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What About People Who Misuse "Subtlety"?
Woman: Wow, your face is really red! What happened, sunburn?
Cashier girl: No...allergic reaction.
Woman: Ooh...what are you allergic to?
Cashier girl: Rude, obnoxious and tactless customers.
Woman: Oh, so you get a lot of those, hmm?
Cashier girl: Ugh...Oh yeah, I forgot, and stupid ones that don't get subtlety, either.
--Stop & Shop, Long Island City
Overheard by: mshorty
Just How St. John's Girls Clear Their Throats
Girl: Jerk.
Guy: Why do you always say that?
Girl: Asshole.
Guy: You always say that, too!
--St. John's University
Oh Wait, That's Just Steven Tyler -- Hi, Steven!
Biotech #1: I hate her, she's so ugly.
Biotech #2: She's a drag queen.
--Trump Atrium Party, 5th Ave between 56th & 57th
Overheard by: Tim
Tourist: At Last I'm out of That Bitch's Hair!
Woman: Oh, would you like to get by?
Japanese tourist: Yes, thank you.
Woman: You're very welcome...[to friend] Got that bitch outta my hair.
--Century 21
Sounds Like They Should Be Stand-ups
Promoter guy: Do you guys like comedy?
Girl #1: We hate laughter.
Girl #2: Sunshine and happiness too.
--Union Square
Congrats, You're Not Even as Classy as the SI Ferry
British bitch on cell: I'm surrounded by fucking morons who probably struggled through the NYC school system. We all know New Yorkers are the dumbest. They can't even read. They haven't had a Latin education and they probably can't even speak another language...I didn't want to get a limo to take to the fuckin' ghettos of Brooklyn. I didn't want to take a cab because these uneducated people don't understand directions. I didn't want to spend $30 and not get to the right place...Please make sure my car gets fixed. I've been reduced to the humiliation of taking public transportation. Now the second part of my fucking nightmare begins. I have to take the subway! I'm dressed like a commoner. I didn't want to wear a $5000 Chanel suit on a seat that hasn't been cleaned...She's letting us borrow her castle for our wedding. If they can't afford to be there, they obviously don't deserve to come.
--Staten Island Ferry
Overheard by: Christine
Because That's Really Inconvenient for Your Friends
Dude: I mean, you don't have to completely fall apart once your child dies.
Chick: Yeah, seriously.
--Prince St
Overheard by: Aniela
They Normally Say, "Little Black Babies Are So Cute!"
Woman #1 to a child swinging his legs and wriggling: Stop that fidgeting!
Woman #2: See that? You even be irritating white women!
--B train, 96th St
Overheard by: Also Irritated
In Los Angeles, They Would Both Be Executed
Unattractive girl #1: She was so ugly. I mean like Staten Island ugly.
Unattractive girl #2: I think those people are around to balance out the ridiculously attractive people in Manhattan.
--Uptown 1st Ave bus
Overheard by: amf
He Celebrates Boxing Day
Two NYU girls are walking downtown and one trips and falls on the street.
Hobo: Did you have a nice trip? I'll see you next fall!
NYU Girl: Hey...where's your home?
--Water & Fulton
And the Cafeteria Experienced a Sudden Decrease in Fishsticks
Biotech #1: Look, there's that creepy old librarian that used to work at the library at school!
Biotech #2: She was so gross! Every day I would go in to check out a book for a class and another one of her fingers would be missing!
Biotech #1: Yeah, that's probably why she left.
--Kiehl's, 3rd Ave
She Works Magic with That Trunk--in the Kitchen
Magyar lady #1: See that woman over there? Why does a woman that big come out of the house?
Magyar lady #2: And that floral dress? She looks like an elephant!
Magyar lady #1: Oh look, the elephant is walking past again.
Magyar lady #2: Why don't any of the elephant's friends tell her how bad she looks?
Guy on next bench: If you ladies will excuse me, I'm off to go join my wife, the elephant.
Translated from the Hungarian.
--Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
Who Says No Classy People Ride the Bus?
Old lady (looking directly at Hispanic woman and her baby): They don't speak English and they don't wanna learn. They just want pay from America. They hate our guts.
[to baby]: Give your Mommy a kiss!
--B6 Bus, Brooklyn
We've Found Her Running Mate
Bike guy: Hey girl, I really like your red hair
Chick: Yeah, me too. That's why I dye it. But I don't like it nearly as much as I like not being interrupted when I am tryng to talk to someone.
--St. Marks & 3rd
Overheard by: ~dana
Then Pay Me a Dollar Not to Clean It
Hobo: Hey, can I clean the snow off your car for a dollar?
Girl cleaning car: Ummm, no way.
Hobo: Even when it's cold white people are assholes.
Girl cleaning car, to passerby: I don't want his smelly ass touching my baby.
--115th St & Frederick Douglass Blvd
Overheard by: Paula
But Then What Will He Use as a Toilet?
Hobo: Can you spare some change for the homeless?
Drunk girl: Yeah, right. Sell that backpack first.
--4th & Broadway
Overheard by: Andrew Schulte
Is There a Way to Take Her Out without Killing Her?
Teen girl #1: I just wish there was some middle ground. Like, if they could take the baby out without killing it.
Teen girl #2: Yeah, I know what you're talking about.
Teen girl #1: But with rape, I think it's totally wrong. It's her fault.
Teen girl #2: Really? Why?
Teen girl #1: If you're walking down a dark alley all alone, you have it coming to you. You should know better. It's totally your own fault.
--42nd & 6th
Overheard by: Chris Cardinal
In Other Words, Limbo
Woman: Move in, motherfuckers, move in!
Yuppie guy: Wait for the next one, this is too packed.
Woman: Bitch, I have to be on this train!
Yuppie guy: This isn't the train to heaven, you know. It's, like, going to Queens.
--F train
Overheard by: Nickicaps
Kinda Like How Standing Next to You Makes Me Feel Thin
Biotech: Like, the only reason I like living in Brooklyn is because everyone's a mess, so it makes me so feel normal, you know?
Friend: Yeah.
--E 77th, between 2nd & 3rd
Paris: But, Nicole, You're Black
Rich chick: So now he's telling me we need a kid. I don't want one, but he says we can adopt and avoid all the messy stuff.
Friend: So are you going to?
Rich chick: I said I'd consider it if we can get one that's actually white. You know. 'Cause you never really know what they're giving you.
Friend: That's so true.
--Macy's
Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Metrosexual
Professor: Where is the line between what is homosexual and what is not? Is a circle jerk not gay? Oh, god. I'm sorry to anyone who doesn't know what that is.
--NYU
Girl: It makes you look gay, and I don't mean good gay.
--The Gap, 17th St & 5th Ave
Flamboyant man on cell: I got you the one that had an 'L.V.' on it... How am I supposed to know what that means? I'm not that kind of gay!
--Grand St & Broadway
Overheard by: callmedrpalmer
TA: We can talk about boy sex, but we can't talk about homosexuality.
--Classroom, NYU
Queer: Wait, how did you end up the gayest? Because I started out the gayest!
--Time Square
Overheard by: Tourist Who Blends
Bimbette: No, Jesus was gay. That's the only solution.
--4 train
Overheard by: solution to what?
That Was Fast
Girl #1: Wow, your outfits are so cool.
Girl #2: Thanks!
Girl #1: Do you have any more glow bracelets?
Girl #2: Yeah, a lot
Girl #1: Can I have one?
Girl #2: No.
Girl #1: Oh...So before when I said your outfits were cool: I was totally lying.
--Joshua Tree ladies' room, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: e jack
A Daily NYC Scene (Telemundo Edition)
White girl: Excuse me...excuse me...Can I please get the fuck by?
Hispanic guy: You don't have to push, bitch!
White girl: Well, if you would stop with all that Mira! Mira! Mira! shit and stop looking and start listening maybe you wouldn't get yelled at like a dumbass!
