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He Had a Nice Supper First, Though
Blonde: Can you say 'Happy Passover' to someone?
Brunette: Passover is a happy holiday, I think. 'Cause it's about food and stuff.
Blonde: Okay. I wasn't sure. 'Cause, you know, Jesus died, so I dunno how that works. That's not too happy...
--Olympic Diner, 8th Ave
And I Wanted Him to Shave Me
Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.
--NY Comic Con, Javits Center
Overheard by: Kevin Frost
So He's Had 27 Years of Practice with That Violin
NYU chick : Wait, he's 28!
Friend : Yeah, I know. And he's Asian
--Uptown 6 train
How He Convinced Her that Semen Is Brain Food
Man: I'll give you 10 bucks if you can tell me what baseball team is popular in Philly.
Woman: Duh, it's the Red Sox! ...What? Boston is in Philly.
Man: Sweetie, Boston isn't in Philly.
Woman: Don't lie to me, you know how easy I fall for things!
Man: But Boston is in Massachusetts.
Woman: That's what I said!
--E 23rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Lisa
That Poor Tribe Keeps Losing the Challenges
Chick: Wait, Survivor is still on? They gotta be running out of places to do it.
Dude: They should do a Survivor: New Orleans.
Chick: Oh my God, that's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Dude: Shut up, you know you'd watch it.
--Party, 49th & 10th
Go Back to NYU and, Like, Kill Yourself
Chick: Hey, come look at this, like, book!
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Wednesday One-Liners Go Back to School
Art teacher: Now you are true students of FIT! Nobody listens to directions!
--FIT
Suit on cell: I don't know if going through water is resistance or friction, do you? God! I am so tired of doing the kid's homework!
--46th between 7th & 8th
Female student: I think I'm gonna learn a lot. They were saying things that went, like, right over my head.
--Fordham
Overheard by: Jess McGins
NYU girl on cell: No, I'm not going to waste the credits. I'm just going to fail the class on purpose.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Kristin
Drunk chick: I'm majoring in the doggy-style orgasm.
--Slainte, 1st & Bowery
Overheard by: Genevieve
Professor to class: Most of you are familiar with the breasts of members of the opposite sex who are close to your own age.
--Columbia University Medical Center
Professor: I have no idea what you're saying, but I know you're wrong.
--Vanderbilt Hall, NYU
Overheard by: The King Adrock
Essence Of NYC: A Play in One Act
Bimbo tourist #1: Anyway, so when he pulled it out of me it made this farting noise, and I know it wasn't a fart because it didn't smell, and... It was just really embarrassing.
Bimbo tourist #2: Quip.
Bimbo tourist #1: What?
Bimbo tourist #2: A quip. The farting noise, it's called a 'quip.'
Bimbo tourist #1: Oh, they have a name for it? Wow.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, totally. It happens to a lot of people.
Stranger: Um, that's not right.
Bimbo tourist #2: Excuse me, sir?
Stranger: No, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Wait, what?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's saying his name is 'Queef' or something.
Bimbo tourist #2: Oh, sorry. Excuse me, Queef?
Stranger: No... Oh, lord. The sound, it's 'queef.'
Bimbo tourist #2: Who's a 'queef'? What's going on?
Bimbo tourist #1: I think he's one of those crazy subway guys you hear about. I think he's telling us he's gay.
Stranger: I can hear you, and I'm not... What? That's 'queer,' you ingrate!
Bimbo tourist #1: Here's some money for you, sir. Buy your boyfriend a nice grocery cart or something.
Stranger: What?! Does it look like I'm homeless to you? I'm wearing fucking YSL over here... I ain't queer and I ain't homeless. You ignorant, you skinny, Paris Hilton-wannabe whores. All I was saying to you was that when your sleazy-ass friend over here pulled her boyfriend's dick out of her STD-ridden pussy, the word...
Bimbo tourist #1: I'm not following... Is he speaking Cockney or something?
Bimbo tourist #2: I don't know. Are you allowed to mace crazy hobos?
Stranger: ...I'm not fucking crazy!
Bimbo tourist #2: Of course you aren't, sir.
Passenger: Oh, shut your mouth, both of ya, or I'm gonna whoop both your scrawny asses, you hear?
Stranger: Thank you. All I was saying was...
Old lady: Ah, hell no! Can't you see this conversation has gone past anyone in this damn subway's comprehension? Know when to drop it, brother. Know when to drop it.
Bimbo tourist #2: [Mouthing] Oh my god.
Bimbo tourist #1: I know. That was intense.
Stranger, muttering to himself: ... Last time I ever take a subway... Unbelievable shit I put up with... Fucking Civics... Unreliable fuckers...
--L train
Kid: Hey, They Just Look Smarter Than Me
Yuppie chick #1: I don't know. I just, like, totally like, never ever saw, like, a kid with Down Syndrome before.
Yuppie chick #2: Oh, me neither!
Yuppie chick #1: It was totally, like, not awesome.
--Rising escalator in the Mall
Well, Technically They Weren't to Me
Bimbette on cell: He cheated on me! Yes, he did! He cheated on me and then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again. And then I gave him another chance and he cheated on me again... Well, I gave him another chance because he would write me these nice love letters...
--12th & Broadway
Uh oh. I'm not married or gay...
Chick #1: I have never been in love! Never never ever! Can you believe it?
Chick #2: Really? Wow! Well, look what's out there.
Chick #1: I know! All the good ones are married, all the cute ones are gay, and the rest look like Shrek! All I want to do is meet a really sweet nice guy whos gorgeous and musical and creative and sweet like Jack White! Oh my god, he's a god!
Chick #2: That White Stripes guy that punched someone out?
Chick #1: Yeah, he's my idea of a perfect guy! God I love him!
Chick #2: Look! I got chocolate!
Chick #1: Yeah! Chocolate!
--Otto's Shrunken Head, East Village
Maybe I Should Tickle You at Strategic Moments
Bimbette during intermission: So, like, I don't get it.
Friend: I can explain it to you. So, it's like a farce or something. And it's, like, based on this British comedy group, Monty Python.
Bimbette: Oh. I thought that was a snake.
--Spamalot show, Schubert Theater
Overheard by: Oh Broadway
Ah, the City of Lights
Bimbette: So, where you going for winter break?
Idiot dude: Switzerland.
Bimbette: Oh, cool, cool... What do they speak there, again?
Idiot dude: I dunno...
Bimbette: Hmmm... Dutch?
Idiot dude: Yeah, yeah, Dutch!
--78th St, between Park & Madison
Overheard by: dont speak ever again
Note to Self: This Chick Will Believe Anything She Is Told
College girl: Excuse me... excuse me... who is Darfur?
Guy: Are you kidding me? You need to get educated... you haven't heard of the genocide there?
College girl: Pshhh... we pay people to gather information. Why do I need to know it?
--4/5/6 platform, 96th St
Overheard by: Sheena Tahilramani
Well, There's Parachuting, the Mole Man's Drilling Machine...
Girl: So, is the ferry the only way to get to Staten Island?
--SeaStreak ferry under the Verrazano Bridge
Overheard by: Look. Up.
Tumors, On the Other Hand, Smell Great
Girl #1: You know how deodorant gives you cancer?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: Well, I'd rather take the risk, because nobody's going to like you for being smelly.
--R train
There Are a Lot of Rich, Flaky Girls at Marymount Manhattan
Girl #1, studying for math exam: I still don't get it.
Girl #2: What I'm saying is that this statement has nothing to do with a croissant coming out of my ass.
Girl #1: Oh, okay.
Girl #2: Yeah, that's the only way I can remember how to do the problem.
--Marymount Manhattan College
It's a Technical Term
NYU chick #1: ... And, y'know, some kind of adenine, guanine, trampoline chemical thingie.
NYU chick #2: Er. You mean 'thymine'?
NYU chick #1: That's what I said.
--Waverly & University
I Kinda Lost the Thread Here
Bimbette: He's so hot. And his chin is so sharp it could cut steel. No, wait, what's stronger than steel?
Friend: Diamonds?
Bimbette: Yes! Diamonds! Only diamonds can cut diamonds!
Friend: Well, yeah, but lasers can cut diamonds, too.
Bimbette: Shit.
--Fordham University, Rose Hill
The Lox-and-a-Schmear Internship
Bimbette: He's a med student at Ein-- Einstein.
Friend: Is that the bagel place?
Bimbette: I don't know. I have to look it up.
--NYU Law
Overheard by: If by
Insatiable Wednesday One-Liners
Guy on cell: No, no, no! He said they came to search him and he swallowed it.
--Sullivan & Bleecker
Teen girl at human limbs exhibit: Hmmm, I'm hungry.
