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Our Sweet, Sweet Compensation for Centuries of Oppression
Black chick: Yo, you shoulda talked to that nigga at church.
Friend: You ain't supposed to say 'nigga' -- it's African-American month.
--Q train, Prospect Park stop
Overheard by: Jude
Just When You Think Humanity Is One Species
Black woman #1, looking at the Time Warner Center: I haven't been in there yet. But you know it's not for us.
Black woman #2: Why did they put a J Crew in there? J Crew ain't never got nothing.
Black woman #1: I know. If anything, they should have put a Kohl's. They got Kohl's in there?
--Uptown M7 bus
Overheard by: Always listening to other people's conversations
Spends It All on Hairspray
Black guy holding out headphones: Hey man, you like hip-hop music? It's all me right here, pimp!
Long-haired metalhead: Nah, man. I got nothing.
Black guy: White boy with no money? C'mon, I find that hard to believe.
--Times Square
Overheard by: Phil
Hocking Your Bronzed Baby Booties Doesn't Count
Homie #1: Fuck you, nigga! You ain't hustlin'!
Homie #2: No, fuck you! My shit is tight!
Homie #1: I'm still spendin' money from '93, nigga!
Homie #2: I'm still spendin' money from '88, nigga!
--119th & 7th
Overheard by: yvahn
You Catch It the Same Way You Do Unicorns
Gigantic suit, urinating outside: Excuse me, ladies. I apologize for that.
Ladies: It's OK.
Gigantic suit: There's a big black cock on the loose.
--19th & Broadway
Overheard by: becca
They Won't Come Anywhere Near Us, And We Can Shop in Peace
Black guy #1: Man, we shoulda gone to the Target in Queens!
Black guy #2: Yeah! That's where all the white people go!
--Target, Inwood
Overheard by: amused white girl
You Can Come to the Front If I Can Pick the Kids
Ragged old black guy with wad of cash in hand, teasing: You gonna let me cut the line, right?
Clerk: Please get on the end of the line.
Ragged old black guy: I'ma buy me that 250-dollar Blue Label up there. You gonna let me get on the front of this line, right?
Clerk: [Ignores him.]
Ragged old black guy: 250 dollars for Blue Label for me to get drunk and run over some kids!
--Liquor store, 23rd & Park
Overheard by: Baby G
He Spent the Whole Month High at Malibu Grand Prix
Black dude: Word, son. It didn't rain the whole time I was in California. No rain for a whole month. There was sun and clouds -- you would love it. The roads are crazy -- driving there is mad good, yo. They're all big and you can speed and the cops won't pull you over because there is so much other illegal-- well they got all those illegal aliens, the eses and pisanos.
Friend: Word?
Black dude: But they don't have stop signs. Like, you know, in New York they got those big red stop signs, but in California it's all written on the floor.
--Q Train
You've Seen Pulp Fiction Too Many Times
Black guy: ...And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.
White guy: Are you trying to mug me or what?
--7 train, 74th St Roosevelt
New York City Subway Stories
Conductor #1: This is 34th Street. Transfer is available to the B, Q, D...B...Q...Penn Station...D--
Conductor #2: Move over. D, Q, N, R. Stand clear.
--F train
Overheard by: Cole Couture
Hipster: Did the train just pass 28th street?
Woman: Yes, it went express, but you could get off at 14th and switch to the uptown train.
Homeboy: Or you could take your chances, break the window with a crowbar and jump out now.
--1 train
Overheard by: Hayley
Man: This won't do. All bad smelling people get the hell off the train.
At the next stop most of the car clears out.
Man: That's what I'm talking about.
--A train
A Black kid and his Hispanic girlfriend are arguing on the train. The kid is holding her in the seat and she is trying to rip off his shirt. The entire car is watching, as if it were a car wreck.
Hispanic girl: You're always showing off!
Black kid: What?
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black kid: Stop it!
Hispanic girl: Get off me!
Black passenger guy: Man, why's it always gotta be our people pulling this shit? You never see White people pulling this shit. You never see Chinese people pulling this shit. Man!
--C train
Two women were sitting next to each other, one clearly from New York, the other not. The tourist woman gestured with her chin at the conductor's booth and asked: Is that the bathroom?
--A train
The 200 Word Working Vocabulary Runs into Some Trouble
Black chick on cell: What? You don't want a picture of me? Huh? I said, 'You don't want a picture of me?' I'll send you one of me and my baby. Huh? My baby's one now. Huh? Man, I been tellin' you I had a baby. What? You my big baby, that's my baby baby.
--Coney Island
Those who Bootleg History Are Doomed to Profit From It
20-something Chinese guy: You know what? Chinese people discovered America.
20-something Black guy: Bullshit.
