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Baristas (Best Of) All Categories > People > Baristas
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When Are You Not?
Barista #1: Dude, that would be awesome.
Barista #2: That's crap. That would look stupid, and I will give you 50 bucks if you find me one!
Barista #1: Deal.
Customer: What are you guys talking about?
Barista #2: Human cheetah man.
--Tea Lounge, Union St
We Don't Serve That Here, Redux
Customer: I would like a coffee, a white coffee.
Barista: Excuse me, sir? You'd like...white chocolate in your coffee? We don't do that.
Customer: Mo, I mean...like a black coffee, but with milk...a white coffee?
Barista: Where are you from, sir?
Customer: Near London, in England.
Barista: That's the fourth one today, you English are crazy!
--Starbucks, Times Square
Overheard by: Adrian
And Quickly, Before Life Kicks the Stuffing out of Me
Female employee: So I think my old coworker might be a widower!
Male employee: That's so awesome! I want to write a poem about it.
--Starbucks, Columbus Circle
Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other
Employee: Ma'am, can I help you?
Woman: I'd like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3...
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She'll take 6.
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse
Later, in Bed, They Combined to Make a Chocolate Mocha Grande
Male, black barrista: Venti iced coffee!
He stumbles walking to the counter.
Female, black barrista: That's a venti Harlem shake!
--Starbucks, Grand Central Terminal
Overheard by: Traveler Bill
He's Also Homer Simpson, Apparently
Barista guy: You can't bring that dog in here.
Dude: What kind of coffee do you have today?
Barista guy: I'm not telling you what kind of coffee we have until you get that dog out of here.
Dude: No really, what kind of coffee do you have today?
Barista guy: Is that a working dog?
Dude: Yeah...
Barista guy: Are you blind?
Dude: Yeah...
--Starbucks, 47th & 3rd
Overheard by: Cait
Well, Those Are the Two Options
Chick: So, you're working here now?
Barista guy: Well, had they taught me karate from a young age like they were supposed to I would be fighting shoguns in Japan right now.
--Park Slope coffee shop
Overheard by: kendell chambers
Better Get It To Go
Man: Excuse me, waitress!
Barista: I'm not a waitress.
Man: Kidding... What's your name?
Barista: Alyenne.
Man: Do you spell that like "Alien"?
Barista glares.
Man: Kidding...
--168th & Broadway
I'm Saving It for Marriage
Barista: Would you like to try a cappuccino muffin?
Customer: No, thanks. I don't want to start my appetite yet.
--Starbucks, 45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Cat
Headline by: Mandaliet
Runners-Up:
· "And i don't want to have to shove this down your fucking throat, but i will if... Whoa... Too much soft jazz, if you know what i mean... Sorry." - Mike Chmiel
· "Its Bad Enough My Lungs Keep Breathing" - Chuckie
· "Stomach: Let's Get Ready To Rummmmmmmble!" - Paul K.
· "The first step is admitting you have an appetite." - greg
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Seminal Wednesday One-liners
Hip Hop Guy on cell: I'll just keep my nuts shaved and everything'll be fine.
--Varick Street
Coffee guy on phone: I'm not talking about whacking off, I'm talking about fried chicken!
--Alt.coffee, Avenue A
Overheard by: Dibson Hoffweiler
You'll Be Sorry -- This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!
Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You're selling a triberry muffin. Well, what's a triberry? I've never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren't any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That's false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it's called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don't understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don't think so. I don't want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]
Barista: Dumbass.
--Starbucks
Overheard by: Waplow
Not a Creature was Stirring
Dude: There are about 20 mice running around the glassed-in area over there.
Store guy: Oh yeah. We know. Every Starbucks has mice.
Store chick: They're cute!
--Starbucks, Astor Place
Overheard by: The Tep
Store guy: Welcome to K-mart! Happy Holidays! Merry Christmas!
Woman: Yeah, whatever. Um, where do you have the rat poison?
--K-mart, East 8th Street
Overheard by: Aerialist
Unlike Those Absurd Fortune Cookies
Barista: "Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds."
Guy: Excuse me?
Barista: I was reading the tea bag tag.
Guy: You read a lot of tea bags?
Barista: Sometimes they have something important to say.
--51st St. deli
"...and where's that pepper bar like in your ads?"
Woman: I want a vanilla coffee creme.