--Bodies Exhibit, South St Seaport
Frat boy on cell: I miss you, baby. I love ya. I want to taste your saliva. Call me later when you're drunk.
--University Pl & 14th St
Overheard by: Erin
Bimbette lighting a cigarette: This probably isn't what I should be having for breakfast.
--14th St & 1st Ave
Man on cell: Have you talked about coating her in peanut butter and jelly and eating her like a sandwich? No? Okay.
--Starbucks, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: MmmSandwich
Mom: Who's the yummiest baby in the world? Is it you? Are you super-duper yummy?
--115th St & Broadway
Transactional Analysis in the Ghetto
Voice over speaker phone: Bitch, I tol' you stay away! I tol' you back off! Bitch!
Girl, very calmly: That kinda attitude is why your man is eatin' my pussy.
--Washington & Lafayette, Clinton Hill
Overheard by: nmf
Next Semester, the Fondler's 'C'
Chick: Like, last semester I totally put out and I got an A.
Dude: Like, a straight A?
Chick: Yeah. But this semester I'm just too tired to put out, and I just got a B on that paper.
Dude: Rough.
--Columbia University
I Wear Two Condoms All the Time for the Same Reason
Woman #1: I always wear two bras when I work out.
Woman #2: Two bras?
Woman #1: Yes, a regular bra under my sports bra. That way, I don't get all flattened out, and besides, I look more natural, don't you think?
--14th St
Overheard by: stephanie
The Trick Is Getting the Whale to Hold Still
Girl #1: Have you ever had a 'sandy eggo'?
Girl #2: Ummm... What's that?
Girl #1: Just guess from the name!
Girl #2: Uh... A whale's vagina?
--1 train
Our Plan Is Coming to Fruition, Gentlemen
Cute blonde girl: I was in Duane Reade last night at three a.m. I was buying little green army men!
Cute brunette girl: Why were you buying little green army men?!
Cute blonde girl: I don't know!
--545 45th St
Overheard by: Javi
I Just Have to Figure Out How to Get to the Airport
Bimbette #1: I hate leaving Manhattan.
Bimbette #2: Ugh, yeah... I never leave Manhattan except to go to Europe.
--Restaurant, 34th & 3rd
Overheard by: Jonny
I Haven't Actually Read It
Chick #1: Yeah, Lovely Bones is my favorite book. Totally. What's yours?
Chick #2: Oh, this book called On the Road. It's by this guy, Jack Kerouac.
Chick #1: Yeah? What's it about?
Chick #2: It's about this beat stuff. 'Cause the guy -- he was, ya know, beat.
Chick #1: Beat?
Chick #2: Yeah, like, him and Allen Ginsberg wrote stuff and hitchhiked and dropped out of Columbia.
Chick #1: Oh my god. Why would you ever drop out of Columbia? Must have sucked to be them.
Chick #2: Yeah, I dunno. I guess they were, like, broke.
--6 train toward Bleecker
If I Can See Your Toenails, You Are Too Close for Your Own Good
Inmates in NYPD corrections bus: Give me a kiss, baby! Come on, I need it! Hey, nice toenails, sweetheart!
Girl passerby, to friend: Well, I did just paint them last night.
--Chinatown
Not to Mention They Were Both US Congressmen
Bimbette #1: I was nervous for the two of them to meet.
Bimbette #2: Your dad's kind of hard...
Bimbette #1: But they got along well! They have a lot in common.
Bimbette #2: Yeah.
Bimbette #1: I mean, they both have children, and they've both been in prison.
Bimbette #2: See that?!
--155th & Broadway
Batman and Robin Was the Greater Tragedy
Blonde: I think I'm going to donate money to that thing George Clooney was talking about.
Friend: What?
Blonde: Darfur.
--Pratt Institute, Brooklyn
Overheard by: betty machete
You're Far Better Off Masturbating to Brad Pitt Movies
NYU girl: Nowadays if you get AIDS it's like, 'Whatever.'
Friend: Uh, no!
--6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: uses a condom
That Way, Meryl Will Be a Lock after Oprah's Two Terms
Girl #1: The Devil Wears Prada is like, the best movie ever made.
Girl #2: Oh, totally. Meryl Streep's character was fabulous in that!
Girl #1: Dude, Meryl Streep should run for President. No, wait. Oprah should run for President, and Meryl Streep should be Vice President.
--86th & Lex
I Think I'm for It
Senior girl #1: So, what is that 'Derfer' thing I keep seeing all those signs about?
Senior girl #2: What?
Senior girl #1: You know, Derfer -- D-A-R-F-U-R
Senior girl #2: Dare-fyore? Hmmm, I don't know.
Senior girl #1: Whatever. Anyways...
--Townsend Harris High
How're Those for the First Two Lines of My Haiku?
Bimbette #1: Well, we weren't, like, BFF, but we were, like... F...?
Bimbette #2, nodding knowingly: Mmm.
--Elevator, Columbia University
Overheard by: MarcusII
Not Target-Good, Anyway
Skinny brunette: ... And Michelle screamed at me! I mean, like, seriously! What's her problem?!
Hot guy, tapping Rolex: We have to go! I need to use the bathroom!
Skinny brunette: Oh, just piss in the bushes. It's not like this is a good store or anything.
--Outside Bergdorf Goodman's
Overheard by: Caley
Why Camus Wrote The Plague
Chick #1: You can't, like, wear all black.
Chick #2: Well, not unless you're a beatnik.
Chick #1: What's that?
Chick #2: You know, the guys who wear berets and play the bongos?
Chick #1: Like the French?
Chick #2: [Nods.]
Chick #1: Who knew they had bongos in France?!
--Manhattan-bound 7 train
Overheard by: Smarter than these two
And Then They All Come Out in Cat Makeup and Sing About Hitler
Girl #1: Where does Rent take place?
Girl #2: I heard it takes place in China.
Girl #1: Oh, really? Are they going to eat a dog here?
Girl #2: Maybe a puppet.
--41st & 7th
Overheard by: hahaha
Don't Think About Splinters...Don't Think About Splinters
Girl: Yeah, I'm so hot, I have to beat guys off with sticks.
Guy: You beat guys off with sticks?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Chris Ghirardi
Did You Know They're Washable?
Girl #1, head in hands: So, like I was saying...
Girl #2: Oh, yeah, so why doesn't he want to fuck anymore?
Girl #3: Oh, yeah, he totes found your vibrator.
Girl #1: How the hell did you know?
--1 train
They Go in Through the Anus
Girl #1: Wow, you got your nose pierced!
Girl #2: Yeah, I got it yesterday
Girl #1: How did they do it? Gun or needle?
Girl #2: Gun.
Girl #1: Ah ok, how do they fit a gun up there?
--McDonalds
Overheard by: Ness
Whose Self?
Girl #1: He's just self-conscious.
Girl #2: Conscious about what?!
Girl #1: ... Himself.
--Original Pizza, Bay Ridge & 4th
Overheard by: Patrick
Or the Last Viking Unicorn?
NYU bimbette #1: Yeah, see, I totally think there's something fishy about Dumbledore's death -- especially his funeral. Like, why was he buried out at sea?
NYU bimbette #2: He wasn't. He was buried at Hogwarts.
NYU bimbette #1: Wait... Am I thinking of First Knight?
--Union Square
Overheard by: Felony
But at Least You've Gotten That Whole "Chicken of the Sea" Thing Straight Now, Right?
Girl #1: I am, like, so dumb. I mean, really dumb. People look at me and think I'm dumb.
Girl #2: Yeah...
--Central Park
He Finds Himself Tempted by Annoying Women of His Own Tradition
Shiksa #1: So he goes, "Things changed, I moved to the city." What the fuck kind of bullshit excuse is that?
Shiksa #2: Oh he moved to the city? Whoa....the city Jew is a whole different breed of Jew.
--51st & 2nd
Overheard by: In agreement
I Can See the T-shirt Now: 'Fuck Me. I'm Worth a UTI'
Underage Jersey girl #1: So he gave me another fucking urinary tract infection.
Underage Jersey girl #2: That's so gross.
Underage Jersey girl #3: Why do you keep fucking him?
Underage Jersey girl #1: I know I have to go to the doctor, but he's so good it's almost worth it!
--Uptown F train
Overheard by: dan f.
But I Heard in the Book She Actually Lives
Bimbettte, looking at a painting of Joan of Arc: Oooh, that's so pretty!
Boyfriend: Did you see the movie?
Bimbette: Yeah, didn't she die or something?
--The Met
Tell Her a Quarter Is Two Bits and Watch Her Head Explode
Girl counting her money: Excuse me, ma'am -- are there four quarters in a dollar?