20-something Chinese guy: It's true! There's an article on CNN showing we discovered America, there are maps. Chinese were here first before everyone else. Chinese people did everything before everyone else. White people take credit for everything, but now it's coming out that Chinese made all of these discoveries first. Don't you see a pattern? We're the shit.
20-something Black guy: The only pattern I see is that you motherfuckers pirate and resell every DVD, and now you're trying to bootleg history.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
Odds Are That Petra Will Deny Him Twice More before Morning
Black guy: I'm Jesus!
Woman: No, you're not.
Black guy: Lady, I'm Jesus!
--A train
Overheard by: LSB
You Won't Be Laughing When the "Juicy" Diet Takes America by Storm
Drunk black woman #1: No, you gotta put cocoa butter on your legs and drink water. Water keeps your body juicy!
Drunk black woman #2: Jui-cy! Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: That's right, water keeps you juicy... [Sees young Asian woman smiling at them] Oooh, she know what I'm talkin' about! She exotic... She an Asian girl.
Drunk black woman #2: Bam-bam!
Drunk black woman #1: Yeahhh... She know what I'm talkin' about... Oh, shit, it's our stop... Thank God, because I'm 'bout to squat down somewhere! [Both stagger off train.]
--1 train
Overheard by: amused
Brother Gets Around
Garage guy: Yo, how much is the subway now?
Dude: Two motherfuckin' dollars.
Garage guy: Fuck that. A gallon of gas is less than that.
Dude: Dumbass, if you had a car, you would know that gas is more than $2.
Garage guy: Well, I don't.
Dude: No shit, dumbass.
Garage guy: My bitch do...ha, ha, ha.
--Park Slope parking garage
Overheard by: Jim Chambers
Wednesday One-Liners Can Pick Up Quarters With No Hands
Girl on cell: Quite frankly, I'd rather be pole dancing.
--Bryant Park
Overheard by: braincurve
Girl: I mean, I'm a stripper, but that don't mean I'm a ho.
--Central Park
Guy on cell: I don't get the whole Penthouse Club thing. There are strippers, and they serve you steak? I don't want a fucking stripper on my lap while I'm eating steak. I've got a knife.
--Austin Street, Forest Hills
Overheard by: Ethan
Black girl: 'Fo real, she makes all that money dancin', and she can't even herself get a weave?
--86th & 2nd
He Promises He Won't Threaten You for His Share of Reparations
Black lady: I really want you guys to meet my new boyfriend. I think you'll like him.
White lady: Okaaay. Um... How is he with white people?
--St. Mark's Pl & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: JD
See You in Ten Years
Ghetto teen #1: He got like a 3.8 or somethin', and nigga cried.
Ghetto teen #2, to black girl squealing with laughter: You think it's funny, bitch?
--A train, 168th St
This Is Worse Than That Time He Pooped Out Those Kittens
Black girl: I can't believe we just went to the hospital to find out that your cat has no sex.
White girl: What?
Black girl, louder: That your cat has no sex!
White girl: Oh, yeah! I can't believe my male cat has no penis!
--3 train
Overheard by: office peon
Headline by: Garrett Berg
Runners-Up:
· "Cat: Why don't you just announce it to the whole goddamn train!" - morgz
· "Garfield and the angry itch" - jeff
· "I think I'll call him Neuter Gingrich" - SNA
· "The Penis Makes the Pussy" - Adam
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
I Hope She Doesn't Hanker for a Seeing-Eye Dog
Black chick: Yeah, I broke my sister's knee with a baseball bat.
White chick: Wow, me and my sister had some bad fights but your's top all our fights. You must really hate each other.
Black chick: No, I did it out of love.
White chick: What do you mean?
Black chick: My sister's in the Army Reserve. They called her unit up to go to Iraq. I hit her on purpose so she wouldn't have to go. I had to hit her twice to make sure her knee was broken.
--Tillary Street, Downtown Brooklyn
Wednesday One-Linezillas
Teenage bride-to-be on cell: ...yeah. But, no, I'm totally ready to walk across the aisle.
--Target, South Bronx
Overheard by: so this is the bronx
Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?
--42nd St & Madison
Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I'll show you! You don't have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!
--Washington Square Park
Old woman to imaginary friend: I'd make a great wife, mothafucka!
--F train
Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh
Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?
--Monitor St, Brooklyn
Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn't sleep with your bridesmaids.
--82nd & Lex
Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?
--Upper West Side
He's Amost As Entertaining As He Is Naked
Urban gentleman: Yeah, you can buy the naked cowboy's picture in Times Square for, like, 25 dollars.
Urban lady: For real? Damn. He hot, though. He definitely waxing. In those briefs, nigga's gotta be gettin' a Brazilian.
Urban gentleman: Yeah, I ain't no homo or nothin', but how's he not get hard walkin' around in nothin' but briefs?
Urban lady: It's called 'entertainment.'