--A train, 125th Street station
Overheard by: Dixie Mae
But They'd Be Perfect for You
Chick #1: Have you ever broken your phone?
Chick #2: No, I think the worst I've ever broken is my finger.
Chick #1: [Pause] But, I mean, now I don't have any of my numbers.
Chick #2: Oh my god! I thought you meant... Oh, wow. Well, why didn't you just tell me you broke your phone? I have, like, four.
Chick #1: Four?
Chick #2: Well, they weren't nice. I didn't feel like they were reliable.
--L train
That Would Be the Queen of Clubs
Queer: Excuse me, ma'am?
Chick: Yes?
Queer: Um, girl, it's time for some new Uggs. I felt it was my gift to society to tell you.
Chick: Dude, put your fag card down and start worrying about something else.
--Spring & Mercer
Ladies, Fabulous People Don't Need Roommates
Girl #1: Dude, that apartment was so ridiculousy small. No fat people would be able to walk in our hallway.
Girl #2: Like we're friends with anyone who's fat.
--6th & Houston
Tourists Tsouris
Chick: I get in the cab and in five seconds Billy's got his hands and nose pressed against the glass. And I'm like, stop that! That's not funny. They'll think we're fucking tourists. They'll take us like the longest fucking way from here. They think we're fucking tourists. You are not excited by the Brooklyn Bridge! Or the Statue of Liberty!
--Lafayette St.
That Means They're Both the Evil One
Woman #1: Oh, look over there... that is just tragic.
Woman #2: What?
Woman #1: Ugly twins.
--15th & 5th
Overheard by: Manhattman
The Correct Term is "Nurse"
Doctor guy: What brings you here today?
Woman: You're not wearing ID. Are you a doctor?
Doctor guy: Oh, I'm sorry, I left it at the computer.
He goes to get it.
Man: What didja do that for?
Woman: How do you know he's really a doctor? He could be a homosexual.
--Coney Island Hospital
Overheard by: Iris Kalashnikova
Someone Please Punch Her
Bitch: Oh hi! We were just speaking very poorly about you!
--Art Gallery, SoHo
Overheard by: Tibbie X
When the Family's Finances Are "Mysteriously" Shifted to an Offshore Account, This'll All Come into Focus
Nanny: So, do you like being poor?
Obviously-not-poor child: Can I have a cookie?
Nanny: Maybe you should think about how you don't like being poor instead of cookies.
--W 77th, between Broadway & West End
Overheard by: Jen
Wednesday One-Liners Know It's Better to Look Good Than to Feel Good
Girl: I want a Marc Jacobs bag, and I don't care if it's made of baby cow!
--Outside the Met
Overheard by: wants baby cow bag, too
Guy, explaining his pants: Yeah, they look gay, but they make my junk look huge.
--Midtown
Man picking up trash to woman picking up trash: How you gonna make ten dollars an hour and have people making minimum wage looking better than you?
--Madison Sq Park
Shopaholic: I know! One time I thought there was more to life than that. But then I went back to Bloomingdale's.
--59th & Madison
Overheard by: DM Cook
Teenage girl on phone: So where are you?...So,what happened?...Not to your shoe! In the hospital!
--Central Park
Overheard by: concerned trespasser
Cougar-in-Training, looking at non-trendy partygoers: Clearly they don't belong here.
--Rooftop party, the SoHo House
The NYC Subway Finishing School for Girls
Ghetto chick: She went by and shoved me and was like "Ex-cuse me!", but not like "excuse me", you know? So she had this long hair? Well, I grabbed her by the hair, flung her down the stairs, and started kicking her ass. I'll fight anybody.
--D train
No, We Really Don't
Chick: You know how you wanted to call him up and say it's not personal, you just want to be friends? Don't. They need to be told. They don't know that they're idiots.
--Our Place, 3rd Avenue
Great Place, Steve! Wow, Is That All Just One Big Oven?
Woman: You know how the Germans continue to punish the Jews? They date them.