Older lady: Yes, my dear.
Girl: Oh, great! Thanks!
--Times Square station
"Now" Being from My Birth Onward
Bimbette #1: Yeah, her roommate totally has a beard. It's, like, hairy on her face.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god!
Bimbette #1: I know! She also wears, like, purple eyeshadow.
Bimbette #2: Oh my god!
Bimbette #1: I know! I am so mean right now.
--W 49th & Broadway
Turns Out 'The Military' is a Gay Bar on the West Side
Bimbette #1: So yeah, he decided to quit working at Cold Stone's and go into the military.
Bimbette #2: Oh, okay, what part?
Bimbette #1: The military.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, which part? The Army?
Bimbette #1: No, not the Army -- the military.
Bimbette #2: No, I mean the Army? The Navy? Something? The military isn't a separate part.
Bimbette #1: No, it was just a general thing. Not a separate part. Just the military.
Bimbette #2: [Pauses] Oooh, okay!
--Borough Hall Station, 4 & 5 platform
Overheard by: Trish
Still Taking Adolessons
Bimbette #1: I don't want to grow up. The real world is scary.
Bimbette #2: Yeah... Puberty sucks.
Bimbette #1: Ummm, I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure puberty is done when you're, like, fifteen. We're 18 now...
Bimbette #2: Oh. Well, maybe I'm a late bloomer.
--UES
Overheard by: Allie
You Done with That Needle?
Study group girl #1: I totally had no idea that hepatitis had anything to do with your liver.
Study group girl #2: Oh, I know! I thought it was just a disease. You know, like AIDS.
--Hormann Library, Wagner College, Staten Island
Don't Talk Like That About My Friend Papilloma
Guy: She's just a friend I fuck. And she has a boyfriend.
Girl: Who sleeps with prostitutes who give him genital warts.
Guy: Shhhh.
--Astoria-bound N train
Overheard by: effie
The Burning Sensation She Already Had in Stock
Girl #1: Ugh! He gave me the biggest hickey on one of my tits! Gross!
Girl #2: Well, at least it was a hickey and not a burning sensation when you pee!
--Union Square
And by Wimp, I Mean That I Get Raped Less Frequently Than You
Girl #1: One time I passed out, then I woke up and was like, "I am on the wrong line for this." I had to get out and go back the other way!
Girl #2: I'm such a wimp. I take a cab when I get too drunk to know where I'm going.
--Manhattan bound F train
Why the Bush Administration Issues Peppermints
Bimbette #1: Do you have sucking candy?
Bimbette #2: No, but I have gum.
Bimbette #1: I don't want gum -- I don't want to chew and use my brain.
--LIRR
Overheard by: pbq
Now Get Back Up on That Horse
Blonde: My boobs shrunk ever since I got that abortion.
Brunette: No, they still look good.
--Restroom, Crobar
Hell Is This Other Person
Blonde: I hate waiting for people! It's so boring!
Brunette: Well, what do you think I was doing for the past 40 minutes?
Blonde: Oh, wow! Sitting outside?!
--Outside I.S. 34, Staten Island
He Almost Has to Be a Dick to Compensate
Girl #1: He was, like, a total dick, you know? But it's like, he's allowed to be, you know?
Girl #2: Well, yeah. He's a straight NYU guy who plays soccer.
Girl #1: Yeah. So he could get away with it.
--Cantor Film Center, NYU
Overheard by: not an nyu straight guy
Wednesday One-Liners Remember When It Just Meant "Happy?"
Drunk queer: I am not gay! Just remind me of that later.
--Bushwick
Overheard by: uninvited party guest
Lemming: Are we still following the Gaylords or are we becoming Independent?
--Central Park
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Midwesterner: I had a dream that I had a lot of funny faggot friends. It was so much fun! Then I woke up.
--Avents
Metrosexual: So, I'm thinking of becoming gay. What about you? Are you still gay?
--35th & Broadway
Chick on cell: I mean, when it's just the two of us, he's really gay -- and I'm talking gayer than you -- and frankly, that's gay... And I don't understand why he can't just be that gay on stage... So hey, did you hear about that plane crash? Yeah... yeah... yeah, New Yorkers are really sensitive to planes crashing into buildings -- something must have happened a while ago or something... Yeah, so I think I'm going to have sex with that guy from Craigslist... Although, he is ten years older than me, so if he's looking for commitment he can have sex with me while he's looking... It is not trashy -- you can't do anything trashy in your early 20s. I still have four more years until I have to even start thinking about being too trashy... Hey, can I call you back? I have to call my mom.
--10 express bus
French woman: So this Gaydar... It is like a radar? For the gays?
--Columbia University
Overheard by: Ladle
Latina on cell: I'll fucking kill him. I will. I'll fucking kill him. I don't know. No. He's not. I just hate it that he thinks he can treat you like that. I mean, I'll fucking kill him even though he's a man, you know? I'll fucking walk up to him and, like, stab him or something. Fuck yeah, I got a knife. I mean, maybe he's gay, though. That must be it. He's gay. No, no, no. He's gay.. He has to be. No, I know he is. It's a fact. That's the only thing that makes sense, right? I mean, what other option is there?
--Graham Ave, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Following Quietly Behind
Nor Can I Utter It without Giggling
Knitting girl, about public speaking professor: She kept telling us we need to watch our diction. Meanwhile, she didn't even tell us what 'diction' was.
Friend: What the hell is diction?
Knitting girl: I don't even know.
--L platform, 8th Ave
Overheard by: Bethany
They Have It, But They Call It Schmeer
Girl #1: I can't believe that CVS didn't have paint! How about Bagel Art? That place should have paint.
Girl #2: That says Bagel Mart.
Girl #1: No, it doesn't!
Girl #2: Move a little to your left.
Girl #1: Bagel...Mart. Oh. So then what does it have?
--Gigi's Pizzeria, Whitestone
Overheard by: Liz
It's Bacteria That Gives It The Flavor
Guy: Original flavored yogurt tastes terrible.
Girl #1: You should have seen the faces he was making.
Girl #2: Why? Does it taste like semen?
Guy: I wouldn't know, would you?
Girl #2: I don't know; I've never tasted plain yogurt before!
--Chelsea Market, 9th Avenue
Just Call Me Whore-ence Nightingale
Chick to distraught girl in bathroom stall: Hey, yo, girl -- I fucked the bouncer, so I could get you some water if you need it.
--Off the Wagon, MacDougal St
Headline by: Hellespont
Runners-Up:
· "I also fucked your boyfriend, maybe I could talk him into taking you back" - Rudeboy
· "If you need a sandwich i'm gonna need a condom" - Chris
· "Mother Teresa; The Early Years" - rose
· "Skanks Develop New Currency in Response to Global Warming" - ilemanzer
· "So That's Why They Call it Tap Water" - Jeff St Real
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
She Just Says That because She Doesn't Know How to Make It Plural
Girl #1: She's, like, totally forgotten that there are different kinds of penis.
Girl #2: I know, it's like she thinks there's just one penis.
--115th & Broadway
Your Place Is Clean, Right?
Brunette: So, did you tell your mom yet?
Blonde: Yeah, my boyfriend was actually more upset about it than she was. She's really laid-back.
Brunette: That's good.
Blonde: Yeah, she said as long as I went to a nice, clean place to get it done, she's happy.
--6 train
Overheard by: Allicat
They Really Had Her Going That Time
Girl #1: Where is SUNY Geneseo?
Girls #2 and #3: Geneseo.
Girl #1: Right, but where's that?
Girl #2: New York, it's a SUNY.
Girl #1: Wait, all SUNYs are in New York?
Girl #3: It stands for State University of New York! How could you not know this?
Girl #1: What?! This is just like that time you tried to convince me Spain wasn't in South America.
--L train
Rarely is Anti-Semitism This Explicit
Chick #1: He's so hot.
Chick #2: Eww.
Chick #1: What eww?
Chick #2: Um, he's wearing a shirt that says "Spin my dreidel, and by dreidel I mean cock, and by spin I mean suck".
Chick #1: That is a valid point.
--Asylum, Bleecker Street
Overheard by: djlindee
No, That Guy in the Alley over There
Girl #1: Which Russian mystic man has his penis on display?
Girl #2: Stalin?
--Marymount Manhattan College
Then Stop Showing Us Your Hymen
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, is it wrong that I want him inside me?
Tween girl #2: Uh, yeah, especially since you're like 13 and a virgin.
Tween girl #1: Oh my god, shut up! I don't want all these New Yorkers to know I'm a virgin!
--50th & 6th
Good Thing We Bought Postcards
Bimbette #1: Don't you remember the train station in Italy?
Bimbette #2: I was drunk for basically the entire trip.