Barista chick: I can get you a cup of plain coffee with vanilla
syrup, and you can put the milk in over there. Unless you want a
latte or something?
Woman: What's a latte?
Barista chick: It's espresso with milk.
Woman: Oh, espresso! I think that's a little strong... What about a cappuccino? Do they have those here?
--Starbuck, West 4th Street & Washington Square East
All Hail the Hypnobarista
40-something: Okay, lemme get two grande black coffees.
Barista: $4.10.
40-something: You know what? Make those ventis.
Barista: $4.44.
40-something: Okay, don't kill me, but could I get one grande and one venti?
Barista: No.
40-something: What?
Barista: No.
40-something: You know, two ventis is perfect.
--Starbucks, Union Square
The Giulianification of Times Square Continues
Woman: Um, excuse me but there's no sugar at either station.
Barista girl: There's no sugar. We ran out.
Woman: None?
Barista girl: No, they ain't got any on 42nd either.
--Starbucks, 43rd & 8th
What Arthur Got Was More of an Expectoresso
Customer: I'll have a large espresso.
Barista: Coffee?
Customer: No, black tar heroin!
Barista: Right away, sir.
--Starbucks, Staten Island
Actually, I'd Butt-Fuck Him Right Now for Some Raw Cookie Dough
Friendly male barista: Hi, what can I do you for?
Stoner #1: I'm not a fuckin' queer, man.
Stoner #2: Yeah, man. And even if he was, he'd be mine!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: The girl in line behind this guy
We Don't Serve Surgery Here Either
Old woman: What did you tell me I needed to pay for?! What was it?!
Barista: Some new teeth.
--Starbucks, 34th & 7th
Overheard by: cmatta
Ordinarily I'd Add My Own Cheer
Barista: Soy latte coming up.
Monotone man: Will you make it with holiday cheer?
Barista: Uh... Okay, sure.
Monotone man: I'm a little tired today.
--Starbucks, 114th & Broadway
How Lois Got a Sneezer
Barista: Okay, and a name for your cup?
Tourist: What?!
Barista: Name for your cup?
Tourist: Why would I want to name my cup?!
Barista: Just tell me your name.
Tourist: I shouldn't have to tell you my name -- what is your problem? [Turns to friend] My lord, New York is so weird...
--Starbucks, Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Oh, That Rooftop Party
Barista: Man, I need some Vicodin.
Female customer: Let me look in my bag. [Looks in bag] No, must be in my other bag. My butterfly bag.
Barista: Oh.
Female customer: Last year, when I was depressed, a friend of mine took all my drugs. Then I went to her place, and I said, "Hey, can I have my drugs back?" So she gives me this one bottle. And later I go in her bathroom, and I look in the medicine cabinet, and they're all right there. I mean, why would she leave them there? She had to know I'd just go in there and take them back.
Barista: Ah.
Female customer: And later I went to a party--you know, that rooftop party--and someone stole all my OxyContin.
Barista: I was just kidding. I've had a stressful day.
--Alt.Coffee, Ave A between St Mark's & 9th
Just Slowly Back Away from the Terrifying Foreign Person
Barista: Sir, you can pay for the juice over there.
Middle-aged Brit: But I bought it.
Barista: No you didn't.
Middle-aged Brit: Yes, I did -- at another place.
Barista: Yeah, oookay [rolls eyes].
Middle-aged Brit: I really did.
Barista: Yeah, oookay.
Middle-aged Brit: What the fuck is your problem?
Barista: Well, you just stole juice, and you're being an ass, so you can leave now.
Middle-aged Brit: Excuse--
Old lady Brit: --Alexander, just stop talking! He could shoot you!
--Starbucks, Fashion District
Overheard by: only in new york
They've Got Their 'Good Barista / Bad Barista' Act Down to a Science
Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don't get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don't get no fuckin' milk! Order a fuckin' latte, and then I'll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don't get none of this milk!
Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.
Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain't Valentine's Day -- don't you get emotional. It's some other holiday. Hell, it's Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!
--Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave
She's Used to All That Pseudo-Italian Crap
Woman #1, pointing to smallest cup: So, what size is this?
Barista: That's a small.
Woman #1: And what size is this?
Barista: That's a medium.
Woman #1: And so what size is this?
Barista: That's a large.
Woman #2: Wow, this has been the most fascinating exchange I've heard in quite some time.
