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He Had a Nice Supper First, Though
Blonde: Can you say 'Happy Passover' to someone?
Brunette: Passover is a happy holiday, I think. 'Cause it's about food and stuff.
Blonde: Okay. I wasn't sure. 'Cause, you know, Jesus died, so I dunno how that works. That's not too happy...
--Olympic Diner, 8th Ave
And I Wanted Him to Shave Me
Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.
--NY Comic Con, Javits Center
Overheard by: Kevin Frost
So He's Had 27 Years of Practice with That Violin
NYU chick : Wait, he's 28!
Friend : Yeah, I know. And he's Asian
--Uptown 6 train
How He Convinced Her that Semen Is Brain Food
Man: I'll give you 10 bucks if you can tell me what baseball team is popular in Philly.
Woman: Duh, it's the Red Sox! ...What? Boston is in Philly.
Man: Sweetie, Boston isn't in Philly.
Woman: Don't lie to me, you know how easy I fall for things!
Man: But Boston is in Massachusetts.
Woman: That's what I said!
--E 23rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
That Poor Tribe Keeps Losing the Challenges
Chick: Wait, Survivor is still on? They gotta be running out of places to do it.
Dude: They should do a Survivor: New Orleans.
Chick: Oh my God, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Dude: Shut up, you know you'd watch it.
--Party, 49th & 10th
Go Back to NYU and, Like, Kill Yourself
Chick: Hey, come look at this, like, book!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Go Back to School
Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!
--FIT
Suit on cell: I don't know if going through water is resistance or friction, do you? God! I am so tired of doing the kid's homework!
--46th between 7th & 8th
Female student: I think I'm gonna learn a lot. They were saying things that went, like, right over my head.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
NYU girl on cell: No, I'm not going to waste the credits. I'm just going to fail the class on purpose.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Kristin
Drunk chick: I'm majoring in the doggy-style orgasm.
--Slainte, 1st & Bowery
Overheard by: Genevieve
Professor to class: Most of you are familiar with the breasts of members of the opposite sex who are close to your own age.
--Columbia University Medical Center
Professor: I have no idea what you're saying, but I know you're wrong.
--Vanderbilt Hall, NYU
Overheard by: The King Adrock
Essence Of NYC: A Play in One Act
Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn't a fart because it didn't smell, and... It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it's called a 'quip.'
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that's not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's saying his name is 'Queef' or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No... Oh, lord. The sound, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Who's a 'queef'? What's going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he's telling us he's gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I'm not... What? That's 'queer,' you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here's some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I'm homeless to you? I'm wearing fucking YSL over here... I ain't queer and I ain't homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend's dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word...
Bimbo tourist #1: I'm not following... Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don't know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: ...I'm not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren't, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I'm gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was...
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can't you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway's comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: ... Last time I ever take a subway... Unbelievable shit I put up with... Fucking Civics... Unreliable fuckers...
--L train
Kid: Hey, They Just Look Smarter Than Me
Yuppie chick #1: I don't know. I just, like, totally like, never ever saw, like, a kid with Down Syndrome before.
Yuppie chick #2: Oh, me neither!
Yuppie chick #1: It was totally, like, not awesome.
--Rising escalator in the Mall
Well, Technically They Weren't to Me
Bimbette on cell: He cheated on me! Yes, he did! He cheated on me and then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again. And then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again... Well, I gave him another chance because he would write me these nice love letters...
--12th & Broadway
Uh oh. I'm not married or gay...
Chick #1: I have never been in love! Never never ever! Can you believe it?
Chick #2: Really? Wow! Well, look what's out there.
Chick #1: I know! All the good ones are married, all the cute ones are gay, and the rest look like Shrek! All I want to do is meet a really sweet nice guy whos gorgeous and musical and creative and sweet like Jack White! Oh my god, he's a god!
Chick #2: That White Stripes guy that punched someone out?
Chick #1: Yeah, he's my idea of a perfect guy! God I love him!
Chick #2: Look! I got chocolate!
Chick #1: Yeah! Chocolate!
--Otto's Shrunken Head, East Village
Maybe I Should Tickle You at Strategic Moments
Bimbette during intermission: So, like, I don't get it.
Friend: I can explain it to you. So, it's like a farce or something. And it's, like, based on this British comedy group, Monty Python.
Bimbette: Oh. I thought that was a snake.
--Spamalot show, Schubert Theater
Overheard by: Oh Broadway
Ah, the City of Lights
Bimbette: So, where you going for winter break?