Bimbette #1: Oh, yeah.
--12th & 2nd
I'm Really Wet, I Know that Much
Frat boy: So are you gonna come out drinking tonight?
College girl: Uh no, I haven't been feeling so well, I'm allergic to rain I think.
Frat boy: Ummm, it's not raining.
College girl: Yeah, it must have been earlier or something.
--17th & 3rd
Okay, Like Some Horrible Hybrid
Chick #1: Jessica, I'm not kidding, he looked like a beaver!
Chick #2: Christine, that's vulgar!
Chick #1: No, but seriously -- like a chipmunk!
Chick #2: But why wouldn't you say 'chipmunk' instead?
Chick #1: Because he seriously looked like a real beaver!
--77th & Madison
Why "Ooby-Dooby" Made a Comeback
LI girl: Tiffany, we need new expressions!
Tiffany: What?
LI girl: Like, new phrases to say in response to stuff.
Tiffany: Oh. Okay, we'll make some up.
--Billy's Bakery
I'm Over It Now, Though, in the Daylight
Bimbette #1: I know you guys made out and had sex. You had a little crush.
Bimbette #2: Well, he was nice to me.
--12th & 4th
The Puddles of Battery Acid Totally Sterilize It
Bimbette #1: Some people take roadkill and mount it on their walls.
Bimbette #2: Some people eat roadkill, too. They just take it off the street and cook it.
Bimbette #1: Oh... I don't know if that's really clean, though.
Bimbette #2: Well, it only got hit by a car. It didn't get, like, whatever. It can't be that dirty.
Bimbette #1: Oh, true.
--Dorm elevator, 3rd Ave N, NYU
Overheard by: freckles
That Was Fast
Girl #1: Imagine if you were still in that job!
Girl #2: I know. It was so bad... I would have quit by now. Wait, I did quit.
--Astor Pl
Overheard by: Thompson
My Advice: Cut Holes in Your Shirt
Hot girl: I mean, dudes are going to be staring at you anyway, but if your nipples are poking through your shirt then it's just all over.
Nerdy Guy: Wow... Yeah!
--Upper East Side
Overheard by: rad dude
What's a Nice Place Like This Doing in a Girl Like You?
Slutty girl: My high school history teacher ate my pussy. Then the science teacher. He ate my pussy. Then in college my freshman philosophy professor and my junior year economics professor, they ate my pussy.
Practical girl: You need to put out a Zagat guide to your twat.
--Prince & Broadway
Overheard by: PDJ
Eat Some Wednesday One-liners
Nylon sweat suit guy: I need a nice homecooked meal. I think I'm gonna go to Tad's.
--50th & 6th
Blonde: I don't diet. I just eat moderately.
--Maggie's, 47th & Madison
Clearly, I'm Hanging Out in the Wrong Places
Bimbette #1: Oh my god, shamans are, like, so in right now!
Bimbette #2: Really?!
Bimbette #1: Yeah! Like, every day I wake up and it's like, shaman-this and shaman-that.
--50th & 6th
But I Also Like Cleaning and Sucking Cock!
Hot southern girl #1: So, before I came up here my mom is like, "Be very careful around those northern boys, they think all southern girls just love to cook and fuck."
Hot southern girl #2: Oh my gosh, are you serious? They think that? That's so messed up!
Hot southern girl #1: I know!
Hot southern girl #2: But I really do love to cook... And fuck.
Hot southern girl #1: I know... Me too.
--Union Square Cafe
Overheard by: Moving South
Need Some Help? Turgid, Distended, Tumid, Inflamed...
Miniskirt #1: I feel so swollen.
Miniskirt #2: Oh my god! Swollen!
Miniskirt #3: Swollen!
--42nd & 5th
Overheard by: Jessica
But It's Easier to Keep Having Abortions Than to Think about It
Tall brunette: No -- ovulating! There's a difference between menstruating and ovulating.
Short brunette: I still don't get it.
--Olive Garden
You Paint Such a Vivid Picture with Words
Sorostitute #1: ... And I was like, 'Uhhh!' And she was like 'Uhhh!' And of course he wanted to come back to the apartment.
Sorostitute #2: Oh my god, I know!
--7th & 1st, East Village
Wait, That Was the Same Guy?
Bimbette #1: Yeah, that party was so hot, and that guy was so sweet, you know? He really didn't have to buy me a drink.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, that's why you did a good job in choosing to hook up with him!
--Spring St platform
Depends on If You Make Your Saving Throw
Girl #1: We only fucked for like 2 minutes.
Girl #2: Why?
Girl #1: He has ADD.
Girl #2: Is that, like, when the person has more than one personality?
Girl #1: No, I wish. Role playing would be a lot easier.
--Hunter College North-West bridge
Overheard by: Collegiate Cutie
Y Kant Tori Fans Read
Girl #1: That's weird, they don't have any Tori Amos here.
Girl #2: Have you checked under "A"?
Girl #1: Why would it be under "A"?
--Virgin, Union Square
A Gay Man Told Her about "Killer Shorts"
Blonde: So, where'd y'all go on vacation?
Brunette: Bermuda.
Blonde: And y'all came back alive?!
--Union Square
Or a Hologram -- I Always Get Them Confused
Hispanic woman #1: ... And he was all, 'You're not sick, it's your diet.'
Hispanic woman #2: But you're not on a diet.
Hispanic woman #1: No, no, he meant what I eat makes me sick. Then I told him when I'm sick I take NyQuil, and he said I can't do that.
Hispanic woman #2: Why not?
Hispanic woman #1: Girl, he's a Holocaust.
--34th & 8th
Overheard by: Lepidus
Or Is That because the Train Is Going North?
Dude: Do any of these trains go under water?
Chick: Yeah, you can feel it getting colder. It's so cool.
Dude: Which train is it?
Chick: It's one of those trains that goes from Brooklyn to Manhattan. I think it was the B or the G...
--6 train, Brooklyn Bridge City Hall
Convert to Islam and Then It's OK to Blow Her Up
College girl #1: I was just about to slap that bitch of a bus driver, but then I remembered it's a federal offense.
College girl #2: Federal? I think it's only a state offense.
College girl #1: Dammit!
--123rd & Amsterdam
Overheard by: Julia G
"I'm the Messiah, Bitch!" (Sorry)
Girl #1: Ooh, look at that cool Jesus jacket.
Girl #2: That's not Jesus, that's Rick James.
--Broadway & Spring
Overheard by: margie
If I Hadn't Gotten the iPhone the Day It Came Out, I Would've Died
Bimbette #1: I don't even, like, know what it feels like not to, like, have something like that, you know?
Bimbette #2, after a long pause: Totally.
--President & Clinton St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: liza
That Is to Say, I Will Cling Tightly to Your Secret
Girl #1: I mean, don't tell him I told you that. You can't tell him I said anything, or he will flip his shit.
Girl #2: It's Vagina Night!
--Rivington & Orchard
And What They Did to Dick Clark
Guy: So, for New Year's...
Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don't want to do any of that Times Square stuff -- it's really scary there. All those terrorists...
--Joe's Shanghai, Chinatown
Overheard by: soup dumpling
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Metrosexual
Professor: Where is the line between what is homosexual and what is not? Is a circle jerk not gay? Oh, god. I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't know what that is.
--NYU
Girl: It makes you look gay, and I don't mean good gay.
--The Gap, 17th St & 5th Ave
Flamboyant man on cell: I got you the one that had an 'L.V.' on it... How am I supposed to know what that means? I'm not that kind of gay!
--Grand St & Broadway
Overheard by: callmedrpalmer
TA: We can talk about boy sex, but we can't talk about homosexuality.
--Classroom, NYU
Queer: Wait, how did you end up the gayest? Because I started out the gayest!
--Time Square
Overheard by: Tourist Who Blends
Bimbette: No, Jesus was gay. That's the only solution.
--4 train
Overheard by: solution to what?
That's What They're Calling Anal Now
Girl #1: I love a little ethnicity...in the penis!
Girl #2: Totally, I heart the foreigners. The best I've ever had was a Frenchie.
Drunk guy: What? Hold on. You fucked a scrunchie?
--Houston & A
I Guess She's Got a Big Cock, Then
Tipsy chick #1: Like, I kept drinking, but it really didn't taste like there was any alcohol in it. So I just kept drinking.
Tipsy chick #2: You are a fratboy's dream.
--Macdougal between 3rd & Bleecker
Overheard by: djlindee
Selling Offensive T-Shirts Is Serious Business
Late-20's woman #1: I think it's time to get, like, a serious job.
Late-20's woman #2: Good, you definitely should.
Late-20's woman #1: So, I think I am going to apply for a job at Urban Outfitters!
