Bleecker
Overheard by: Catie
Take Me, My Mighty Silverback!
Jerk in back row: Paul McCartney should have stopped after the Beatles. I mean, what the fuck else good did he do after that? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing. He couldn't go from point A to point B. What's the shortest distance from A to B, again? Like, the hypotenuse of a triangle? He never found the hypotenuse without Lennon.
Annoyed man in front of him: Dude, the hypotenuse is the longest side. Now shut the fuck up.
Annoyed man's girlfriend: That was so hot.
--Carnegie Hall
Or Just Worn a Gas Mask
Girl #1: I told you I finally got that bag right? It was marked down to $200 and...
Guy: My god! Can you stop talking to me, your breath stinks!
Silence until they exit at 96th St.
Girl #2 to friend: Dang, guys are mad grimey these days. He coulda been a gentleman and offered the sista a stick of gum or something.
--1 train
Overheard by: Shea
What Happened to You, Alex P. Keaton?
Banker guy: I hope you have bail money.
Bouncer guy: Fuck you.
Manager guy: What's the problem here?
Banker guy: He shoved me.
Manager guy: I don't know anything about that, but you didn't bring ID.
Banker guy: I have my Dartmouth ID and my Goldman Sachs ID.
--outside Brass Monkey, Little West 12th Street
Overheard by: pb dot c
"I mean, he's not Christopher Reeve funny."
Girl #1: I used to throw these really great parties and I invited this paraplegic guy who liked to do comedy routines. So he started his routine, and this fat lady runs up and starts grabbing his ass--
Girl #2: Was he funny?
Girl #1: Well, I don't know, you know? He was just getting warmed up, and he kinda lost his flow when this woman started grabbing his ass and he couldn't really stop her...I guess he was sort of funny.
--7th & Leroy
Is It Going to Work Out with Wednesday One-liners?
Woman on cell: Yeah, he told me the next day that he cried himself to sleep. I got so mad. I was like, "I don't wanna hear that shit!"
--Target, Atlantic Avenue
Overheard by: alex
Chick: Is it really cheating if it only happened once?
--26th & Lexington
Guy on cell: Look, I'm driving so I can't talk right now, ok? Good-bye...Fucking bitch, never leaves me alone.
--Burger King, Union Turnpike
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Girl: So are we breakin' up or what? It's getting late!
--59th & Lexington
Overheard by: Mike
The Very Limited Minutes Plan
An old Russian man has put his bag on the seat next to him. An old lady asks him to move it. He refuses as there are other seats albeit not in the front. Things get escalated until the old lady says: You're a son of a bitch. I'd like to see you hit me with that. I'll call the cops right now. I've got my cell phone!
--B1 bus
(After this exchange our editor handed her his card and told her that she would be on this site. She was confused on so many levels that they kind of cancelled out and she nodded & smiled.)
Oooh, My First Rude New Yorker!
Suit: Hey, do you have a light?
Polite Englishman: Sorry, I don't smoke.
Suit: I asked for a light, not your fucking life story.
--Times Square
Overheard by: English, not polite
That Got Her Raped Last Time
HS guy: Would you like to buy a bag of M&M's to support our basketball team?
Chick: Sorry.
HS guy: Come on, just one bag, we're raising funds for our team--
Chick: Sorry. I'm sorry.
HS guy: "Sorry", what is that, "sorry"? Why don't you just say "no" if you mean no? Why don't you just say "no"?
--13th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lily
To Make You Grateful to Be Childless
Man: Excuse me, but that kid's screaming is ruining my museum experience.
Dad pushing stroller with shrieker inside: Listen, pal, she's two years old--
Man: --So why did you bring her?!
--Ancient Near East Galleries, the Met
How Wily Odysseus Escaped the Island of Calypso
Conductor on PA: Excuse me, ma'am, maybe it would work better if you went to the next door -- it's less crowded. [Lady walks to next door, but before she gets there the conductor closes them.] Haha, bitch! Toot, toot!
--Crowded 2 train
Overheard by: CeLia
I'm Ashamed to Be a Woman, Wednesday One-liners
Girl: Ugh. I hate it when guys come up to me and start talking about current events. Like I care. I just dismiss them.
--Queens College
If the Light's Purple, You're Crossing Over
Bike guy: The light's red. Move out of the way.
Woman: Fuck you. I don't care if the light's purple, bitch. I cross when I want!
--20th & 8th
I'm Sure Your Brother is Saying the Same Thing
Guy on cell: ...so I say to her, "Why the hell do you have a cell phone if you don't use it?". God, my brother is an asshole and my girlfriend is a moron!
--Clinton Street
Overheard by: nappytee