--6th St & 2nd Ave
Wednesday One-liners Tip the Scales
Chick: So then this huge fat lady with really bad teeth said, "This is the most fabulous party I've ever been to," so I left.
--1st Avenue & 9th Street
Overheard by: Rex Danger
Saccharine Might Be Better for Her
Woman in leggings: What the fuck is this shit? You gonna hand me three motherfucking sugar packets? Do you have any idea how big this coffee is?
Cashier: We don't put sugar in your coffee. Sugar packets are on the counter.
Woman in leggings: Listen, my boyfriend's a cop. And he owns, like, three Dunkin' Donuts franchises. What do you mean you won't put sugar in my fuckin' coffee? I want to speak to the manager.
Manager: Excuse me, but I heard you. There are sugar packets on the counter. Take as many as you like.
Woman in leggings: You guys are total assholes.
--Dunkin' Donuts, 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: ProcrastYNate
"...if you're a tanbot, that's another story."
Bronzing Blonde: So this guy was like "I can't tan in that bed, I'll burn," so I said, "Um, your last name is Garcia, you shouldn't burn that easily."
Bronzing Brunette: Seriously? I mean just because your last name is Garcia doesn't mean it's okay to be stupid.
--Tanning salon, 7th Avenue between 38th & 39th
I Can't Wait Not to Have One of My Own
Chick #1: Dude, everyone's popping out babies these days. JLo, TomKat, Britney. It's like they're the new fucking accessory.
Chick #2: Yeah, who wants a fucking baby anyway? You just turn into a fatass with stretch marks and saggy tits with a screaming infant who no one wants to be around.
Very pregnant passenger: I'm due in two weeks.
Chick #1: Aww! Is it a boy or a girl?
--F train
Those Celebrity Perfumes Should Come with a Warning
Girl #1: So have you heard about all these alligators in Florida that have been eating women?
Girl #2: No
Girl #1: Yeah, like three women got eaten last week
Girl #2: That's hilarious.
Girl #1: I know.
--F train between Jay & Bergen
"The wedding is off?"
Girl #1: Can you believe her? It drives me nuts!
Girl #2: Do you remember back when you were 17? You were just as bad.
Girl #1: No, I wasn't. I didn't walk around saying I was that hot. I may have been bad about other things, but I didn't say I was God's gift to everyone.
Girl #2: You were the most conceited person I knew.
Girl #1: Was not. And what the fuck do you have to bring that up and throw it in my face for? God...Forget it, I am not helping you with your Green Card.
--Queens Center Mall
It's Not Like I Talked About Her Behind Her Back...Before
Hipster Chick: So she's the heiress to like--what, K-mart or some shit?--and she can't afford to buy us all drinks? Fuck her!
--D Train
Let Me Guess: "Great Personality"
Girl #1: She always has this miserable look about her.
Girl #2: Dude, that's just her face.
Girl #1: Ew.
--Lincoln Center
"...hold on, I've got the kettle on the other line."
Bitch on cell: You know what my number one pet peeve is? Intolerence!
--Williamsburg
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Ironically, "Only in New York"
Princess: First I got on the wrong train--going uptown instead of downtown---and there was like (*sigh*) not a single pretty person on the train. Only in New York. I can't imagine being anywhere else in the world, getting on the train and not seeing a single attractive person!
--Union Square Station
Overheard by: Phil Rosenbloom
You've Come a Long Way, Biotech
Woman #1: You blew that smoke right in my face!
Woman #2: I don't control the wind, bitch!
--46th & Vanderbilt
Overheard by: whirlygurly
I Hear Massachusetts Wedding Bells!
Dude: Hey, watch it! Hey!
Old guy: What?
Dude: That's very rude.
Old guy: I said "excuse me".
Dude: Well I didn't hear it.
Old guy: Well maybe you should listen next time.
Dude: Well maybe you should kiss my ass, fag.
Old guy: Fuck off and die.
--Borders men's room, 32nd & 2nd
Posted 2005-05-22 |