--LIRR platform, Long Beach line
Overheard by: skilla
Then I Could Tell My Mom I Have a Job
Girl #1: One of the best things our country could do right now is legalize prostitution.
Girl #2: Really? One of the best?
--Outside Magnolia Bakery, 11th & Bleecker
Overheard by: cupcake fan
The Squiggles Seminar is Deceptively Difficult
Hoop earrings girl: So I found out yesterday the name of my class is Advanced Calculus. I knew it was advanced but I didn't know it was calculus. I wish I'd known when I registered. It's nice and interesting. There are a lot of squiggles that look really nice. But I'm going to transfer to the regular class, because it's not a requirement for my degree, and why get a C or D, when I can get an A?
--F train
Wednesday One-Liners Need a Fluffer
Queer arguing with boyfriend: I'm just saying, I think it's weird you shaved your balls and bought porn the one night that I was out of town.
--Outside Bergdorf's, 5th Ave
Creepster on cell: Yeah, I wanted to tell you that I have that girl ready... The one for the video... You can't hear me? I'm on a bus, not an airplane! It's not like I have a cigar in my mouth or anything, and you're telling me you can't understand what I'm saying... Yes, I have her ready for the video... The girl! ... About twenty minutes... Do you have Viagra in your house? Well go get some! You need Viagra so you can be hard for our movie!
--M4 bus
Overheard by: Hoping the 3rd grader next to me wasn't paying attention
Queer on cell: I saw the most fucked-up porno the other day. This guy took his boot off, then smacked this other guy in the face with it, then came all over the table, and then made the other guy lick it up... Oddly enough, I was turned on by it. So, if you ever want to smack me with your boot, give me a call.
--23rd St & 8th Ave
Man sprinting up subway stairs: Hey, man, where peep shows at?
--33rd St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: Brian
20-something chick: He says we'll all be sleeping in a farm house with a pornographer at her wedding.
--Dallas BBQ, Upper East Side
Overheard by: Nipples
Don't Blame the Victim
Chick #1 It's not like I told him I wasn't wearing underwear. He asked me. I was so offended!
Chick #2: But you don't wear underwear, and you were wearing a see-through top.
Chick #1: OK, that's totally not the point.
--1 train uptown platform, 28th St
I'm Trying to Get the Marriage Annulled
Blonde: Oh my god! You can meet the guy from work who harasses me.
Sidekick: Like... sexually harasses?
Blonde: I don't know, but he's really annoying.
--Broadway & Broome
Just Like I Do in January on That Kwanzaa Guy's Birthday
Chick: I'm so glad for those, uh, Ramadan people.
Friend: Muslims?
Chick: Yeah, the UN was closed and I got to sit at home watching soap operas and eating cereal.
--6 train
They Put the 'Sensual' in 'Non-Consensual'
Bartender: Yeah, I like to tell people I'm a rapist.
Patron chick: A rapist? Why?
Bartender: Well, just statutory rape.
Patron chick: Yeah, there's no such thing as bad statutory rape.
--Croxley's Ale, Ave B between 2nd & 3rd
Dear Diary, Reynolds Admitted He Loves Me Today! Well, Almost.
Girl: Why don't you ever invite me to the dorms?
Guy: 'Cause if you wanna come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don't have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should invite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: 'Cause it would make me happy!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you wouldn't go down on me if you didn't want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That...is probably the best argument you could have made.
Girl: I'm so glad no one speaks English on this train.
--1 train
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Just Make Up My Mind, Okay?
Annoyed bimbette: You cannot go out with him! Like, who will go and pick up random guys with me?
Brunette: I'll still go out with you.
Annoyed bimbette: No, I know you -- you'll say 'yes' when he asks you out. You can't go out with him. Oh, yeah, wait -- he's younger than you. You can get him pussy-whipped like that. You have to go out with him.
Brunette, defeated: Okay.
--S79 bus
Even If She Lives
20-something girl: You know, it's just not in Donna... It's just not in her hema-... hema-... What's it called? It's just not in her hematoma to be cool.
Friend: Totally! I know! No matter how she cuts her hair at any age she'll just never look good.
--86th & 3rd
Overheard by: Abby
No, that's New York Minute
Girl #1: Isn't that the Princess Bride?
Girl #2: No, that's Frankenstein.
Girl #3: That's not Frankenstein, that's his wife.
Girl #1: Then who's the Princess Bride?
Girl #2: Isn't that the one with the skeletons?
--Ray's Pizza, St. Mark's & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: someone who knows there were no skeletons in that one
Not Everything, Mr. Foer. Not Everything.
Girl: I'm looking for a name of book that has the word "eliminate" in it.
Store guy: Okay. Let me see. Hmm...It doesn't look like anything came up in the search.
Girl: I know that's the word! I know it is. I really need this book!
Store guy: Okay. I'll try and search again.
Girl: It's "eliminate" with an I, not an E.
Store guy: Oh, you mean illuminate?
--Barnes & Noble, 82nd & Broadway
Overheard by: christina rusnak
Hair Today, Wednesday One-liners
Girl: I've never been blonde, like blonde. I had blonde roots once.
--Duane Reade, 34th & 8th
Overheard by: Rita E.
How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Eugenics
Bimbo #1: I just want to move to another state, you know?
Bimbo #2: Yeah, like further south?
Bimbo #1: No, probably Australia.
Bimbo #2: Oh my God, me too! My cousin owns this train station, we could totally go!
Bimbo #1: Nah. I have a date tonight.
Headline by: johnny pissoff
Runners-Up:
· "All Aboard the Pangea Express" - Stitches
· "And Australia's like, "WTF mate?"" - one L
· "Ashley crushes yet another of Jessica's plans." - Heidi
· "Besides, i dont speak german..." - senny
· "Crikey! Thank God the Stingrays Got Me Before They Arrived." - Katie
· "Going Down, But Not Under" - sigh
· "It's good to see Condy getting out more" - mp
· "Wait, You Have a Date? That Doesn't Even Make Sense." - 08kjl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Another One Off the Friends List
Angry Girl: And she wrote it on her Live Journal!
--14th St. & 1st
Overheard by: Tibbie X
I think the Sincere Thing to Do Would Be to Get Plastic Surgery
Teen bimbette #1: Oh my God, she is like my idol!
Teen bimbette #2: I know right, mine too!
Teen bimbette #1: Oh my God! We should totally dress like her!
--Soho
Overheard by: rachel whited
I Went to NYC and All I Got Was This Rash
Drunk tourist flirt: It was verrry nice meeting you all, and I hope to see you all again real soon! [Shakes hands with local teens, then leaves.]
Local teen, to friends: Yo, she wanna fuck e'rybody!
--4 train
Overheard by: Not Me
Headline by: VeggieGirl
Runners-Up:
· "As If We Need to Import That or Something" - gib
· "I Went to NY and All I Got Was Bukkake" - Ken H.
· "Reader Survey: Britney, Paris, or Lindsey? Vote Now!" - Fleetline
· "She Ran Out Of Folks to Fuck Back in Iowa." - Redneck Jedi
· "Southern Hospitality Is the Shizzle" - The Heiress
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I'll Bring the Video Camera and Popcorn
Girl #1: So, I've been thinking, I think I could be a lesbian. You know, get really really close with a girl. But I don't think I would want to hook up!
Girl #2: So...kinda like friends?
Girl #1: Oh yeah. I guess so.
Girl #3: So does that make us all lesbians?
--Times Square
Overheard by: Zoe Valen
Freedom Fries with Mussolini
Girl #1: So when I was in Italy, I went to France.
Girl #2: What did you do there?
Girl #1: I went to the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
Girl #2: Still Italy.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: Yeah. So what did you do in France?
Girl #1: I guess I didn't go to France, then...
--Toys R Us, Times Square
Overheard by: Jesse Patrick
We Are the Wallpaper of Their Glamorous Cityscapes
High school girl #1: We don't always celebrities around, but I bet they see us all the time.
High school girl #2: Fo' real, yo.
--50th & 10th
Great -- There's No Downside, Then
NYU girl #1: Crack babies aren't that bad.
NYU girl #2: Yeah. You're addicted to crack, but you don't experience it!
--Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Square
They Didn't Really Fall, Silly... It Was a David Copperfield Stunt
Woman #1: So, where was the World Trade Center?
Woman #2: See that empty lot across the street?
Woman #1: Oh. So is that one of the buildings that fell?
--Ground Zero
Overheard by: joy
Tom: It's Not As Easy As You'd Think
Skinny girl: Well, what are you waiting for?
Chubby girl: I'm waiting for her to fuck Jerry!