Idiot dude: Switzerland.
Bimbette: Oh, cool, cool... What do they speak there, again?
Idiot dude: I dunno...
Bimbette: Hmmm... Dutch?
Idiot dude: Yeah, yeah, Dutch!
--78th St, between Park & Madison
Overheard by: dont speak ever again
Note to Self: This Chick Will Believe Anything She Is Told
College girl: Excuse me... excuse me... who is Darfur?
Guy: Are you kidding me? You need to get educated... you haven't heard of the genocide there?
College girl: Pshhh... we pay people to gather information. Why do I need to know it?
--4/5/6 platform, 96th St
Overheard by: Sheena Tahilramani
Well, There's Parachuting, the Mole Man's Drilling Machine...
Girl: So, is the ferry the only way to get to Staten Island?
--SeaStreak ferry under the Verrazano Bridge
Overheard by: Look. Up.
Tumors, On the Other Hand, Smell Great
Girl #1: You know how deodorant gives you cancer?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, I'd rather take the risk, because nobody's going to like you for being smelly.
--R train
There Are a Lot of Rich, Flaky Girls at Marymount Manhattan
Girl #1, studying for math exam: I still don't get it.
Girl #2: What I'm saying is that this statement has nothing to do with a croissant coming out of my ass.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the only way I can remember how to do the problem.
--Marymount Manhattan College
It's a Technical Term
NYU chick #1: ... And, y'know, some kind of adenine, guanine, trampoline chemical thingie.
NYU chick #2: Er. You mean 'thymine'?
NYU chick #1: That's what I said.
--Waverly & University
I Kinda Lost the Thread Here
Bimbette: He's so hot. And his chin is so sharp it could cut steel. No, wait, what's stronger than steel?
Friend: Diamonds?
Bimbette: Yes! Diamonds! Only diamonds can cut diamonds!
Friend: Well, yeah, but lasers can cut diamonds, too.
Bimbette: Shit.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
The Lox-and-a-Schmear Internship
Bimbette: He's a med student at Ein-- Einstein.
Friend: Is that the bagel place?
Bimbette: I don't know. I have to look it up.
--NYU Law
Overheard by: If by
Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I'm hungry.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you're drunk.
--University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn't what I should be having for breakfast.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
--Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who's the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
--115th St & Broadway
Transactional Analysis in the Ghetto
Voice over speaker phone: Bitch, I tol' you stay away! I tol' you back off! Bitch!
Girl, very calmly: That kinda attitude is why your man is eatin' my pussy.
--Washington & Lafayette, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: nmf
Next Semester, the Fondler's 'C'
Chick: Like, last semester I totally put out and I got an A.
Dude: Like, a straight A?
Chick: Yeah. But this semester I'm just too tired to put out, and I just got a B on that paper.
Dude: Rough.
--Columbia University
I Wear Two Condoms All the Time for the Same Reason
Woman #1: I always wear two bras when I work out.
Woman #2: Two bras?
Woman #1: Yes, a regular bra under my sports bra. That way, I don't get all flattened out, and besides, I look more natural, don't you think?
--14th St
Overheard by: stephanie
The Trick Is Getting the Whale to Hold Still
Girl #1: Have you ever had a 'sandy eggo'?
Girl #2: Ummm... What's that?
Girl #1: Just guess from the name!
Girl #2: Uh... A whale's vagina?
--1 train
Our Plan Is Coming to Fruition, Gentlemen
Cute blonde girl: I was in Duane Reade last night at three a.m. I was buying little green army men!
Cute brunette girl: Why were you buying little green army men?!
Cute blonde girl: I don't know!
--545 45th St
Overheard by: Javi
I Just Have to Figure Out How to Get to the Airport
Bimbette #1: I hate leaving Manhattan.
Bimbette #2: Ugh, yeah... I never leave Manhattan except to go to Europe.
--Restaurant, 34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jonny
I Haven't Actually Read It
Chick #1: Yeah, Lovely Bones is my favorite book. Totally. What's yours?
Chick #2: Oh, this book called On the Road. It's by this guy, Jack Kerouac.
Chick #1: Yeah? What's it about?
Chick #2: It's about this beat stuff. 'Cause the guy -- he was, ya know, beat.
Chick #1: Beat?
Chick #2: Yeah, like, him and Allen Ginsberg wrote stuff and hitchhiked and dropped out of Columbia.
Chick #1: Oh my god. Why would you ever drop out of Columbia? Must have sucked to be them.
Chick #2: Yeah, I dunno. I guess they were, like, broke.