--9th St Espresso, East Village
Overheard by: Shankalicious
Got any Doritos?
Barista girl: Here's your cappuccino.
Customer girl: I asked for a cafe au lait.
Barista girl: No, you said 'cappuccino.'
Costumer girl: No, I said 'cafe au lait'
Barista girl: Oh, You're right. I'm probably just out of it.
Barista girl to coworker: I'm sorry, I'm high.
--Stanton & Ludlow
Overheard by: Aryn
We Give the Towels to Customers When We Run Out of Java Jackets
Female barista, scrubbing floor boards: I hate doing clean sweep 'cause I get all sweaty... Especially in my butt crack.
Male barista: You should employ the butt tissue. Just slip a paper towel in there at the start of the shift, and then just toss it at the end.
Female barista: I already do that.
Customer: Now that's legendary service.
--Starbucks, 67th & Queens
Overheard by: sunnyvalesteve
Still Better Than the Peritonitis Story He's Not Telling
Barista: What happened to your fist?
Queer: An AC bit it.
Barista: Really?
Queer: Yeah.
Barista: Nice story.
Queer: Well, it's better than my story before.
Barista: Which was?
Queer: I told people it was a fisting accident: he sneezed! People didn't respond too well.
--St. Marks
Overheard by: fran
'Win Us Over With Money!' We'd Say
Lady at register: My great-grandmother had nine strokes and still lived to be 98 years old.
Barista: Wow, nine strokes?!
Lady at register: Yeah, I think she was doing it on purpose. You know, to get attention.
--Starbucks, Broadway
Ten, if It's a Grande
Barista #1: Guess what I just did -- drank a whole package of frappucino mix.
Barista #2: Ew.
Barista #1: She said she'd pay me five dollars.
Barista #2: What if you get, like, diarrhea or something?
Barista #3: I'll give you seven if you get diarrhea.
--Starbucks, 111th St
Yeah, You Like That, Don't You, Monkey?
Barista: So, Sutton Foster was in here the other day.
Friend: Yeah? I don't really like her...
Barista: What are you, nuts?! She's great! Oh! A few days ago, like, the whole cast of Spring Awakening came in.
Friend: Oh. Yeah, I didn't like that show.
Barista, yelling: Honestly, what are you even doing here?! Do you want to be on Broadway? Is this the life you want? Christ, you would think I was talking to a monkey from Indiana.
Friend: Um, sorry?
Barista: Whatever. Forget it. You're a waste of talent... Want some free sticky bread?
--Starbucks, 47th & 8th
Sorry, That's Illegal, but Might I Interest You in a Giant Cup of Caffeine?
Barista: Next customer, can I get you something started at the bar?
French woman: Double scotch, please.
--Starbucks, Washington Square
Overheard by: Collin
And People Who Don't Ask Probing Questions about My Sexual Orientation
Italian dude: So, are you interested in men?
Coffee house chick: I'm only interested in alternative lifestyle karaoke characters.
--Waltz-Astoria, 24th St & Ditmars Blvd
Another Caffeine-Drunken Brooklyn Naiad
Hot chick: Pardon me -- can I get a top off?
Barista: Excuse me?!
--Vox Pop, Cortelyou Rd, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Disappointed
The UN Finally Sent in Peacekeeping Forces
Customer: But I just gave you 10 dollars.
Male barista: No, I gave you 10 dollars, which was a mistake.
Customer: Wait. Wait. No, you gave me twenty.
Male barista: Can I have it back?
Customer: No! It's my change!
Male barista: But you just gave me 10 dollars!
--Starbucks
Overheard by: alanna
Grande Caramel Urinatio, Coming Up!
Barista, mumbling under her breath: Just because you have to catch your damn bus...
Hurried customer, handing over credit card: Grande Caramel Macchiato [walks away from counter].
Barista: Sir, don't you want your card back?
Hurried customer: Oh, you can keep it. Don't you want to go to Bergdorf?
Barista: [Blank stare.]
Hurried customer: You know -- Bergdorf Goodman in Midtown. Expensive designer stuff!
Barista: I have enough credit -- I don't need your friggin' card.
--Starbucks, Park Row & Beekman
Overheard by: compnerd aka
We've Given Up All Attachment to Outcomes
20-something: Can I get an eggnog steamer cut with skim? Is that possible?
Barista: Ma'am, anything's possible. Next!
--Starbucks, Times Square