--55th & 3rd
Overheard by: diana
"The Thick-Headed League"
Bimbette #1: There's this castle on the West coast... I think it belongs to the guy who wrote Sherlock Holmes.
Bimbette #2: Yeah, he seems like a West coast kind of guy.
--Train from Poughkeepsie to Manhattan
Compassion: A NYC Short Story
Guy: Did you hear about that guy that fell from a 47th floor and survived?
Girl: No.
Guy: It's crazy! The paramedics found him conscious, too.
Girl: Wow. Can you help me upload my Jingle Ball photos to my Kodak account?
--1500 Broadway
This Only Works If Both People Are Rolling
Girl #1: Hi...What are you drinking?
Girl #2: Hi. It's rum and cranberry.
Girl #1: Are you single?
Girl #2: Yeah
Girl #1: I love my boyfriend...but sometimes I just wanna fuck other people.
Girl #2 just stares at Girl 1.
Girl #1: Have you ever been in love?
Girl #2: Yeah
Girl #1: Didn't you ever just wanna fuck other people?
Girl #2: Umm...no. Not when I was with him. You might have a problem.
Girl #1: Wanna go to the bathroom?
Girl #2: Definitely not.
--The Hairy Monk
Overheard by: Shannon
That's Only If It's Inflamed
Guy: This song Ring of Fire is about Johnny Cash falling in love with June Carter.
Girl: Really? I thought it was about a rimjob.
--Pink Pony, Ludlow Street
Overheard by: Michael Roche
Weren't You in Michigan in 2001?
Chick: I dunno, ever since 9/11, my period has been all off.
Guy: Really? You think the trade towers had something to do with it?
Chick: Yeah, I think so... Maybe because of all the dust in the air from the building or something.
--Penn Station
Overheard by: Shalvi
She Meant Anal Virgin
Girl #1: Yo, it'd be so cute if we both lost our virginity this weekend.
Girl #2: But you're not a virgin
Girl #1: Oh, right. Dammit.
Bum: If you ain't a virgin, you must be a ho! Don't come back to this church. This is God's place.
--St. John the Divine
Overheard by: a fox
iPod Suicide Rates Up; Experts Blame Dave Matthews Band
Girl #1: Oh my gawd, that guy just dropped his iPod under the train!
Girl #2: He's not even crying!
Girl #1: He must be in shock. I would be!
--Penn Station, LIRR
In the Mood for Wednesday One-liners
Girl on cell: So, you know, I was just lying there, like with my face to the wall and stuff and he just whips out his dick and starts hitting me in the back of the head with it.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Zac Stone
Wednesday One-Liners Are Legends in Their Own Minds
Girl: I think Elvis died on my birthday...No, wait, Elvis died on Madonna's birthday. Why do I always get that confused?
--36th St
Geeky guy: Dudes, we are staying at the Bellagio. That gives us instant credibility.
--Jet Blue Terminal, JFK
Overheard by: Dungy
Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners
Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.
--Central Park
Overheard by: sarah
Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.
--NJ Transit
Overheard by: Date Rape
Smooth operator: Don't worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.
--Subway
Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.
--51st St & Broadway
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs... and viagra...
--Union Square, uptown 6 train
Guy: Dude, I can't get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.
--Outside Columbia dorm
Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I'm going to the wine bar.
--68th St & York
Crotchless Wednesday One-Liners
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
--2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
--Victoria's Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
--Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
--Victoria's Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
--Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah's Witness? 'Cause I don't want you comin' to my house unless you're going to drop your panties!
--PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria's Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
--Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
"Really? I'll go get my shovel!"
Girl #1: I love Kurt Cobain. I so would have had sex with him.
Girl #2: That's like #60 in a long line of dead celebrities you would have had sex with. You're such a slut!
Girl #1: No, see, you can have sex with as many dead celebrities as you want and not be a whore. It's the rules.
--Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Like How You Internalized that Whole Cake Last Night
Girl #1: You could put yourself on a wait list.
Girl #2: Do you think I need to?
Girl #1: [Pause] W-A-I-T 'wait,' not 'weight.'
Girl #2: Oh.
Girl #1: It's bad to internalize.
--11th St & 3rd Ave
I'm Sure He Meant Nurse, and Stripper-Nurse
Chick: Hey, did the space shuttle land yet?
Man: No, it's still circling in space endlessly.
Chick: Really, so are they stuck up there?
Man: I'm kidding. It landed last week.
Chick: So did it land in California or at JFK?
Man: JFK? What the hell are you talking about? You mean the Kennedy Space Center, not JFK! I can't believe you're going to be a doctor.
--George Washington Bridge Bus Station
Doctor: This Child's Chart Says Pneumonia. Why Are Her Legs Broken?
Guy: You should really take her to the hospital.
Woman with coughing, sweating, crying child: You wanna do somethin'? Why don't you get off yo' ass and take her temperature?! [To child] If you end up in the hospital, I'm gonna make sure you stay in the hospital!
--1 train
It's Actually Just the Sheepshead Bay
Girl #1: I have the best view of the Hudson River from my bedroom window.
Girl #2: Oh, did you move to the West Side?
Girl #1: Um, no. I still live on the East Side.
Girl #2: You mean the East River?
Girl #1: Whatever, you're not invited.
--University & 10th
There's a Difference Between Abs and Rolls
Girl #1: Don't you like anything about yourself?
Girl #2: I like my abs.
Girl #1: Really?
Girl #2: I guess not.
--Grand Central
Overheard by: Alexis Gratt
Don't Tell Me How to Do My Job
Girl: And to think I wasn't sure what was going on with him! Then last night I was like why would someone care so much about my underwear if they didn't want to get into it?
Guy: That's a great question.
Girl: Isn't it?
Guy: That should be on OverheardInNewYork.
--Perry Street
How Many Danger Signs Can You Find?
Blonde: Yeah, so I talked to him on the phone about three weeks ago, and he was saying how we haven't chilled 'cause he's been in and out of court... I don't know. I wish he'd call.
Brunette: Hey, maybe he's in jail.
Blonde: Damn... I still didn't get my lighter back!
--Park Slope
Now I Know Why Friends Was So Unpredictable
Girl #1: I hate gushing blood. Gross.
Girl #2: Yeah, and retarded people
Girl #3: Yeah, retarded people scare me
Girl #2: 'Cause you'll never know what they're gonna do, 'cause they're retarded.
--KFC, King's Highway, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Veronika
The Poop She Blames on the Dog
Girl #1: One time I farted and there was a cute boy there and I was mortified.
Girl #2: Yes! What did you say?
Girl #1: I blamed it on a homeless person!
Girl #2: Holy crap that's genius.
--Washington Square Park
Overheard by: Shanon Kelley
She Loves the Taste of Nuts and Peanuts
Girl #1: Yum. It tastes like rum!
Guy: It might be rum.
Girl #1: No. It doesn't look like rum.
Guy: I know. I mean there might be rum in it.
Girl #1: Oh. But it doesn't taste like alcohol. It just tastes like peanuts.
Girl #2: Huh? Like peanuts?
Girl #1: Yeah. Like coconuts.
--Coney Island
Since I Broke My Little Brother
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: ... And then they gave her a breathalizer, and my mom said I couldn't drink 'til ninth grade!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #2: My brother got a breathalizer!
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: I want a breathalizer.
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #1: Why?
Tipsy 15-year-old girl #3: To play with!
--Indian restaurant, 6th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Ohmygodstopservingthem
Keep Walking North, and You'll Run Into the Crack Whores, Dear
Woman on cell: First I had to see all of those girls I know with their perfect boyfriends, reminding me I'm single! Now I'm in the Village, and all these gays guys are out with their hot boyfriends, reminding me I'm single. I can't take it anymore, Ma!
--Christopher & Bleecker
Readers: Give Her a Clever Comeback
Girl #1: Ohmigosh, I just bought scratch 'n sniff underwear! With an apple on it!
Girl #2: Why the hell would you want to scratch your ass and then sniff it?
--66th & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners Know It's Better to Look Good Than to Feel Good
Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: wants baby cow bag, too
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
--Midtown
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
--Madison Sq Park
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: DM Cook
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?...Not to your shoe! In the hospital!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.
--Rooftop party, the SoHo House
Only if the Conductor Were a Saudi
Chick #1: Damn yo, why aren't there aboveground trains in the city?
Chick #2: They'd crash into the buildings. Duh! Pfft.
--J train
Overheard by: maggie
Bullwinkle Ate My Family
Chick: Yeah, deers aren't that bad. You're in trouble if you hit a cow, though. And even worse would be a moose, because if you don't kill it it's gonna kill you!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Danger!!!!
What Are Penn Sorority Girls Doing in New York?