--6 train toward Bleecker
If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good
Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.
--Chinatown
Not to Mention They Were Both US Congressmen
Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad's kind of hard...
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they've both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!
--155th & Broadway
Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
You're Far Better Off Masturbating to Brad Pitt Movies
NYU girl: Nowadays if you get AIDS it's like, 'Whatever.'
Friend: Uh, no!
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: uses a condom
That Way, Meryl Will Be a Lock after Oprah's Two Terms
Girl #1: The Devil Wears Prada is like, the best movie ever made.
Girl #2: Oh, totally. Meryl Streep's character was fabulous in that!
Girl #1: Dude, Meryl Streep should run for President. No, wait. Oprah should run for President, and Meryl Streep should be Vice President.
--86th & Lex
I Think I'm for It
Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...
--Townsend Harris High
How're Those for the First Two Lines of My Haiku?
Bimbette #1: Well, we weren't, like, BFF, but we were, like... F...?
Bimbette #2, nodding knowingly: Mmm.
--Elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: MarcusII
Not Target-Good, Anyway
Skinny brunette: ... And Michelle screamed at me! I mean, like, seriously! What's her problem?!
Hot guy, tapping Rolex: We have to go! I need to use the bathroom!
Skinny brunette: Oh, just piss in the bushes. It's not like this is a good store or anything.
--Outside Bergdorf Goodman's
Overheard by: Caley
Why Camus Wrote The Plague
Chick #1: You can't, like, wear all black.
Chick #2: Well, not unless you're a beatnik.
Chick #1: What's that?
Chick #2: You know, the guys who wear berets and play the bongos?
Chick #1: Like the French?
Chick #2: [Nods.]
Chick #1: Who knew they had bongos in France?!
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Smarter than these two
And Then They All Come Out in Cat Makeup and Sing About Hitler
Girl #1: Where does Rent take place?
Girl #2: I heard it takes place in China.
Girl #1: Oh, really? Are they going to eat a dog here?
Girl #2: Maybe a puppet.
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: hahaha
Don't Think About Splinters...Don't Think About Splinters
Girl: Yeah, I'm so hot, I have to beat guys off with sticks.
Guy: You beat guys off with sticks?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chris Ghirardi
Did You Know They're Washable?
Girl #1, head in hands: So, like I was saying...
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, so why doesn't he want to fuck anymore?
Girl #3: Oh, yeah, he totes found your vibrator.
Girl #1: How the hell did you know?
--1 train
They Go in Through the Anus
Girl #1: Wow, you got your nose pierced!
Girl #2: Yeah, I got it yesterday
Girl #1: How did they do it? Gun or needle?
Girl #2: Gun.
Girl #1: Ah ok, how do they fit a gun up there?
--McDonalds
Overheard by: Ness
Whose Self?
Girl #1: He's just self-conscious.
Girl #2: Conscious about what?!
Girl #1: ... Himself.
--Original Pizza, Bay Ridge & 4th
Overheard by: Patrick
Or the Last Viking Unicorn?
NYU bimbette #1: Yeah, see, I totally think there's something fishy about Dumbledore's death -- especially his funeral. Like, why was he buried out at sea?
NYU bimbette #2: He wasn't. He was buried at Hogwarts.
NYU bimbette #1: Wait... Am I thinking of First Knight?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Felony
But at Least You've Gotten That Whole "Chicken of the Sea" Thing Straight Now, Right?
Girl #1: I am, like, so dumb. I mean, really dumb. People look at me and think I'm dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah...
--Central Park
He Finds Himself Tempted by Annoying Women of His Own Tradition
Shiksa #1: So he goes, "Things changed, I moved to the city." What the fuck kind of bullshit excuse is that?
Shiksa #2: Oh he moved to the city? Whoa....the city Jew is a whole different breed of Jew.
--51st & 2nd
Overheard by: In agreement
I Can See the T-shirt Now: 'Fuck Me. I'm Worth a UTI'
Underage Jersey girl #1: So he gave me another fucking urinary tract infection.
Underage Jersey girl #2: That's so gross.
Underage Jersey girl #3: Why do you keep fucking him?
Underage Jersey girl #1: I know I have to go to the doctor, but he's so good it's almost worth it!
--Uptown F train
Overheard by: dan f.
But I Heard in the Book She Actually Lives
Bimbettte, looking at a painting of Joan of Arc: Oooh, that's so pretty!
Boyfriend: Did you see the movie?
Bimbette: Yeah, didn't she die or something?
--The Met