--6 train
Overheard by: Barry Negrin
You'll Get a Contact High
Son: Mom, can I go and see Santa?
Mom: You ain't sittin' your big black ass on some white Santa!
--Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: Confused white person
There's a Cheaper Way, but It Hurts Feelings All Around
White guy: Well, this is her third. The first two she miscarried.
Black guy: Aw, man.
White guy: All of them were shake 'n' bake.
Black guy: What?
White guy: Yeah, he shakes and she bakes. It's like 10 grand a shake, too.
Black guy: I heard 25.
--JFK airport
Overheard by: Deeznuts
...And How Did You Know?
Old, crazy-looking black dude: The problem, James, is that you're letting pride go to your head!
White college kid whose name probably isn't James: Who are you?
--Times Square station
She Meant the Melanin
White girlfriend: You've got something on your face.
Black boyfriend: It's probably your hatred.
--Barnes & Noble, 8th Street
Overheard by: m-Co
He Sees You As an Alternative Target, Not Protection
Chinese guy: Hey, now that you're here we can go to Sylvia's in Harlem and get some soul food.
Black guy: What do you mean, "now that I'm here"? What, you can't go to Harlem by yourself, but now that you've got your token black you're safe? That's fucked up.
Chinese guy: Let me ask you something: would you go to Harlem alone at night?
Black guy: OK, that's not the point.
--Chinatown
Overheard by: Ricky
Wednesday One-Liners Have Their Own Kneepads
Grey-haired middle-aged man on cell: 40 grand for a suck. No... 40 grand, and I'll suck your dick.
--Fashion District
Man on cell: What about the licking? Did you practice licking? I can't teach you anything if you don't practice. You have to practice the licking if you want to do it right.
--78th St & 37th Ave
Overheard by: Jillian
Homeless woman: Everyone on this train eats pussy! Guys, girls, all ya'll!
--2 train
Overheard by: Macaire
Ghetto dude: Do you see that building? Do you see that building? That's NYU. It took me 26 years to get my degree there. And what am I doing? Still sucking white dick.
--Bleecker & Mercer
Overheard by: Jay
Guy on cell: Yeah, man, this chick just gave me a blowjob. She was like, 'Are you on Restless?' And I was like, 'Yeah,' and then she dropped to her knees!
--2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: wishing i did soaps
Suit on cell: On one hand, you're married, and I don't need that kind of drama. On the other hand, you do owe me a blowjob.
--Wall St, 2-3 stop atrium
Overheard by: did he get a receipt?
But Don't Tell Her I Said That
White girl: I don't get that girl. I just don't like her.
Black boyfriend: Why?
White girl: Because if I don't like someone, I tell them. Straight at their face, I'm like, 'I don't like you.' But she be talking behind people's backs and shit. It's not cool, yo.
Black boyfriend: Yeah.
White girl: And she thinks she's ghetto, but she's not. We ghetto -- she's not.
--Uptown C platform, 34th St
Nobody in New York Knows the Difference between At-Home and Outside Conversations
Yuppie kid: Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Okay, honey. Look, do you want your book?
Yuppie kid: I came in the bathroom this morning and asked Mommy what she was doing and she said shaving her hoo-hoo. Mommy shaves her hoo-hoo!
Yuppie dad: Dylan, remember when we discussed at-home conversations and outside conversations?
Yuppie kid: Yes.
Yuppie dad: Well, this is an at-home conversation.
Yuppie kid: Okay, daddy. [Sings to herself quietly] Mommmyyy shaves her hoo-hooo...
Black lady: See, home conversating, outside conversating -- that's bullshit. My kid says shit like that, I smack him. He won't say shit like that again.
Yuppie dad: Okay, thank you, but I think our method works just fine.
Yuppie kid: Lady, do you shave your hoo-hoo?
Black lady: Oh, yeah, that shit is workin' just fine. She's all kinds of polite.
Yuppie dad: Okay, Dylan, this is our stop.
--R train
Overheard by: SandmanEsq
This Is the Line Vader Should Have Taken with Luke
Black dude on cell: So I got her pregnant. And she wanted me to care and shit, and I was like, 'I'm a street nigga!' And you know what I'm sayin', 'cause you're one, too. I didn't want to be a father. I even told my son, straight-up! She was some nasty shit -- all mugly in the face; body all fucked-up. But yeah, I was lacing that shit all the way through 1982! Okay, peace out, man.
--E train
But Geminis Go Both Ways
Black chick #1: Geminis are the only people we need in this world.
Black chick #2: No, I think you're wrong.
Black chick #1: What sign are you?
Black chick #2: I'm a Libra.
Black chick #1: No, we don't need no Libras, Aries, or Tauruses.
Black chick #2 to her friend: What sign are you?
Friend: I think I'm a Scorpio.