College girl #1: So, like, if you know anyone who, like, needs, like, anyone to do, like, anything for money, I'm totally desperate.
College girl #2: Oh, for sure! I'll totally let you know!
--St. Mark's, between 2rd and 3nd
Mind the Gap (Stand Clear of the Closing Doors)
Chick #1: I went back on birth control this month. I'm using the Ring, except I don't know if I'm using it right. I don't want to take it out every time we have sex.
Chick #2: Wait, you shouldn't have to take it out during sex.
Chick #1: That's what I thought. Except, maybe I'm using it wrong, but I had sex and then afterward we couldn't find it.
Chick #2: It can't get lost up there!
Chick #1: It went so far up my cooter. And I swear I must have put my whole fist in there to fish it out.
Chick #2: There's nowhere for it to go! It can't get past your cervix.
Chick #1: How far up is my cervix?
Chick #2: Well, depends how long your vagina is. I think everyone's is different. Maybe you have, like, a subway tunnel in there.
--Bleecker Playground
Overheard by: LMF
Somehow Osama Remains At Large
Chick #1: I think Moron Titty is a great code name. Like, if you go into the CIA? I think you should be Agent Moron Titty.
Chick #2: Yeah, my nipples have an I.Q. of, like, 75.
--Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: djlindee
Seems Like Mom's Eggs Weren't Quite Grade "A"
Girl: Can I have an egg omelette?
Chef: Um...yes, do you want anything in that?
Girl: Doesn't it come with stuff in it?
Chef: Yes, what do you want in your omelette?
Girl: Eggs.
Chef: That it?
Girl: Actually, what kind of omelettes besides egg do you have?
--Penn Station
Wednesday One-Liners Are Brimming with Consumer Confidence
Asian student on cell: Yeah, I haven't had time to go shopping. I've had all this school work to do... Yeah, me either -- I haven't been since, like, Saturday... I miss shopping, too.
--NYU computer lab
Overheard by: Cpt. Kate
Bimbette: We should go to Boston to go to the big Victoria's Secret. It would be, like, the most rational thing we've ever done.
--Fordham University RamVan
Overheard by: wishmewell
Three-year-old Barenaked Ladies fan: Mommy, if I had a lot of money, I'd buy you a green dress.
--59th & Lex
Overheard by: But not a real green dress, that's cruel
Texan: Don't you have malls here? Well, I guess New York is like one big strip mall.
--23rd St & Lex
Overheard by: Not a Texan
Tourist bimbo: What mall is this?
--Outside Bloomberg office tower, 59th & Lex
Overheard by: Russ Wall
That's the Idea
Girl #1: Ugh, I hate the teabag.
Girl #2: Oh, I love it! You've got to embrace the teabag!
--W 10th & Greenwich
Yo Momma So Dumb, She Fail a Pregnancy Test
Girl #1: So I'm like 3 months late and I have no idea what to do about it.
Girl #2: Well, you have to take a pregnancy test!
Girl #1: No, those things are so hard!
Girl #2: How fucking hard can it be to pee on a stick?
Girl #1: Pretty fucking hard!
--Manhattan Beach
Plan B: Sit on a Hive
Girl #1: She is like, mad flat.
Girl #2: I know, right?
Girl #1: So I hear that she wears two pairs of pants to make her butt look bigger!
--A train
Didn't Quite Ace That Stuy Test, Huh?
Girl #1: Marilyn Monroe is, like, one of my idols.
Girl #2: Wait, isn't he that guy with the glass eye?
Girl #1: Um...no.
--Brooklyn Tech, Fort Greene
Overheard by: alina suriel
Who Gets Jennifer, That Big Baby?
Girl #1: What do you think of Brad Pitt adopting Angelina Jolie's kids?
Girl #2: I don't get it, she doesn't want her kids anymore? She's just going to give them to him?
Girl #1: Man, you're an idiot.
--Coles Sports & Recreation Center, Mercer Street
Sniff, Sniff. It Stinks of Bitch Up in Here
Chick #1: One of my earphones on my iPod is completely busted.
Chick #2: Why? Do you listen to it really loud?
Chick #1: Yeah, on the subway. I try to drown out the noise.
Chick #2: I wish they made iPods for the nose so you could drown out the smell.
--Life Cafe Nine 83, Bushwick
Overheard by: Courtney C
What's a Good Baby-Mamma Make These Days?
Girl #1: I never want to have kids.
Girl #2: Me neither, but I'd totally get pregnant with a celebrity's kid. Then I'd be rich for the rest of my life.
--A train to Far Rockaway
Overheard by: M
I Didn't Go to the Trouble of Poisoning All Those People Just to Be Ignored
Blonde chick: Oh my god, so there's this playwright who died, and they're like, putting on a re-... re-... Well, like, whatever it's called, they're putting it on. They're reading some lines. But anyway, like, her brother who, like, my dad like, used to work with -- well, he's dead, too. And I'm like, 'Why are you hanging out with your girlfriend's daughter when I'm your real daughter?'
Friend: Oh my god, you should totally bitch him out.
Blonde chick: Oh, I will.
--Elevator, NYU residence hall
Aloha to the Freak State
Shopgirl: You got to go to Hawaii for the summer? You're so lucky!
Shopqueer: Not so lucky; I had to come back.
Shopgirl: At least you got to get out of the country.
--Urban Outfitters, Upper West Side
And Education Clearly Has No Intrinsic Value
Man: I bet you're hot to trot to get back to school
Girl: No, not really. My dad will be driving me.
--Rolling Hills Park, Staten Island
First You Make a Zombie Out of a Deaf Composer...
Girl #1: Do you know what movie is playing tonight?
Man: Phantom of the Opera.
Girl #1: Oh!
Man: It's the 1926 silent version.
Girl #2: How do you make a silent movie from a musical?
--Propect Park Bandshell
Cold Fish Is the New Warm Vegetable
Girl #1: Want to get take-out?
Girl #2: Sure. I feel like something warm and vegetarian.
Girl #1: Like what?
Girl #2: Hmm. Oh! Like a tuna sandwich.
--Upper West Side
Skinny Crackers Are Good For You. Period.
Black teenage girl on cell: I don't care if he is a skinny white dude. I'm telling you right now, as long as I don't have my period I'm gonna screw that cracker.
--7th Ave, Park Slope
I Didn't Realize Santa Was Body-Dysmorphic
Girl #1: No, dammit. Not Italian. I'm so fat, you guys.
Girl #2: What? Shut up! You're skinnier than all my other friends. You're skinnier than me!
Girl #1: I have a fat soul.
Guy: The word you're looking for is "jolly."
--N train
That's How You Know You're Doing It Right, Guy
Girl: I can't stop thinking about having sex with you.
Guy: Uh, aren't you being a little loud about that?
--University & 8th
Overheard by: Lauren
Careful, You Might Get a Ticket
Guy: If you could marry Dave Matthews right now, would you?
Girl: Yeah, I would; I would piss on his face!
Guy: What?
Girl: Yeah, I heard he likes that.
--John & Gold
Overheard by: Jon Margolis
Goth v. Preppy: The Archie Paradigm
Girl #1: So, like, I'm deciding between these two guys. One's really hot, and like, Goth and stuff--he listens to Cradle of Filth--and the other's all preppy and sweet.
Girl #2: Uh huh. That's so Tess of the d'Urbervilles.
Girl #1: Uh huh. And so, I'm all conflicted. The preppy one's so sweet! He's trying to get me not to do drugs. He's all, "Don't do heroin!"
Girl #2: That's sweet, I guess. Wait: do you do drugs?
Girl #1: Well, no. I might have done pot once, but I was so wasted I couldn't tell.
--The Strand
Arrangements by His Baby Momma
Ballet boy: Is this the Piano Concerto choreographed by Balanchine?
Ballet girl: No.
Ballet boy: Then who is it?
Ballet girl: I don't know. It's like...ghetto.
--NYU Skirball Center
Alcohol-arious!
Woman #1: Have you ever been to this place?
Woman #2: Yeah, Irish bar. You know those motherfuckers can drink.
Woman #3: You can say that again.
Woman #1: I don't usually hang out in Irish bars. Too rowdy for me.
Woman #3: C'mon on, you'll like it. Besides, the bartender is cute.
Woman #2: This chick I know fucked him but he is lousy in the sack. The only reason she banged him was because he's good-looking and she gets free drinks.
Woman #1: Too bad the good-looking ones are always dumb and suck. If he's that good-looking I'd fuck him too. Drinks in this fucking city are expensive as hell. Why not? Let's see what your friend is talking about.
--44th & 8th
Hi, My Name is Bill, and I'm a Wednesday One-Liner
Guy: All we're gonna do anyway is drink in my basement. Fuckin' suburbia.
--W 4th & Mercer
Teen girl: And he was like, "You people from Connecticut, all you ever do is drink cocktails and text-message each other."
--Uptown 2 train
Ditzy girl: It's like...like the herbal tea of beers.
--House of Brews, 51st & 8th
Overheard by: Just Trying to Watch the Game in Peace
Teenage guy: Dude, you can't get married. You're going to college. There's gonna be a lot of girls and beer. Every day.
--Middletown Rd & Crosby Ave, the Bronx
Overheard by: christine
Girl on phone: What do you mean she's not drunk yet?
--Mo Pitkins, 2nd St & Ave A
Overheard by: sarah
Guy: We're going to strap the beer to the dog, and go down to the Ho Chi Minh Trail, and camp out by the railroad tracks.
--Ave A
Overheard by: Cory
Guy: I would rather be poor and not famous than famous and poor...I drank a lot today, but I am not drunk.
--7 train
Guy on phone: Did you do her?...Mazel Tov...Was she drunk?
--Lobby, Cardozo School of Law
Yeah, Vollard's Cat Is Wearing Fur
High school girl #1: Imagine posing for all of these artists.
High school girl #2: Yeah, but you'd be standing around naked all of the time.
High school girl #1: You probably didn't have to be entirely naked.
--Vollard exhibit, the Met
Or Not Very Subtle
Girl #1: ...uh, strapless?
Girl #2: Yeah? Which one?
Girl #1: You know you just asked me what strap on I bought, right?
Girl #2: Oh, shit. I'm not very smart am I?
--Victoria's Secret, Prince Street
Overheard by: Natalie
Let's Cross That Bridge When You Come On It
Teen Girl: It's a good thing Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt broke up because I am so going to do him when I meet him. If he is with Angelina Jolie that is even better because I would totally do her too. I would definitely do both of them!
--Staten Island Mall
How About a Double Quarter-Pounder With AIDS?
Girl: You're like McDonald's: over one billion served!
Guy: So what does that make you: an extra value meal?
--7th & B
Nothing Says "I Love You" Like a Lat Spread
Girl #1: I never realized how nice his back was until we broke up.
Girl #2: As he was walking away from you?
--Stuyvesant & 3rd
Overheard by: katyunextraordinaire
We overheard that "You can't go nowhere now without seeing faggots".
Girl #1: So you mean he's gay?!
Girl #2: Yeah, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay, he's gay!
Girl #3: Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god...
Girl #4: Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my god...
Girl #2: He's gay, he's gay!
--81st St. B/C station
Overheard by: Tommy Wooh
Guy: But you have to promise, promise, promise, promise you won't tell anyone.
Girl: I promise.
Guy: Yeah, but promise promise promise?
Girl: I promise promise!
Guy: All right. [Sam]'s gay.
--57th & 6th
Overheard by: Heather
Girl: Let's get one thing straight...
Guy: I'm not.
Girl: Wait, what?...oh my fucking lord, everyone is fucking gay now! I'll see you in hell.
--Soho
Terrified of Old Men Screaming Profanities
Girl #1: He really scares me.
Girl #2: He's the Pope! That's totally sacrilege.
Girl #1: I know, but he has Tourette's or something.
Girl #2: Or the flu.
Girl #1: Whatever.
--6 train
Jesus Has Been Bitching for 2,000 Years
Girl #1: I can't believe how cold it got. And on my birthday of all days!
Girl #2: Well, in the weather's defense, it was cold yesterday too.
--15th & 8th
Too Bad the Soulless Cast No Reflection
Chick #1: I want to see you with a nice guy.
Chick #2: I want to see me with a nice guy, too. Preferably in the mirror above my bed.
--Molly Wee Pub, 30th & 8th
Overheard by: Djlindee
A Downtown Scene
Woman #1: I think we should beat him up.
Woman #2: I'm a Muslim Buddhist Jew. I don't wanna listen to his Christian rock!
Woman #3: Hee hee...yeah!
--Financial District
The Dulcet Tones of Irrelevance
Girl #1: What language are they singing in? Is that German?
Girl #2: No, it's European.
--Virgin, Times Square
Elephant Man II: Apple Girl
Girl #1: You know you can spell your name R-A-C-H-L-E too, right?
Girl #2: That's Rach-lee.
Girl #1: No, the way it sounds listen to the LE, like "apple". You don't spell apple A-P-P-E-L.
Girl #2: Yeah, but that's dumb because I am not an apple.
--Sheepshead Bay station
Overheard by: Lena Ner
Too Bad Investment Bankers Aren't Tired of School Boys
HS girl #1: I'm just so tired of school boys.
HS girl #2: Yeah. Me too. I'm pretty much all about investment bankers now.
HS girl #1: Oh my god. I'm so going to invite you to my next investment banker party.
--78th & Lex
Two for Me, Dumb for You
Girl #1: What should I get? Milky Way or a Twix?
Girl #2: Get the Twix, there's a cookie in it so you'll burn more calories by chewing that.
--Kmart, Penn Station
It Stands for Bitch, Dumb
Girl on phone: I forget what the BD stands for, but I'm pretty sure the SM stand for sado-masochism. My ad was in the platonic section, anyway.
--60th & Columbus
Overheard by: Alaska
All Set with the Webbed Feet
Teen girl #1: Hey, we could go as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, that's a good one
Teen girl #1: You'd only need a mask...They're frogs, right?
--Urban Outfitters, 72nd & Broadway
She's the Cob, and They're the Cornholders
Girl: There's a Duane Reade.
Guy #1: What do we need a Duane Reade for?
Girl: If we're gonna do this, you guys both have to be wearing condoms.
--84th & Broadway
Suit #1: But what happens if our cocks accidentally touch?
Suit #2: Well...we're both adults, we'll just have to deal with it.
--52nd & Lexington
I Think It's Called Learning...
Bubbly blonde: Isn't it amazing how you don't know how to do something and then you do?
--Rockefeller Center Cafeteria
Overheard by: emma
Every Wednesday One-Liner Is Sacred
Girl: I mean, I never want to get married. Like... never. But I really want babies. So I guess I'm just going to have a bastard.
--Marquet Cafe, 15 East 12th St
Overheard by: Grace
She Got Eight Volunpeers
Girl #1: Ew, you're holding on to the bar?
Girl #2: Yeah, I'm holding on to the bar. If I don't I'll fall over.
Girl #1: Ew. That is so gross. That's like the one thing that grosses me out more than anything.
Girl #2: It's just a bar.
Girl #1: No, you don't understand. I would rather have someone pee on my face than touch that thing.
--N train
Wednesday One-liners Need to Get Cut Off
Chick on cell: That is not true!...No!...I would never do that! Gross! I so did not do that...Did I?...Really?...Oh, well, maybe I was too trashed to remember.
--Times Square
Arty girl: I may be hung over. I haven't decided yet.
--Metropolitan Bar, Williamsburg
Overheard by: ~dana
Guy: So I find that when I taste champagne with someone, I have nothing to say.
--32nd & 6th
Chick: Wait, I really did sleep with that guy? I need to update my
Excel spreadsheet.
--Montien, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: djlindee
Erica: Welcome to Applebee's, my name is Erica. Can I get you started with a drink, or a beverage?
--Applebee's, W. 225th Street
Overheard by: MissDona
You Might Know Us as the Detarded
Girl: I'm an atheist.
Guy: What's an atheist?
Girl: It means I don't believe in God.
Guy: They have a word for that?
--Nectar Coffee Shop, 79th & Madison
Unlike All Other Cultures, Which Are a Product of Our Country
Bimbo: So are you ever going to move back to Europe?
Eurotrash: I was thinking about that a couple of times when I was really, really depressed in LA. American culture is such a product of the country.
--Soho
Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz
Woman to friend: It just wasn't what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.
--5th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: MK
LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn't been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?
--R train
Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that's an investment... That's bail.
--Bus, Port Authority
Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I'm home! One more day and I'm not in jail!
--Subway entrance, 125th St
Overheard by: Leaving Harlem
Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine's Day with my mom... If her boyfriend wasn't in jail she wouldn't be bothering me.
--Eastern Pkwy Library
Chick to boyfriend: So, that's what you learned in prison?
--Central Park
Dating Riddle #486: If They Got Married, Who'd Be Settling More?
Dorky guy: Maybe I'll take you to Lucky Cheng's.
Date: Huh?
Dorky guy: I thought you'd heard of it. See, men dress up as women there. They're called transvestites. Some of them even have had surgery. I won't really take you there. I just wanted to understand your thought process. See how you react when I throw something like that out there.
Date: What? Are you taking me there?
--14th St