Black chick #1: I've fucked a few Scorpios, they're okay.
--2 train
Overheard by: Just wanted to get home
Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look
Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?
--5th Ave
Overheard by: Francesca
White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?
--4 train
Overheard by: Gregorio
Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?
--D train, Grand Concourse
Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?
--Manhattan-bound F train
Overheard by: Josh
Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?
--Game Stop, Forest Hills
Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They're like lions -- from the sea!
--Central Park Zoo
Overheard by: Andrew K.
Is It Crown Heights Day Already?
Jewish man: But I was here first! I was waiting!
Black chick: All right sir, just calm down. It doesn't matter. Get a life.
Jewish man: Why don't you go back to jail?
Black chick: Yeah, and why don't you go get some viagra or something?
Jewish man: Yeah, I'd need it for you.
Black chick: Fuck you, bitch!
--Court Street Office Supplies, Brooklyn Hights
Overheard by: mrmcd
The NYC Subways (A Very Short Story)
Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don't just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease...Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!
The doors finally close.
Hobo: It's about fucking time! We're riding slower than if I was on a turtle's back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!
A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.
Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That's too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please...cocksucker...Por. Favor.
--E train
Overheard by: Megan Cowles
Personal Foul
Black kid: Miss, buy some candy to support my school's basketball team.
Indian woman: No thank you.
Black kid: Man, you people don't buy nothing. But you sure speak good English.
--40th St. & Lex.
Wednesday-One-Liners Head to Pound Town
Drinking college co-ed: It was like, my brain shut off, and my genitals went 'woo-hoo!'
--60th & Amsterdam
Guy on cell: Sorry, I couldn't make it. I was tied up. Hopefully, next time it'll be you.
--116th & Broadway
Gay black man to black woman: Girl, I know the perfect guy for you. He will beast fuck you. He will fuck you like a white girl.
--Greenwich & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Artie
Black guy: I'll do the wheelbarrow on the first date, I don't give a fuck!
--Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: biz
Girl in bathroom stall: How many guys can I sleep with in a week and not be a slut?
--Soundz Lounge, Lasalle St & Broadway
Girl: I wondered why you kept talking about pony play!
--Elevator, 168th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Well-dressed man on cellphone: He must have had a dildo in his pants, and she grabbed onto that. It's the only way they could have worked it.
--La Giancoma, second intermission, Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Schroeder
Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Be Called 'Caucasian'
Hispanic guy to another, leaving restroom: Man, it smells like white man's shit in there.
--Trump Tower, 5th Ave
Hobo to hispanic guy on cell: Are there any white people in this town?
--Wyckoff & Troutman, Brooklyn
Overheard by: they're coming
Woman: But it's Aryan night...
--116th & Broadway
Hobo playing guitar: I've got three kids at home -- I'll take anything. I'll take food stamps, hair weave, Chinese people's money, change, food, weed... I'll even take white people's money.
--1 train
Overheard by: trooshieb
Black lady: Harlem is up and coming, but it ain't come up yet. I need to see a few more white people jogging at six a.m. before I sign a lease above 125th.
--7 train
There Is a Well-Documented Correlation Between Mixed Breeding and Split Ends
Drunk girl #1: He has such bad hair.
Drunk girl #2: No, you know who has bad hair? Derek Jeter.
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, but he can't help it. He's half black... what? He is.
--Queens
I Don't Think This is What Rosa Parks Meant
An Asian woman is talking loudly on her cell phone
Fat Black lady: You need to move to the back of the damn bus. We don't wanna hear that ching-chang ching-chong bullshit!
--Q34 bus
Overheard by: Lauren
A Benetton Ad, It Isn't
A black girl tries to squeeze past twin asian chicks and a little asian boy to get into the train.
Black girl: Do you mind?
Asian chick #1: Don't be rude, can't you go around us?
Black girl: I don't move around people; they move around me.
Asian chick #1: You're inside now, so please stop yelling at us.
Black girl: You are so rude! Is that how you talk to people in front of your child?
Asian chick #1: You know, I'm tired of listening to your crap. Talk to the hand.
Asian boy: Yeah, you talk too much. Talk to the hand!
--A train
The Guy with the Long Arms?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Why you keep bothering me, man? Why can't you just go away?
Guy with short dreadlocks: Why don't you tell your mama to go away?
Guy with long dreadlocks: Awww, man, why you gotta bring my mama into this?! [To woman in ticket booth] Hey, lady! Woman! Call the law, man!
Woman in ticket booth: Excuse me?
Guy with long dreadlocks: The law, man! Call the law!
--In front of ticket machines, Union Station
Overheard by: didn't want to get involved
They Eat It Here, Too (Chelsea, Mostly)
Black woman: In Japan or Asia, one of those countries, I hear they eat penis. Like in the restaurants, I mean.
--Shakespeare & Co., Flatbush
Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer